Please get some legal help and quit letting this man bully you, gaslight you, threaten you.....You need legal help Gywn somehow, someway in order to get a legal separation in place for child support, alimony/spousal support, living situation, boundaries, schooling, etc.

If you wait too long this man will take advantage of you and leave you to pick up the many broken pieces of your life. Don't wait. Act.

I wouldn't get a job. Let hubby get two jobs. Sounds like he has a lot of time on his hands anyway.

If there was legal separation here, I would do it.
Bah, he's getting his OW to get that 300k loan. He isn't going to hurt for money. I'll get a job when I'm ready to.

He came here to drop off the keys to the apartment so I can go unpack some boxes to get more boxes. He said the way I acted yesterday made him get rid of all his doubts about leaving and validate why he did what he did. I told him that I was just upset that when he talks about reconciling, I'm the one that has to fix everything. He's like "Okay, if I come back I won't cheat on you anymore. That's what has you all upset anyway". Ugh. I said, "No, there were problems, but I didn't want to make you angry with me". Then he said, "You complained all the time about everything".

Now supposedly when him and OW start a business he is going to buy me a house which I don't have to pay for over by where he lives so he can see the kids whenever he wants. I told him, "Well, I want my marriage back, but I either want you home or I'm going to move out of state when/if this is over. I don't want you constantly bringing OW and yourself around me. I need to protect myself and the children from this". WS - "You can't keep my kids away from me." Me - "You can have them over the summer, I don't know" Then he proceeded to tell me about his friend that had divorced parents that saw his dad over the summer and didn't have a good relationship with him. WS's are so selfish aren't they?

The conversation continued about asking about my school and how much I've had to miss since I gave birth and I started crying (hormones maybe?) because I really want to go to clinicals and work with the kids and that I loved kids and always had. He said that I always told people I hated children, which I replied with, I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to be more than just assumed as a mother. He tells me to stop crying, that I'm always crying and that's one of the reasons he left.

Lovely, this all snowballs. My director of nursing called to let me know that even though they are trying to help me as much as possible, I can not miss another clinical day or I'll have to leave the program. So, I really need to get the doctors to give me a medical release. I know they would if they could *see* me, but I've been playing tag with the nurse that works there that won't help me. Any suggestions?

I need to do more reading of other people's posts when I get time and try to figure out if I should plan A or B this. I'm going to constantly see him, I don't have much of a choice on that. In me, though, I still want to try and fight the battle. Perhaps I am a fool. I just can't throw away almost 9 years of us being together out into the wind. I wish I could, it would be so much easier. Sometimes I just want to wait until their affair fizzles because I know it is the only way that he is going to think on his own.

You do what you have to do but there are WS's and then there are WS's and your WH is a bad apple as a WS. If it were me I would file D, seek emergency order splitting finances, getting CS, sold custody w/ visitation for him, no OW around my children, alimony/spousal support so that you can hire child care and go to school and if he gets his head out of his butt before its too late then you can stop the D. It will take quite a while anyway. I would also seek the ability to move with the children at least 1.5 hours away from this man.

Time to give this man some reality along with his fantasy.

Sweetheart, I read your story tonight as I had time on my hands, Hubby and I have been in recovery for over nine years. It absolutely broke my heart . You ARE one heck of a strong person. And your children are so lucky to have you. You CAN do this. With or without him.
I could not, I know I couldn't have done what you have.
Please come back and update for me. If I can I'll try to scare up a few of the wiser ones for you. God Bless You, and Yours.

Congratulations on your son. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Babies can sure put a smile on us at the hardest of times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Give your little ones your love. You won't regret it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As for the WS, he is a babbling fool. If he is willing to sell his soul and family up the creek with the OW, let him. You take what you need, haul his azz to court for support. Realize that the OW's hold is temporary and $$ based. It won't last. Just because her grandfather owned a hospital doesn't mean she is good. $$ talks but sometimes it also 'gossips'. LOL!!!

Expose as needed. You may have to stop the schooling and work for a while to make ends meet but don't let him out of his financial obligations.

In my case the OW tried to give the WS $$ about 4k. WS as dumb and fogged as he was realized he was being offered blood $$ and didn't keep it. He held it in his hands with me egging him onto take it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's a BS trick since WS are programmed NOT t/d what a BS tells them t/d so when I told him to take the $$ he couldn't. Talk about reverse, reverse, reverse stupidity. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Right now conctrate on getting you and your family financially established and constantly question the OW's sanity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You may be surprised how many recognize she is an OW and a crazy one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

L.

Hey guys. Sorry, I've been moving into the apartment and haven't had internet until today. I've been using my FIL's but I try to get off quickly and not be a pain.

