Mrs. RIF had several ONS, she had a couple of short EA/PA A's, and one long (6-8 mo.) EA/PA...

For me, the long EA/PA was the hardest to deal with. The ONS's hurt, the short EA/PA's hurt... All were very difficult to process and work through... with the long EA/PA taking the longest to work through.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Suzet....your views and opinions are meaningless to me. I have made it clear that many a FWS here are great people...you just are not one of them.
As far as my sins... I have no problem admitting them....but the difference is Suzet...YOU still have not repented from your sin. YOU still live in the sin of adultery since you never made right that which you made wrong. Rif....or anyone else can choose to not like what I say...but in my opinion Suzet, that makes you a bad person. You KNOW what you have done and yet you make a daily choice to let another person be injured at your hand.
This has nothing to do with a view that all FWS are stained...just some Suzet....your stain just happens to be by choice.
And the tough questions... I get them...I answer them...I ask them too. I date Christian women and most are very happy at the stand I have taken for my son. While I did sin...as a non Christian (and anti religion)person... I attempted to right that wrong immediately...he is alive only because of the fight I put up for him.
Suzet, your view about me and pornography is a lie. I do think it is a sin against God and the M ... I just do not believe it rises to the level of infidelity.
As far as genitals...no one expressed concern over the use of those words... it was an action that was the problem. get you facts straight.
Suzet, I wouldn't expect more from someone that on a daily basis makes a conscious decision to hurt another. Sorry if my view of infidelity being more severe when there is sex involved doesn't meet your approval. Frankly, I do not really care.

MEDC, you are entitled to your own opinions, judgments and viewpoints about me but that’s all they are...opinions and nothing more...your opinions only... Luckily you will not sit on the throne when judgment day arrives one day...thankfully you are not God...and since you hold some beliefs that are morally questionable (such as dating married woman who are in process of divorce), you views and opinions are meaningless to me too...

Your behavior and attacks towards me and other people speak volumes about your character MEDC. Be careful not to fell off your high self-made pedestal one day... I asked you straight questions about your view on adultery and unfaithfulness and why you chose to use words that did not include the full spectrum of unfaithfulness (emotional AND physical)...and you turned it around in a full blown attack towards me...

Regarding exposure to the OMW...I did say on the other thread that I know it was wrong not to expose to her...and that therefore the issue still bothers me. I will never view it as a solution to expose against my H’s will and without his agreement. If you view me as a stained, bad and unrepentant person who still live in the sin of emotional adultery because of that...well, as I said, you’re entitled to your own opinions.

But this is the problem MEDC…pornography is infidelity/adultery and a betrayal towards the spouse (just as dating married women is wrong & emotional infidelity/adultery). God clearly state in His Word that if you lust after another woman with your eyes you’ve committed adultery in the heart. Your lack to see that shows that some of your moral values and beliefs are tainted MEDC and that your thinking on moral matters are not so black and white as you claim it to be…

Oh MEDC...and one more thing on porn viewing:

When Jesus said ”anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart”, he was referring to ANY woman (whether the woman is ‘alive’ and/or on the internet/magazine). The fact is, porn women on the internet/magazines are real people who exist – they are just reduced to ‘sex objects’, but the fact is, they ARE real people. So, whether a man commits adultery and being unfaithful to his W in his mind with a ‘live’ or internet/magazine woman, it is still the same and adultery in the eyes of Jesus… Therefore, if a man looks at a porn woman lustfully and imagine/fantasize about sexual encounters with her in his mind, he IS “longing for what is forbidden” and is committing adultery in the mind and therefore an adulterer and unfaithful person in the eyes of Jesus.

If you read about the pain and hurt women whose H’s views porn and lusting after other women goes through, there will be no doubt in your mind that porn viewing, visiting strip clubs etc. DOES rises to the level of infidelity...

Suzet... it only appears to you that I am on a pedestal because you are looking up from such a low, morally indefensible position.

I do not look at all FWS as I do those that choose to keep their victims in the dark. There are a great many here that have earned the distinction of FWS. I do not believe that anyone that has acted the way that you have has in fact earned the F.

It is rather funny having a person that in my yes knowingly sins every single day by CHOICE is going to talk to me about any religious issues. You are a hypocrite beyond measure....and while we are at it, a person that is racist ... and I have seen you make racist references in the past...cannot be walking in the Light.

get your own house in order Suzet before looking at mine. I sin, just like everyone else...the difference is, I try and work on mine... you make sad, pathetic excuses for yours.

bye bye.

MEDC, I will repeat:

I did say on the other thread that I know it was wrong not to expose to her...and that therefore the issue still bothers me. However, I will never view it as a solution to expose against my H’s will and without his agreement. If you view me as a stained, bad and unrepentant person who still live in the sin of emotional adultery because of that...well, as I said, you’re entitled to your own opinions.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Wow...and now I’m being called a racist...you have no end MEDC. What YOU personally view as a “racist references” ??? (whatever that was) doesn’t MAKE it one...again...YOUR opinion and assumption... This comment and assumption of yours is ridiculous and shocking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey MEDC - You never answered my question... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi

RIF

Suzet,

In reading this thread I keep thinking about that thread you had going with Pep. If you are having trouble over this type of behavior towards you now, you hide it well.

It gets easier, eh? Good for you Suzet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are honoring your husband and that is what is required of you where exposure is concerned, and for your marital recovery.

MEDC:

Are you going for threadlock number 6 this year?

"....heck, next thing LG will be chiming in too."

Your right, YOU DO HAVE A DIFFERENT POSTING STYLE.

????

LG

LOL LG,

Posting "Style". What an interesting phrase.

