Talking to an attorney is a great start. That should at least help you to know what your options are. Then you will be able to make some decisions.

You are so busy now it is hard to make time for anything else. I think I would get some counseling for yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now. Most women would have an extremely difficult time doing everything WITHOUT also having a husband in the midst of adultery.

Your husband doesn't give a ****** about your children. You are the one that is going to have to come through for them.

Changed the starfish quote - take a look.

And I agree with believer - your socalled husband is clueless and devoted to himself first, last and to the exclusion of anyone or anything else up to and including your kids.

He is gaslighting you big time.

Larry

Here are some suggestions...
If you have any family that the children can visit for a weeks vacation...now might be the time. Make it an adventure for them.
Have a scheduled time when you can vent your frustrations...ask a friend to sit for a while if needed.
Stop interacting with your WH. He is a cancer to you and frankly I think you should stop trying to repair your M and only focus on you and the kids.
Recognize that no matter what...you will come out of this okay...you are not the damaged goods here...your WH is.
Get counseling specifically for your anger management and anxiety.
Exercise as much as your pregnancy will allow.
Get a support group....not the MB people...but those that can hold your hand in person.
Breathe.

I talked to the attorney. It did not really help much since they were just throwing out options since I have not been given papers yet. Although, after they told me how much it would cost him, I can see why he's holding out. Child support itself would be the majority of his paycheck. They let me know that the child abuse threats are just empty words and without any kind of legal documentation saying so, I should be fine and should be the one on top in the end. I have a list of all the paperwork I'll need if either one of us does the papers, so I'll get started on that as soon as possible.

The doctor is pretty concerned I am going to deliver early. The baby himself seems okay but I have been having chest pains and I have been vomiting everything I've been eating for the past week - I am going to be referred to a cardiologist and an GI doctor probably tomorrow. She said if I feel any more chest pain I need to go to the ER right away. Yay, more problems due to stress. Good news, though.. WS and OW did not give me any STDs. Lucky them. Lucky me. 0

Gwyn, you're doing great! I really admire your ability to just persevere daily, through all of this mess.

But ... right now you're in "wait mode," seeing what your husband will do. And this leaves HIM with every advantage, and you with NONE.

[color:"brown"] You might consider filing for divorce before he does. Here's why:

Many spouses, when confronted with the actual BILL of what it's going to cost to go through a divorce, are forced to look at their future with the OP. Once the two of them realize that his responsibilities to the family will CONTINUE and that he's going to be IMPOVERISHED, and not contributing anything at all FINANCIALLY -- odds improve that he's going to return with his tail between his legs.

You might want him back, you might NOT, but it gives YOU the option of making that choice, which is where you want to be.[/color]

[color:"green"] Gwyn, start taking the reins out of his hands. The attorney told you that "child support itself would be the majority of his paycheck." He's also likely to have to pay alimony/maintenance. So, he's going to go through STICKER SHOCK (a good thing).

However, you definitely want to enjoy the benefit of surprise, because both he and the OW are playing pretty hideous mind games, and since you're sick/pregnant/schooling/childrearing right now, that leaves you exhausted and vulnerable. [/color]

Here's why I think this could work: A female friend of mine engaged in a torrid and exhaustive PA, and actually somehow got her husband to move out of the house, while she kept their child at home. I'm guessing he was both horrified and stunned, and felt vulnerable. It took him about a month and a half to come to his senses, and see a lawyer.

What he did was, present her with a "bill" for her affair. They would have to sell the house. They would share child custody. Her child from a previous relationship (who he was not obligated to support) would cease getting goodies like camp, lessons, etc. She would have to work full time to support herself (she was previously a SAHM). Her medical would be jeapordized ..... Etc.

What did SHE do? Come to her senses very quickly! She dropped her lover like a hotcake, her husband moved back home, and they resumed their lives.

They did NOT resume their lives easily, but being together (and her being compelled to end the affair) were both motivated by her economic fears.

Four years later, they have what she CLAIMS to be, a healing marriage, and they apparently have a good/better relationship.

Here's what I think, Gwyn: Strike first, and strike hard. Your husband is all about mind games motivated by FEAR. So, you can play his game. But you can also come out the winner!

I apologize for the threadjack:

sweetsobriquet

With you being somewhat new to these boards, before offering advice on this forum, imparticular the Infidelity Boards, would you please do some reading of Plan A/B which are the Harley's principles recommended in dealing with Infidelty.

Thank you,
Jo

Well.

What to do, what to do..

I went to clinicals today and had an awesome day, no less. I come home to receive a call from WS saying that my eldest DD was being a brat and that he was going to bring her home. (He was going to watch them all day today and all day tomorrow) A brat, eh? I just laughed to myself and said, "Okay, well please bring them both home then". So, they come home and I learn that she told OW not to touch her younger sister and that's where a lot of it stemmed from. She also told OW how horrible she was, etc. Supposedly I put all these words in my eldest DDs mouth, which I did not. Actually last night we had a talk on how there was nothing we could do and to be respectful to OW and WS because they were adults and things would work out as they may. She told me she would.. evidently she did not.

