All right. Well, I'm new and so I am still reading a lot of the articles on here, but please lend me some insight.

I'm 27 years old and I have two children (one almost two and one 8).. I am also 8 months pregnant right now. I am in nursing school which you can imagine eats a lot of my time. I have also found out I have a condition that made me completely deaf in one ear and it is very hard for me to deal with. I am constantly stressed.

My WS and I got married when we were young (19) and I thought we were trying to make things work rather well. We had problems like everyone else. The problem with us is that money became such a stressor we began to argue all the time about it and not really talk about much else. So, in January he told me he had a one night stand with a girl. I was very upset, but wanted to save my marriage, so we made a commitment to work on things. I tried my hardest to provide basically what plan A is, but I guess is was not enough... or..

I knew something fishy was going on about 2-3 months ago. I was really stressed out and very busy all the time, but it was still nagging at me. His father would go out at night to the bar by his house sometimes and invite my WS along. That was fine with me since I knew his father was dealing with the grief of losing his wife. However, then WS would stay out all night and forget to call me to tell him where he was. Then his father would not know where he was. He would make all kinds of excuses why he was out so late and I was wracked with worry. His oldest daughter started getting depressed, too, because her father was never home.

I found a girl's number on his phone. I confronted him about it and said it was only a friend, which I let go because it was only one call recorded. Then I checked his e-mail because I was expecting something there myself and there was one from her saying that she enjoyed spending the night with him and couldn't wait to do it again. I confronted him on that, too, and he said that I misconstrued it - that it was one of those days he stayed until the bars closed. Of course I didn't believe him. So, then on I tried my best to probe around seeing what I could find. She was texting him and calling him all day, every day (which gave us a horrendous phone bill). I asked around and NO one would tell me what was going on.

Finally, someone told me. No one wanted to hurt me, they said. But I knew, so it did not help any. I confronted him and he admitted to it. He gave me the normal cheating spouse dialogue and of course I fell prey to it, feeling like everything was my fault. He told me he was leaving, but not to see her (blah blah blah), but to think things over and make a decision.

The last week has been ******. Yes, he did move out into a hotel. I found out the OW is paying for it and everything else, it seems. She's a trauma nurse at the hospital I am actually doing clinicals at right now and she's divorced, so she has a lot of extra money. I asked him if she knew about me. He said not at first, but then she knew I was married. I went and found her e-mail address thinking at least she should know everything, but he got to her beforehand because he knew I would tell and let her know I was pregnant.

His excuse for not telling me is that he didn't want to hurt me and stress me out and he was going to wait to tell me after the baby was born or when I was out of school (which would be May of next year). Now that I do know, I can barely even focus for school or anything else for that matter. He told me yesterday morning he was going to move in with her because he couldn't afford the hotel (this was before I found out she was paying for it and you know who told me that? My daughter.) He told me last night he has a room for my daughter over at the other woman's house, so if she wanted to come over, she would have a place of her own. My husband keeps bribing the heck out of my eldest daughter and there's not much I can do. She's convinced that she is going to have to choose who to stay with.

This story is getting out of order, though. My WS said that once he moved out he had a right to spend time with the kids no matter where he was. So, this would involve them meeting the OW. Over my dead body. I conceded saying they could meet her if I met her, too. So, we met up at a restaurant I later learned they go to all the time. She's.. I don't get what the big deal is. She's older and not pretty. Her and I talked and she said she was sorry for hurting me (which obviously she isn't) and that WS only said good things about me (yeah right) and that she would never say anything to the kids to think negative of me if they stayed together. I was like !#%!!@$!#! I promised to be nice, though. I told her I didn't think what she was doing was appropriate and that I would actually like my marriage to work. (Maybe I should have beat her up though, geeze)

My daughter overheard him say to the OW that he loved her. She is so angry, but so confused, and I don't know what to tell her. How can he love the OW already? I know he's only known her for a few months. I have a bad feeling he is with her because she throws the money around and he can go have his freedom with no consequences. Eventually that has to end. Then what? I feel like he's done this when I'm the most vulnerable and can not do anything.

I read your story and so wish I had something great to say. Wish I had some words that would help you or give you some direction.

I hope you find that within yourself, the direction you need. I know how you feel about school though, my H's 1st A came to light while I had only 2 classes left. I went from a 4.0 to a 3.8, failing one classand having to repeat it. It all sucks, it's all a really crummy place to be and one noone wishes or dreams of being.

You have to figure out whats right for you in the end. Don't let him keep beating you up that way.

