I thought you were divorced by now....what happened???/

Mojo!
How did it go with the hubby? Good I hope!

You are absolutely right that he was playing me again. But, what is good now is that "I" am not in it anymore. I do not want a R with him...

Yesterday, he came to get the kids for the weekend. I could sense that something was up with him. He was being weird, making sure that he was quick to leave...

And then he turned and said, "well, I am adjusting my priorities in my life. I am going to break up with brick house tonight (brick house was the nickname his friends gave his new woman....they did not care for her). So I said ok.... He then said that he did not think that it was 'fair to me' to be so 'close' to me, it would only hinder future R's for both of us. I said that was fine, because it IS fine. If I NEVER had to see him or deal with him again, it would be FINE. LOL!

So then he turns away. And KABAAM!!!!!!!!! I KNEW what it was! He met up with 'the love of his life' the woman that dumped him, that he was 'in love' with, the woman that is total trash (some background, she is a total bar tramp, has two kids, two different dads, never married, lives with her mom, drinks all the time, had WH watch her kids so that she could party....). And I got MAD. Mad that he is SO WILLING to put up with her, and he would do anything for HER.......

So I calmly say, "you saw bar-sl*t again, didn't you?" Actually, I said her real name... sigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

And he turns and he BLUSHES and says, "yeah, we had a long talk, we are going to try to work things out. I know what I did wrong with her, she knows what she did wrong, so we are going to give it another go."

I was thinking to myself, WHY did I ask, I KNEW...

So I said, sarcastically, "well, I am glad that you learned from your mistakes in that great R. Good luck."

He, DID NOT catch my sarcasm, and he said, "thanks... I am glad that at least I get another chance..."

And my cork blew.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I told him that he is an [email]A@@[/email] to the highest degree. I do NOT want to hear about how he is happy he gets another chance with HER, I do not want to hear about HER. I told him that I just want to know, are my kids going to be talking about HER and HER kids again all of the time. Just to let me know.

He looked at me, and said, "Mo, YOU need to grow up already! We have kids together, we are both going to be with other people, I think it would be GREAT if WE could still be good friends, meet each others significant others."

I said, "WHAT?????"

He continued on, "I think that you need to be an adult, face the fact that we are not getting back together, suck up your pride, and if you see me with her, which will happen, don't get mad about it. I also think that (drum roll please!!!!) YOU SHOULD INVITE BAR SL*T TO OUR DD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN NOV. AND IF YOU ARE SEEING ANYONE, YOU SHOULD HAVE HIM THERE TOO."

I could not believe he would even SUGGEST that!!!

I said, "I am being an adult here, and I am NOT going to invite your OW to my daughters BIRTHDAY party! Are you crazy?"<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> (for those that do NOT know the answer it is YES. He IS crazy! LOL!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He said, "see, this is how you are. I really like her...."

And I cut him off. I said, "You want me to embrace this woman that you are willing to correct YOUR mistakes for, when you wouldn't with ME. You want me to make myself VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, and our families uncomfortable too, so that you can 'show her off'? You want me to be your 'friend' when it is easy and convenient for YOU, then blow me off when it isn't? NO, she will NOT be at the party. If I had it my way, I would NEVER, EVER have to see your [email]dumba@@[/email] again, and I think that it is cruel that I have to be reminded about what a dumb mistake I made in marrying your sorry [email]A@@[/email] every time you get the kids or drop them off! Do you REALLY, REALLY think that I want you back still? I had the guts to file for the D, because I WANTED IT! Not because I wanted you back!"

He said, "well, I see you are upset, call me later, and we can talk. You HAVE to deal with me, I am the father of your kids. You need to grow up, and deal with it. Be an ADULT Mo."

So I said, "No, I am not going to call you. I am just telling you like it is now. I do not want you touching me, chit-chatting, telling me about anything, unless it has to do with the kids. I do not want you calling me, unless it has to do with the kids. I do not want us fluctuating from our child custody agreement, which means that I will NOT be watching them for you anymore, if you have 'plans' on your weekend. I do not want you coming in the house when you get the kids, or drop them off. You can stay on the porch."

He said, "you are so immature!"

I just shut the door in his face.

