I hear that it happens a lot, but I was just wondering how it comes about. If anyone here has actually remarried thier divorced spouse (and is happily married) I would love to hear the circumstances and how it came about. What changes did you make? How long did it take to realize that you wanted to risk everything one more time?

well, if that is what you want i wish you the best, honestly i do.

i am sure they may be a few out there, you may want to post this question on the general board...

as for me, i'd rather remain alone all my days than to ever ever be back with my ex!

mlhb

Not sure that I want to. I'm just considering it. I guess I'd like to hear some success stories, or maybe failure stories, I don't know. I'm just trying to get an idea of what to expect. After all of the anger and hurt feelings subsided a little my ex and I realized we actually like each other and enjoy spending time together. I know that doesn't necessarily translate into being able to be married. That's why I want to hear about anyone who has tried another go at it. By the way, three children give a little incentive to at least consider the possibility.

i understand. i have 2 children and that is why we separated and got back together twice before we ended it. but in the end, it was NOT happening.

mlhb

I'm interested in this topic too. Was it cross-posted anywhere else?

Changed, I would *like* to reconcile with my XH... but at this point I don't know if it will happen. I've let him know how I feel, he didn't say, "never" but he did say, "unlikely"... he's involved with someone now - was live-in but she moved away and it's LD now.

I know at this point he's still focused on her, but if/when the LD thing fizzles, I'm hoping that my Plan A/180 lays some foundation for him to reconsider. Time will tell. We get along very well as friends, but don't socialize outside of the business we own together, and the occasional event for the kids (school stuff).

I know one couple that were divorced for 18 years and got back together - but that's an extreme example.

My aunt and uncle divorced, remarried, then divorced again. My uncle was a raging alcoholic at the time. Now he's got probably 30 years of sobriety and he did eventually marry someone else - to the best of my knowledge they are still together. In that case the problem was my uncle's addiction.

I would be interested to hear of others' experiences though. I would imagine that success/failure depends a lot on what brought the couple to divorce in the first place, and what they did to resolve those issues prior to reconciling.

JinGA

Thanks for the info JinGA. My sister and BIL actually got divorced, she got pregnant by the OM then married him, then divorced the OM and remarried my BIL. This was about 5 years ago, and they seem to be doing well. So, I know it does happen.

My ex and I have been hanging out together and talking on the phone quite a bit. We both enjoy each other, but we are also both unsure of what we really want. We have both done things through our marriage, seperation, divorce, and after divorce that hurt each other. Some things were not necessarily wrong, but just things that bother the other. She has put up a wall around her, and she lets it down for short periods then puts it right back up. Very frustrating. It almost like looking over a chasm and knowing that things will be better on the other side, but how do you get there?

I don't have a whole lot of advice for your situation, but I can tell you as a man how most of us tick. If we think that you are going to be there no matter what we tend to take it for granted. Whether it's dating someone entirely new or an ex the best way to turn a guys head is to be fun, cheerful, independent, and somewhat aloof. I know I may not be giving MB advice here, but nothing will shake a guy like seeing you enjoying yourself with another guy. I'm not saying dating anyone, but maybe when you're on the phone with him say something like, "Oh, sorry I have to let you go. My friend Brian is here to pick me up for lunch." Like I said, maybe not MB advice, but it works.

Heh I've heard that type of info from several people here, and from what I've experienced and seen, I tend to agree with your take on it.

My XH and I are friends. That's been rocky at times - particularly during legal junk and when his GF was here, it was as if he wasn't "allowed" to be friendly and he had to be somewhat adversarial. I don't know if that was his idea or hers... but I think it's safe to say that GF feels threatened by me and always has. Now that relationship is back to being long-distance, statistically it's doomed, it's just a matter of time before one or the other decides it's over.

There have been so many mixed signals from my XH. When we had a talk about this about 3 weeks ago (I told him quite frankly that I was interested in reconciling), he told me he's declined my invitations to socialize because he didn't want to lead me to believe he was interested in reconciling. Our contact is limited now to working together, he's here in our business part-time and he has a full time regular job. However when he's here, he'll buy me coffee, or I'll buy him coffee. We talk (like last night he was telling me about some family issues with his brother, our nephew and others)... in many respects it's "the same" as it was when we were married - in many ways better because he's not suffering from acute depression anymore... we can talk and joke and be at ease with one another, but his walls are still up.

He said he never intended to send me mixed signals - but he still does. After talking to me about family issues, then he showed me a pic of GF's sunburned belly (ewww)...

His actions and his words contradict themselves frequently.