I really hope someone here offers something great for you and provides the direction that fits for you. Just know that you are not alone by any means.

hugs, theaftermath

I am sorry you are going through this. I am working in the Middle East and my wife was having OM live in our house. A lot of things have turned around (feel free to read my thread on how things have progressed...GHA's Thread). It will get better, but you need to focus on making YOU better. I can't say if your husband will come back or not, only God knows that, but concentrate on your children...And DON'T be around the other woman. That shows weakness and shows that you are OK with the A even if you aren't...She is your enemy and you don't need to stoop to your husbands level.

Of course, as expected everything has turned into a bigger mess. Exposure is the key and it looks like throughout all this I had people helping me expose him. However, I knew something was up when he mentioned to me it would be good for *me* not to stir up trouble for the OW at work since she's worked there for a long time and is in management. I'm a lowly student. Whatever. Hey, she did something wrong, and it's darn skippy I'm going to say something. To everyone!

My WS watches my children when I'm at school. He had the audacity to tell me the OW was going to watch my kids for a little while that night. I found someone else to watch them. I told him I didn't want the kids around her. He says its inevitable. I contacted a lawyer about it. He's moving in with her on Saturday and is expecting to bring my eldest daughter there Saturday night. Of course he and her are going to set her up her own room and buy her whatever she wants which I can't even compete with. Isn't there something I can do? I don't want her there. It's like take a marriage minus the wife and add someone else even if they say its not like that. I don't trust her and I especially don't trust him.

My biggest fear is he is trying to validate the okayness of this all by saying he is going to pay my bills until I'm out of school. Then he'll spend time with the kids as much as he can and then there's no way he can be accused of abandonment.

Now I made some mistakes along the line. I explained to him I understand that he wants to be happy and all I ever wanted for him was to be happy and I begged that I wish it could be me. I've cried a lot, been vulnerable, and I know I can't be like that. I blame a lot of this on my hormones. He's left me in a pretty bad place in life. And yes, I met her and perhaps that did validate the affair was okay because they are sure acting like it is.

On a good note, though, I went to my ob appointment and let my doctor know what was going on. She prescribed me some anti-depressants and is getting all tests for STDs run again. God forbid if they gave me any gifts. What scares me is that the hearing problem I had is called vestibular neuritis. It's where the nerve is destroyed either by a tumor sitting on it (my mri came back normal) or by, get this, the Herpes virus. Now, wonder where I got that from..I also filled out hospital registration and realized how much it hurt to continue to fill in the married spot. I have a bad feeling delivery day is going to be awful.

He changed his e-mail address, telling me that he didn't want me to intercept any mail he got from the OW and freak out about. That makes me nervous. I mean, how much is she orchestrating?

I'm trying to do plan A, but it is very hard when he will not listen to me about the children's welfare. Just wait until he sees the medicine is working and I can think clearly. I am going to tell him all about how he's destroying his daughter's life. She's constantly stressed, always has a stomach ache, and just doesn't know what to do! They bribe her to come over and spend the night with the OW's 15 year old daughter (mine's 8). I asked him what kind of trauma he wanted to put my DD in. He's like, "Oh she'll be fine". Makes me want to run over his feet with my car. :P
Suggestions please?

First thing's first, PROTECT YOURSELF!!! PROTECT YOUR KIDS!!! They come first....You need to tell him that it is over your dead body that your kids will be around OW. You unfortunately are allowing him to cake-eat...If he wants to see the kids, he can come to the house ALONE...I would try to start talking to a lawyer, JIC....

Expose to her family and work. Let them know she is a homewrecker. Let them know the WS is out of control and threatening (yes threatening) to put your children under the care of a homewrecker. Make sure you paint the picture correctly.

She is an OW, no matter what she says, she is an OW. She knows what she is doing and she is WRONG. Her job is to give care yet she is an abuser and dangerous to those in need (i.e. children, etc.). All the more reason to expose.

Make sure your financals are set so you can handle if he bails on support. Check out support laws in your state and you may have to file for separation to be able to garnish his wages.

If you can, do a full background check on the OW. Another BS exposed to OW's parents and OW's father identified his own daughter as an OW at least 2 times. See support can come from the most unusual sources.

I know you are pregnant so take care and find a close support group or person to help you through this time.

What doesn't make sense is if $$ is tight, how can having an A help? Stupid WS'. It's not about the $$, it's about him being selfish.

Right now as a WS, he is a danger to you and your children. Be safe.

