Then there is no justice.

To Weaver....

As to your question about whether we could keep him in prison for life... He is scheduled to be released in the year 2011. After that time, if he re-offends, he will be in prison for life. I guess he gets one more chance to live in society before that happens. I pray he has no other victims~~~EVER EVER EVER!!! I pray this for the sake of the children and for the sake of his own soul.

lamby

Even 15 is too young to have contact with somebody like this.

Talk to a pastor. Talk to a counselor. I don't think you'll find anyone alive who will encourage you to stay in any sort of contact with this man. The only possible exceptions being people who are looking to excuse their own relationships with predators.

There's a special place in he** for people who molest children.

He can only get to you emotionally if you allow him to. If you cease ALL contact, IMMEDIATELY, he can't do that. Don't give away your power. It's your choice to make, not his.

I'd file for divorce immediately - and if it makes you feel better, seek to have the marriage annulled through the Church if you wish. This definitely falls under circumstances that the Church will grant an annulment - usually without much delay. The court record speaks for itself.

Get away from him, get healthy and get your kids healthy. That's the Godliest path you can take.

You and your kids are in my prayers.

JinGA

Thank you for your words of compassion. I have been struggling with this break-up for about a year now. It is comforting to hear someone else say that I never had a marriage. I have felt that way for some time now. I told JW that divorce would just be putting the period at the end of a sentence. It is not my choice. It simply is how it has to be. It was not my choice for him to do what he did, either. All I ever wanted was a happy, secure marriage in which I could successfully raise my children. This did not happen. Divorce is the only recourse I have. Thank God I will not be forced to share my children with him.

lamby

Unfortunately you never had a chance. It's not your fault.

Take care of your daughter. She is scared for life. She really needs you.

No it is not your fault lamby, and it is not your choice. You have absolutely no choice but to divorce now either, but you know what? I don't think you will ever regret it.

I hope you can find a really good councelor for you and for your daughter.

Or your grandchildren.

You would never be able to relax and enjoy your *family* again if you attempted to continue with this relationship. You would find yourself forever trying to be your husband's gatekeeper with the resulting crashing guilt when he managed to slip through. Prayers for you and the children.

I would think under these conditions, you could even go as far as petitioning the court to terminate his parental rights.

Lamby,

I am so sorry for your sitch.

There is no "Fixing" this H / XH. All you can do at this point is the LIMIT THE DAMAGE he has done / Will do.

I have bumped up my thread on the Emotional Needs board. It is titled: "A question for all my MB friends". You may benefit from reading it.

If you have any questions / comments I will be happy to discuss it with you.

BOTH of my SIL's were married to Sadistic, serial pedofiles that abused their OWN children.

Stay Strong!

To WTF...

I can see why you wanted me to read your post on emotional needs. Your past with your BIL was a very volitile and rocky situation. I feel deeply for all those involved. However, it does not apply in my situation. JW has had no other "sins" against the family. He is remorseful of his past actions, although he does not yet fully understand the harm he has done to the girls involved. It is like he knows in his mind that this was a wrong and hurtful act but he doesn't comprehend why it is so hurtful. Afterall... the girls were having fun at the time. This misunderstanding is what makes him dangerous to himself and to others. This is why he will NEVER be allowed in our home again after his release date. I have been told by psychologists in the field (yes, more than one) that this is a habit that JW can overcome. It is not the once a molester-always-a molester fate that the general population believes it to be. I have even had lawyers tell me that the recidivism rate (the rate at which a criminal repeats a crime and is re-incarcerated for the same crime) for sexual offenders of this nature is only 1%. That is practically non-existant. My question, once again, becomes... should I wait for this change to come about in him? Wouldn't it be better for my family as a whole to overcome this problem and come out healthy in the end? Yes, I would like my adult daughters to sit across the thanksgiving table with us, forgiving each other, and moving on in a loving and healthy manner... with everyone's interests protected. Isn't there anyone on this website that understands this point of view?

lamby

"He is remorseful of his past actions, although he does not yet fully understand the harm he has done to the girls involved. It is like he knows in his mind that this was a wrong and hurtful act but he doesn't comprehend why it is so hurtful. Afterall... the girls were having fun at the time. "

Sorry, but this is why I think he is a pedophile. These types of people don't realize that an adult touching a child is inappropriate. They think the child enjoys it.

My SIL took her pedophile husband back into the home, and he continued to have sex with her daughter from the time she was 8 until she was 22. And according to him, SHE was "having fun".

Then he touched the grandkids too.

I think you need to divorce him. If he gets some long term counseling, maybe you can date again, but I would keep him away from temptation (any children).

