after i get seperation agreement signed/official, i'll go for exposure. she said she's willing to give up any claim on the house and my 401k if we'll do joint custody. she is getting lots of advice to get a lawyer and fight me so i'm very leary of pushing things. i really do want her back at some point and i'd be sick if she just blew through 10s of thousands of dollars and we'd be back to square zero in our financial situation. thanks for the template/ideas. i feel the word abandon is too strong a word. i'm really scared to do it though i know it is the right thing to do. maybe i can ask a friend to help me with the letters or something. maybe someone should start a MB exposure business for those BS that are weak. i feel kinda resigned today. i was already depressed going into this and now i feel like a zombie. i could spend all day in bed.

Ashes,

You have got to pull yourself together and show some strength, even if you don't feel it, PRETEND.

Your WW will not respect or desire a man she feels is weak. I agree with JMW.

If you feel you were Plan Aing for 8 months and she was still having C,or worse new C with a different OM, you need to make a change. You will never win her back doing what you are doing.

Quit being scared to expose, take out the guns. You have got to show her another side. Are you seeing an IC? If not, do so. Perhaps AD would help you if you aren't already taking them. You have to decide that you are worth more than this, that you deserve better. If you don't believe you are, how in the He$$ will she? If you don't right now believe, put on your actors hat and go for the Academy Award, all the while taking steps to get there in reality.

It's OK to say: "I want more than this, I deserve better". All the while you can keep expressing that you still want better with her, in your M together, that the things you're doing are in protection of your love for her, if that makes you feel better.

Also, you seem to think you know for sure that her A hasn't become physical yet. How are you so sure?

You have got to focus on the things that you can control, which happen to be YOU!!! You can't control what she's doing, so be your own advocate, be your daughter's advocate. Do whatever you have to do to protect you and your daughter.
Remember, you wife may or may not come back, but your sitch will be your sitch either way. So, protect YOURSELF and fight for your marriage at the same time.

If you feel you have done a good job in Plan A and you did your best to try and meet her needs, she taking you and your M for granted,knowing she can do whatever she wants and have you back no matter what that is.

Quite giving her permission to wollow in affairland. Knowing all the while that she can have you any time she wants.

I don't mean to be harsh. I have been where you are and it was only when I quite being a [censored] eating, scared little doormat and changed my attitude that my FWH finally started coming around.

thanks so much jaded41!! i feel that altho i was doing a pretty good job meeting her ENs since affair #1, that my love busting especially this last month depleted whatever i built up. in fact i read a note from a month ago about how she felt we were headed back in same direction cause of my attitude. and now she's like three strikes, and i'm out (she left once before for a few weeks - no affair). somehow i need to figure out that she can't take it for granted that i'll be waiting for her, yet i told her i still want to work on rebuilding our marriage. your line about me deserving better is true. i can have it both ways. say i deserve better and i want to work on my marraige. not just feel like a victim and say i want to work on my marraige.

yesterday was the first day i had any fun since this all happened. after church, my daughter and i visited our friends who have a couple of younger boys and i actually enjoyed myself in what we did. at times i got lonely for my wife but was really at peace. i had done lots of fun stuff since since dday #2, but didn't have fun. yesterday gave me hope of normal life no matter what happens.

i really didn't think it could get worse. my ww was raped this weekend by someone (not om#2) that she went home with from a bar. police charges pending. other than that, she says she is doing great. also she ended up taking my daughter to see om#2 at his house and have dinner and let our daughter play with his kids.

i feel so sick. i feel so sad. i feel like i have no life left. that everything is going to be tainted and i'll never be able to really be happy. i'm so sad and tired.

Don't allow OM around your daughter. File for D or legal separation and get a court order if you have to.

Strike now!!!
File for D or LSA (adultery) and for FULL CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD, get court to not allow OM# whatever around your daughter. PROTECT YOUR CHILD FIRST AND TO ****** WITH JOINT CUSTODY. YOUR WW IS OUT OF HER MIND, HERE THIS OUT OF HER MIND, TAKING SOMEONE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOME FROM A BAR TO BE RAPED AND THEN TAKING YOUR DAUGHTER TO OM'S HOME.

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAKE. THE BURDEN TO PURSUE RECOVERY FALLS INTOT THE LAP OF YOUR WW NOW NOT YOURS.

thanks jim and hope&pray. i just got a draft copy of the lsa and will look it over tonite. i know i requested a clause about unmarried opposite sex overnight when either of us had daughter. i don't know the wording or thoughts to recommend to the lawyer. can people advise on best way to get ideas across in lsa to protect daughter. my lawyer said whatever i write for her conditions will be same as for me.
my lawyer and i were initally going for me having physical custody but giving her liberal visitation. she doesn't have much interest in our dd right now except when dd cries for her on the phone.