What kind of danger? That can vary. Still be on guard and balanced. Learn to recognize when your H is talking vs the WS vs the WS pretending t/b your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

How about we get you in a position to begin to reclaim some control in your life and what is happening to you. So far, most of your response has come from the “sidelines” but there are a number of actions that you can consider that might make your travels just a bit easier. Something perhaps to give you hope that there is justice in the world.



I suggest that you contact the hospital Human Resources Department. Schedule a meeting, (face to face, no telephone) and expose what has been going on. Be sure to inform them that your husband and the Other Woman have threatened your position at the hospital. No lies, no tall tails, just the straight on “up and up”. You may consider making a copy of your posts as I think they may help to legitimize your claims. No HR Department worth its salt will ignore your story. Let’s see how much money she really has.

It is important that you secure an income for your children and to do that you will need the help of an attorney. You say you have already contacted an attorney but what is he doing so far? A good attorney will help you to put boundaries in place that will preserve an income stream for the children and help to protect them from your husband’s affair activities.

Next, you need to carefully consider what you really want from your marriage. Sure, it is in a bad place but that does not mean that it is not worth saving. Do you want your husband back? Do you still have love for him? If the answer is yes, then you may find yourself in what is referred to as “Plan B”. It is where you effectively cut ALL direct contact off between your husband and you. He is allowed to return home if and only if he ends the affair with the other woman, writes her a “no contact” letter and agrees to never again see her for the rest of his life. These are the conditions that YOU set. At this point his actions are destroying the love that you may still have for him. If allowed to continue you most likely will fall out of love with him thus ending the marriage. Plan “B” is a compassionate response to preserve an already damaged marriage. Please read and learn all about it in case it becomes a viable option for you.

Mr. G

Mr. Goodstuff is absolutely correct. Do Not let your WS talk you into not exposing the A to her workplace. It is one of your best weapons. Learn from the mistakes of others. This is war and you have to use all of your resources.

I think I will go down to the hospital and talk to HR tomorrow when I have to go up there.

Problem is, me and my big mouth.
Basically he called this morning telling me his paycheck was in the bank (so I can go grocery shopping and what not). I let him know under no circumstances was I going to let my eldest daughter stay over there Saturday night. Then I proceeded to tell him I thought what he was doing was wrong.

I told him that I was in contact with an attorney (I haven't heard anything HELPFUL from the attorney yet, which of course I appreciate your help even moreso because of). He's like, 'Oh and how much did that cost you? Is my dad paying for it?' He suggested I move in with his Dad and I was like, "Okay, that'll show you really abandoned me! I mean after all if you don't have to pay my bills"..

He told me I was the one being selfish and if I wanted to get nasty about it he'll have the papers for me in three days. Since I 'already put him 27 grand in debt anyway'. He'll tell the judge I'm abusive and I'll lose the kids forever. See, there was an incident when I was stressed and I hit my daughter. I'm not going to make excuses for what happened. I admitted that I did it and I will to the judge if I have to. I am a fit mother, though. I am working through my stress and depression and would never hurt my children, ever ever ever. But on any account, he has no PROOF of anything happening. He wants me to feel guilty. He says he will ruin my career and make sure I never have my license. I wonder how much OW is telling him, hm?

My daughter woke up and heard me talk to him. That made me feel so badly. I don't want her caught up in this. And yes..Mr Goodstuff, I love him and I want our marriage to work. I told him the same thing, but he, of course, said that this is not the way to win him back which I replied with I'm trying to save my family. He retorted with how I never cared before and I am being selfish now. "No, I'm not being selfish, you're the one who abandoned your family" "I didn't abandon my family, just you! You are trying to make me sound like the bad guy". Grr, so textbook!

For background checks and the like, I imagine that costs money, right? I am not working at all right now, since I'm in school fulltime.. Can someone explain to me how I need to do this legal part of it before the attorney gets back to me?

I wish I could remember all the was said.

Expose, expose, expose.... Read about it!

Secondly, get a good attorney and if your WH continues to insist that OW be "brought into the family" by seeing the children get your attorney to immediately go for a temporary hearing (emergency) to outline custody, visitation and no exposure to OW. Also can outline financial responsibilities of WH at that time. If your attorney is not doing anything for you get another one ASAP.

Plan A in the midst of this and keep repeating that you want to recover your M and that your attorney was hired to make sure your interests and the interests of the children were vigorously seen about.

Gwyn, please do what Mr. Goodstuff recommended and expose the affair pronto. Be very professional and send an email to the director of Human Resources with a cc to the OW and your H's boss, telling about the affair. Mention how the imbalance of power in this relationship could leave the hospital vulnerable to sexual harassment actions. Then ask them what they intend on doing about it. Simply tell them about the affair and how is wrecking your family.