I went out with some friends last night, had a great time. I took today off of work, so I could clean the house... and stupid WH calls. 3 times. I finally answer, since he has the kids. He says, "Oh, DD wants to talk to you."
I said, ok. So DD just wanted to tell me that she loves me. I told her thank you, and she put WH on. He tried to start talking about something, so I said, "you called for DD to talk to me, right?" He said, "uhh, yes." I said, "Ok, goodbye." And I hung up.

I was going to save this all for AFTER the D (Stella- It is on OCT. 9th, at 9 am!) but the fact that he met up with the 'love of his life' just set me off... I would not care if he was dating anyone else, just this chick makes me mad... because I thought that me and WH were trying to fix things, and he was seeing HER..(this was months and months ago....) So, she has as special place in my heart. LOL!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But, it is good, I was going to lay down the boundaries anyway after the D, so now it is just a little early... and he will be more than eager for the D to go through, since she is back in his life (that was one of the reasons that they broke up- he was not D'd yet), so I hopefully do not have to worry about him changing his mind about the settlement.

It sucks that I have to deal with him for a long time still, because of the kids. It sucks that once you have kids with someone, you can't just 'break up' with them, and never deal with them again. It sucks that there is this whole 'gray' area that you have to muddle through. It sucks that I made the mistake of marrying HIM.

What doesn't suck is this: I AM happier (until I deal with WH! LOL). I have my kids, and they love me. I have the house. I have a good job. I have lost weight. I look better than I have in years.I have a lot of nice clothes.I have a routine now. I am a good mom. I have good friends, who have supported me throughout this. I have my dogs. I even have supposedly WH's dog... he 'doesn't have time for a dog' which is fine. I get along well with WH's family.That I KNOW what is going on with me and WH. And.... that I will be D'd on Oct. 9th, and then, in my mind, I can make myself available to possibly date. And I am getting there. So... I (hopefully) will be able to experience that giddy, just meeting, and dating feeling again....

There! Just had to get that all off of my chest. Now. Back to cleaning the house!!!

Thanks to everyone who has supported me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I *KNEW* something was up. This guy is so obvious, I am almost embarrassed for him.

Just 12 more days or so and you get to cut him off.

Everytime I hear a WS tell a BS they aren't being an adult and need to get over it, I just fume. What [censored].

I so TOTALLY agree! What is that about anyway?

I would love to have a great snappy come back for that one, myself.

SadMo, I am so glad to hear YOU recount what GREAT things you have going for you!! Congrats on finally knowing it for yourself!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mojo- I know... it makes me mad too!
Bugs- I have known for a while my great things, I am thankful everyday for them!
I will tell you what it about... it is about the WS trying to 'guilt' the BS into feeling 'bad' for being angry, so the WS tries to suddenly act all mature, and guilt the BS...SO......if they get the desired effect (guilting the BS) THEY do not have to feel bad.

And it annoys the bejesus out of me!

He pulled another one of his Bullchit routines with me tonight. He dropped the kids off (it was his weekend, a few weeks back he asked if I could watch the kids for a 'few hours' this Sat.). As he is leaving, he says, "I will be here tomorrow to get the kids. I say, "WAIT! This was for a few hours, I have plans tonight!" He immediately starts yelling that the 'agreement' was that I take them overnight. This was NOT the agreement, or I would have told him he was going to take them for a different overnight. So I told him, No, I am not watching them past nine. He explodes, and tells me that fine, he will call his mom to watch the kids then.

He leaves. I was MAD. My plans, not too important, but that was not the point. The point was this: When he was with bar sl#t before, he would do things like this to me, and get angry with me, yell at me, claim I 'duped him' into watching the kids, when it was agreed IN ADVANCE that he would do it...And I know EXACTLY what was going on... he wanted to reconnect with bar sl#t, and he thought he would 'trick' me into believing that I agreed to this.

But, I am not dumb.

So his mom calls me and, YES!, she told him that she would watch the kids until 10, at which point he was to come and get them. He tried to tell her that he did not want to wake them up, and she told him that they are NOT spending the night with her. She called to tell me, before she even knew the story, that she told him that this is HIS TIME to be with the kids, and he should start making his plans when it is NOT his weekend.