And about being taken for granted - yep - I hold down the fort for the business mostly alone (with some help from him but I do 100% of the administration)... he never asks how things are going with the business - just assumes that it's humming along as it should. I'm here as I've always been, good old dependable JinGA.

But then a month or so ago, a male client with whom I'm fairly chatty, had come in a few days in a row - he was dealing with some ongoing problems and had to come in for supplies nearly daily... XH was noticably jealous... when he saw the client coming he said, "Here comes your BUDDY."

Client is married - 4 kids (and he's probably 10 years younger than me!)... and while we get along in the business setting, he's way off limits and not my type anyway, although he's a nice and decent man... but when XH seemed to think that maybe there was more to it than that, even the client noticed he was jealous!

I don't like games so in a roundabout way I mentioned the client's wife during the course of our 3-way conversation. Once XH realized that it wasn't what he was thinking his demeanor changed and he's actually friendly with the client now.

Maybe I'd have been better to just carry on and let him be jealous? I hate games...

He also told me that I needed to find somebody "more appropriate" than my XBF to move on with. I know he was jealous in a strange way about that relationship even though he had his own relationship.

If he's interested, he wouldn't have suggested I find somebody else, would he? Or is that more guy-type reverse psychology?

Could also be that he's seeing GF moving on and enjoying life without him even though they are still in contact, and that's pulling him in that direction too?

It's like he doesn't know what he wants. On one hand he's been clear that he does not feel that it is likely that he'll ever want to come home. He told me that in about those words. Didn't say "never" and I invited him to say never... he stuck with "unlikely".

On the other hand... his actions show that maybe he's still a bit more invested in whatever there is of "us" than perhaps he'd like to admit.

I'm getting on with life - doing things for myself and the kids. Not interested in dating - I'm not in a good place for that, unless it was XH asking me out on a date. If he did want to reconcile, I wouldn't have him moving back in next week, or even next month - I'd want us to court each other again, and really be sure it's what we both wanted before making that step.

I've been applying Plan A - it's second nature now, and he responds well to it. I'm applying POJA too and he's responded well to that - even though he has no idea what these things are. We did have a difference of opinion about a proposed vacation to see the GF that he wanted to take the kids on - I did veto that for many reasons, but that's a non-issue now because he didn't end up going yet - says he plans to go in the fall and the kids will be in school.

Part of me hopes that one day he'll "wake up" ... but another part of me wonders if I should stop hoping for this because it's never going to happen. It's tough to be so close to someone you love so much, when they've told you they don't return those feelings... and then their actions show you that just maybe they do. If he was a hateful bitter [censored] it would be so much easier to just let it go and walk away... but that's not where I'm at.

Sorry - didn't mean to thread-jack... it's just hard to figure out what makes him tick. What you have said makes perfect sense considering what he's been doing. However I don't think he's the sort to make a move if he thinks I'm moving on - no he's more likely to just give up and walk away - he did that before even though I invited him to try to reconcile before. Once he thinks the battle is over, he just concedes.

He did try to throw the odd wrench into things - not meddling or interfering, but just little things. Not in a weird, stalker kind of way... just in a passive/aggressive sort of way.

Does that make any sense?

JinGA

Yes. Maybe not intentionally, but he doesn't want you to be with your boyfriend. He will find fault with the next boyfriend too. Notice he didn't say, "You need to find somebody else. How about my buddy Joe?" He gave you advice that you need to get out of a concrete relationship in favor of some possible relationship in the future. Guys don't think too far ahead. We're actually pretty predictable. (I'm painting with a broad brush here, so let me apologize to all those complex, unpredictable guys out there. I'm not talking about you). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As far as him not pursuing you if he thinks you moved on, you might be surprised. You know him best, but I know that I subconsciously always thought I could have my ex back if I wanted. I didn't even realize that I thought that way until recently. Two things triggered the feeling in me. 1) She started being nice to me. It had been a long time since she was really nice to me. 2) I saw her moving on. I realized that I was really close to losing her forever. You would think that I would have thought that at the divorce, but I guess I always harbored a little hope deep down. It sounds like your ex does too. I have always heard how children carry on hope for years that their parents will reconcile. I don't think adults are much different. I think that's why it hurts so much when an ex gets married. That little bit of hope in your heart gets squashed (not always entirely).

Well I'm not in an relationship now - been over for 6 months or so. He was nice to XBF - even tried to help him get a job where XH works... but there were times when he'd slam him. XBF was pretty good about not slamming XH (I probably did enough of that for both of us at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

Yes, he did say it in an abstract way - "somebody else"...and LOL no he didn't have any recommendations!