Thing is, I also told my WS that I would rather not have OW touch my daughter if she could help it. I don't trust her. Why should I? This was not something I told my DD to say, however.

So, plan A blown out of the window. He accused me of using my children as a weapon. (Which I'm not I promise). He also says this because I told him I wasn't sure I wanted him at the delivery. Which I don't. Gee, I have no idea why not. He said it was his son. I told him if he cared so much about the son's well being then he'd be home, not where he is now. Then he said I was the one who told him to leave when I found out about the affair. Maybe I said that? I don't think so. He made all these decisions on his own. I reminded him also that the stress is causing the baby to be born early most likely. If I was not pregnant I would deal with the stress on my own, but this involves another living being. Then he started with the whole 'getting a lawyer' thing. Then I, of course, who can't keep my mouth shut let him know I contacted an attorney and that all the laws he was spilling out of his mouth that he supposedly 'looked up' were wrong. That he would not owe me supplemental alimony or anything, etc.

Now he reminded me if I do not let him at the delivery he is going to go get a lawyer and tell him/her that I beat my kids and they'll take the kids away, even the son when he is born right from the hospital. Oh and that he was never coming home and if there was even a glimmer of a thought of that ever happening,

He left and said he may come back to get the kids later if my eldest DD was behaving.

Oy. I know I should have just smiled and nodded. But of course not..

WS called his father (you know, the one who is supporting me) accusing me of using rent money from the account to pay for a lawyer. WS was a little surprised I went to see one, it seems. I called him up after I spoke to his father, saying in my nicest plan A voice that I know he is upset, but I did not lie to him about paying for an attorney. I wouldn't use his money to do that especially when we have bills due. I let him know I did not appreciate being accused of beating my children and that if he wanted us to "sit down" and settle anything amiably, he would need to stop doing that. He sarcastically said, "Well you are obviously perfect and have done nothing wrong". Ugh. Basically we didn't get anywhere positive. Later he called to let me know he had nothing more to say to me and that we shouldn't even talk unless it's to say "Hi here are the kids". Bleh. Not even 5 minutes later, a call from WS's phone, but from OW:

OW: "If you keep messing with WS, I am going to go up to the hospital where you work and let them know everything and get you in trouble. I know a lot of professors and have a lot of friends there. "
(Deja vu much?)

ME: "They already know about the situation"

OW: "Do they know you tried to drown your kids? Well?"

(This is the abuse thing her and him keep pulling on me. Everytime. No proof, nothing. Just to scare me)

Random expletives from her.

ME: "They know everything. Look you're only calling me because you're scared. Have a good day"

And then I hung up. So, did I mess that up quality style or what?

I talked to my daughter again, making sure that she remembered how we talked about being respectful. I told her she didn't have to like the OW, but to be respectful to her Daddy she needed to be respectful to the OW.

Glad your daughter spoke up. I wouldn't stifle her thoughts. Let her father knows, he is the grownup he needs to be able to digest her thoughts and feelings.

As for the OW's threats, report it immediately. Write down the date and time of the convo. Copy all your supporters on the e-mail or letter you are sending the hospital. To let them know she is using the hospital as a weapon in the OW's behalf and you want to know if the hospital will be participating in such flagrant and degrading threats.

Expose this along with the WS' statements about false charges. Let all know he is willing to resort to lying to steal the children from you and that you no longer feel safe with him watching the children alone. Contact your local women's abuse shelter immediately and start a case on him. This will be helpful in court. Also report what your daughter said and that you are not teaching her to disrespect her father but his own actions are causing your daughter to see him in disrespectful light.

Don't waste any time waiting for him to get better. Right now he won't. He believes he can hurt you, so you'd better go protect yourself. This will anger him more, just keep steady and don't waiver.

Put your entire support group on alert.

take care,
L.

get your attorney to immediately document all of this in a letter to your WS and OW, letting them know that he knows that you have been threatened in any number of ways and have his write a scorching letter to both of the idiots putting them on notice!

He should cc the hospital, your professors, etc with OW's comments and threats. She may get fired.

huh? How in the world is this Marriage Builders ADVICE? I have been here for 6 years and have never found anywhere where it is advised to file for divorce to give your spouse a wake up call! Now, it may be that she HAS TO file to PROTECT HERSELF financially in a state that does not have legal seperation procedures, but generally speaking, it is NEVER advised that one file for divorce unless a) they WANT a divorce and b) all other avenues have been exhausted.

Divorce should never be used as a TOOL to teach someone a lesson.

sweetsobriquet, people come here to learn about MARRIAGE BUILDERS principles, not to learn the opinions of some fogged out serial cheater on the internet who knows nothing about Marriage Builders. Please note the sign on the door. If you are going to be doling out "advice" on this forum, then take the time to EDUCATE yourself FIRST on Marriage Builders concepts. OR, go start your own website where you can dole out your own advice on your own dime. Just rememeber, folks come here to learn MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not sweetsobriquets unqualified "opinion."

Advising Gwyn to hurry and file for divorce FIRST in order to get a reaction from her WH isn't a MIND GAME? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Please PLEASE cease giving advice on this board until you understand Harley's priniciples, sweetsobriquet.

Jo

1) I don't want a divorce, duh
2) Don't worry I read what sweet says with a grain of salt
3) It's hard to be pro-plan A when your WS is hostile when you talk to him.
4) The friend that he said I offended said everything was okay, but he wasn't expecting the drama that surrounded the situation. I don't know why he didn't.
5) "Divorce should never be used as a TOOL to teach someone a lesson." - Why does it worry me that my WS may do that to me?

I would definitely be keeping a journal. Be sure to include OW calling you and threatening you, and your husband's threat that he will turn you in if he can't be at the delivery.

Also keep in mind that being at the delivery is a privilege, and not a RIGHT for the father. If he is not a husband, but a wayward spouse who allows the OW to call you, he doesn't belong with you during the birth.

I'm sorry, but I think the OW is really a WITCH. I can't imagine behaving like she does.

There are LOTS of women out there who have given birth without the husband/father present. In fact 30-40 years ago the men paced around outside waiting for news. This whole "daddy in the labor room" is a relatively new fad.

Your comfort and the baby's health are the utmost important thing -- and "daddy" will contribute nothing but negative to both. He will stress you out, which in turn will harm the baby. Have a coach that will support and comfort you.
You don't need "daddy" as a witness. He has no rights to that.

Also -- this whole situation is getting uglier by the minute. Document these interactions. Get to your doctor and document the stress these two A-holes are putting you under. Get a restraining order to prevent OW from contacting you.

A judge will EASILY side with a pregnant mom with chest pains due to stress caused by OW. You WILL get a restraining order preventing her from any contact with you.
Which in turn will help you defend yourself at school/hospital if she tries causing you trouble there.

Can you see why exposure is so effective? She was threatening to use it against you, not knowing you'd already trumped them on it!

Well, the main reason he wants to be there for the delivery (other than the obvious) is that he actually delivered my youngest daughter with the doctor coaching him. He had permission since he was EMT licensed at the time. Now it is very likely the same doctor will be delivering this one, but she knows about the whole story and says I need to do what is right for me. I wouldn't mind my husband being there, but if I get the choice of him as a wayward spouse acting all strangely and doing what he is doing, no thanks. I wish he could understand. They don't lie when they say there is a fog.

I must be looking up the wrong thing because the only stuff about restraining orders involve spouses, boy/girlfriends, or someone who has already lived with you already.

The best part of the exposure thing is not only was she not expecting me to take charge and get that taken care of, but she has no idea about the letter. I wonder when/if they'll pull her into HR. I think she's a witch, too, and seriously manipulative.

He was standing right there when she called me. It is so hard for me seeing my old wonderful, intelligent spouse acting like a complete idiot.

I don't doubt he WANTS to be there. But you don't need to be concerned about his WANTS at this time.

At this time YOU get to decide what YOU want.

There is no way I would allow an actively betraying husband in the delivery room with me. Just my opinion.
He'd add nothing but stress.

Talk to your attorney about getting a restraining order.

We've had several expectant moms post here, and as I remember, in every case the wayward got it together by the time the baby came. They also went back to their wives.

So there have been lots of discussions here about WH being in the delivery room, and most folks agree that he doesn't have the RIGHT to be there. He is there at mom's pleasure. Mom isn't putting on a show for anyone, but bringing a baby into this world. In the end the question is whether or not he will help or hinder her.

The ob nurses here have always stated that mom needs to let her wishes be known, and those will be enforced.

Understand that you have all the power here, and that may be why your WH and OW are behaving so poorly. Please try to relax and take excellent care of yourself. Right now, no one is taking care of you, so you will need to do it on your own. Splurge on being good to YOU.

I agree with B and Lexxxy...but be aware of one very important point. He CAN legally take the child home from the hospital....since it is his child too. Once that baby leaves your body he has equal say until and if a court says otherwise. You would do well to have the custody issue resolved BEFORE the birth.

If no custody order is in place...be careful to not anger him too much. It could bite you in the end.

believer - for the most part this is correct - but I've read of one or two that called the OW from the delivery room or just barely outside...

Gwen's WS is more likely of this ilk - perhaps even more likely to bring the OW into the delivery room to play nurse... than the kind to have a sudden come to Jesus attitude.

More than the average classic gaslighter, this one is.

He is a gaslighter for sure. And he could bring OW. I remember one who brought OW to see the baby - YUCK. But I'm hoping for the best.