Hang in there. He is being exceptionally thoughtless.

When you look back on the marriage, was he generally a good husband?

Is he being thoughtless so much or is he seeing how I react? Okay, I already know the answer to that. Have to choke it up and be a big girl.

Looking back on things.. we both had a lot to work on. He had an anger and a maturity problem. It involved him punching holes into walls and then leaving. He never hit the kids or I, at least. He would get fired from jobs often, mainly because he spoke his mind, never thinking first. His spontaneity on things drove me crazy. He would pull us into all kinds of situations without thinking first - such as buying that Harley - that put us into more debt. I never felt he listened to me. He always said I complained about everything and that hurt. But everyone has problems - I thought they were things that we could work on, but evidently he didn't. All the things he does now; spending time with the kids, making dinner, etc he never really did when he was here and that hurts.

Oh what have I done?!
I'm crying to the point of gagging so please bear with me.
He came here to drop the kids off. He brought her! I would be fine.. but he brought her.
I cheerfully got the girls out of the truck and paid her no heed. I was doing okay. I was being strong.

He came in. She stayed in the truck at least. He asked me if I was planning on selling all his books and movies. I said "No, why would I do that?" I went through stuff to garage sale since he said I had to move.. but I didn't touch his stuff. Eldest DD told him that (She's been lying to both of us lately due to stress, I imagine). So he starts going through his stuff. I ask him to leave. Please leave. I felt the panic well up in me. I started crying. Then I started yelling for him to leave and go 'home'.. oh god.. I totally flipped out, opening the door, yelling everywhere how she was a homewrecker. Oh, god how stupid did I look? Nonetheless, story cut short .. he's getting the papers tomorrow and says if I am not a world class mom and freak out again, he's going to take all three (including the unborn) from me.. he's right. What the heck did I do? Why can't I do plan A like I want to? Why does everything upset me so much?

He took eldest DD over to their house because she was scared, I guess. I feel like the worst mom ever.. don't even get me started with ever getting him back. I wouldn't want a nut like me either. I ruined everything, didn't I?

You need to calm down. He is pushing your buttons and looking like a complete IDIOT. Please see an attorney tomorrow. Bringing the OW by the family home is sleazy and disgusting.

Please start documenting this stuff. Write it all down daily. The OW is really a PIG. I can't even imagine behaving like she is.

An attorney.. right. But I feel like I am the idiot, not him. I mean OW got what she wanted though, eh. A reaction. Now they both can tell everyone I'm a nut.

He also told me that the friend's b-day party I went to was embarrassed and felt awkward I was there and thought all I was doing was trying to find sympathy. Maybe I am. Trying to fill a void, I don't know anymore. I'm trying to calm down. My youngest is singing to me. I don't know what I would do if I lost her.

Did you ever write that exposure letter to the hospital? I never saw an email from you stating that you did that. You are setting yourself up for failure if you do not do all the components recommended. If you are going to follow marriage builders principals, you need to expose to all who could help you. This includes the workplace. You have a lot of reason to expose to her workplace which is also the hospital where you are doing your field work for your college. What about other family members? Have you exposed to them? Have you checked out women's agencies or legal aid? No wonder you get upset when all this is happening to you.

I don't want to be to hard on you because I know you are in a tough situation but I am worried for you. Please take care.

Yes, the letter was mailed out, certified mail. They do not have it as of yet, though. Unfortunately it was only to the director of human resources since her hospital would not disclose who her boss was and I could not find out who it was from anyone else. Everyone else knows. They know my side and they know his. Unfortunately, this is forcing them to choose sides. WS says I am making his friends turn on him, but it is his decisions that cause it. Now that he realizes that I'm exposing, he is trying to get to everyone else for his side of the story before I can get there. That's what happened with Mindy and her family. Of course, him and OW are there every day, so I have no idea what their heads are filled with.

From what I understood with legal aid at least here in my city is they base on whether they will help you by income and since we're still married they look at 'that' income which is more than 125% of the poverty level.

Gwyn - don't you know gaslighting when you see it?

It's time for you to "woman up" - hormones or no hormones. This is war. They just nuked you babe! It's time for you to see that your husband is gone. dead. no more. There is time to grieve later. But now it's war.

Get the strongest, meanest pit-bull lawyer you can - the alien inhabiting your husband's corpse will have to pay the tab on the karma bus. But you girl are not going down. You got that?

Your children need you. They need you healthy.

Have your pitbull attorney (which you will have engaged on your behalf by tomorrow - promise?) with the school and hospital administrator about a transfer or lawsuit for creating not only a hostile work environment but also a hostile learning environment. Promise them that they and their employee can expect civil suits to be forthcoming.

Then have your baby at a different hospital. capiche?

Haha. I'm having my baby at a different hospital no doubt anyway. The hospital I am at (and she works at) is famous for it's lackluster indigent care. I'm letting the insurance pay for my nice private room at the beach.

And yes I shall be working on the attorney thing tomorrow.

I talked to my daughter on the phone. She's so cute. She said that she loved me and forgave me for freaking out and that she'll see me first thing in the morning.

Don't listen to what your crazy husband tells you your friends said. Ninety nine percent of folks would find his and OW's behavior DESPICABLE. Your husband may be putting words in your friend's mouth, or if they are supporting OW/WH, you don't need them as friends.

Please go talk to an attorney. I'm sure hubby can be billed. I find it DISGUSTING that he can treat you like this, with no regard for his family or unborn baby's health.

You need to stand up to him and OW for your family and yourself.

I know what you are going through is absolutely awful. But you can be sure that WH and OW will get theirs in the end. OW may have what she wants right now, but I promise you, it isn't much.......

Get an Attorney, right frigging now!


