i don't think my wife will be phased by plan b right away. we've got like $3000 in accts in her name only like emergency fund and maybe $3000 in joint checking. i can take that $3000 today and leave her with that $3000 in her private accts. the private accts were just stuff like our emergency fund and business account out of convenience due to our terrible bank's online dept, we never made joint. not sure if i should take half the joint or all. and we've made lots of xfers out of joint into hers last week due to bouncing probs (not planned by her). $3000 is a lot for her to live on plus she gets good hours. when she left in october, money probably was a motivator to come back, she worked like 6 days a week in a total of 2 jobs. not necessary now.

what do i tell a 6 year old?

I'd take what's in the joint account as well as whatever is in your own personal account. Contact your lawyer TODAY to find out what's legal in your situation.

I'll leave what you tell your six year old to others...I'd probably tell him a watered down version of the truth.

Mommy has a boyfriend. Married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends, and so mommy is moving out because of that.

i can't imagine telling our daughter that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> it sounds so cruel. my wife will start telling her things like i was a bad person and treated her badly and married people shouldn't take abuse so mommy is moving out because of that. i don't know, this whole thing sucks. i think i was her age when my parents divorced <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What do you think you're wife is going to tell her when she's with her? I'm betting that it'll be the same as what you posted, REGARDLESS of what you say.

I'm for telling the truth. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that cheating is ok in a marriage?

I didn't see anything cruel in what I said. Its the simple truth, watered down so that she can understand it. Tell her what you think is appropriate. Personally, I think the truth is best. She'll figure a LOT out as it goes on anyway. What do YOU think is appropriate? Do you want her to believe whatever your wife says is the situation?

i don't really know anything owl. cause someone tell me why i shouldn't txt her something mean like 'thanks for proving why i shouldn't have trusted you at a bar in the first place'. i feel so angry inside.

Ash

I know how hard this is I and many others have been there, but at this point its time to start looking out for you and your child. WW has chosen her path and she will have to fall to understand the action/path she has decided to take. This in no way makes it easier for you to digest but unfortunately is a fact even if we don't like it or deserve it for that matter.

Protect yourself and your child from an out of control, emotionally sick, WW sooner than later. Get an attorney, separate finances (I would take the joint account and convert it into a sole account, and leave her the other $3,000), get your child home at all costs to be with and cared for by you. Make it clear that your daughter is not be around any other Men your WW may happen upon. If she does this then go for a temporary emergency hearing to get custody of your daughter, finances settled, child support from WW, etc.

Use the anger to take action, positive action for you and your child at this time. WW's time will come, just not right now.

Because you are an adult faced with a crisis, and playing texting tit-for-tat with your wayward wife is a waste of your mental energy and time.

Instead you should be:

Contacting the bank and closing out the joint accounts.

Cancelling any joint credit cards.

Making sure your child is home in his/her own bed tonight.

Making sure that you have food in the house to feed your child.

Calling an attorney so that you will have one available should you need one quickly.

See, those are things that forward your life, protect your child, and protect your marriage.

The nannynannybooboo stuff just feels good for the short moment and gets you jack in the end.

yeah grap - i guess there is no silverbullet to make her feel guilty enough to clear the fog and return home. thanks for the checklist.

*going to bank in 30 minutes and will take most of money in joint account that isn't accounted for in bills yet.
*i think we have one joint card (old navy), i'll close out.
*having dinner with child tonite.
*will pick up child for night either tomorrow or wed.
*lots of food.
*attorney has been called - message left.

what do i say to her about the money? she usually checks accounts everyday so i'd rather be proactive than think her i'm sneaking around. i know she'll perceive it as a confrontational altho i'm only trying to be defensive.

do i do a plan b letter - do i even do plan b - do i even do anything but try to survive.

Don't tell her anything until its done...otherwise she'll just withdrawl all your money and leave you hanging.

Dude...you need to recognize that right now, your WAYWARD WIFE is the enemy. Not the sweet woman that you married...but this infernal imposter that has replaced her. You don't tell the enemy what you're going to do. You don't give them your battle plan. You don't waste time trying to win tiny little battles (like the texting thing)...you develop your strategy, implement it through your battle plans, and concentrate on winning the WAR.