And of course I've found plenty of faults with his GF, but she made it easy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've even caught him making indirect slams at her - both when they first started online dating, and since she moved away. Little things like jokes about tattoos (she has tattoos), that are degrading (the jokes) - to commenting that now that she's gone he's not spending nearly as much money... (ya think?). I don't even think he realizes he's being demeaning when he does it - but it speaks to what he's really thinking.


Yeah, I don't think he thinks too far ahead, at least not about most things. Some things he might - but he's pretty much an 'in the moment' sort and he can be a procrastinator unless he's got a good motivator.


That's interesting. I do think XH thinks that way - and I've fed that thinking because I've told him so. So now he can go around doing whatever he wants because he knows I'm still here. Perhaps my own still being here is working against me.

He came to me when GF dropped the bomb that she was leaving him. She'd been gone for 6 weeks and came back and 3 days later announced she was moving. He actually came to my house - under the premise of returning some of the kids' things that they'd left at his place. I wasn't home. It was spring break and the kids and I were out doing something together, and honestly I'm sort of glad I wasn't there. He phoned me, "looking for the kids"... I could hear something off in his voice so I asked what was up - why was he home in the middle of the day when he should be working. That's when the floodgates opened and he started sobbing. I am a safe place for him. He doesn't like to admit that - but he obviously knew it then, and I didn't let him down. In the days and weeks to come I offered comfort, support - all as a "friend"... but he knows I'm there and he can come to me in crisis and it's safe.

The reason why I went to him about reconciling a few weeks ago, was because I *think* at a couple of points before the D, he sort of kind of tried to take steps towards me, but didn't articulate what his intentions were. He wouldn't come out and say he wanted to reconcile (it wasn't safe for him to do so at that time) and I either ignored that or wasn't receptive to it - or both... so once he stuck his foot in the door and didn't get invited back in, he backed away again. I may have missed the boat big-time.

So, twice now- right before the D was final in late '06, and again a few weeks ago, I spelled out my feelings clearly - so there would be no misunderstanding. Those times, he chose not to walk through the door, but he knows it's open and he is standing just outside of it.

I'm sure walking through is a scary concept to him - I want to reconcile and it's still scary to me too - but I'm willing to take the chance. He's not quite there yet, and maybe he never will be - that is his choice to make.

Sounds like your XW is in the same boat - she probably wants to, but fear is a powerful force, so keeping the walls up is the safest way. It doesn't get you there though - sooner or later the walls have to come down, or it just doesn't happen. Everybody's comfort zone is different I guess.

What made you want to reconcile with your XW? What changed in you aside from her being nicer to you? Was it always there? Or did you think it was gone forever and suddenly come back and hit you over the head?

For me I think the feelings were always there, but in my desperation to move on, I swallowed them down, pushed them aside and did my best to move on in a relationship that I knew wouldn't work - just for the sake of moving on. Bad choice - but it was a life's lesson. Irony is, the harder I worked to put those feelings aside and asunder - the harder they worked to come back to the surface - and here I am today.


You sorta kinda answered my question above in this paragraph... but how was it that you thought you were losing her forever? Did she meet someone new? Was it just that she was going on with her life and was OK without you?

I've been in Plan A with 180 since I found out about the GF's iminent departure back in early April. I saw an opportunity that I figured would come around eventually (actually I'm surprised she stuck around as long as she did - and she has't quite let go yet)... so even though I've always tried to maintain a civil relationship with XH, I kicked it up a notch or two. Also, once she left, he began to relax more - be himself more, spend more time at the business, because he didn't have to rush home to her. For a long while he left the business completely and the man I was with helped in his stead - well when that ended rather suddenly, XH stepped back in in a more limited role - but once she left, he did and does come around more. He doesn't work here as much as he did before the GF, but he's here and he's helping and I'm grateful for that.

So in keeping with the same line of thinking, if your XW's being nicer to you (like a Plan A) tweaked a little something - then what did she do to let on that she was moving on? I'm looking for lessons here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (Shamelessly!)

I'm doing things for myself and the kids, we have a hobby that we didn't have when I was married, I socialize with friends when I can, and while emotionally I'm kind of stuck, once I put my cards on the table with him, I just continued to carry on as I have been - life is moving forward even if emotionally it's just appearances. I've asked others too, what I can do to move past this emotional roadblock, and I wonder if I can find that, will he really notice and if it is still there for him, will he want to catch up to me?

