Great letter, lake! I say run with it!

Medc,
I hear what you are saying about an employer not being able to express that type of concern officially. But on the other hand, I think that a BS can make that request <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I would suggest, let the company make that decision but let the BS put that request to them.

Thank you for the prompt feedback on the draft.

I think it is worth a shot...it's just my opinion that including a request like that is more likely to result in them saying they are not going to get involved. Just my thought.

Thanks guys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm going to go down to HR while I'm there and get the Director's of HR's card and also see if I can figure out where exactly miss OW works and who her direct boss is, if I can. WS had changed his story on her being a nurse manager or a trauma nurse so many times I have no idea if she's really in management or not or if he was trying to use that as a scare tactic.

When I get back from getting all my patient information I'll come and type that lovely letter up. I think WS's boss' business card is around the house, too. Kids have been chaotic, so everything is taking longer than it needs to.

My grandmother in law is going to watch the kids today while I do this and said she also would tomorrow and Sunday if need be. If WS gets p'od.. well bleh. He came to my father in law's house last night giving him the same stuff that he told me about leaving forever. Crazy alien brain.

Actually if she is in management HR can demand that she stop this relationship or be terminated. They leave themselves open to a harassment (not necessarily sexual harassment) lawsuit if they KNOW that this is going on (threats being made about her job/future job) and do nothing to stop it.

no, they can't. the woman did not make a threat...her H made the threat...so, unless she admits to it....which she isn't going to do, she is isolated. More likely than not the woman never made the threat...it was most likely her H's brainchild. Any lawyer would have a field day with a wrongful termination suit based on the information at hand.
It's not to say she shouldn't try it... I just wouldn't expect that level of help from HR.

I have seen HR departments/businesses act in any number of ways regarding at work affairs since I have been more in tune with this "stuff". In my case they told ex WW that they were more concerned for her safety and their investigation consisted of asking the affair partners if they were having an affair (want to guess the answer to that one). Basically not only did nothing but went as far as to circle the wagons and enable, condone, and be complicit (I bet they wished they hadn't now as a court date is looming with them on negligent retention/hiring among other things). I have seen some companies take a hands off approach, some transfer one of the affair partners out, and a rare few fire one or the other within a short period of time.

I agree with MEDC in that you likely will not get the entire response from HR you hope for but it certainly will not help the affair partners and their little fantasy to have been exposed at work and to know that management is watching their every move and interaction.

Gywn....does your H work there as well???? That would certainly change the equation....if I missed that I am sorry and I would say go full force with a face to face (written back up) with HR.
If just you and the OW work there, I would say my advice as given is accurate.

Maybe I was the one that missed it MEDC, perhaps her husband doesn't work with the OW? What's the answer Gwyn?

Back to business.

I too, like Lake’s suggested letter to HR. On a psychological level I might suggest that you offer to meet with them personally if they desire more information. Seeing a pregnant woman whose husband and one of their employees are conspiring against will help rally them to your cause. They might feel motivated to help you for purely benevolent reasons. You are the “good guy” who only desires her husband back into the marriage. It is hard to not feel empathy for your position; they will find it difficult too.

With a suggested edit or two to Lakes wonderful letter:



Your husband made a huge error in judgment with his thinly veiled threat. The hospital will be forced to take action. As some of the others have implied, that action may turn out to be woefully inadequate for your perception. Regardless, your letter will but pressure on the affair. The fairy tail is eroding. You are helping the ugliness of the affair to surface and that is an affair’s worst enemy.

For the record, the hospital can fire the OW at their sole discretion for any reason whatsoever; so long as that reason does not violate the laws of discrimination as in this instance it clearly does not. Is the OW a member of an organized union that might defend her employment? Will they fire her? No way to really tell. She may be a bad apple as an employee and your letter may do the trick or they may simply not like the shoes she wears. They can fire her for a reason so simple as “I don’t like her.” The applicable law is called, “At will employment”. It provides that employee or employer can be become a “free agent” at any time without notice or conditions.

Mr. G

This is exactly what I was trying to say. This is great language to include and should push some buttons.

MEDC, I've worked in the legal field for nearly 20 years. I've personally seen harassment suits settled with grounds less than this. But Mr. G is correct, there's a lot of "it depends" in play with every case and company.

Well, that did not go so well. The hospital I'm doing clinicals at is a long drive away so I was being my own little personal cheerleader on my way there getting ready to go up to HR and do something about this.

I pull into the parking lot looking for a space and out pulls OW waving and smiling at me. I pretended not to see her, but that didn't help the way I was feeling. I go to my floor to get my patient information and then go over to the building where HR is. When I get there I, in a low voice, tell them my situation. They said that would be with Employee Relations and so they call over to wherever that is and no one is there. Of course, it's Friday.. they probably went home already. The man at the desk gives me a card with a woman's name on it and lets me know that's who I need to talk to. As far as email addresses or anything like that, I left empty handed. Should have known it was because of HIPAA. I waited for a little bit thinking the woman might be at lunch and had to end up leaving a message. That's how it seems to be going lately.

I called WS up to see why he did not call this morning to see if I was bringing the kids (He always does when I do this thing). He said he was very busy and was that all I wanted? I said, "I saw your girlfriend up at work".. He already knew of course. I'm sure her little hands dialed him as soon as she saw me. I said something derogatory about her but in jest and said I am not going to do anything stupid and I hope she doesn't either. He then said, "On that note, I have to let you go" and hung up.

I am terrified about tomorrow. This is what a lot of this is about. I refuse to let my girls stay with him and the OW, but I'm afraid at 5:30 tomorrow morning when I have to go that he's going to show up at the house coming to pick them up.