Decide what you WANT as an outcome to all of this.

Develop your PLAN for getting there.

Identify what steps you need to take to implement your plan.

STICK TO YOUR PLAN.

Have backup plans available for when your enemy (WW) does something that messes up your steps to achieve your goals.

Don't waste time and energy on things that don't fit into your plan.

thank you owl! you are right, she is not who i married nor was in recovery with. what can i tell her _after_ i take out the money so she'll flip out less than if i didn't. that is a great point about what i want. i mean what i want won't seem to happen (her change her mind and not turn affair physical if not already) and return home. i don't know if after being burned twice how i'd feel about taking her back knowing she so easily threw everything away. i wish i could tell her that it's over if she has an affair but there are no magic words i guess.

You aren't sneaking and you can't help how she perceives what you are doing. When you are dealing with a wayward spouse, anything you do other than let them have their way in all things, is perceived negatively.

No, you don't want to go tell her what you are doing. Is she telling you what she is doing? That's right, she's not.

If she contacts you about the account, you can simply tell her you're doing what you think is best for the family. Has your wife always done the household bills? If so, you will want to make sure that you take over job for right now.

Good for you for following through! There are a lot of folks who have gone through what you are going through and their rooting for you.

Plan B is not something to be entered into without time to think about it. So, you hike up your pants and tuck in your shirt - walk with your shoulders back and acknowledge to yourself that you are being a strong man today on behalf of your family and are doing the right thing.

Make a list of things you need to discuss with your attorney. That would include:

Wife's suicide attempt.
Affairs.
Change in sexual behavior.
Leaving child.
Finances.
Work info.

? What else?

Tell her the truth...

"I took the money out of the account to protect our family from what you're doing. You have indicated that you are 'living your own life'. Based on that, I'm letting you do so. Living your own life means no reliance on anyone but yourself. So if you choose to move out and live like that, I won't be supporting you, in any fashion. The bottom line is that I'm just giving you what you've asked for."

You need to stop worrying about how these doing these things will make her angry. I think it was Melodylane here on this site that's said repeatedly "Your marriage can survive her anger...but it can't survive an ongoing affair"...or something like that.

Quit worrying about driving her away. Face it...she's gone.

Instead, worry about taking care of yourself and your family FIRST. Then worry about how using the MB principles here can save your marriage.

You should seriously consider getting in touch directly with the Harleys...perhaps it'll make more sense to you if you hear this from them?

Man, is this true or what!!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Can you explain in more detail why your daughter isn't living in her home with you right now? I'm confused. Even if you work long hours, having her home in her own bed is better for her than not being with you, always. It may tax you to the brink, emotionally and physically, I know.

I just would hate to see a custody battle with your wife's lawyer talking about how you abandoned your child to other family. These things can get crazy.

Dude,

""no silverbullet to make her feel guilty enough to clear the fog and return home.""

Guilty enough??? I do not believe this is a reason you want her to return to you and your home is it?

kirk

i have my daughter for the night - thanks for the encouragement everyone. it will not be every night but this was all so sudden. she'll go to her grandparents tomorrow night - which i'm okay with as i have ic and will see my close friends. i'll start regularly making sure she's at our house. part of is it that we have so much family and she loves spending time with them, she routinely spends the night twice a week (sometimes more), so my ww and i could go on dates.

i opened a solo account and moved most of the joint money into it. thanks for the support everyone.

i wonder if exposing her affair to our daughter would help end it - or the threat of exposure. like someone above said, your mommy has a boyfriend now. i don't want our child to feel rejected - even tho we are. our child is very angry lately and i'm sure a lot of it is due to parent tensions.

kirk - good point. but i was thinking at least if she was home, we could deposit love units rather than not talk at all.

everyone - it means so much to me to see people posting here - even if it's just to say good luck.

