My wife sent her NC letter to her affair partner on 05/10/07. I believe she has maintained "No Contact". However, she has been progressively getting worse each week. Here is what she has been doing:

1. Expressing anger
2. Drinking heavily
3. Saying she wants a seperation and that she does not want to work on our marriage.
4. Sleeps in another room
5. Does not wear her wedding ring
6. Barely talks to me
7. Etc

Pretty typical stuff from what I have read on this website.

I am in full swing of Plan A and have been since January. In the early months I was not very good at it. In the last couple of weeks I have been getting much better. Right now she seems to be totally stuck in a state of deep depression and nothing I do helps, in fact I seem to make things worse. Right now I am just trying to stay out of her way and focus on our four kids (11,9,7,5) and myself. However, it is very frustrating for me to not be able to help her get unstuck. Any suggestions out there? or words of advice?

I smell a rat. This is the behavior of a WS who is still in contact. How do you know contact has ended? Is her affair partner married? And if so, has the spouse been notified of the affair?

When you say "no contact," do you mean she NEVER EVER sees him in any capacity? She does not work with him or live nearby, does she?

Unfortunately these are symptoms of a WS who is probably becoming more involved with her A and taking the it deeper underground.

The worst of withdrawal should be over by now if she has been in complete NC since the day you stated above.

Who is OM? Is she transparent with her emails, cell phone, etc.?

When I found out about the affair I think it was one it last leg. We live about 15 min away from the guy and he is married w/ 2 kids. Once the no contact letter went out on 05/10/07 my WW has been very transparent with her email and cell phone. And there was no record of her contact. I also had a credible insider who confirmed that she was not seeing him any longer. However, we got in a pretty good size argument about 1 wk ago and she told me she was changing her pass word on her cell phone so I could not see the calls any longer. At first it pissed me off, but I am to the point where I have decided I cannot control her actions and she is going to do what she is going to do. Oddly enough over the last week she has actually been somewhat coming out of the fog. She is the type of person who hates to have someone tell her what to do or try to control her. It is a major issue with her, which goes back to her childhood. So I currenlty working plan A and observing her behavior. I would just love to get her working on herself and our relationship. Just can't seem to get her off the dime.

Have you exposed to the OM'sW??????

sounds like serious withdrawal...

angry because there is no longer justifiable reaction...

all of it....conjecture....

here's my question...

four darling kids...

have you seen a lawyer to seek full custody with her out of the house...

ARK

Have you exposed the affair to the OMW?


This is the behavior of a ww who is STILL IN an affair, not one who is done. One who is done wouldn't care, but she cares. She resents opening up her life to you, and there is a good reason. She sounds like a WW who is not in withdrawal but who is either still in contact or plans to be soon.

This affair needs to be exposed to the OMW ASAP.

Have to agree with others here.

My WW's A was also "ending" when I found out. Any desire for secrecy from the WS is a sign that contact continues.

Expose to OMW. No warnings, no if you don't end contact, I'll tell OMW's. Just do it and hunker down.

expose, expose, expose.

read here. it sounds like she is still seeing him.

call SH for a plan of action since you have been sort of plan A since January. If you want to remain married, you need to work on the M and protect your kids at all costs.

I am with the others in that she is probably still seeing him or trying to see him (contact him, et al).

Why no response to suggestions that you expose, or re-expose to OM's BW?

fofour,
I think you are getting some good responses. If she is not still in contact with the original affair partner, perhaps with someone else! You KNOW who I am talking about.

Any suggestions anyone on Fofour finding out info re: cell phone for which he does not have a password to check the bill online or check her actual phone? Plan A is not for you to be a doormat and permit continued betrayals. Just as you stood up for yourself regarding the way she talks to you, you need to get her to meet her agreement as to openess re: phone and email. The only reason she doesn't use the computer is because you kept catching her! Actually, I think you should cancel her cell phone unless she agrees to be open with you.

fofour--there is a danger of other activities that she is using to keep herself in the fog, despite her recent glimpses of change. You can not be afraid of her anger that you are "snooping" when it is HER behavior that is CAUSING you to check up on her. She is still NOT trustworthy.

Bumping this up for more replies--fofour post again!

Ah yes. My wife too was a 'person that could not stand being watched or controlled'. It turned out that she was just pissed that I might catch her breaking the NC.

Once true NC was agreed upon and she ended it with the OM (by calling him in FRONT of me and saying adios), there was no longer any problem with me checking on her.

Sorry, but I'm putting my money on the bet that she is still finding a way to contact him. 2+ months of progressively worse withdrawal seems too much to me if this was truly no contact.

Time for a digital voice activated recorder in her car

Thanks everyone for the advice. However, here is where I am. I have been waging this war for essentially seven months with little progress. I need a break for a couple of weeks or so to work on myself, before I start up again. At which point I will broch the subject of the cell phone bill, etc. The thing I have going for me is I have four great kids that my wife does not want to hurt and with the best of her abilities would like to protect. So I have really been focusing on strengthing my relationship with my kids. At some level I am at the point that my wife can either get on my train or she can stay stuck. When I "push" her to get unstuck, she does not respond well. she is just in such a "Foggy" state. I recognize a part of Plan A is expose,expose,expose. However, I think a bigger part is making home a loving and warm place to be,and an acceptable and pleasurable place to be. My previous path of expose,expose,expose was at some level in conflict with a loving home. Thus, the challenge of Plan A. Any suggestions, while a take a breather?

