heres a few things that were said maybe you people could interpret them.

its my fault i let the affair go on so long that she fell for om - i suspected at 3months proved at 4months .is now8 months .

she detests me for bugging phone ,putting tracker on his +her car etc.

she hates me because i take kids out or away every time ive got them and she cant (money)


she still needs time to get over things ,she hates that im into coucilling ,she says she cant talk to them ,needs to sort it herself???//


any insight into fog babble please -im suspecting its a small amount of withdrawl from a (anger towards me +blame)

Nothing worth listening to. All of it is some classic example of fog-speak. It sounds to me like your wife needs to grow up a LOT...start taking some of her own responsibility for things.

should i still plan a ?

should i help her financially?

should i go and do family things ,when she says quite calmly "dont read anything into it about us"?

wrongly or rightly i asked if SHE wanted a divorce ,got a resounding NO !.THEESE ARE THINGS I SHOULD KNOW but please remind me...

I'd heartily advise you to either contact Dr Harley's office directly, or at least attempt to listen and call in on his radio show for advice from the man himself.

I know what MY advice would be, but I'm not the 'professional'.

Given all that fog...I think you'd best be served by getting PROFESSIONAL advice on how to deal with your wayward wife.

your advice would be good .living in england ...radio or harley .not realy an option...thanks

Orchid: Plan A until U R done with your self improvements. Don't do it based on her status.


Orchid: No. Never support a WS, even financially.


Orchid: That's your choice. Me, I wouldn't but easier said than done. Might be better to do some and not do others....that would let her know you are in control of which ones you select to participate in. When she babbles about don't read into anything and you only choose some....you can babble back.... I'm not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Then ask Y? After all dear..... you are acting like you want one instead of showing you want t/b married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Make her tell you. Don't make her make you tell her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

you people keep me going ..i applaud you all thanks .

one thing i find very very hard in plan a is to MAN UP i always reinstate my boundaries . i always tell ww i cannot do this or that because you are still with om and that hurts me .

so i pretty much can guarantee no contact is not happening ... the affair is over i know that (ive checked) but as we dont live together i pretty much guarantee they are still txt and talking .

Well...women are not attracted to a man who won't "man up" when needed.

How do you expect to win your wife back if you DON'T 'man up'?

point taken !!! been treading way to carefully ..

shes just canceeled drink on thurs eve (to be with om i expect )

ww babble is so strong sometimes i have to chew my own lip off!!!

cant afford this ,cant afford that .my response -cant help sorry i need my money for deposit on my house ...right or wrong ,feel like exploding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok heres a few real concerns of mine ,

do ww normally start to project om,s hopes without realising it ?

ww said yesterday she would love a sailing boat ,om has a s''''t one ww has always hated sailing boats .

ww wants a camper van (rv) om talked last ww into buying one !

or is she just brainwashed with lust ? did yours do this?

Yes, this is normal.

My wife started to get interested in all the same things that OM was in to. Even things that she hated prior to her affair. This was one of the indicators to me that something was seriously wrong.

Don't make a huge deal of it. It will pass.

As far as her feeling the financial pressures of her choices...that's all good, really. Do NOT do anything to help her with that right now. When she starts going off about how tough it is...TACTFULLY imply that its a result of her choices.

"Sorry that you're having such a rough time with finances. Living the single life isn't as cheap as most people think and hope it is. It's HARD to pay the bills and still have money for other things when you've got a limited income."

It IS a result of her affair...let her suffer it in full force. It helps bring reality into that fantasy she's been wanting to live.

as i guessed !

only problem is om managed not only to get last 2or 3 ww to divorce their husbands,he also got them to buy all theese toys for him from their settlements .

but i guess at the end of the day thats her problem!!!

Exactly.

Which is why you need to make sure that your financial accounts are seperate from hers if she's so deep in the affair. Those bills are HERS to deal with and figure out.

thanks for being there owl .. will post again tommorow .. night time now for the kids here in UK.

talked with ww again last night,

she was not with om ,she said im sorry we are not like we were years ago but were not !

shes tired of being in limbo? no money no friends ,but we cant be together .

shes telling the truth ,i know she is,i really get the feeling she cant understand whats happening and dosent se a way back .

question do i mention SAA book if yes how?

Do NOT give the WS any info... don't teach her.

You need to see more positive actions which show what SHE is willing t/d.

Right now, she is testing you. We have often likened WS' to alien's who take human form (like a scene from Star Trek) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> They are constantly testing us.

Know this and prepare your actions and reactions. Know she will test you.... be prepared!!!

L.

i am now pretty certain A is over ,

ww wife has text she loves me but shes scared it wont work and she wont feel the same .she needs reassurance i can only give her so much .

SAA gave me hope from the start ,helped me see the why,s and how,s.

comments -other options?

Comment: Right now just hear her out but make NO promises and do NOT open the return door. Let her know you appreciate her letting you know how she feels, that you will take her words under consideration and that you will get back to her later.

She needs to know that her words do NOT control you.

As for the A being over? Not yet. Even if it only in her head, it ain't over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

L.

thanks orchid , advice taken and will be implimented....

there is no return door -not till ive got a house ...soooon!!

even then CONDITIONS-CONDITIONS-CONDITIONS...

THANKS AGAIN

update.. seen ww a few times over the weekend,

still very emotional,very worried etc,

general response to our future i get is :

we cant live together around here
we need to move away start again,
its all your friends around here,
i hate that you are still so into councilling,
not 100% sure of no contact will know tonight ,comments???