i do want to state for the record, however, that concerning the week he spent up here. i don't want to bash him about that. he did apologize to me for how it went and i know he even prayed at the altar at church about it. so i know he feels badly. however, my conern is, how do i know that, when under stress, that stuff might not happen again? i am sure this is all stuff he works on in therapy.

but, instead of addressing it immediately and saying "hey, this is NOT ok" i just very quietly let it go. and THAT is what i need to work on. i should have nipped some things in the bud early on. but, again, i was afraid if i enforced boundaries or if i spoke up, i would lose him. i have got to stop thinking that way. if i enforce boundaries or i speak up and i lose someone over it, than they shouldn't have been there in the first place. i have got to stop being so darn scared all the time.

it is NOT all about gekko, i have my stuff i need to work on too, BIG TIME. i did not do our relationship any favors by not enforcing my boundaries and by not speaking up at times.

we really should not be in a serious relationship with anyone right now at all. will he start dating again right away? who knows. i can't control what he does. he says not, but who knows. i know i won't be. it is about the last thing on my mind.

i do feel he takes the advice of others sometimes instead of trusting his own feelings and that makes me sad. i know there were some who weren't supportive of us and an ldr and you know what i say to that? they have no business saying anything because they have not walked in our shoes. unless you have been in an ldr you have no input to give in my opinion. they can work and do work many times. i had some naysayers in my circle but i follow what i want to do. than i have no one to blame but myself if it doesn't work out. let them say what they wanted but bottom line is i know no one in my circle who has been in an ldr so their views were pointless to me. don't give advice on something you have not lived.

mlhb

Post deleted by mlhb

You know can I just say you cannot knock yourself for trying.. I am almost divorced five years and still afraid to date pretty much.. .my ex has had a bunch of relationships but of course he has way more practice at it he was doing while we were married but hey at least you gave it a go.....you were not afraid - you learned to love again that should make you feel somewhat better.... any relationship is hard as I am sure a ldr is even harder not being able to see each other all of the time you know.. I have never had one... but maybe in time you two can talk again as friends even if it is just email.... You have to worry about yourself now not him.... dont stress trying to figure out what he is doing just work on yourself... Have a great time at the fair.....

that's what i have a therapist for... she helps me figure out the hard stuff!

mlhb

i put everything into god's hands too.
if he wants us to be in eachother's path we will be.

I'm really sorry.......I know you're all over the place w/ your emotions and it'll be that way for awhile. I think you've got some great insight into YOUR part of the sitch and that's all you can really focus on right now and learn and grow from that.

I've got a really great book recommendation for you. Another eye opener for me.

IN THE MEANTIME : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant. Buy it today. Trust me.

gekko was your meantime and you will think back and thank him for it.

If you ever want to talk, just drop me a line. I've been where you are at.

eternalsunshine12768@yahoo.com

HUGS!

But the issue isn't the distance really mlhb, is it? Go back an re-read your last few posts.

i may email you.. thank you for the offer. it is very hard right now.

the distance is only part of the problem.
distance is hard but it can work if both people want it to. those ldr articles i found prove that. financially, it was hard. we were not real careful with the amount we were spending this past year and for us to continue we would have had to cut way back. BUT, i had a plan for that.

bottom line is i know exactly what i want and was willing to do whatever it took for that. he, by his own admission, is not sure what he wants anymore. sometimes he wants us, sometimes he wants us and is willing to do anything for it, and other times i think he is tired and frustrated and doesn't have the energy it takes. he has a lot to work through right now in therapy (again, his words) and doing that and putting the work into us is not possible.

i can multi task and do many things at once really well. i could work on me and work on us and have the next 6 months planned out no problem. good old type A. i saw nothing that was not workable. NOTHING. the only major issue was bringing my kids there. and yes, i think i downplayed how hard that was going to be because yes, my ex would have fought me. and my kids would have had to adjust to a big move like that. and i know gekko would have felt awful if my kids hated it down there, etc... that is a lot of weight to bare. that was the only thing i saw as something that would have been pretty big to deal with. anything else, not huge. we could have easily worked up a schedule for once a month visits, could have made it cheap by me getting the tickets (i get a student discount) and us staying at eachother's houses, we could have kept going out costs down, etc... to have a dating relationship was totally possible and attainable. my ONLY requirement after a year of dating was that it be exclusive. and that never used to be a problem but was questionable now that it might be...
well, after a year together i need that. i cannot compete with someone who lives down there period.

anyway, i am rambling.
had to let the dogs out so i checked in.
thanks for your replies.