The deal you made with her not to contact OMW if she gave you access to everything is officially broken. She is HIDING, even if there is nothing "harmful" she is still keeping things from you and doing her own stuff on the side.

I know you find it distasteful to check up on her and worry that she will rebel. However, if she were your rebellious teenage daughter, would you check on her activities to save her from getting into trouble? Right now you are the one thinking like a normal person. She is in a fog. CHecking and having the knowledge of what is really going on is NOT exposure. You can keep that to yourself and strategize...

fofour,

I understand the dilemma of trying to make the home inviting while searching for and exposing the truth. The problem is that it is exactly that, the TRUTH.

You no doubt love your wife with all your heart. The problem is that right now she is not your wife but a wayward wife. Whether she currently has contact with original OM or not is not the point. It is her attitude that I refer to. She is thinking like a wayward wife.

She is hiding things from you. She is angry when you attempt to penetrate her fog. She is mad as h377 when you point out that the things she has done and continues to do are tearing the family apart.

Saving a marriage is a noble cause. But a marriage is one man and one woman for life. It is not a man doing all he can to keep from upsetting the woman who is treating him like dirt. Is that how you want to live your life? Failing to stop her from committing adultery and justifying it by saying you are trying to avoid making her angry so she will not leave doesn't make you a husband worth having; it makes you a cuckold.

Somebody's sig line around here says it best. "All carrot and no stick in Plan A makes Jane a Girls Gone Wild kinda girl."

Not exposing the affair to family, friends, co-workers and especially OM's wife avoids making your WW angry, but also perpetuates the fantasy. Exposure to anyone who can bring pressure toward the fantasy and secrecy of the affair will make her as angry as you can imagine in your worst nightmare, but will also shine the light of truth into the darkness where affairs thrive and breed.

OM's wife can be your best ally and your greatest weapon since she can pressure the affair from the other side of the fantasy and can also help ensure NC by looking from her vantage point. It is also the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed, what would you want her to do?

BTW, exposure will make your wife as mad as a crack addict who just watched his stash getting flushed down the toilet. She will say things to you that would make a longshoreman blush. She will claim that she was planning to work on the marriage but you've pushed her too far and now she could never trust you again (That even sounds funny to me). She will tell you that it was none of your business to meddle in OM's marriage. She will say that it wasn't your right to destroy his marriage. Blah-blah-blah fog-filled alien wayward spouse drivel...

Do not confuse snooping to verify NC with invasion of privacy. Privacy is closing the door while going to the bathroom. Privacy is changing clothes alone in the bedroom. Privacy is praying silently. Hiding actions and habits from one's spouse is secrecy, not privacy. Continuing to hide details of one's life that one knows would be upsetting to one's spouse is secrecy. In marriage there is an expectancy of privacy. Secrecy is destructive of marriage since it leads to living a dual life. (the REAL life and the PUBLIC life)

You describe needing a break from dealing with all of this. I suggest that you do just that; take a break from dealing with it. Instead, work on you. Work on the kids. Work on making yourself the best YOU that you can possibly be. Plan a fun FAMILY outing and invite your W. If she goes, you make LB$ deposits. If she does not join the rest of the family, you go have fun without her.

Avoid like the plague discussing, rehashing or reliving the affair. Spend time together doing things she enjoys if possible. At the same time, dig into breaking her secrecy in any way you can and learn the truth for yourself. If you discover that there is broken NC or worse (IMO) a new OM, expose to those that can influence her or cause the affair to suffer.

Again, take a break from trying to solve the marital problems and improve your half of the marriage without expecting anything in return. Do this as long as you can and then show her the door if no effort on her part is forthcoming. Plan A is all about improving yourself and what you have control over. Fixing the marriage is part of recovery. You just aren't there yet.

FWIW, you have related a list of things she has said and done that is per the WS script. You and your wife are unique. Her affair is anything but unique.

Not trying to be harsh, just honest. She sounds like she's either still in contact or has or is looking for a new OM to have a classic exit affair. She's trying to get you to end the marriage because she has decided she wants out. Don't give up hope over this. It is not all that uncommon around these environs.

Cowboy up! Just DO IT! (My apologies to Nike)

Mark

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me the OMW has not even been told? Whyever NOT?? That is just ASKING FOR TROUBLE. Have you really not told the OWH? That is STEP ONE in Plan A, and the failure to do so leaves the door WIDE OPEN for your wife to pursue the OM.

ok, fofour, what is up with this? You HAVE been snooping on her, havent you? It doesn't matter if you "like" to do it or not, you have an OBLIGATION to do so in order to protect yourself. You SHOULD be snooping like a HOUND DOG until she rebuilds trust and it doesn't sound to me like you have been doing that.

If you have not been snooping, then how do you know she is NOT still in her affair?

You should listen to MrWondering.

I was you. My wife was your W. I drug my feet on the snooping issue because I felt bad about it. Well, she cheated anyway even though we have 3 terrific kids and the man she cheated with had 3, all friends with each other, etc. And my W was always a great mother and loves our kids; didn't stop her. She also gave me lines about how she hated 'asking permission', felt violated that I had snooped, needed space to be herself, needed privacy, etc. Now that we're recovering and she has nothing to hide, guess what, its not an issue.

You don't want to let the affair strengthen. A's make people do *crazy* things. Things you would *never* expect them to do. You should find out everything you can and don't let on that you're doing it and don't tell what you find right away either. Act normal but *find out*. Easier said than done, I know.