My son is adorable. He looks a little like WS though (as much as can be at 2 weeks old) and it hurts. It reminds me I miss him and perhaps I shouldn't miss him.

I'm still in school. Perhaps there are such things as miracles. No, I think it's more they know what's going on and are being nice about it. They are even trying to get me more scholarship money. I just have to make it through. Studying and actually remembering anything really just isn't happening. I want to be a good nurse. I would have kicked me out.. Just saying.

I appreciate you thinking I'm strong. Looking at me basically having a nervous breakdown in front of my girls about an hour ago makes me question that. Perhaps the boost in my Zoloft will help. (My doctor yesterday told me I could raise the dosage if necessary).

WS has had my eldest daughter all week, well, except tonight since he had bike night and earlier asked me to pick her up. He wants to spend more and more time with the kids, especially his new son (he even got a tattoo with his name on his arm and had to make sure he showed me that). I don't feel right about it. He never had time for the kids before, it was always me doing everything. He actually kept all three of the kids with him all night last night since I had school and it was late. Both my little ones for the first time away from me. It was very hard and I stayed up all night worrying. It makes me nauseous to think they were there (WS and OW) taking care of my newborn. They'll be doing it again Friday night, too. I wish I could say, "No I'll get someone else to watch them", but I don't have anyone to do it. It was always going to be H watching them and now it's just a mess.

WS and myself, we had a conversation the other day about things. Well, if you count my crying the whole time - so much for LBs. Typical WS speak - He loves her, he thinks she loves him, he was *this* close to coming home until I acted like I always did (There's a reason for that I'll get to in a moment), he decided not to come home and be miserable with me even for the kids if he can be happy with her instead, he may come home someday, but signs are pointing to no. This is just all so exhausting. I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. He said he could go draw up the divorce papers any time I'd like. I told him, no, that isn't what I want at all, I want to work on marriage. Grr.

Anyway, the reason why I got angry with him was due to him telling me his new job would be on Saturdays, too, which he hasn't had to work in awhile and that since my Clinicals are on Saturday, OW would be watching my children! I was like HECK NO I DO NOT THINK SO! He's like, you don't have a choice, that's how it is.

Then to top all that off, I'm moving and FIL tries to warn me not to come to the apartment while WS is moving the boxes. I go anyway because I didn't get the hint and guess who's there moving my stuff? That's right, OW. Then he gets mad at me because I don't thank her right away. WS tells me that no one else wanted to help me because I have an attitude problem. No, really, no one wanted to help him.

He's losing his friends, his FIL, and me. He tells me he knows this, but he thinks it is worth it. Oh yeah and of course it isn't about the money.

So, Wednesday night, as I said, they had the kids. He was oh so tired, so OW meets me up at eldest DD's school to drop the other two off. I'm supposed to maintain a pleasant demeanor.. ugh.

Also, he said 'don't tell anyone', but OW *was* pregnant and but because she helped me move boxes, had a miscarriage and is really sick now. *Sigh* I really hate how my life is like Jerry Springer.

"Also, he said 'don't tell anyone', but OW *was* pregnant and but because she helped me move boxes, had a miscarriage and is really sick now. *Sigh* I really hate how my life is like Jerry Springer."

I don't believe that for a minute. Someone is really WHACKO!!!! Is she telling him this stuff????? Sheesh, this is worse than a soap opera!!!!!

Hang in there. Forget about them. The affair WILL end. Concentrate on getting through school. Prayers going your way.

Someone told me I have a wonderful sense of humor. Okay, so a few somebodies have. I am hanging in there, I just think it would be SO much easier if my kids didn't have to go there and not be with me. I don't believe the whole miscarriage thing either and you'll like this part, he told me, "I didn't know women over 40 could get pregnant" Hahaha.

Thanks for the prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gwyn

You need to read this and take it to heart dear. Your WH is abusing you.

Infidelity
A Form of Abuse
Infidelty, Abuse, Deception, causes pain and suffering.


It can become a form of emotional violence.

Read this article by Michael Clanchy, a qualified counselor and writer, and Chris Trotter, a senior lecturer in social work at Monash University (Melborne, Australia). The Age (Melborne, Australia) 23 March 1999, p18 copyright 1999, excerpts under "fair use" to encourage you to read the article and stimulate discussion.

When Joanne finally mustered the strength to end her eight-year relationship with George, she was still displaying all the symptoms of a victim of physical and psychological abuse- anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem and a distorted sense of reality.

Yet George was no typical perpetrator of domestic violence. He had not laid a hand on Joanne during their relationship and only rarely raised his voice to her. Yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her to the point of illness and hospitalization through his relentless pursuit of a long-standing sexual affair with his work colleague, Davina.

Adultry, deception and romantic triangles are the staple fare of novels, lifestyle magazines and TV dramas. We watch the scenarios unfold for our entertainment and diversion. We sometimes talk with callous fascination about our friends and acquaintances in the same situations. But rarely do we stop to acknowledge the real human pain and suffering that accompanies these events and the cruel consequences that sometimes follow from them.

In many instances, betrayal through infidelity can be very close to what we term domestic violence. Unfaithful parties are often insensitive to the pain they inflict, as are perpetrators of physical and psychological violence. Often the faithful party is as vunerable and dependent as the victim of repeated bashing. Futhermore, the behaviour patterns of onging infidelity often parallel the well-documented stages in the cycle of domestic abuse.

To understand the connection: between infidelity and domestic abuse, we need to look at what infidelity entails. When two people commit to an ongoing relationship, in most cases they commit to sharing certain life activities, and sharing them to the exclusion of others. This exclusivity distinguishes the bond of their affection and partnership.

In Western societies, sexual and physical intimacy, best-friend status, the sharing of personal information and the priority allocation of time, attention and resources usually occurs to the exclusion of others.

Infidelity is essentially a breach of this commitment. The infidelity may be sexual, or it may be emotional, where a partner goes over to a third party, in the sense that they share a primacy of affection, time or other resource, normally reserved for or freely given to a life partner.

Why is infidelity abusive? Why is it sometimes a form of psychological and emotional violence? Because infidelity can be as devasting as a violent attack. It resuls in humiliation, hurt and loss for the injured partner. The betrayal is usually perceived as a direct attack on the faithful partner's worth as a person and as a partner.

A Research project involving in-depth interviews with a number of women and men who have experienced infidelity has been conducted at Monash University. The stories reveal numerous parallels between certain cases of indelity and cases of psychological and physical abuse.

The research found that common characteristics of abuse and infidelity include:

-The reccuring cycle. As with domestic violence, infidelity can become an ongoing feature of some relationships.

-Similar Pases. Ongoing infidelity sometimes follows a path similar to the well-documented domestic abuse cycle. A typical cycle might include a tension build-up phase, the infliction of pain, a brief period of remorse and guilt and then the reconciliation phase, followed by a rturn to tension build-up.

-Apparent Indifference of the Betraying Partner. Apart from the brief periods of guilt and remorse after critical incidents of abuse or infidelity, the betrayers/abusers tend to be insensitive to the pain and distress they inflict on their partners. They often continue their infidelity or abuse without accepting responsibility for the anguish they cause.

-Similarity of the Responses of the Injured parties. Those who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse. Some of these symtoms include:

deep personal suffering
low self-esteem
a sense of worthlessness
a sense of helplessness and a lack of control over their lives
a dependency on the betrating partner and a need for their approval
a distorted sense of reality in which they can begin to believe that their partner's infidelity is their own fault.
In the case of Joanne, for example, over time she began to question what she had done to make her husband want another woman. She concluded she was worthless and unattractive. She blamed herself for being jealous and possessive. She tortured herself to the point where, she said, she thought she would go mad. She had lost sight of the simple reality that George's infidelity was both his choice and a breach of their mutual commitment.

-Breaking the Cycle. Behavior patterns established by partners in abuse and infidelity situations can be difficult o change. Like domestic violence, unfaithful behaviour does not often cease of its own accord, but calls for definitive action on the part of either the perpetratior, the affected party or both.

Unfaithful behaviour is heavily associated with lies, deception and denial. Overseas research suggests that if a relationship is to survive, the unfaithful partner needs to admit the destructive nature of their behaviour, accept responsibility for its damaging effects and close off inappropriate contact with the third party.

By the same token, the faithful partner needs to signal clearly what behaviour they will accept and what behaiviour they will not accept and be prepared to take action consistent with their words.

-Endurance, Strength, and Survival. From our circle of family and friends and from stories we read in the papers, we all know of situations of infidelity and abuse that have eneded tragically.

Nevertheless, the most encouraging aspects in the Manash University research are the many examples of endurance and survival in the stories of people subjected to the trama of infidelity.

The survivors have struggle with their pain, some for many years. Most have eventually found their inner strength, have taken some control of their situation and moved on with their lives on their own terms. Some have done this with their exsisting partners, some without.

I've had two late first trimester miscarriages since I turned 40 - had nothing to do with my lifestyle or lifting and everything to do with thyroid, and other necessary hormone levels not being up to par.

That's the typical over 40 miscarriage cause - but I think she had a liar's miscarriage.

I agree with you.
But the update here is FIL told me that last night they were at the bar (If you're having a miscarriage I don't think you're going to be out doing that) and they tell him (WS and OW) that the doctor found a mass on OW's lung and that she was going in for an advanced cat scan today. WS tells me I need to pick up my daughter since he's going to the appt with her. Of course the conversation gets heated. Back when I had my tumor scare and got an MRI he basically treated me like crap. Through sickness and health eh? So, I catch him in a lie and he tells me the only reason that he didn't tell me about her lung is that she didn't want me to know because she thinks I'll wish her dead. I'm not vindictive geeze. I told him I could care less and don't wish that upon anyone. And he still says she had a miscarriage and I was like suuuure, okay.

Oh and for the other post. I know he's abusing me in that way and I've taken it to heart. Perhaps I sacrifice too much for my children, but I do not want them to have a broken home. So, yes, I do blame myself a little bit, but hardly anything close to what I used to.

Sounds to me like there is something mentally wrong with the OW. I hope that she doesn't have a mass on her lung though.

Continue making a good life for YOU. Try not to get too caught up in OW's drama.

There is something.
But I have this sinking feeling everyone is trying to erase the existence of me. You know why? I was at clinicals today with the pediatric patients. I call and let him know I'm on the way home and I want to pick up the kids and he tells me they are over at FIL's having dinner. I say, "They?". Yes, him, the kids AND OW! What the ******?! I'm so upset right now.

Gwen,

I haven't posted on your thread yet, but I've read the entire thing. I am so sorry that you are going through all this especially during this stressful time in your life.

Your WH is completely stupid to be throwing away a relationship with such a caring woman who has put others before herself. You are going to be a great nurse (I wanted to be a nurse for a while too and was in the program briefly before deciding it's not for me, so I KNOW how tough it is!).

You are going to make an excellent wage as an BSN and you will be able to take care of your family. Your WH sounds very irresponsible and he will never succeed until he grows up. I know you love him, but he is making decisions now that, if he ever wakes up and realizes what he's done, he will regret.

You will be a great catch for a man who can appreciate your dedication and work ethic if your WH chooses to let you slip away.

It seems as if you are in a position now where everything is working against you and you have had to endure the presence of a truly awful OW who seems to want to force herself into every part of your life. She will have to answer for her actions one day, believe me.

But you seem to handle this all with the most amazing grace, though most of us BW's would want to beat her up at this point!!! So I am truly amazed at you and hope that you can see this is only temporary.

When you graduate and get a job, you will be able to get out of the situation you are in now and get your life together.

I hope that if your WH comes crawling back to you (which he should on hands and knees begging), you don't make it easy for him to weasel his way back into your life.

Thank you Saralynn. I've read your post, too, and I know you're going through the same ****** as me and I wish you the best. Your child, though, will help alleviate a lot of pain. I didn't think mine would since, well, he looks just like my WS, but he distracts me from dwelling on what is and what could be.

And yes, of course I want to beat her. And maybe run her over with my car. Maybe. Perhaps if we were cartoon characters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL!

I don't blame you a bit for feeling that way. I've never had to even look at the OW since learning of the A. and only met her briefly back in January.

If I knew she was watching my DS...I think I would totally flip out. But I understand that you don't have anyone else and that your hands are basically tied.

I know it hurts to have your FIL let the OW come over especially when you two are so close. But just know that this is typical of WS's families and all my in-laws have basically turned their backs on me too.

When I first found out about the A. and exposed to my MIL, all I asked of her was to not stop visiting...do you think she's visited me at all in the last 3 months??? Nope. Not even a phone call.

I feel the same way about everyone just wanting me to disappear. It hurts. But just know that reason why is that you are a reminder to them of the terrible thing they are doing. That's why they don't want you around. Your very presence makes THEM feel guilty, so don't take it personally.

I am excited about meeting my DD. I only have 12 days to go until my c-section and then I will be too busy to focus on this mess that my life has become. I know she will be the best distraction!

I just want you to know that I wish you the best though.

Well, that stunk.

My FIL warned me that OW and WS would be at his house today at the get-together. I told him, don't worry, of course I will come. I was okay until I saw them and I got extremely angry. So, I ignored him all day. He didn't bend over backwards to talk to me either until it was about time to go.

Of course OW was touching my kids the whole time and there was not much I could do since the newborn cried all day and wanted me only so the other kids were not able to get enough attention from me. What even made me more mad was they both were smoking all around the kids. They were the only two there that smoked.

I just feel so disrespected.

Just out of curiosity, how much more time do you have before you graduate and can take the NCLEX? I assume you are going for RN, not LPN (LVN).

Larry

I graduate in May as long as everything goes the way that was planned.