Just curious, how is it that you are in nursing school during the summer? Are you in an LPN/LVN, BSN or ADN program? Is your overall GPA strong enough to absorb a few low grades while you work through the stress?

Your Clinical Instructor has given you verbal assurances that the OW will not influence his assessment and pass/fail for this clinical semester. His is the only vote that counts. While the nurses at a hospital can make you uncomfortable and report errors, that is about all they can do. This is as I understand it. My wife just graduated BSN last December.

That said, your WS has threatened you, so it was good insurance to let the hospital know what is going on. They can put some heat on the OW. Depending on the HR Director, they may or may not go that route.

You can get extra financial aid because of your circumstances. See the Financial Aid office at the college or school where you are enrolled.

Here is the bottom line; nursing school is tough without all the other distractions and emotional trauma you have on your plate. What you DON'T need is your WS pushing your buttons. My Gawd, you're pregnant, going through nursing school, no income, two other kids and he decides to commit adultery and make your life a serious living ******. Real sweetheart that one. Oh, and he runs the rest of your family off at one point in time - serious piece of work that boy. And boy is the operative word.

My thought is that the OW is welcome to him.

Lemme just tell you a quick story. My wife was inbetween semesters when she decided to have an affair. When I put my foot down, she ran the OM off. I then worked like crazy to make sure that she could concentrate on school instead of being totally distracted by all the emotional fallout of the terrible decision she made.

You need to quit worrying about all the garbage that your WS and his OW are trying to heap on you and concentrate on your kids and school. You need to pass for your future. I know it is tough, but try, try your best.

And I wish you well.

Larry

My GPA is high enough to be fine. I've never done badly in school, so all of this test failing is a real shock to me. If I fail this term, they make me redo it and it's not something I would like happening since I want to finish ASAP. I'm in an accelerated ADN program which will convert over to BSN later on. You're right, it's hard to concentrate. I just worry, worry, worry all the time. I already had an issue with anxiety as it is. The school was already aware of that, thank goodness.

As far as financial aid goes, I'll check into getting more. I usually get about a thousand extra dollars a term, but I have a loan, so go figure.

The nurses at the hospital are super nice and helpful. I told them all about what was going on, hoping some would know her. Hey any exposure is good exposure, right?

This gaslighting concept is interesting. I wonder..

Just know that your husband is behaving very poorly. Try to stay calm. Everytime that you get upset, the OW is laughing with glee. Their behavior is out of your control, but you can decide to control yourself.

I did some real crazy stuff - threw the Christmas presents out in the street (the neighbors got an eyeful there), screamed at the OW to get off her back and start taking care of her daughter, etc. Looking back, I can't believe it. But they did such awful things, I just lost it.

So don't blame yourself. Realize that you are under a tremendous amount of stress. So you must take care of yourself.

It isn't ideal that your daughter is dragged into all this. It would be better if your husband would realize how much he is hurting her by introducing her to the sl*t. But you can't control that. Seeing an attorney may help, or it may not make any difference.

But having raised 6 step-kids, I promise you that things won't be all that GREAT for the OW. It was a real battle becoming friends with mine (especially the girls), and I was NOT the OW.

Although it is hard to fathom, you have all the power. You are the wife, the mother, the one that has been betrayed. Stay strong.

gwyn,

Read KalaAndy's post again and again!

I picked up my daughter from WS's work this morning. He pulled me aside and said not only do I need therapy, but if I have an outburst again where he feels I might hurt the kids he'll take them away from me. I love them and would never hurt them and he brought out his infamous line "You have a funny way of showing it". I told him that I did not appreciate how he brought the OW to the house, in my territory. She was the reason I flipped out yesterday, touching my daughter. If he had any respect or caring left for me he wouldn't do it. He told me that it's going to happen again. She's part of his life and he doesn't have to keep her away. I just want to throw up. I'm so sad, stressed, and tired.. However, my mom helped me find an attorney I may be able to use. Well, it's a husband and wife team and I will be talking to them later about things and see what can be done.

A husband and wife team might just be the ticket if they have the attitude of a mongoose in heat. Your husband is gaslighting you big time.

Starfish posted this:


I know you don't have time to read books, but there is a good one on gaslighting out there:

Here is my thread on the subject - references in the thread to other threads.

My original post:

[quote] been seeing this term used more and more lately. Frankly, the definition of the word should raise the hairs on the back of one's neck. Affairs breed gaslighting like junkyard dogs breed fleas.

Here it is as a public service

Gaslighting:

A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective,

Edited to delete the complete definition at the request of J. E. Brown, who can be found on users.aol.com

You ARE being gaslighted in classic form.

Larry

Changed for the correct Starfish quotation

WH, that's over the line. YOU try that and you will be visiting with them at Burger King from 2-4 on every other Saturday. Have a nice day now!

*snicker* hopeandpray.. Thanks for the laugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have a consultation with the lawyer/attorney Thursday at 3:30. She says we'll discuss how much things will cost then. From the recommendation, it seems like she works with people so hopefully I can make use of her. It'll take a lot of stress off of me knowing what's going on and what I can do.

Any ideas on what I should bring with me? Most of the stuff in time order anyway I post on here. Also, do you think it will be okay to bring the girls? I do not know if I can find anyone to watch them at that time.

I have to say your H is a real class a-hole. But...I will also tell you that YOUR descriptions of how you have behaved with your children is really worrying me. From the face slap to acting out in front of them...I would also be concerned for their well being if I was your H.
The problem is, neither one of you seems very fit to parent at this time...you because of the stress your WH is putting on you and your responses to that stress... Your WH is not fit because he is a WH and an A-hole.
I am worried for your children.

MEDC, maybe you're right. Perhaps that's where my fear stems from. I do not want to lose my kids because I can not handle stress. What do you think I should do?