Thank you for your post, believer, but the difference I see here is the reaction of the mother. I am not like your SIL. I WILL NOT allow JW to move back into the home. That chance is simply not there. The interesting thing that comes to my mind, though, is the idea of grandchildren. I am so sorry for the path that your SIL took and the affect it has had on her family. I am doing my level best to stop the cycle of abuse. My demand is that no more will take place EVER!!! However, I will seriously take into consideration what you have said. Divorce may be the right path for me to take. Afterall, as I have said in previous posts, my children will need a male role model in their lives. Someone who can be a father figure to them. I will need someone who can truely be a husband to me. JW can not fill either of those roles in our lives. And, yes... of course... I will keep JW away from any temptation, as long as I have breath in my body.

lamby

My SIL was all messed up, and her husband was always remorseful. And he was a wonderful (oh, except for the sexual abuse) father and friend to the kids. It is so strange, because I would never have suspected unless I was told.

But it ruined her life, because she could never have a truly loving relationship. It ruined the kids lives because they weren't protected. You can see there was some sick things going on - the daughter contined with the father until she was 22.

We all understand it. We see it every day. It's called "denial".

"I would like my adult daughters to sit across the thanksgiving table with us, forgiving each other, and moving on in a loving and healthy manner... with everyone's interests protected. Isn't there anyone on this website that understands this point of view?"

I understand it.

Be realistic: this child / these children might not forgive this man for molesting them and you have no right to demand that they do. You shouldn't even expect it.

By keeping this man in your life you create a future where you will at times have to choose between your children, victims of a terrible crime, and your husband, the perpetrator. When those situations arise, how will you choose? Imagine the future. Your husband is out of prison. Your daughter is participating in an event. She wants you there, she does not want your husband there. Your husband does not want you to attend without him.

Who will you choose?

Right now you're choosing him, sounds like.

Your love for your daughter should not be conditioned on a demand that she forgive this perpetrator.

GC

I completely understand what you are saying!! (Finally someone who's been there) This is the closest situation that I have seen to my own. It is like being able to see into the future. I know... people are different. Patterns of abuse, however, are not. Also, JW has actually asked me "What about grandchildren"... as though he is already thinking about that possibility. If one were to take him at his word, there would be no problem. I told him at the time, that if he truely loved his children, he would politely excuse himself from the home and stay in a hotel while his family was visiting so that they would understand that they would be safe from him. He does not see it that way. That is how I know he has not recovered from this demon. I'm not sure he ever will. For the sake of all children around him, I hope that he will. If he doesn't, then I hope he gets caught because the next time it will be life-inprisonment.

Lord, God...
Watch over these little ones. Protect them from such as JW. Help those of us who have been hurt by them, that we may stand strong against them.
In Christ's name,
amen.

lamby

I would do some serious counseling if I were you. This is a very difficult thing to deal with. My SIL, who I LOVE, is a wonderful mother, except that she chose her husband over her kids. And he promised her it would never happen again. But it DID.

Counseling will help you sort this out. My BIL seemed to be a loving father. He took care of the family financially, and taught the boys how to work on cars, spent all his time with the kids, and seemed to care about them. But underneath it all (unseen by EVERYONE) lurked this sickness.

I went to H.S. with a girl who's father was arrested for 3 generation molestation 10 years after H.S. graduation.

The reality is that you can NEVER consider your happy thanksgiving dream as a possibility.

My friend's father hurt his sisters, his own babies - grandbabies - no girl was safe - my friend even brought home her friends as targets - including me. Her dad, however, knew full well I wasn't a safe target for him, because I was old enough to drive (in college - he was a chiropractor and I had hurt my back beyond tolerance - she offered her dad's "help") and I moved his hands away and left - and he knew I had the backbone to talk if he pressed it further.

Frankly, I'm too close to this to be "kind" in my responses from here on out if you continue to excuse him - you didn't start out your first post that way - now that people are being tough on him, you're defending him. JUST STOP IT!!!!

PLEASE!

Another "too close" encounter...

I went to college with a really "great" guy - in a performing group with him. He was someone I would have trusted my own son with for dance lessons had I still lived in the area and son had any interest in clogging, tap or jazz...

10 years ago he was arrested and charged with over 60 counts of sexual abuse - over 60 boys for 20 years this jerk had been harming - damaging for LIFE.

Do you have any idea how many people went to court to testify about what a "great guy" he was and how he couldn't have done this - and 62 boys and young men have to endure his endless pitiful laments of how he didn't deserve prison... The evidence was overwhelming. Victims who didn't know each other, didn't hear each other testify, describe the same M.O.

J betrayed many people - even though he never directly harmed my family - I felt betrayed because I would have trusted him, had he not been caught.

No excuses. No rationalizations. Not for your daughter's perp. Please don't you violate them too by not taking a hard stance on this.

You should build a firewall between this man and your daughter. Staying married to him is not an option if you're serious about protecting your child.