LOL. Thanks for the encouraging words!!! I only hope my WH feels the same way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Well, you only have a little bit more to go. Hang in there.

Can't wait to see how you did this weekend....my prayers are with you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My WH showed up very late and didn't call or stay. He was getting ANOTHER tattoo. That makes 5 since he's left. He told me the reason why he couldn't call was because they make them turn their cell phone off. But he called OW#1 at 8:30 for a few minutes. SIGH.....

Anyway, he is supposed to spend the night tonight...we'll see. We did get to spend some time alone last night when he dropped by, but he left without giving me the usual hug.

I've read that the reason why some people get tattoos, piercings etc. is that the pain creates endorphins. When a person is depressed (like my WH's doctor thinks he is), their brain doesn't create very many endorphins, so the pain fills the gap temporarily. My WH is aware of this, but he seems disinclined to change his situation and instead opts for a new "relationship(s)" and more tattoos.

Anyway. That's all for today. Hopefully I will have better news after this weekend.

I still think you need to find some way to expose about the OW#2, especially to his family and to OW#1. I understand you want to protect your source (don't want WH to know you have access to his cellphone record) but at some point you've gathered enough info and need to expose. You've already confirmed there are OW, just figure he's going to keep calling them. IMHO you should contact each of the OW and tell them about each other. And I also think you should tell his family about OW#2.

Well...surprise surprise...WH showed up about 2 pm stayed for about an hour and a half..left for an hour came back for 2 hours and then said he "didn't feel like spending the night because HE was in a bad mood".

So really...I am wondering to myself why am I bothering with this. He doesn't enjoy spending time with me (obviously) nor does he seem to have any tolerance for my son at all.

I asked my WH before he left why he was "moody" he said, "you know that I'm moody...that's what you told the OW's XBF". I replied, "well you are at times and you know that". But I didn't say it in a sarcastic or rude way. He gave my a sideways hug and was off. Though you could tell his mood improved considerably after he knew he was leaving.


Does anyone else see any hope in this situation? Because frankly I don't. I'm not sure what else I can do. I've tried to share humorous things with him which he seems to enjoy and I've tried to be fun, flirty, and light and look my best at all times. He just can't seem to stand being in our house. In fact, he said that our house isn't "his" anymore.

I'm beginning to think this whole thing is a lost cause. Before at least he would argue and fight and then try to be nice. Now it's like he can't stand the sight of me and doesn't want interact at all with our DS.

I really don't think he will ever come back because he can't be around anyone (including the OW) for long periods of time. He used to say he missed our DS, now my WH says "maybe I don't like him" and "he's annoying me". I know he tried to pull off the first statement like it was a joke, but I don't think it was.

So any tips or insights here? Does this sound like a typical WH to completely be irritated around his own child?

A response would be greatly appreciated at this point. I'm at a loss for what to do next. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I just got into contact with one of my WH's friends from high school. We all hung out together so he knows me and my WH very well. I asked him about OW#2..I am expecting a call from him soon so we can discuss what my WH told him about our situation.

So far, WH's friend states that we have to completely different "takes" on our relationship (go figure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). I told him I was curious to hear what my WH told him and that I needed to know for my own sake.

Hopefully he can give me some further insight into the fog and what his intentions are with OW#2.

I'm not sure my WH's family would give a rip about OW#2, they seem to be so supportive of him now and haven't given me the time of day. I understand this is to be expected, but it hurts that not one of them has contacted me through this whole thing. Even his mom who was initially angry with him has now been helping him to get an apartment in her complex.

So I don't think there is any point in exposure. It would only be for my own satisfaction to know that OW#1 wasn't the "love" of my WH's life.

Some feedback would be greatly appreciated here.

I talked with WH this am and he's been basically going from our house to OW#1's house everyday. He is mopey and depressed whenever he is here and says he doesn't want to improve our situation. He wants to live alone. I asked him why he acts the way he does when he comes over, and he says he feels "guilty". I asked him what he felt the point of his visits were if they made him feel so bad and he said "maybe I won't come over anymore" and then hung up on me.

So I am seriously considering filing for D next week. Not that I want this, I just feel that he is in a place where he needs to be pushed off the fence. Now is also the best time for me to file since he has not moved into his new place yet. I'm not sure if this is wise or not or if it fits with "Plan A".

