My wife left me about 7 weeks ago - initially saying that there was no one else, then telling me that she was having an emotional affair with a man who works for her. Then about 2 weeks ago, she rented her own house and he moved in with her. She says that she slept with him at that point.

Then a few days ago, she came round to see me, told me that she had had a dream about me and one thing led to another and we almost had sex. However, I couldn't go through with it because I can't get rid of the image of them together. Now she says she's trying to decide what to do again.

Her new objection to coming back is that she doesn't think that I'll be able to get over it and that we'll break up again anyway (at that point our babies will be older and it'll be tougher on them, she says).

So my question is...how are you able to put the image out of your mind? How are you able to get over it?

Thanks

(this was posted before on the "Recovery" forum)

Sorry you need to be here wibbler. This is a very good place to be in your sitch.

How many kids and their age?

How long have you been Married?

Have you told anyone about her A? If so, who?

Is the other man (M) married?

If this guy works for her then you will want to let their co. know about this so they can help put a stop to their A.

Stick around - it does get better over time.

One thing that helps you "get over it" is if IT isn't still going on. She needs to move the other man out and have no contact with him ever again before she can expect you to "get over it".

Have you been doing a good Plan A? Were there a lot of issues in the marriage before the adultery?

She has 2 kids from her previous marriage, one of whom I'm very close to and the other not so much. We had twins about 17 months ago. We've been married for 7 years.

This is a slightly unusual case because I don't believe that she was dishonest about the affair itself. She didn't tell me that she was thinking about leaving though, although she had been thinking about it for 4 or 5 months.

I talked to her family about it before I found out that he'd moved in and she admitted that she'd slept with him. But I didn't tell anyone anything since then - because she asked me not to. I don't think it makes any difference anyway, because she isn't very close to her family and she isn't talking to any of them at the moment anyway. Plus we don't live near any of them so they can't track her down and give her a piece of their mind.

She was very explicit about the problems that she had with me before she left, but I didn't realize that they were that serious. So another reason that I'm not telling her family any more is because she says that I need to show her that I can listen and respect what she's asked me to do.

He isn't married - his last girlfriend was also going through a "messy" divorce, my wife tells me. She says that he's in love with her, but she isn't in love with him. She claims that he's moved in mostly to help pay the rent.

It's her business, and I'm pretty sure that her partners already know, so it doesn't make a difference there. I've told her that she will have to totally leave him out of her life in order to help me get over the fact that she slept with him - which means him moving out, him not working there anymore and them having no more contact. She seemed to baulk at the idea of firing him, rather than at him moving out - I'm not sure if this is because it would expose her to legal trouble or because the business depends on him so much or because she wants to keep him around in case things don't work out between us.

Her partners get back from vacation on Saturday so I'm hoping that she will talk to them about it when they get back.

Wibbler,

The reality is that only time can "prove" that you can get over it. Having a wife who is actively addressing her issues and the marital relationship will impact how well you get over it. The lack of willingness, openness and cooperation on her part will directly impact your ability.

There are differing views on the following, but I would not have sex with a wandering spouse after infidelity without a full STD test. It is my understanding that two tests are necessary and the second one is taken 6 months after the first.

How old are your babies? What are the custody arrangements? Is the other man married?

The issues that she had with me were that I stopped showing her affection and doing the little things (telling her I loved her, kisses). Also, she says that we've had sex 4 times in 3 years, which surprised me but I believe her because she keeps records of these things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She says that she didn't feel that I loved her and that I put our babies first, way ahead of anyone else. We had twins 17 months ago. She stayed at home with them for about 14 months, and she had a very difficult time, although I didn't realize how hard it was for her, partially because it was pretty hard for me too! She was depressed, I was tired. Then she started a restaurant, which involved a huge amount of work and left me with the babies. I was OK with this because I thought it would be good for us in the end for her to have this, financially and for her self-esteem.

We've always had problems with money because I make waaay more than her and, although I paid whatever bills she ran up, I didn't share with her - she is more spendthrift than me and I didn't trust her. I intended to share after our babies were born, because I felt that was the right thing to do. But I never followed through on it, because I thought that I had to figure out a budget etc and I never took time to do it.

I've said now that we'll share everything down the middle, with the proviso that we agree on any joint expenses and any debt we take on. I think that this will work out better for me as well, because she will see her personal spending money shrinking if we spend too much on groceries etc, so I will get what I want anyway.

Our negotiations have always been power struggles, and it's encouraged both of us to take stands on meaningless issues just so that we don't seem weak <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We have mismatched libidos - she wants sex more than me. Also, she is much more adventurous than me - for instance, she wants to involve other women occasionally, which I'm insecure about. I've said that I'll go to a sex therapist to help me with that - after all, I would much rather be like her sexually than like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> it's just hangups

My explanation for what's happened is that. We've had an endless series of stressors in the last 3 years - done IVF, had a miscarriage, moved house, pregnant with twins, twins in the nicu, bringing them up for a year and then the restaurant opening. I reacted to this by turning off more from sex, while she feels it is a stress reliever. Also, I think that she went from a very closed in, restrictive environment with the babies into an extremely active social environment running a restaurant and this has affected her deeply.

There were various other problems, but these are the big ones.

Sorry - rather a long post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lack of sex was one of the things she was complaining about in the first place! I trust her on the STD thing - she's very anal and knowledgeable about that sort of thing.

17 months old. We've have them 50-50. He's single.

Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked, are you vegetarian, and do you eat any soy products?

No, I haven't had testosterone checked - although I've thought about it since this started. And I'd certainly be willing to - I'm going to a therapist in about a week and I'll ask him then. I haven't discussed this with her - she's sick of hearing what I would do for her if she came back. She says that she accepts that I can fix most of these things for now, but she's scared of backsliding because she thinks it'll be so much more difficult to leave later when the babies are older.

Not vegetarian, no soy.

No porn useage?

Well, inviting other women into the marriage isn't appropriate, IMO. While the lack of "sexual compatibility" is something that should be addressed (my mistake in my M, not addressing it or the underlying problems that caused it), I don't think bringing other partners in is "healthy".

Something has to give. She either moves back home, fires the OM and there is no contact EVER AGAIN, or you might as well prepare yourself for divorce, I'm afraid.

It sounds like she's cake-eating. She's go ther other man, but she still has you on the hook. This is no good for anyone.

Opening a business with infants is more than an overwhelming task, and the restaurant business is particularly brutal. I'm sure hindsight is 20/20 but as a business owner myself I can tell you - it's 70-hour work weeks, little or no pay, and it takes a huge toll on relationships. My kids were older when we started our business but I'm still paying the price in lost time on important things. I'm looking to sell my business so I can get back to a normal life.

Read up - get Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs... expose the affair and shed light on it. The sooner it's stamped out, the better chances you'll have at saving your M.

JinGA

On both our parts, yes. Her to satisfy her unfulfilled needs and me...mostly, I think it was like an addiction. I didn't even enjoy it much. I also masturbated rather than have sex with her. I think because it was just so much easier and there was so much else that I thought was more important (babies and various other unimportant crap).

I remember always feeling kind of angry with her and that inhibited me, but I can't really remember why I was angry. The best I can think of was that it was a reaction to all the stress - maybe she was just the nearest, easiest person to blame. This is another one of her issues - I can't exactly explain what happened, so how can I prevent it in the future???

My answer to that is that we communicate better and she tells me if she feels I'm going off track and I learn to trust her opinion.

Well, I'm not against it - it's every man's dream isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Obviously we couldn't do it until we were solid between the 2 of us, but I don't object to it at all - I just don't have enough confidence for it or something I guess.

Anyway, I feel like I had a tremendous wife, wonderful in so many ways, but I took her for granted and was lazy about our marriage. I'm totally sick with myself.

Well this is just my opinion, and how I felt about porn invading my marriage, but when a husband would rather have a date with himself and some images on a computer, that totally kills any feelings of sexual desire that I had.

This was a HUGE problem in my marriage. It wasn't the only problem, and in part it was a symptom of other problems (does this sound familiar?)...

Let me put it this way... how you're feeling all creeped out and disgusted about your W being with OM? Well many women, myself included, get that same creept out disgusted feeling when we know that our man would rather have sex with a 2-dimensional image, a fantasy and his hand, than with ourselves - their WIVES.

Maybe there's no STD risk when you're doing your own thing, but the psychological effects are about the same, IMO. Whether it be a porn image or another person, it's taking the focus of SF away from the spouse and placing it with somebody else. That can't be good.

JinGA

You're completely right - I haven't done it since she left and I certainly think it was wrong on my part. I can appreciate how she felt - to be so open to sex and to still be rejected over and over again. Also, since she's a woman, it's so easy for her to find a man who will be right on the same page with her on this and she ended up with me, one of the few who wasn't. I can see how she feels that she's just ended up with the wrong person.

However, we were in love once, we went to great lengths to have children together for that reason. I hope that we can be together again and that it will be much, much better than before.

Back to my original question - can people post some stories of how they did or didn't manage to "get over" the idea and images of their spouse with someone else.

Did it go away gradually or after some breakthrough?

What did you need from your spouse as help?

If you couldn't get over it, why not?

How did you deal with it if it entered your mind? Did you talk about it with your spouse, or go away and deal with it privately?

Does it help or hinder to know all the gory details?

How was your sex life when you first married or got together? Most folks are like rabbits at first, then the novelty wears off after a couple of years or so. Men typically want more SF, women typically less... but that's not always the case.

There's more to a marriage than sex, but it does play an important role, especially depending on how much importance each partner places on it.

Do you think that you will be able to improve in that area? If you know that filling your W's EN means more SF, are you willing to do that?

JinGA

Well, here it is - I was a virgin when we married and I was 26 yrs old, whilst she was very experienced. I had problems even having sex when we met but she was extremely patient and generous with me. I went to a sex therapist and the immediate problem went away quite quickly - a few weeks - I was able to have sex. However, stupidly, I never went back after we actually had sex, but some problems remain with me getting self-concious and distracted.

Yes, we were much more active in the years after we married and before we started with the babies. But even then she wanted much more excitement, variety and experimentation etc.

Whether we get back together or not, I'm going back to a sex therapist to fix this - although of course it'll be difficult without a partner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it's certainly possible to fix my problem, after all it was fairly easy to fix it the first time and I would love to do it. I don't have a lack of desire for sex or for her. It's just that I didn't put a priority on it, there were so many other things to cope with.

I thought I was expressing love for her by helping with the babies and sharing that with her, but it was waaay too indirect and she didn't feel it. It's opened my eyes to the fact that your whole family is based on the relationship between the parents and if that's not good, everybody will suffer.

Well everyone's different... IMO showing DS (domestic support) is a fantastic way of showing love and filling EN... but like I said, everybody's different.

As for your sexual issues... I don't wish to pry, so only say what you're comfortable saying - but if it affected your ability to have good SF with your W that can be a great source of frustration. Dealing with it is the best way.

Her amount of "experience" shouldn't have that much to do with it though - I was more experienced than my H, but that didn't cause me to wander.. although he didn't have any sexual issues (at least initially) that came between us.

He did venture into porn and that did a lot of damage to both of us - but that's another story.

I won't assume to know what your issue is, but I have dealt with some "stuff" in that regard... the man I was involved with after my M ended had some issues, and he was unwilling to work on it so I found the sexual part of our relationship very frustrating. Our relationship ended - not because of that - there were many things that prompted me to leave that relationship and that issue wasn't super high on the list, but it was a factor.

Ironically that experience taught me a lot about the frustration that I'm sure my XH felt at times when I wasn't meeting his need for SF in the marriage.

There's a lesson in everything.

JinGA

Just found out that the OM quit his job working for my wife. The business hasn't been making enough money to make payroll and they've been shorting the OM and my wife doesn't get paid at all (since she's a partner).

She said that it was a surprise to her so I guess that means that he didn't talk to her about it first, even though they're living together.

Obviously, this is a good thing in the grand scheme of things, but I would have much preferred it if she'd fired him rather than him quitting.

I'll try not to assume too much - he hasn't broken up with her (yet???)