Answers to questions:
mkeverydaycnt - No he doesn't work with her. They met at a bar. Although WS was the one who told me not to say anything - he let me know she said it. Although I don't know if that changes anything.
Mr Goodstuff - I don't know either what they would do. For that matter, I am not even quite sure what her position is exactly - management or not and HR of course can't tell me.
On Monday I will see what I can do about going to see a psychologist. I think with my insurance, I may have to be referred by my OB. I know I had to be when my ear issue came up. Isn't that odd? Oh and I fixed my post. You're right. Thanks.

I'm on the phone with Human Resources now waiting on hold because she wanted to see if she can even help me since I am a student and not an employee. Oy, and now yet another person is going to call me back. Eventually I'll get to who I need to talk to!

Hmmm...well. Why not take the kids on a weekend out of town? Go to a zoo in another city or something, so that you don't have to let WS take them to see OW?

Load up the car, shut off the cell phone, and boogie for the weekend, and HAVE FUN with them?

Then deal with things when you come back on Monday? Plan on following up with your lawyer first thing on Monday?

Gwyn

I would send (and did) a certified letter to HR, the woman's immediate superior, etc notifying them of the affair, the OW's name and involvement, the hurt and pain to you and your children and your desire to save your M and how a third person being involved is not conducive to having any chance to do this. Also, note to them about the OW ruining the reputation of the hospital, department, possibly carrying on the affair on company time via cell phone and thank them for any help they can provide.

You may not get any help but you will cause the hospital to think and wonder what could come of this. Company's like for things to go smooth and have no "boat rocking". Also, if she tried to retaliate in any way you have it documented as to what's going on and could sue the hospital or OW in civil court. CC your attorney at the bottom of the letter.

I have clinicals on weekends and I have no income (other than what's in the bank and we'll see how long my name stays on the checking account) so there's no way I could. Someone has to watch the girls and he usually does.

Oh, what an alien he's being. He just called to let me know that he is going to join the Merchant Marines in 30-45 days and he was going to leave all the bills and he hopes I have someone to pay them. That he'll never see the kids again and I get them since obviously that's what I want. I explained to him yet again that I don't want them to see OW, not him and that we loved him. I told him I thought he was being silly and he said that his back was against the wall and that if he didn't leave he would die from all the stress before he was 30 since nothing was going to get better. That way he could live alone on a boat and live the rest of his days alone. Oy! Guilt trip me to death.. IT is kind of funny though, isn't it?

He supposedly is coming here tonight to say goodbye forever to the girls. Whatever. I mean seriously. If he really was going to leave I am more than certain that miss OW wouldn't have been all jovial when trying to wave to me from her car. So, what's going on? Why am I so nervous?

Tell him that you and the children love him. Challenge him to think about what is best for everyone involved not just himself. Ask him "would it not be the ideal situation, if you and I could build a new and better marriage where both our needs get met and our children are raised by a caring and loving mom and dad under one roof? Wouldn't that be ideal if it could happen? Well, it can, I've seen it, I've talked to people that have done it. There's people who can help us and our children do this."

If he goes on about leaving, the merchant marines, etc. then tell him that you and the children will miss him, then turn away and get out of there.

You say: Don't worry about us sweetheart, I'm sure the merchant marines will be more than happy to garnish your paycheck to take care of your family. It'd be easier if you just did the right thing, but it's you're life.


Good job.


What he's really saying: My back is against the wall because of all the stress I've created in my life.


You say: We'll really miss you!

Just kidding on the above smarta$$ comments. He sounds like he's really getting desperate. Maybe things are rocky in affairland. You just remain calm and loving. I agree though, if you're really worried about his taking the children, just don't be there. Go somewhere. Those are your kids too.

Gosh, he Merchant Marines must be getting a lot of new members. We had another cheater who threatened to join. The following week, he changed it to going to Iraq. Anyway, he never went anywhere.

Wow, he wins the golden cross for self-pity. I am so sorry that we are unable to teach maturity.

The merchant marines??? Are you kidding me! Wahhhhhh, “Nobody loves me,” Wahhhhh. “I’m going to go live on boat all alone for the rest of my life,” Wahhhhhh, Wahhhhh. How will he ever survive without his bike and bar night? Your husband is a mere child. I know that you love him and we will do everything to help you save your marriage, but your husband is a child. Perhaps if we can get you and him through this ordeal he might become a man. Time will tell. Make that, time and hard work, will tell.

I can’t help but wonder if he is responding to the increasing desperation that he is experiencing as his comfortable world is crumbling. If he and his affair partner were “solid as a rock” he would likely be much more accommodating to you. Also, I can’t help but wonder if the OW is the leader in this affair. Your husband’s level of maturity is such that this woman could be using him for her own selfish purposes all the while with him thinking that he has found something so very special. Perhaps she is even growing tired of him as I write these words. He comes across as a very high maintenance kind of guy. Regardless, you should continue to make the affair as uncomfortable as possible.

Your manta is, “We love you, leave OW and come home where you belong.”

One more thing, he can run but he can’t hide from the responsibilities of debt and children. He is deluding himself but I suppose that has been going on for some time.

I hope that the HR exposure works in your favor but there is really no way to know. Once you send the letter you set in motion certain legal mechanics. The letter is a triggering event that causes the hospital to react in way that best keeps them from legal harm; harm from the OW’s actions and yours too. “Do nothing”, could be an option for them. Still, it is the right move.

Hope this helps you,

Mr. G