I have GOT to love her... she is such a wise woman! I told her to not worry about watching them, I could watch them until then. I may not have went out, but I got to see WH have to take responsibility for his kids: he had no out today!

Bar sl#t is such an evil influence on him. It is amazing how he turns on me. I feel like he feels he HAS to start stuff with me, to justify his R with her. To make himself feel better about his "LOVE".

Whatever. Now that I know what is going on, and not so emotional about it, it is ok. I will remain calm, rational, and look at him like he is a three headed beast when I see him... LOL!

You know maybe I'm off base here but it's seems kind of weird that at this time he is back with her now that he knows that your divorced relatioship is not going to be what he thought "friends" now he has to get his drug from some one else, see how quickly he ditched the other one and now he is back with her, doing the same things that put u at odds, since what he wanted from you was not being met (not sure what it was) he will take your "ANGER" or so he thinks and feed on that see he thinks in his little pea brain Sadmo still CRAVES me.


Yeah for you to put him in his place "behind you" sorry but what an a$$ for him thinking it still about him, I think he knows that you will never take him back and it sticks in his craw, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you meet someone worthy of you and it becomes serious and he is still stuck in his ditch and it dawns on him right then and there what he really threw away. I wish this for all WS to finally look in the mirror and see what they threw away for nothing.

You know maybe I'm off base here but it's seems kind of weird that at this time he is back with her now that he knows that your divorced relatioship is not going to be what he thought "friends" now he has to get his drug from some one else, see how quickly he ditched the other one and now he is back with her, doing the same things that put u at odds, since what he wanted from you was not being met (not sure what it was) he will take your "ANGER" or so he thinks and feed on that see he thinks in his little pea brain Sadmo still CRAVES me.


Yeah!! For you to put him in his place "behind you". Sorry but what an a$$ for him thinking it still about him, I think he knows that you will never take him back and it sticks in his craw, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you meet someone worthy of you and it becomes serious and he is still stuck in his ditch and it dawns on him right then and there what he really threw away. I wish this for all WS to finally look in the mirror and see what they threw away for nothing.

SS-
AMEN!

I got the kids from him yesterday....

Quick recap- weeks ago I said that I would watch the kids for him on Sat. (his weekend) for a few hours. I had plans after he picked them up. He shows up, early, then announces he will be by in the morning to get them.I was like NO, this was not the agreement. He started to yell at me, 'this was the agreement...." I told him NO I would have switched WEEKEND days with him, if this was the case. I would not just agree to give up my free time.

He storms out. I am left MAD. So his mom calls me, hours later, and tells me that WH was trying to get her to watch the kids, and she can only do it for a little while.... SHe told him that he needs to start spending more time with the kids, AND that he needs to plan his 'things' around the kids. Yay MIL!

So I call WH up and graciously offer to watch the kids, as long as he takes them overnight on Friday... He agrees.

So I go to pick up the kids after work, and he tells me that he is MAD AT ME.

I say why???? And he tells me that I am not telling him things about the kids that he SHOULD know.... like the fact that our oldest had school pictures the other day... or the fact that our youngest still needs breathing treatments periodically.....

These are ALL things that I have told him.

He then told me that he want ME TO START CALLING HIM EVERYDAY TO TELL HIM WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE KIDS.

I ask him, "are you nuts? I am NOT going to be calling you to tell you what is going on with them. YOU chose to leave their day to day lives, I am NOT going to be filling YOU in, so that YOU can feel like you are there!"

I then went on and said that I have a routine, and a schedule with the kids. They are used to it. I do not get help from him, nor do I ask him for help. I am not about to start running to him to tell him about things.

He was MAD.

He then said, 'You did not even tell me about DD's school orientation... you did not ask me to go until I said that I was willing to go! You said that you were just going to have your dad go!"

SO I said, "EVERY time I asked you to do something for Me or the kids during your work hours, like to see the ultrasound of our youngest, or go to a doctor appoint, you were too busy. WHY would I even think that you would want to go???"

He did not say anything. I got the girls and started to leave.

