Well, my FIL checked out my dog and she isn't as bad as we were told, so that's good. She still needs more attention and she hasn't been eating. I wish there was more I can do, but until I get into a house with a yard again..

Which makes me wonder that supposedly when WS comes back as he keeps saying he is, where is my dog going to go?

.

I have a lot of questions about this coming back thing.I still don't know.. I told him what I think - I would like him back but not all of this other stuff. These are even things that happened before the A. He is saying that him and OW are having it rough because he thinks she knows he's planning on going. He did tell me he was sorry about not being friendly on the phone, but figured I was smart enough to figure out why. That he can't talk to me like that when she's around. I could care less what she thinks, really. This situation is just so strange. He came and talked to me about all of it today. I told him my boundaries. Well, I started to. He really has no idea. He is supposed to bend over backwards after all of this, right? No lies, etc.

I have my rules (these are some of them):
1) Respect me, respect yourself, respect others
- He agrees with this one, but I'm not sure he KNOWS how to do it. Took him long enough to see, I would think although he doesn't think that applies to taking care of himself healthwise. I think that falls into the respect yourself category, don't you?
2) Deal with whatever it is inside that makes you angry and don't direct it at other people.
- HE really really doesn't get how this is messing up his life bigtime even outside our M.
3) No other women in his life other than me.
- He went on the spiel that I did not have SF with him often enough and that while he might have a PA again with someone he would never have an EA like he has with OW.

Stop the presses. No, he doesn't get it. I'm reading some articles here and there, but I still don't know how to talk to him about my boundaries without getting angry. The A was not about me or what I did or didn't do. In the end it was about him and his selfish desires. No more blaming me. He told me there was like a 4 year stretch in which he didn't cheat on me. I was like, "Congratulations?".

I'm babbling. Actually, I have no idea why I posted all this. I'm just frustrated and while I know what to do, I do not know how to project it. I am not an eloquent speaker and by the time I have a conversation with him, I forget a lot I am going to say anyway.

As you read here and work on yourself, you will develop better self-esteem. And it will really help when you (finally) graduate and can get a prestigious job with good pay.

Hubby has some work to do, and so far he is taking the easy way out. Instead of tackling his problems, he picked having an OW.

The problem is, you may lose your respect and love for him. My ex was like yours. All through the affair he claimed he loved me and was coming back. I didn't do Plan B soon enough and just woke up one day not in love with him.

I have to agree with exposure. I contacted the HR at the hospital my husband works at, and there is currently an investigation underway. I was afraid to do it, but I realize that the only way that I can save my marriage is to end the A. I also sent a letter to OW's spouse, and her parents. I am hoping someone has the moral fiber to force the A to end, and then hopefully my husband and I can reconnect. They have to know that their actions are not acceptable, and the majority of people believe the sane thing.

But in the end, you do need to look out for yourself and your children. Keep in mind....whereas it is true that he can take the kids because there is no custody arrangement, it is also true that you don't have to let the kids go with him. There is no custody agreement.

Be well and post. There are alot of people here who have been where you are, and can keep you sane! My prayers are with you...

*looks at post above* Eh?
Must have put it in the wrong post.

Oh. Anyway.

WS is being super nice and it's making me uncomfortable. Saying he loves me in his phone calls. It's been 6 months. It's just odd. He wants to come home, he misses his family, he misses me. Told him he just can't come home like nothing happened. He expects lots of talks, he asks us not to argue - to let one of us walk away from an argument - this is on both of us. Fine by me. He doesn't understand why I won't tell him I love him. I told him the truth, I have to be careful. It isn't like nothing happened. A lot did. He says it was a wakeup call. I say it was rampant, thoughtless destruction. OW still doesn't know, he says. He calls me when he can sneak away from her. Like I'm the OW instead. Go figure eh.

I'm still afraid of what she'll pull once she finds out. Oh, and I still don't know what I want. He sounds like H, H before the anger issues.. but can I trust that? He lied to me so much, or 'left out information' which is still lying by me.

He wants me to at least get work part time so he can come home. That's fine, I was looking to get one anyway. I can't handle bills being late. I hope he learned how to be responsible with money while he was gone. Oh, no, of course he didn't.. That's another battle we'll have to fight.

He says that he finally realized what he lost and that he needed to be with his family all along. That no A's are ever going to happen again. Well, this isn't the first time it's happened and I can cross my fingers and *hope*, but habits are hard to break.

Watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS. Things might not be so good in paradise. But you can't trust anything they say. My ex claimed he loved me and was going to end things with OW for 3 years. It was all talk. He just wanted to keep his options open.

Oh, don't worry, I know. I'm just really surprised this stuff is being said to me at all. I was to the point of just letting it go.

Well, WS wanted to go trick or treating with just me and the kids and that's what I was expecting as I pulled over to FIL's house to meet up with him. Now, imagine what I saw: OW's car. She was there.

So, WS comes to help me out of the car and repark it since, well, I'm no good at parking sometimes and I ask him why she's here. He said she insisted. I'm like, "Great, well I'm going to go home now, okay?". I'm really disappointed. He then tells me, "Be nice, she's paying your rent". Oh, so she's paying for WS' time? Awesome. He is majorly PW by this woman. I worry that if his intentions are true about coming back a changed man or what not, he's not going to be able to be rid of her and having anything financial over our heads isn't going to help anything.I need to tune everything he's saying out of my head and just watch.

I told him, she's not letting you go anywhere by yourself near me because she DOESN'T TRUST YOU. He's like, "I know, I know". I let him know I didn't trust him either and he's like, "Well I won't come back then". No, no silly rabbit, you have to re-earn my trust.

FIL told me he's deep frying a turkey on Sunday and I'm more than welcome to come after I get out of clinicals. OW, her daughter, and maybe her son will be there, too. I'm sorry, I know he's trying to keep a neutral zone, but I am very, very uncomfortable with every little bit of 'hey you're okay after all' OW gets. She knows it, too.

Your FIL has his heart in the right place, but it is very disrespectful to you to have the OW at FAMILY affairs. My in-laws tried that, and I told them thanks but no thanks. I didn't even go to my BIL's funeral because my ex went with the OW. And my BIL and I were close.

I know what you're saying and that's why I did not go last week. On the same token, though, FIL has done so much for me and the kids I feel horrible saying anything about it, although I'm sure he's quite aware of how I feel.

There is just no way you should be asked to play "happy" with OW.

FIL needs to have separate events for you and kids vs. WH and OW.

You need to absolutely stop attending ANYTHING where she is present. I just don't understand why you are so accomodating. ???

Your WH is stringing you along. I don't think he has any intention of ending things with OW. Obviouly Financial Support is a big need of his that only she is meeting.

Get financially independent of him. Take child support only. Don't rely on him for anything else.

UGH. I think your story is more heartbreaking than any other. I don't know how you do what you do....

Gwen, excuse me if I have this wrong..does WH work?
If not, why not? His OW was willing to get you a position at her Hospital. Why can't she work him into the maintenance dept or something?

Seems as though he wants to be with you, if you are going to have a job. If you aren't he starts waffling back to OW.

If I'm wrong on this, I'm sorry, it just seems to me that he is using whichever woman can support him.

Here you were, not even 2 wks post partum, going to clinicals, Bless your heart!!

WH does work and was at his last particular job over a year, but his workplace went out of business about a month ago and he has been having trouble finding a job since. He hasn't asked OW for financial support at all, even though I always said she should pay for his time (haha). She kept offering it to him - I know this too since I've heard her say it, and he told her no. The rent thing was something he did out of desperation since his FIL can not afford to help him out right now. As of last night, I thought she was paying it, but I learned tonight my rent hasn't been paid at all and she's not going to do it. She told him that she was afraid he'd use her and run off. I don't know anymore. Nonetheless, I'm freaking. His unemployment check has been going to the negative fees in the bank and the rest pulled out automatically to pay our loans so we can't pull rent out of there. That's why he wants me to get a job. At this point OW is more than likely going to NOT help me get a job than the other way around.

I don't know what's going on. I'm just really stressed out. Tomorrow I need to not only look for a job, but also try to get my grade appeal to a higher level. My current professor said it's worth a try.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to add that I mentioned as a side note that I sent WS an email (nothing big, just the list of bills and my clinical schedule) and OW freaked out and they got into a big fight about it as she ran on the computer, logged in to his account, and looked for whatever horrible thing I sent him.

Man, this OW.. she's something else.
Someone talked with our cell phone company trying to do something and I think it was her. Anyone knows what this might mean? (I got it in an e-mail, since the phone information comes back to me)

"Thanks again for using My Sprint Wireless.
"Where our customers come first!"

Original Message Follows:
------------------------
Dear Care Representative:

Please manually process this request and let the customer know when it's completed.

Request: suppress call details.
Confirmation number: #######"

Suppress calls? WS says he didn't do it, so you could guess who I think did. Especially considering she is getting angry with him because my address is on all the bills and hers isn't.

She bothers me. Greatly. I feel uneasy, I have all day. My intuition is telling me something is seriously up even though I can't put my finger on it.

Seriously, though, she can't leave him alone for a minute. He's really guarded on the phone when he talks to me. I went over to FIL's to drop off the beer I said I would get for him and WS is there waiting for FIL to come home so they can go out for the night. I'm not even there for 2 minutes and WS drives up in her SUV. Now I get back into the car and my DD8 gets out asking OW why she was here and to go away. OW responds, "I'm here to see my boyfriend". TO MY Daughter. DD8 keeps yelling, "Go away and don't come back!" which I'm responding to her, "That's disrespectful, cut it out". WS gets involved and tells her to stop and I'm just shaking my head, not knowing what to make of the situation. We leave and I tell DD8 that it isn't nice to say things like that no matter how she feels and that OW is an elder and she needs to respect that.

"But Mommy I don't like her!!"

I'm still feeling really, really uneasy. Can I write myself out of the story now?

haha....I give snaps to DD she has got definate fiestiness about her...and kudos to her for standing up for herself about how she feels....To WS and OW the truth hurts....but at least for once it's the truth

The ****** is wrong with everyone in my life? I'm so angry righ t now. I have clinical orientation today at 4 and WS is supposed to be watching the kids (well, 2 of them, one is over at a friend's house). WS and FIL are going on a motorcycle ride and want to make sure that they'll be back in time for me to get to FIL's house. Guess what I get told? OW is taking off her afternoon to be over there to meet me in case they don't get back in time! And they don't get why I'm mad about it. I don't want her near my kids without WS around at the least and I certainly don't want to go anywhere alone with just her. Such blatant disrespect. I plan to tell them all about myself when I get over there. Neutral zone or not! I am not a doormat. They make it so I have no choice, that's why I have to deal with OW. It's either do it the way they want or no nursing school for me because they tell me this crap at the last minute so of course I can't make plans to do anything else. Grrr! Of course, when I say something both FIL and WS make me feel like crap saying they just won't go. I'm like, "No, just go. I'll get over it".

FIL told me that I need to focus on school and that they won't go if I'm going to be angry about it. I'm already angry. This is all ridiculous.

Why do you feel like crap when FIL says they just won't go. That was the only logical solution at the last minute and it was a reasonable one. One response would have been to smile when he said that and show genuine appreciation for the suggestion and then agree with it!!!!

Nothing wrong with them staying at home if they truly think they won't be back in time to watch the kids. Your desire to not have OW around you and yours is a good and reasonable boundary. Nothing wrong with them just staying at home! You can't make everything perfect for them and still stay true to your own legitimate needs.

Well, what's new?

FIL told me OW is his friend now.
I say that could never be, not for me. Even if she wasn't boinking my husband. I don't make friends with people who would do that to a family. And that is that.
Friends? I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.

FIL told me he will always love me and the kids and we'll always be family. I'm like, "So, is OW going to be family, too?".. He tells me he can't be nasty to anyone. It's not .. nasty I'm asking for, it's common sense. Why do people treat OW as a victim? She has a brain. She can make her own decisions.

I haven't been in plan A or plan B, maybe in plan 'I need a therapist' I need a plan. Maybe I'll run away to Trinidad and Tobago. I'm just so depressed. Everyone, especially FIL, tell me to concentrate on school.. but look, all this going on and I get the eviction notice on my door yesterday and it's just too much.

FIL is helping me pay the rent.. there's not much I can do. I don't have a job, WS is .. actually I don't know what he IS doing. All those words about wanting to come back and now he says he'll come talk to me and now he doesn't even have 5 minutes to talk. Every time he sees me in person he tells me everything is going to be fine and to be patient. I know the look on my face has got to be, "Hey buddy I know I'm being led on. Cut it out".

Dear Gwyn,


The lunatics are running the asylum, no wonder you feel crazy!

Gwyn, I'm wondering why you do not ask your family for financial help to get an atty? You truly are in need of protection for yourself and your children.

There are many BSs on these boards who will tell you LONG stories of being effectively replaced, in their own lives, by an OP ... and the family enabling that situation (rather readily, in this case a matter of months?)

This situation is more than cake-eating ... it's your husband fundamentally creating a world in which he has two wives, one who produced children and one he sleeps with, and the rest of the in-law family accepts it?!?! This is not Saudi Arabia! He does not get multiple wives!

Gwyn, so many people have told you to get an attorney to secure your rights, even though you have not done so, that I feel a little silly mentioning it again, but an attorney could ensure that you are protected in many ways that seem impossible to you now!

Aren't there some experts in FLA law on these boards who will step in and motivate Gwyn to finally get legal assistance!

Otherwise, apparently you think this situation is tolerable, since you do nothing to end it?

From the ever-ingratiating and nerve-grating ... Sweet

Girl, you have truly been through so much and have managed to keep your sanity in a obviously insane situation. What your husband and OW are doing to you and the children are beyond words. I commend you for how you have held it together, but I wonder the same thing why are you not leaning on your own family for more support?
As long as you are in this situation where you need FIL and WS to help you I am afraid you and your children will continue to be subjected to this mental abuse and games your husband and OW are playing.
Right now you are in no position to make any demands or make any changes and that is why your feelings have not been taking seriously. I think the best thing to do is plan b, get a job, file for legal seperation and start taking control of your life. They justify how they treat you because nothing has changed and despite how you feel about your kids being around OW it continues to happen because you need them to watch the kids.
I would really consider postponing returning to school unless you have more support from your own family. Right now it is very important that you become more independent so that you can stop these games that your husband is playing.
I just cant imagine what this is doing to you emotionally,physically, and mentally. My heart goes out to you and your children.

Kudos to you for not putting a boot in someone's eye...they certainly deserve it.