Go for "full" custody with visitation for WW subject to conditions of not being exposed to OM. You do not want to even have joint legal with a wayward if you are in a position to get around it which in your case you may be.

actually they spent a couple days together with him and his kids - even went to the amusement park. she wants a time limit until she can expose dd to him.

Answer: NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or at least never as a mom with anything more than visitation every other weekend and holidays.

The answer is simple and easy...

"Once you're no longer married to me."

You do need to get an LSA in place, and get your lawyer engaged ASAP. I really think that you need to take some drastic steps to protect your daughter from your wife's current behavior and expectations.

owl - do i rush the divorce then? i guess it depends if i want to attempt to save the marriage still.

i'm really confused if i can prevent this or not. i'll see what my lawyer says. my lawyer wasn't really interested in this last time i approached it.

i feel this also forces the need to tell my daughter something more than ww has moved out. my parents divorced when i was her age and my father is still with the ow and i hate her to this day. is that unhealthy? i hate all this freaking drama. why can't my ww just go away instead of inflicting continual damage.

You'll get mixed advice, but I'm generally an advocate of telling the kids the truth. Keep it simple.

"Mommy has a boyfriend. Married people aren't supposed to have one, but that's what she's doing. That's why we're fighting and not together."

I'm not saying to rush the divorce. It should take as long as it takes...I'm simply saying that you should tell your wife that she's not to have overnight opposite sex visitors until after you're divorced. You're wife will be screaming about it, but that's no reason to change what you're doing.

This is all about setting boundaries...its gotta happen.

I'm suggesting that you DO get the LSA in place...ONLY TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER. You DO need to get your lawyer on board...again...to protect yourself and your daughter. I don't mean that you need to help your wife do the divorce...I mean protect yourself legally and financially from her while she's doing what she's doing.

thank you. i'm going over the draft with my father who's an attorney tonite and will talk to my official attorney who is handling things tomorrow. i think things will be more stable once the LSA is in place.

She was raped??? How awful.....

I hear you CW and I don't want to make light of this tragedy and IF this is what happened then I hope they fry the idiot that did it.

BUT, if you play russian roulette long enough you will get SHOT. I promise! She went to a bar, likely got drunk or at least loose as a result of alcholo and lowering of inhibitions, likely flirted with someone she had barely met and then decided it would be new and exciting for this new life she has created for herself if she took him home and such. She may have gotten cold feet at some point but the message had already been sent to this [censored] (and he is a [censored] if he didn't stop when she said stop because no or stop can be said at any time and should be adhered to) that she was willing to have him in her place of safety, security, her home. These kinds of things happen to you when you change who you were, are, to rise as this new wayward, person without fear, responsibilities, throwing caution to the wind about eveything in your life....

it is awful, i feel sick about it. no one deserves to be raped. she was at his place somehow from the bar, i think she thought he was taking her home. i don't know all the details but obviously she wasn't safe and is too trusting. she's got om #2 to help her and get through this situation. i'm just an outsider finding out days afterwards. it really cements the fact that i've lost her.

I don't post here much...but given my experiences I'd be really suspicious about the rape. I know this isn't very "PC" but I've known two women that have claimed a rape after they went home from a bar with a guy...willingly had sex with him..and claimed rape...just so they wouldn't upset their husband/boyfriend. And yes...they both reported the "rape" to police. Fortunately...everything was found out before court proceedings...unfortunately...women never get prosecuted for false rape charges. So they have nothing to lose by this...See the Duke case...I think your WW went home with this guy...had consensual sex..regretted it because she felt like she was cheating ON THE OM and then claimed rape. IT HAPPENS a LOT!!! Just my 2 cents and just wanted to let you know this is a distinct possibility.

If she was raped for real...there should be no mercy on the perp.

smokey - yeah that's certainly a possibility - she's not in her right mind either way.

so i txted her yesterday if she still wants seperation or leave things as is and she responds back up to me. i do need one for protection but don't want to be overeager. anyways today on the phone after she talks to dd, she starts talking about wanting to start over and be friends. and then said something like sometimes friendship can lead to love. i don't know if she's playing with my mind or what - maybe hoping for a nicer settlement? i was all set to file seperation, expose to her employer, and maybe plan b within a few days.