told daughter tonite it was so heartbreaking. i really watered it down. i felt bad about mentioning spouses are supposed to only have each other as best friends but mommy got mad at daddy. instead of fixing our problems, she found a new best friend. so sad crying together with her and just holding her. just thinking about it now made so mad, i sent her a nasty txt msg: "fyi - your daughter cried herself to sleep tonight asking where her mom was and why she wasn't home. it was real heartbreaking. enjoy your date." of course the best revenge, ww can have is to ignore my msg which she is doing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i guess i learned

well she answered my txt a bit later. i was asleep and didn't respond til around 3 am and i txt'ed a response and we went back and forth before she called. we probably talked for about 3 hours. she says she is tired of struggling to have fun with me and that she clicks so well without trying with this new person. that all our happy moments were doing fun things and that she would have had fun going to Jamaica, amusement parks, etc with anyone cause they were fun activities. i'm pretty sure all that's happened is talking on the phone - it's only been a few days. she kept asking me to release her. she said she wants a divorce not seperation and wants like half of the home equity as well as some monthly money. i don't think she'll try to do anything sneaky and asked if she can use the same lawyer i pick out. she is so convinced most of our marriage she was unhappy and maybe she was. i really want to fight for her but don't know if i'm delusional. i feel so sick about losing her. she's gone i don't know that plan a fits, and she'd probably be okay with plan b - not having me lovebust altho she would miss me some perhaps. i guess it would just be a matter of her tiring of the om or vice versa. or then there'd be someone else, she was proud that she got several offers from the hospital where she works. sigh
update: i wrote a letter most likely ineffective (i hate not doing anything) including the stats on affairs working out. i think that gave me confidence and i turned it into a letter concluding with something like 'i have never been more confident in my life that once again you will be my beautiful bride'. gag. don't know what i've done. i really felt it too. now i'm so nervous. she only has talked to him supposedly. should i kill her cell phone - it's on a family plan under my name. that would only make her really mad but worse maybe vindicitive against me. she could really make divorce nasty if she wanted.

OK...first off. 2x4 coming (that means I'm about to try to knock a lesson into you)

KNOCK OFF THE ANGRY TEXTS TO YOUR WW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's childish, and its NOT going to help you at all. It's going to do nothing but give her more ammunition to use against you. At this point, ONE of you has to act like an adult. She CAN'T...so its up to you.

YOU need to control your anger, and THINK before you act. Seriously...all you're doing is driving her away acting like that. Would YOU want to be with someone who sends you messages like that...no matter how well deserved?

On telling your daughter...I wouldn't use emotional words, like angry, or whatever. I'd stick to the simple facts, like I'd mentioned before. Mom is doing something that married people aren't supposed to do...

So your wife wants a divorce so she can pursue "her happiness"...trust me, that is Standard Wayward Spouse Speech #2. (#1 is I love you, but I'm not in love with you)

Tell her that you're not interested in divorce. You married "for better, or for worse". You want to rebuild the marriage. If she wants to talk about divorce, she needs to talk with your lawyer...you only do marriage discussions.

Read up again on plan A. Expose to everyone who matters, whose opinion she cares about. Ask them for their assistance in getting your wife to end her affair and work on her marriage. AND DO THE CARROT TOO...make yourself more attractive to her. ANYTIME you see her, you need to be dressed nice, clean shaven, and smelling GREAT. You need to smile, be pleasant, and show her that you ARE the fun guy she married and loves. Figure out what her top emotional needs are, and start meeting them.

THIS should be your battle plan for now. What you're doing with the texts and such...that's going to LOSE the war for you.

Seriously, you need to contact a professional marriage counselor, preferably one who knows and uses the MB principles and get some real help from them.

thanks owl. i also did get the 'i love you but i'm not in love with you' too. i guess that is pretty standard response.

i know what plan a is but in my head, but not sure how to apply it when she's moved out. does this mean i give her "permission" to take money from our emergency fund for an apartment. money that is in her sole account. i'm also not sure how to deposit if she's pissed off at me. i doubt she'll accept a lunch invitation.

i will probably be having a divorce lawyer calling today. do i need to draw up even seperation agreement? yesterday i was rolling over but now i don't want to altho i'm scared to death.