SL thank you so much. That really meant a lot to me. I know that came from your heart because you have a second chance with your dear H and you are giving it your all. I promise for my sake, my H and my children sake I will start to act on faith instead of fear.

I realize now that I was being irrass-tional and I am truly sorry. I will stop running from the one person who I know loves me. He has proven this to me time and time again. I just have to work on positive self talking and not letting my fear run my life.

Cool!!!

Face the fears, talk them out to yourself. It works, you will find that many have very little basis in REALITY, or so little that it is silly to worry over them. Some fears are real, and must be dealt with, but you HAVE to deal with them.

Clean slate this, let your H know that you are working on your fears, working on yourself, and then don't talk about it again. SHOW him.

DIG:

In your sitch, MB should be making your M stronger, not making it something that your H fears.

That's where you need to start workign on yourself, and the fears. You seem to be realizing it.

Your H maybe should be here. Learning as well.

Wish I had found it after ten years of M. Would have prevented many mistakes from happening.

((DIG))

LG

DIG, rather than asking him to be patient with you, I would stop doing the things to him that require patience. You don't have a long way to go. You can stop doing this stuff to him NOW. You are not a slave to your insecurities, and acting on them only damages your marriage and pushes your H away.

I hope you heed that advice, because what you are doing is setting the stage for a marriage that will be vulnerable to adultery with this lovebusting. Do you realize that? You are weakening your marriage with your unfounded fears.

Here is how I see this recent altercation with him. Instead of focusing on the good things he does, you manufactured some hypotheticals [he only went to the 4th party because the hostess was pretty - the proof of this, I guess, was his refusal to go to a kids party] and punished him for it. Put simply, instead of praising him for WHAT IS, you punished him for WHAT IF. A very destructive and unloving act.

I think that you did act out on your insecurities, but I also see that you FEED these insecurities by pushing him away. You push him away by punishing him and then you feel insecure because he feels detached. It is a self perpetuating circle. You worry that he will see someone he likes better, because you know, deep down, you are mistreating him.

He sounds like a great guy, DIG, and I hope you can accept that and start showing him some appreciation. I think if you do that, he will respond in kind, which will alleviate your insecurities.

Of course I agree with LG, SL and Meg.

But Dig,

How come you have not responded back to ME?

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I have to agree with all of you. MB is making our M stronger. It is make me stronger because I was finally able to do the self examination I needed in order to see what my fears were so I can stop acting irrass-tionally toward my DH. I do know that my fear have no real basis. My H is nothing like my Ex. I am very lucky to have him.

Mel you are right 100% I didn't realize my own insecurites were causing me to push him away. I was doing it unconsciencely. I thought what I was feeling was justified. I am glad you all helped me see my error.

Mimi I am sorry I thought I answered you. I didn't mean to leave you out. I have to thank you most of all because you are really helping me see that the things that I saw as my H nagging me as an endearment instead of an LB. I know he worries over us so much because he cares whereas before I thought he thought I was incompetent. Now when he does I think it's very sweet.

Quote:
Mr M: Or you could be fighting a war that won't ever happen.





How Sweet! He's telling you to TRUST HIM.

Like when you said this. It really hit home. As far as me coming here I don't think he doesn't like it. I think he thought this was why I was acting insecure. When I told him about what you all were saying on this thread he stopped seeing it as a threat. I think as far as my being so untrusting of the opposite sex it is because the man I felt like I should be able to trust more than any other man (my dad) mistreated me so much which is why I fell for my ex. He reminded me a lot of my dad. So I realize now it goes back further than I thought before.

I know my DH would get mad because he would tell me something and I wouldn't listen to him but if someone else told me the same thing then I would believe it. I want him to know it's not because of him or anything he did. I know he is a very intelligent man it's one of the things I love most about him. I think I do this because of the R I had with my dad.

Now that I know what the problems are I can work on fixing them. MB helped me be able to do this. Now I have to do the hard part. Work on giving my fears to God. He helped me make it this far and I know he didn't did this to just let me fall by the waist side. If I made it through all the terrible things I have experienced I should be thankful and take it as a learning experience instead of letting it hinder me.

Also since I have apologize to my sweetie we have almost been inseparable.

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Thanks!!

DIG, I’m glad the good people on here could help you see and realize the destructiveness of your reactions and that you actually pushed your H away and worsen your own insecurities that way! I understand where your insecurities are coming from, but as you can see now, acting out on those insecurities in this destructive/negative way is not good for you, your H or your M.

I do have some understanding for you DIG. I unconsciously and instinctively behaved in similar ways towards my H until a while ago. Many times I would act defensive and insecure towards my H and would then make my own negative/wrong conclusions and disrespectful judgments about him or things he would say to me. Because of that, my H became passive aggressive and "conflict avoiding" towards me. I wasn’t aware of the level of my defensiveness (also towards other people) until another poster pointed it out to me a while ago on my thread on the In Recovery board. Hubby and I now both working on these issues and I especially make very conscious efforts to NOT think/behave that way towards him at all. The moment I catch myself start behaving/thinking that way, I stop and remind myself immediately. Since I’ve started to do that, I’ve noticed very positive changes from my H as well.

A month ago hubby and I also started attending a “Marriage Enrichment” course at a local church (once a week for a period of 16 weeks) and we find it very helpful and indeed “enriching”! Every week after each session we need to work through some stuff privately as well. We really try to make the most out of this course. I wish me and hubby were able to attend Dr Harley’s MB weekend seminars too, but unfortunately we live on the other side of the world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, maybe you and your H can also attend such a course or seminar?

^Bump for DIG^

DIG, you are very quiet...are you okay?

How is it going with you and hubby now?