AND it occurred to me, he is just looking for a reason for me to talk to him, about the girls. I think it is bothering him that I am not this needy person, like he wanted to believe I was, and he WANTS me to start calling him all the time to 'let him know' things, and ask for help.

All I have to say to that is this, "It will be a cold day in [email]h@ll[/email] before I start doing that."

He then went on to say that he 'knows' that I have a boyfriend, and I should admit it already.

I just shook my head, and told him bye.

Dummy!

What a maroon!

If I may suggest something, write the girls schedules on a calendar that you pass to him on his weekends, showing him school functions dates and times. Then leave it alone. I am not defending his oafishness here, but I forget things all of the time, and I'm not IN some low class trist with OP, so you can imagine the shrinkage on his brain right now.

As for calling him daily. BULLCHIT! Seriously, a very idiotic request. You have slipped away and he grasping for whatever link he can to hold onto you and the kids. Them dang consequences.

You handled things very well with him. You should be very proud of yourself for detaching and not listening to his 'babble'.

SL-
That is actually a great idea! I have printed out a calendar already.
It makes me bristle, a little, that he can never bother to remember anything, and I am going to have to write it down for him, like he is a two year old. But, it will eliminate any of the 'I didn't know' [email]cr@p.[/email]

Now, on to a funny story...
Yesterday my oldest drew pictures for everyone at my mom and dad's house. She then puts them in envelopes with a 'stamp' and gives it to them.
My dad showed me the one that she drew for WH, and said, "look at how good this is! But, she forgot one thing, she should have drew him a brain!" LOL!
She was not with us, it was my dad's way of letting me know that he thinks WH is an [email]a@@.[/email]

One more week, and I will be D'd!

Thank goodness you are getting divorced. Too bad you even married him. Too bad you ever met him1

Celebrate after the divorce with all your friends and family!

Hi, SadMo!


I don't know about this suggestion, SL. On one hand it's good for the kids...assuming he'll follow the calendar.

But on the other hand. It's still the BS taking care of the WS responsibilities. If he wants to know what's going on....he needs to ask. And not SadMo. There's a school calendar online usually...so he'd know picture day, parent teacher conference time, end of quarters for grades, etc.

He probably knows (from past experience) who the kids go through for sports, he could call himself and get the schedule, talk to coaches, etc.

SadMo could let him know if any NEW sports, classes, etc.

IMHO, it's not our jobs to make their parenting easier. No one does it for us.

They want to be a parent? Then they need to ACT like one and do the work that it takes.

Sorry.....that was my own little frustrated vent there.

I think this relates to letting them own their own stuff and not continuing to "fix" things for them.

If they can't and miss games, programs, etc. Who's responsibility is that? It would be best to have BOTH parents attending.....but why is it the BS responsibility to make that happen?

Fox

Meh, it's just a suggestion. I'm not talking about taking the burden off of the WS, I'm talking about passing information back and forth--that's it. It could be very good for the kids. Also, if WH is informed, it's then squarely on his shoulders to do what is best for the kids, in whatever that means to him.

It's not your responsibility to coddle a wayward. It's your responsiblity to do what is best for the kids, that you are WILLING to do. If that means telling the WS that they must figure the schedule out for themselves, so be it. It's just a suggestion that I have seen tossed around here when parents are battling for custody. It just made sense.

I see what you're saying, SL. I've seen this suggested many times, too. It gets a little stuck in my craw (sometimes I get a full craw) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have difficulty doing anything that makes WH life easier. He's recently asked DD13 to have me email her grades to him everytime I receive them from the teachers (weekly). No, thank you.

He knows what school she goes to, he is quite capable of finding out her teachers if he doesn't know, and requesting to be put on the email list.

It's pretty easy....but not as easy as having the BS just do it for them.

This is where I see the enabler coming into play. During our M, I would have done all these things, he would have been apprised of all of this, invited to join, etc. I did all the work for him....as his partner in parenting.

By continuing to provide information he could get himself, would I be enabling his current parenting style. By stopping the enabling and letting him make the choice to do it or not, will he step up?

I do see how the calendar could be a good idea...it at least could lessen the amount of conflict and drama created because the BS didn't let the WS know whats going on every moment of the children's life that they chose to step out of.