I know there are no cookie-cutter answers - everybody's different. If I really and truly thought I was beating a dead horse, I'd suck it up and deal - move on and close the door behind me. In my heart I believe there is still enough love there in him, for me, to build on. I just can't force or control that - nor would I want to. If he does decide to give it another go, I'd want it to be 100% or not at all. At this point he doesn't have 100% to give - because he's still connected to GF. I know that relationship will have to burn itself out completely before there's even a chance at anything else. It's hard to be patient at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Still - I don't want crumbs. I deserve better.

So do you - and I'm hoping for your sake that your XW decides to give her 100% too.


I did too. I was an emotional wreck in court, even though I was the petitioner. XH was not exactly ecstatic either.. in fact my attorney was surprised at the look on XH's face in court. And that week, his GF came to visit so she was at home waiting for him after court. They were still online dating at the time - he'd gone to visit her for a week a few months before, and she was here in town the week of the divorce. Something tells me he didn't rush straight back into her arms - but being hurt myself, when he came by the shop a short while later (I didn't have the benefit of being able to take a day off to cry)... I gave him the copies of the papers he didn't stick around in court for (he was gone like a shot the instant the judge signed the decree) as he was leaving I told him, "Congratulations, you're free." Then I came back inside to sob for a while.

That was probably the worst day of my life. I don't think it was a red letter day for him either. It was almost like he was in some sort of disbelief that it had come to that, even though he was pushing foward with his girlfriend.

So here and now I look for guidance. I listen to what others have said and done, work on my own junk and do the best I can for today. It's hard to be so close to him on an almost daily basis, but know he's still so far away. It's painful. But at the same time I'm grateful that I *do* have the chance to spend time with him most days - because if we didn't, I don't think there'd be any chance. At least being able to spend time with him, I can make love-bank deposits, I can show him the woman I am, and have become. I'm still the same person - but I've grown and matured. I handle conflict differently. I'm calmer and less high-strung. I've learned to keep my emotions in check, even if inside I want to scream. I can negotiate. I can be sensitive to his EN - at least the ones he will let me fill. I've become aware of my love-busters and have learned how to avoid them - and in doing so, I've realized that so many of those love-busters weren't really important anyway - I just made them so, and in doing that, created problems for him and for me.

I'm still very much a work in progress - but I'm getting there. I'll continue to get there, with or without him - but the journey would be much sweeter with him.

JinGA

Changd - I know I read one of your other threads, but I don't recall exactly... what were the circumstances of your divorce and how long has it been?

JinGA

I have a rather complicated past, but narrowing the history to respond to your question....

My H and I married in 2003. Divorced in 2005. Had divorce annulled 4 mths later.

I think, as has been mentioned above, he was taking me for granted and thought I wouldn't leave. He doesn't take me for granted now, that's for sure.

Wow - a divorce can be annulled? I did not know that. I just figured that divorced spouses remarried each other.

JinGA

Here's a link to my original post. click here

I understand the mixed signals. I get the same from my ex. One minute she is very affectionate toward me, and the next she is stand-offish. I don't have much advice. I have backed off a little when she acts like that.

The feelings for her were always there. They were just buried underneath all of the pain, pride, and resentment. I didn't know they were there until she started treating me nice. I think the reason that I was afraid that I might be close to losing her forever was because she was nice to me. She didn't act angry or hurt anymore. If she isn't angry or hurt then she might be over me. Next time your ex shows you a picture of his girl's burnt belly say, "Wow. thats a really cute swim suit she's wearing." It will drive him nuts.

LOL I didn't see any swim suit. Just a close-up of a blistered, oozing surface of skin. NASTY.

I've never been defensive about the GF. That situation is what it is. I saw her departure coming... like I said I was surprised she stayed as long as she did. When she went away for 6 weeks, my mom and I had a side-bet that she wouldn't come back at all, she'd just send for her kids.

OK I know that's a real DJ and not very Christian of me... but it's true.

Your feelings and mine really mirror each other a lot.

I'm going to go read your thread...

JinGA

OK read your thread - I remember now.

I wish I could get to the point where I could ask him on a date but I'm not going to until I know GF is out of the picture. Not because I fear rejection - because I know he won't accept. He won't accept because he is still committed to her, however flawed that may be in my opinion.

I actually respect him for being a "one woman man". As I said before, I want him 100% or not at all. So to that end I'm just keeping on keeping on and we'll see what happens down the road. HE knows the door is open, but life moves on.

Has your XW ended it with the other man yet? While I understand where you're coming from - being divorced and dating your ex while they date others isn't "wrong" as such - it's not an affair, but the dynamics do seem to be somewhat different if it's dating around vs. trying to reconcile and rebuild a marriage. Hard to say where to draw the line, isn't it?