This morning on my way to work... I cut someone off in traffic, turned without using my blinker, and drove 30mph in a 50mph zone so that I could finish listening to a song I like on the radio before I reached my destination. A whole long line of cars formed behind me and boy did they look anrgy. But hey, I wasn't being self-absorbed. That's just my driving "style".

During movies, I like to talk to my friends nice and loud. Rude? Naw! That's just my moviegoing "style".

I love to chew with my mouth open, eat mashed potatoes with my hands and fart at the dinner table. It's not the least bit obnoxious. That's just my eating "style".

And I just love to ridicule, shame, and put down my kids... oh, and call them lots and lots of nasty names... when I think they've been bad.... or if I'm just in a "mood". It's not mean or abusive. It's just my parenting "style".

What a relief to know that I can do and say whatever I want, whenever I want, to whomever I want... all in the name of... "S-T-Y-L-E"!

Love it.

--Cookie

Suzet so You never made amends to the OM's wife?

Wow. My FWW had her affair while she was 3000 miles away but I knew something was wrong.

I couldn't put my finger on it but something was wrong, never did I imagine my wife was sleeping with another man and that she was now POINTING the finger at me for all of our problems.

When she came home things were different. I started to get suspcious but again she denied.

Things were different I thought I was crazy. Not until after I found out she was unfaithful did is stop believing I was crazy.

I am sure every BS felt this way including your OM's wife.

Things were not good while he was with you because of you!!!!!!!

His wife deserves to know why.

AMENDS is up to you. Your husband should know how he felt when he thought things were weird. At least now he knows.

That is my opinion

LOL...great post, SC. Dead on the money too...what everyone around here has been calling "posting style" is really just exactly what you've described...posting in an abusive, attacking, insulting, inflammatory manner intended only to shame the recipient.

Calling it that HAS been successful in letting it continue, however.

Even if it goes against her husbands wishes?

I mean I am all for disclosure to OP' spouses, but when the affair is over and the BS doesn't want it, isn't you first allegance to your spouse?

Not trying to argue, but this confuses me and doesn't really seem to be in alliance with the MB principles.


I think everyone person on this earth has a right to the truth, but her husband must come first. Right?

Weaver,

Personally, I agree with you. Her first allegiance is to her betrayed husband. The people who DON'T agree with you feel that she owes more to the OMW than she does to her BH.

This has been brought up many times. The claim is that this is a MORAL issue, and therefore not subject to POJA with her husband. They also say that this is NOT an MB issue...its a moral one. MB does say to expose to OPS...but there's no CLEAR CUT guidance in writing on this specific subject. When the question has been asked of the H's, the standard response has always been to challenge that the question has been "posed" a certain way to gain the response that the asker wanted.

Others disagree. That's why there's been so many battles on this subject for so long.

Weaver,

If I backed into a car in a parking lot and did damage to the car but nobody saw but my Wife.

I want to get out and make Amends by leaving my information but my Wife's is against it.

Should I get in and drive away even though I know my wifes wishes are wrong?

Sometimes you have to do what is RIGHT even if your spouse disagrees.

We all know that the OM's wife deserves to know. It is right and fair.

Her actions affected her and she should know why her H was the way he was at that time.

I bet if the shoe were on the other foot and the OM's wife found out Suzet's H would be all for finding out from her why she acted the way she did for him during the A.

Again just my opinion.

But that isn't about marital recovery. I don't know if it is the same thing.

If you have ever tried to convince someone who is not an MB person about exposure, well it's a very hard thing to do.

Suzet betrayed her husband, she shouldn't heap more betrayal on him by not honoring his wishes.

I would find a way to convince my husband to disclose to the other BS involved, but I am not in Suzet's marriage.

Because I see Suzet here trying to grow, to learn about marriages, to practice MB, to help others, I will leave this call to her and respect her decision.

Owl,

No it is not a POJA issue or necessarily an MB issue.

To me it is a right and wrong issue. No black, No white.

Suzete-BH I understand your postion but I KNOW it is wrong not to expose.
BH- I don't want you to.
Suzete- Would you want her to tell you if she knew and you didn't?
Would you not want to know why I acted the way I did? Where the money went? Where.....

Wouldn't you want to know that we had problems. I mean if she found out and he broke it off and you didn't maybe I would have found another OM.

She doesn't even know not to keep an eye on him.

Doesn't she deserve that?

BH- I still don't want it.
Suzette- BH I honor and love you but I know it my heart it is right to tell. I need to make amends to this woman.
I hope you understand I couldn't live with the GUILT this is causing me.

I do hope it causes guilt.

Frog...your analogy doesn't quite fit. In the story you provided, your wife wasn't hurt by your actions. You didn't do anything to her, nor are you working in restoring her trust/faith/love in you. The 'amends' you talk about don't apply...because you didn't hurt her.

You DID hurt the other person. You DO owe them amends. While your wife may not agree, going against her wishes in the situation you described isn't nearly the same level of betrayal as going against a betrayed spouses wish in ANYTHING that has to do with the affair. If you disagree with your wife, it's not going to have the same devestating affects on her that in violating an agreemant with a BS about never contacting anyone in that family again.

Two different animals.

Now...if Suzet's husband changed his mind and agreed...she should expose IMMEDIATELY. I AGREE with exposing to OPS...I just don't agree to doing so if its at the expense of the betrayed spouse that YOU are married too. You owe FIRST allegiance to THAT person...not OPS.

I'm sure we'll continue to disagree with this...but I just wanted to show how your comparison in this case really isn't accurate.

Owl

The story was about doing the right thing even though my wife disagrees.

Take her BH's request out of this for a minute.
If suzet came to you and asked if you should tell the OM's wife what would your advice be and why?