mlhb

ok, no more unhappiness on my happy thread!

i have therapy tomorrow so i will vent to her.

going to the fair today with kids, they are excited. me? not so much LOL but i will survive...

down 27 pounds now...
guess this is now the breakup diet... works almost as well as the infidelity one does... :-(

happy happy happy
mlhb

my music ministry:

ok, a quick plug...

i have just finished a 4 song cd that i intend to get out to churches (i sing christian cotemporary) so that i can start singing where ever i am taken and asked. it would probably be an hour long performance with ministry involved.

if anyone would like a free copy of this cd for their church with information about my coming there to sing please email me at my email address in my sig line. i will travel anywhere!

thanks, plug done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

wow - way to go! i saw references to your music ministry in earlier posts but wasn't sure what that involved. sounds like you are making good steps forward focusing on God and your children.

hugs ((((((MB))))))

Just catching up after a few days away. Sorry to hear the developments.

There's a lot to process. I've been in those situations where I am the ultimate giver. There's just nothing I wouldn't give to make it all work. I'm trying to change that -- its an element of co-dependency. (I know thats something you are exploring in therapy...)

Just (((hugs)))

Post deleted by mlhb

mlhb:

I wanted to add my congrats [on your weight loss], and say that I am also sorry to hear about your news.

Gosh I remember the pain of a broken relationship like it was yesterday. Hurts like crazy! and then some!!
It sounds like you're doing the right things. I encourage you to keep doing for your kids and yourself.

There are no short cuts to the pain, but time does help.

K!

gosh karona, so good to hear from you!

it does hurt. i am angry too. i really agreed with that fresh start. i am not sure why he offered it and wanted it so badly then changed his mind. i never really got a clear cut answer on that.

i think it is ok for me to be angry about it. hard part is i am angry and yet terribly in love with him. i'd give anything to be going on that weekend. i'd give anything for us to at least be able to talk in person. i hate having these conversations over the phone. i think, if nothing else, we owed it to ourselves to have that weekend to at least talk face to face. i still hope we may be able to that but who knows. after over a year together, i think we should talk face to face. that is just my opinion.

thank you on the weight loss. i have been plugging way since may. for me, and honestly, i wanted to look the best i could for my guy too. i guess now it is totally just for me. haven't really been able to eat much since this weekend either. so a few more pounds fell off pretty quickly. but, i will be back into the clothes in my closet in no time now. for that i am psyched! i can compete with any 20 something any day of the week then! HA!

how have you been karona??? i have missed you.

mlhb

well, i am getting ready to head to bed.
guess this has gone from my happy thread to my reality thread. i think that is ok. and i promise not to delete this one LOL

well, to add to my happiness my stupid dog, no, make that my exes stupid dog just got out so i am going to have to get in the car and go and get him. grr... i love how he just left all his "stuff" behind and i have to deal with it on a daily basis. 2 years later and his crap is still in my garage and i am paying for his 2 dogs, one of which has to be put down at the end of the month. think he helps me to pay for them? nope.

anway, i am very emotional this evening. i am just going with it. if i need to cry, i cry now. i don't hold it back.
i just re-read the email i sent gekko on sunday. i wish i had stopped to think before i wrote it and hit send. altho there were many things in it that needed to be said, parts of it i said were in the heat of the moment, out of anger and frustration. the total beginning of the email was a crock. i was just angry and said it. whining about how i was angry at myself for falling in love with him and that it never would work because of my kids. wtf? my kids were actually looking forward to seeing down there. my kids have actually been quite upset over this break up. they really liked gekko and my dd has been bummed she will never see his dd again. my kids would have adjusted fine being away from their father because they hardly ever see him now anyway!

i hate it when i write and send things that are truly just reactionary. i usually can stop myself before i become reactionary. but sunday i could not. and i said a lot in that email that i didn't mean. and there is no way to take it back now.

what a mess.

good nite.
mlhb

mlhb,

I'm sorry too about things.So much for no guy talk....sheesh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I hope a good nights rest will help you feel better. I haven't been sleeping at all lately so if you're up later....log on and maybe we can chat. I may just take a few more Benadryls than usual to try and knock myself out tonight.