I know if I were to get into a dating situation with my XH, I wouldn't be comfortable with him dating anyone else, and I wouldn't date anyone other than him. Even if I was to date someone new, I am not the type to date more than one person at a time - but that's just me. I met XH when I was 17, so I've never really been into the dating scene except in high school, and even then I went with one person at a time - and usually I was the one to get dumped *g*! I'm a loyal person by nature. I can and have ended relationships on my own, but I tend to be the one with stick-tuitiaveness - although I did finally file for divorce when I couldn't see us going anywhere.

That did "wake him up" to a point where at least he got treatment for his depression. So if something good can come from something hellaciously bad, that was it.

In your original thread I suggested that maybe some day we could raise a virtual toast to our recovered relationships with our exes... I'm still hoping that will happen one day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

One option is to remarry. The less well-known option is to get the divorce annulled, which means, legally, it's as if you were never divorced, both parties restored to their married status.

I'm not comfortable with it either. In any other relationship I would tell her to call me when she decided she wanted to date me and no one else. I'm torn on this with my ex. She knows that I'm not comfortable with her seeing someone else, but she says "I'm not really seeing him". To which my reply is, "But you won't commit to not seeing him". Whether or not she sees him I have a problem with her sharing intimacy with him while we are being intimate (By intimate I mean sharing our feelings with each other in an intimate way). I have pulled back a little because of this, and since then she has told me she is considering my proposal to date each other exclusively for a few months and see what happens.

One thing I meant to tell you that may help you out is to read some articles on motivational theory. I studied it a little in business school and it basically describes what it takes for someone to be motivated to take any action. There are a series of conscious and subconscious processes that a person goes through when considering something and unless they successfully navigate them they won't want to take the action. In a nutshell, they must believe that it would benefit them. They must believe that the reward would actually be given to them if they take the action. They have to believe that they are capable of performing the action, and they have to believe that they will be provided the resources to perform the action (this is in the context of organizational behavior but it applies to any human decisions).

Looking at our situations I think the breakdown comes in two places. The first is in the belief that the reward will actually come to them if they hold up their part, and the second is the belief that they are capable of performing the action. I know why ex is afraid that things will eventually end up where they were (reward will not actually come), and she is afraid that we can't get over all of the stuff that has happened between us (not capable of performing the action). It may help if you try to focus on alleviating those concerns. The good news for me (and it sounds like for you too) is that my ex does believe she will benefit if it actually worked out. That keeps an interest alive.

Again, not necessarily MB principles, but I don't think it is contrary to them either. Just basic psychology and sociology.

Interesting. I can see how that applies to my situation, from the point of view of XH and how he might be feeling about me, as well as with the decision he's dealing with regarding moving to pursue his relationship with the GF.

Hopefully he *is* weighing these things carefully - and he's also got other options - moving on with somebody else (locally).

I'm doing what I can to put my best foot and face forward to him, but until he resolves the GF situation, its not likely that he's even going to consider taking a step closer to me.

It all has to play out in its time I'm afraid. You are farther along the path than I am - at least you Ex is entertaining the possibility. Mine isn't yet. He might - he might not. I have to just carry on in the meantime.

I hope things work out for you - you sound like you've really got it together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Any updates JinGA?

Nope. Status quo. Last week he informed me that he has finally booked his vacation dates (he nearly planned to leave this upcoming weekend - which would conflict with DD's b'day, but he changed it and now he's going in 3 1/2 weeks' time and rather than going home to visit his folks, he's decided to go "out west" (translation: to see GF). He's not sure if he's flying or driving - concerned that flying and renting a car will cost about $1000. Well driving will likely cost the same (or more) - but that's his worry, not mine.

So I guess his relationship with GF continues.

My feelings are what they are - but I'm losing hope that he's even going to want to *try*. It's out of my hands. He knows with no uncertainty, how I feel, so we can't blame miscommunication. I was very matter-of-fact when we spoke last month, and while he was very kind about it, clearly he's not receptive, and he may never be.

So life goes on. Kids and I had a great weekend - my DD's best friend had a pool party in the country for her birthday, we went and had a blast. I cleaned my carpets last night after work (XH repaired "our" carpet cleaner - it's mine but we share it)... and it's same old same old here - just keeping on keeping on.

How about your situation? Are you making any progress? Hearing a good outcome gives me hope that there's some sort of good outcome for me down the road - even if it's not what I'm hoping for at this moment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA