Well, how about this situation. My WW run out of money and claims that she can't pay for things for the babies. I offered to buy whatever they need, but not give her money - I feel like it would go on rent for her house w/ boyfriend. She refused and told me that I could take the babies 7 days a week. I said OK. Now she's upset because she thinks that I'll get awarded full custody in the divorce. Now she says that the main problem is paying for the childcare.

I could offer to pay for the childcare and split custody again - not sure if she'd take that. Am I illegitimately using the children as leverage?

wibbler,

Is that what your intent is, to use your children as leverage to force your WW to come home?

Why don't you take care of your children as best you can and just ignore the wayward spouse fog-babble crap that she is feeding you?

If she wants you to take the kids, take the kids. If she wants money to spend so she can shack up with her boyfriend, tell to go scratch.

If she wants to complain about how you taking care of the kids is making her look like a bad mother, smile, nod and agree that she does look like a bad mother.

If she wants to shame you into paying for her affair, tell her you only pay expenses for family and since she has decided to leave the family, you have no money for her.

Time to cowboy up!

Mark

wibbler...

Here's what you should do, actually IMO as a FWW, here's what you are OBLIGATED to do as the only sane parent in this situation...You take those precious babies 7 days a week, and pay for their childcare...Right now, I can assure you that your WW is NOT capable of being a good mother...And remember, sadly, I speak from experience about this...Prior to my affair I was a good mother, now I am a good mother, during the affair I was HORRIBLE...All waywards are rotten parents...Their heads are in the clouds and they are COMPLETELY self and addiction focused...Not only that, but the very fact that they are actively destroying their children's family makes them unfit...You have no idea how many waywards are in very serious car accidents, just to give you an example of one thing that could befall your children in your WW's care...I'd be glad to post a link to the pic of my totaled Saab if you'd like...Happened while I was a nutty wayward...By the grace of God our DD was not in the car with me...

Your WW is right to be upset about losing custody...She most likely will if she continues on this path...She KNOWS she should...Even she can see that she is unfit if she does this...What does that tell you?

You aren't using your children as leverage, you are PROTECTING them and to do otherwise would be a dereliction of duty on your part. Please believe me...With ever fiber of my being I know what I am saying is right...I've lain in that gutter wibbler...I'm telling you how very ugly it is over there...Don't allow your children to be harmed and corrupted by it...Man up and be their daddy...It is your responsiblity...

Dr. Harley says that children are a draw to the marriage for a WS...That is how it should be...You are protecting them and it can be advantageous to saving your marriage as well...

I hope and pray that this makes sense to you wibbler...Your children depend on it...

Mrs. W

No, it's not my intent - she told me to do it - but it might be a side-effect. My intent is to keep at least half-custody of my children and not to give her any more money. The children should see their mother as well.

I am responsible. Maybe you don't know my history - she left them with me for the first 6 weeks after she left anyway - I've got no problem taking them 7 days a week.

Thinking about it - I suppose that I feel a bit guilty because they need their mother and maybe I should try and find some way to make it happen...that's all.

I think I'm going to just keep them though. She should feel guilty.

This is a really nice sentiment wibbler...It has a nice bumper sticker ring to it even...I'm giving you the brass tacks here, right now, while she is a WW, she IS an unfit mother...She should NOT be allowed to take those children around her affair partner...PERIOD...That is EXTREMELY damaging to them and you as their father have a duty to protect them...I recommend supervised visits in the family home for her...I am begging you to heed my warnings...I do know what I'm talking about on this...

Mrs. W

Very good man wibbler...I'm glad to see you will keep your babies...That is the right thing to do here I assure you...

And I have read your entire thread...I've said prayers for your family...

Mrs. W

wibbler

You are protecting your children-not using them. Your WW is using them to try to get $ from you. If she really needed things for the babies, she'd accept your offer. Listen to MrsW on this one.

Let your stepson know that some families are made of kids who are biological and some are made of kids who were chosen to be part of the family. That's what he is-your chosen son.

I know. All five kids in my family are adopted ( my twin and I were adopted together) and we have always felt like treasures to our parents. My dad has said (even recently) that he's a rich man because he has been allowed to be our father. I bet you feel the same way about your DSS.

There's a poem my mom kept on her desk with pictures of all us kids. I'm not sure if I remember it completely, but it goes like this:

Not flesh of my flesh
nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.

Don't forget,
not for a minute
you weren't born under my heart
but in it.

Wibbler, I'm reading your thread from the start but Mrs W is right. Your wife should not be around your children without you. She is their worst enemy at the moment. She's an entitled WS.

Your responsibility is to be the adult here.

More later. Hang tough.

You are right,
The children need their MOTHER. Right now, she is not their MOTHER. She is a WAYWARD. They do not need a WAYWARD, in fact, she is dangerous to them in this current wayward state. I know you think she is a great mother and she most likely is a great mother. But she is not a mother at the moment. She is a wayward. I think you are getting the idea of this now.
Lake

No, I don't want to mislead anyone - I'm no saint. I don't feel that he's exactly the same as my biological children. But I do love him and I don't want him to be hurt by this. I've told him that I won't stop loving him or leave him or anything like that. I want my whole family back and he's part of that.

However, I don't have a very good relationship with him - we often don't have anything to talk about, for instance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This is one of my WW's complaints about me, so I'd like to try and improve on it.

Blended families are complicated and I hope to do a better job of it in future.

Wib,

Listen to the people here. A wayward is not a good parent and someone with a wayward mentality is not a good parent. She has made these decisions and will now reap the consequences of her entitled, selfish choices if you let her.

As much as possible keep your children protected from the wayward wife and mother and if the mother and wife shows herself then speak with her.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but I just don't believe this. I think you guys go too far sometimes - you speak as if these "waywards" are totally insane. She's being very selfish right now and she makes many totally absurd self-justifications, but she's not so selfish that she's an unfit mother. She wouldn't harm them or allow them to be harmed and even now she takes better care of them than me in some ways.

I'm going to keep them full-time for now, maybe I'll change my mind.

Wibbler... I am a dad that now has full custody. Let me tell you that Mr W is spot on. She is an unfit mother. YOu won't realize the kids are being hurt until it is too late.
My ex exposed my son to the OM ... that hurt him. ..
She acted in a way that was hurtful and reckless...even criminal in some ways... she left him with others when he was sick so she could be with her OM. She waited for my son to go to bed so that she could perfrom oral sex on her special "friend." Well, perhaps she should have taken it behind closed doors. Get the point!!!!!!!!!!!????

Any person, any mother or father that will act the way your wife is acting is a danger to the children...heck, she has already hurt them....wake up and pull your head out of the sand. This woman is not just a wayward... she is their mother... and right now, she is the mother that they need protection from.

Wib,

My ex WW can change a diaper, fix a meal, give a bath, brush hair, and apply medication better than me, I know this. I can do it adequately but she is better than me.

BUT, get this now!!! She is not better at instilling values, morals, principles, faith, standards for living. Not better at creating fair and structured discipline and consequences to bad behavior so that our child does not grow up entitled. Not better at insuring that he will have a bright and proseperous future, Not better at placing his needs before her own. Not better setting an example for him to live by.

My point is that, yea she may can do the mundane, every day things better than you, but your children will not be forever impacted by whether you fed them fishsticks and she fed them a 7 course meal. All those other things I mention above will follow them, define them for the rest of their lives. THIS IS what your WW is not good at and will never be good at until she stops being a wayward.

Oh wibbler I can't tell you how very wrong you are about thinking that I or any of the rest are exaggerating....Right now, you LOOK at your WW and she LOOKS the same to you...SHE IS NOT...She IS WAYWARD and I promise you that makes all the difference in the world...You just have no idea what she is capable of during this time and we are all trying desperately to give you the benefit of our horrible life experiences...I implore you to listen for the sake of your children...SHE IS ACTIVELY DESTROYING THE FAMILY OF YOUR CHILDREN, THAT ALONE MAKES HER UNFIT!!!

I gotta tell ya that right now you are giving me flashbacks to a poster named techie and unfortunately, that is NOT a compliment...I fear that your controlling nature is causing you to think that you know better than everyone else here and I pray that you wake up my friend...

Mrs. W

P.S. MEDC it was Mrs. W (not Mr.) that was "spot on"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> And thank you, btw...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your own posts have told us that your WW is lying, cheating and stealing...Does any of that fit your definition of a good mother?

Mrs. W

I'm still paying for her health insurance.

Wib

Read what I wrote. There is more to being a parent than "making sure they don't get hurt, fixing meals, cleaning the home, buying toys, etc.". The real life lessons and coaching/teaching, create life patterns for them to follow that make them good people, that is what your WW is not capable of at this time. And as uncapable (word?) as WW is imagine the crap that OM may teach them.

I would let her know that she needs to make other arrangements where this is concerned...You can't be afforded the privileges of married life while behaving like a swinging single...

Mrs. W