Here's to a better tomorrow~

benadryl huh?
wanna know what i took the other night to sleep?
all i had dramamine! i had it in my purse from my last trip to atlanta (have to have it to fly) and i was like, oh yea, i have that whole thing of dramamine. it knocks me out. i had to take 2 but it worked.

i wonder if he is hurting as much as i am? you just wonder these things ya know? i know how much i love him. i know how much i don't want to be with anyone else. i have no interest whatsoever at even looking at another man let alone dating them. i was really happy. he is not totally cold and heartless so he must be feeling something but i wonder if he is feeling the loss that i am?

get some sleep ab! we are going to plan an albany get together for sure. we can all split the cost of a room, the hilton garden was very nice. maybe we can do a weekend of it. i am pretty flexible just don't want to do it in the snow. i say sometime in september. lets do it!

mlhb

a big thank you to dukhnter for the IM chat last night. i appreciate the friendship.

well, i am off to see my therapist THANK GOD because i am NOT doing very well today. i hate to admit that but it is true. then off to work. then church tonight and then go walking after church.

geez, if nothing else i will just obsess about continuing to lose weight LOL, at least it keeps my mind occupied.

thanks to all of you for listening and supporting and comforting.

later friends.

AB, if you ever want to IM my yahoo IM ID is mboyea2

mlhb

just came from therapy. i will post about it later when i have time. just want to say MY PITY PARTY ENDS NOW. she is brutally honest with me, that is why i like her,she sugar coats NOTHNG>

and i have to stop blaming gekko and having this pity party.

i will explain later....

but i have been quite wrong as well.
and i have to own that.

and no more whining.

mlhb

ok, i have time now.
so basically i feel a bit like a whiney a** right now. and that is basically what my therapist said. she told me to STOP blaming gekko as he is NOT responsible for MY happiness and that i am saying i don't get it and i am confused and boo hoo when i reality yes i do get it. (damn she is good).

she was very blunt with me today. and that made me cry more because she is right.

basically, i have NOT been listening to gekko at all and i finally got that to click today. he has told me before that i don't listen BUT it didn't click. he has been telling me loud and clear by his actions and his words that he is not ready for a relationship with anyone right now. that he thought he was and we went along for awhile, but he sees that he has a lot of work to do and he wants to do it. his vascilating is his own confusion in this as i am sure he does have feelings for me but he knows he is not ready. and what i heard when he said this was that he was rejecting ME, that he just didn't want to be with ME, that something is wrong with ME. and i have been scrambling to show him ways to fix us and showing him ways that WE can work when he is not ready for WE. OMG, why didn't i hear what he was really saying? well, because that meant i had to give up all control. that means i might have to feel some hurt. that means that there is the tiniest possibility that i might not be with him again or hear from him again when that is not what he was saying at all.

it has NOTHING to do with me! i actually finally heard that today. it is HIM and he even said that to me but i refused to hear that. yes, if he was ready and we were both healthy right now, yes this would work. BUT, we are not in a position to be doing that right now.

i feel like such an a**. i have been whining and crying on here like i don't understand anything when if i really looked inside me, yes i do. so don't feel sorry for me anyone. gekko has not done a thing to me at all. he has been pretty clear what he feels for me and that he is trying to take care of himself right now.

and i have been selfish and scared and feeling out of control. making way more out of it than it actually is. it is actually pretty simple.

so if gekko is reading this, i do apologize for my whininess on here the last few days. and i finally get it. and if anything i have said to you has been hurtful it was coming from that scared place inside of me and i apologize. i finally get it now.

so no more whining, no more crying. no more beating myself up wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to continue this relationship right now. there is nothing wrong with me, and he is just trying to take care of himself and get healthier. simple as that.

that email i sent him, there were things that were said that should have been addressed (like money and some conversations) but other than that, i feel like i was just coming from a place of total fear and anger. and those were my gut reactions coming from feeling completely rejected. when that is not the case at all.

i wish i had talked to my counselor before i ever had sent it.

so that is that.
no more sadness. no feeling sorry for me. i am responsible for my own happiness period. and it has nothing to do with gekko. my therapist actually sided with him on quite a few things today because he has been being very clear and very honest and i didn't want to hear it because all i heard was i was being rejected and what is wrong with me. wow, i need to work on that.

it comes from my upbringing and a very bad marriage.
and the things that have been happening between gekko and i are not necessarily bad things because they are making us look deeply into ourselves and get healthier so we don't bring this into our relationships.

i feel so badly for not hearing that and seeing that. really badly for some of the things i said out of pure reaction. i hope he can forgive me for that.

lets bring this back to a happy only no man talk thread. i'll leave the whining for my therapist who will than smak me real hard and put me back into reality.

i am so thankful i went back to her!

mlhb

jp, i won't be needing that commissery session anymore.
no need for it.
it's all good now, at least for my understanding it is.

mlhb