Sorry......I really have no sympathy for the "poor me, BS didn't TELL me what I was supposed to do so I missed it. I WANT to be a good dad, but she won't help me"

Ech....just ignore me today. I'm still trying to shove off any extra weight I carry for WH and only carry my own. Trying to figure out who's stuff is who's stuff.

Fox

My thought is that the custodial parent and non-custodial parent are in different situations, so saying "he should find out for himself" is not necessarily "fair". It is much easier to keep track of things when you are the one who sees the notes and reminders that come home from school.

On the other hand, becoming separated necessarily means it will be more work for the non-custodial parent and that just comes with the territory. The non-custodial parent is not entitled to expect the custodial parent to keep them informed to the same extent as existed prior to the separation.

Every couple must find their own balance on this issue. Good luck finding yours.

Hey Foxy,
I hear you. I think we got into the same discussion a while back on your thread. I DO NOT agree with giving every minute detail of everything that goes on in the kids' days, or in giving information to a WS that can surely attain themselves by talking to the teachers and staff of the school.

I'm talking about NEW things, like new schedules for sporting events that maybe the coaches handed to the girls/boys and told them to take it home. I would be apt to make a copy of it and pass it along in some shared folder. Other than that, it is definitely up to the other parent to do what they need to in order to be in the know. You are in no way responsible for informing them of stuff that is easily attained, simply by logging onto the website of the county/school, or calling.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You must not have been able to convince me then, either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe it's because my DDs are older and SOME of the responsibility lies with them to get the information to us as parents.

Maybe it's because I have confidence that WH CAN do it if he so chooses. I'm attempting to back out of the "controlling" mindset and give him the opportunity to do it on his own.

Maybe it's a DJ to freely handover all information as if I didn't believe he could do it on his own.

I get this....and can be reasonable.

Sorry for the TJ, Sadmo. Carry on.

Fox

I would never give him the details of dailey life with the girls. If he had wanted to be there for it...he would have been. He is only entitled to know the important stuff. Their grades or special activities. I do not feel it is neccessary for you to give him a weekly calendar. He should call the school to be kept up to date on such activities. It is up to him to stay active in his children's lives..not you. Just more of those consequences.

If you feel the need, give him the numbers he needs to call and let him take it from there. You are now a single parent and your children's day to day lives are NO ONES business but your own.

He chose to remove himself from the home...so remove him. COMPLETELY!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello everyone!
I see what all of you are saying, but I tend to agree with SL on the fact that I should give him a monthly calendar of events. That way, he cannot tell me he 'did not know'. I also put the weekends that he has the kids, and I have the kids. Kind of like a reminder that he SHOULD NOT MAKE PLANS ON THOSE DAYS.
My kids are still young (2 and 5) so I cannot expect them to help in this matter.

Stella-
I also wish I never met him... but then again, I would not have my two wonderful kids... so I cannot wish it too much. He was good for something (not just nothing! LOL!)

Foxy-
I know what you are saying too. I struggled with it. But, the fact remains that he uses the fact that he 'forgets' too much against me, so it may just be easier to let him know more about their schedule.

HOTI-
I am trying to work with him... it is hard when he claims he does not remember things!

GC-
That is how I feel too! That is the point I was trying to make to him the other day... that I am the one that has to handle everything, so why on earth would I involve him so that he can feel like he is here????
Crazy.

But, I am going to try to work through things as best as I can, and go from there. Once the D is through, I will feel like I can be myself more around him, and not act like all sunshine and smiles... (not that I am not always that way LOL!)

Thanks for all of your input!

One week to go...
He called the house today, and the sitter asked how he was, and he brightly said, "I am doing A LOT better!"

Which annoys me. Because he is with super white trash woman.
But, his choice, my annoyance!
LOL!

I don't disagree that your WH needs to do this for himself. I'm talking of the situation and what you could do. That's all. Now, about the daily stuff, HIS LOSS. He left. I said the same thing about PWC.

I know that PWC came home because he missed DS, his daily life. I did not discuss anything about DS, except for pertinent dates with daycare and such, when I was in Plan B and/or separated. It seemed like a natural consequence of him leaving.