Contact an attorney to protect your finances and your children and do not allow him to expose the children to his sleazy affair. And whatever you do, don"t move out of your home.

And more importantly, stop giving away your game plan to the enemy! Sorry you are here, Gwyn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gwyn, you've got the law on your side. Not only is your WH abandoning the marriage, he's abandoning you while your pregnant. Get to an attorney ASAP and get some temporary orders in place (i.e., child support, medical bills, etc.) Don't trust your WH to pay. Also ask the court for your attorneys fees (meaning, asking the Judge to make WH pay for them).

Definitely go to HR. OW is abusing her position to threaten you in the worse way. As a paralegal working in insurance defense litigation, I can tell you that the hospital will nip that in the bud quickly and may even offer you some kind of settlement not to pursue it.

Get moving girl. You're fighting for your family. Expose, expose, expose. WH and OW are causing great harm to your little girl.

((Gwyn))

Just know, Gwyn, that you are under attack but you have a POWERFUL WEAPON in your hands. Please USE IT.

That's the hardest part. I just can't lie to him, thus the not talking to him at all thing would be great. Basically he stated to me that until there's some sort of hearing or whatever in front of the judge I can't accuse him of kidnapping if he takes the kids over there. Oh and that he is going to take her with him after work today. I am going to go to my father in law's house this afternoon and hopefully he can talk him out of it.. other than that I don't know.

He asked me if I was moving out and I said no, basically my older daughter has been through enough and doesn't need to move. I told him about her stress and he said it is because I fill her head full of things to say and think. Then he made sure he called back on the walkie talkie part of the phone and said, "T, I love you and I'm sorry if your mom never lets me see you again". He thinks I'm out for revenge, but I swear I'm not. This makes me so angry. It's fine if he sees her, just not the OW. He says the same old crap about her being part of his life and he wasn't going to keep that from seeing his kids and that he wasn't going to come over to my house to be with his daughters.

About the attorney. I swear I don't know anything about law at all. The attorney I contacted yesterday has not called me back yet, so I may look for another just in case. I have no income.. someone told me to contact the Department of Children and Families (actually his dad did), but I can't find any number on their website that has to do with the marriage/divorce issue, just child support and we aren't that far yet. Of course that place has lovely auto-reply service.

I guess I'll need to look up who the Director and her boss is because I have no idea. Thought it would be easier to go to HR in person. On the account of WS's boss - there's only 3 of them at the business he works at and I imagine he knows already and if I did forward an email, WS would get it.

I told him yet again that I wanted to save the marriage, not take the kids away from him (which he keeps saying). He's like, it's not going to happen. I said that he may feel that way now and I understand that, but I still want to keep my family in one piece. He said if I wanted any chance of that happening, I need to not keep the kids away from him. How cute.

I want to do plan A and I do plan A minus the kid part. I just feel like he is trying to manipulate me. He told me OW was a 'good member of society'. Oh, god, I laughed so hard. I told him upstanding members of society don't homewreck!

Gywn...you are getting great advice here. I am sorry you are going through this pain and I also advise you to follow Mr GS plan. This needs exposure.

Gwyn, you don't need to lie to him, you NEED TO STOP TELLING HIM YOUR PLANS. Your job is to save your marriage from assault and you can't do that if you tell him your battle plan. SO STOP. Stop telling him your plans and just DO IT. Forewarned is foreARMED. You have to be STRATEGIC rather than reactionary to make this work.


Just tell him no. Get ahold of an attorney today and get yourself and the kids protected.


Get an attorney NOW as we suggested, Gwyn. He can ensure that your H continues to support you.


It will be harder for them to ignore you if you send a professional, reasonable sounding email to the Dir of HR, ccing their bosses at the hospital. If you want to write the letter and post it we can give you feedback on the wording.


That would be GOOD.


Just let him know that you want him to stay involved with the children, but you won't allow them to be exposed to his affair. How old are your children?

Removed.

I would wonder what this is about. How and where did you strike your child?

hmmmmm

IMO, most people that just spank their child do not feel the need to bring it up... so it sends up a flag to me that both the poster and her H seem to view this as a more serious incident. Perhaps it is nothing...perhaps not.

Contact the department of child and family as you suggested. But IF you hurt your child, it will come out and they may have no choice but to take action. Realize that going in... and do not compound the incident by lying about it (since you said he had no PROOF). Be upfront and if you are having a problem, confront it and deal with it...your child needs your stability right now.