Please Please, I need feedback from some people who have been in this situation. My love bank is running pretty low even though I've only been in in a real Plan A for about 2 weeks. My WH will definitely be angry over this since I've told him repeatedly I don't want a D., but I don't see what any of my efforts are accomplishing since he becomes more withdrawn and angry in my presence.

Should I go to Plan B, file for D. or do both or stay in Plan A. and not file? I really don't know what to do.

After my phone conversation with my WH this am, I left him a vm and stated that I did not mean to imply that I wanted him to stay away, only that I wondered why he wanted to come over if his visits made him uncomfortable. I also said if he didn't want to come over anymore, that was his choice and he could e-mail me to let me know when he wanted to visit with our DS.

Two hours later, he showed up unannounced with gifts for our DS. He stayed for 15 minutes gave his presents to our DS, then gave me a hug and said "I can't believe you are going to have another baby" and then left.

So, again. Now I am back in confused mode. I'm trying not to be reactionary with his strange behavior, but it's very hard. It feels like one minute I'm doing a good job in plan A, and then the next minute I'm ready to throw in the towel.

My frustration stems from the fact that my WH says he doesn't know what he wants except he wants to live alone. He won't open up about anything he's thinking (except perhaps he tells OW#1 some of his thoughts). This is my weakness because I can't stand not knowing what he's thinking. I feel like an insignificant part of his life right now and that's very hard to go from being a wife to a stranger in a space of 2 months.

I guess I will wait on the D. until he files in October. And in the mean time, I need to work on my reactions to his fogged out mind.

Believe it or not your WH is acting 'normal', for a WH that is. He's acting pretty whacky... typical. It sounds as if the ambivalence has really got hold of him now, and some guilt too. It also seems as if his infatuation with OW#1 is also wearing off.

Don't pay too much attention to things he says because he's obviously not saying much that's sane right now. Also, he could be trying to get you so upset or angry that you will lash out at him or dump him. This will relieve him of some guilt and of having to make a choice.

I think you shoudl just ignore his fog-babble and stay in Plan A a little bit longer. When you do go to Plan B you want an adequate Plan A as a foundation.

You're doing a great job. Pamper yourself and keep reviewing your Plan A guidelines. Start thinking about Plan B, who will be the intermediary, who will handle getting your son to WH for visitation, etc.

Thank you for your feedback MM. You have been so helpful.

I think he is clinging to OW#1 because he is getting a lukewarm response at best from OW#2. I think OW#2 is a flirt and likes his attention, but has no intention of having an A. with my WH (I've seen pictures of her BF, and my WH does NOT look like her type). He knows that I want reconciliation so he can put me on the back burner so to speak for as long as I will tolerate it.

I learned from our mutual High School friend, that my WH has a crush on OW#2, but agrees that nothing will come of it on her end. He also stated that my WH has been getting drunk at bars off and on (this is a new habit too just like his smoking, frequent tattooing, and A.(s)). It seems he's going through a real rebellious stage.

I think OW#1 might be having some financial problems and may be looking for a new apartment. Her rent was pretty steep from what I understand and I think she was expecting my WH to be her "roommate" and help her with the bills. She may be making a last ditch effort to get my WH to move in with her and has been extra attentive to him lately. That's why he's been with her so frequently and giving us the cold shoulder. He keeps insisting, though, that he just wants to live alone. But I don't really know what will happen.

Anyway, after all the drama this weekend, my WH sent me a TM saying he would bring dinner over. I'm always suspicious when he does something nice for me since he's been pretty awful in this whole thing. I wonder if he has more "bad news" for me and is doing something nice to soften whatever blow he's going to deliver.

I find more and more that it's nicer to have no contact with him whatsoever. I'm actually surprised and a little sad about that. I used to be so upset when he wouldn't call or come over, now I find it's actually LESS stressful when he's gone. I can relax and I don't have to worry about what to say or how to act so I don't "upset" him. My DS seems more relaxed as well when my WH is not here.

Overall, I really think Plan B will be good for me. I just have to find the right person to be the intermediary. My mom would be my first choice, but my WH would not consider her "neutral" at all and wouldn't want to go through her to contact me. He pretty much has shown nothing but disdain for my family and since his whole family has turned their backs on me, I don't feel comfortable with any of them either. I will pray that God will provide the right person. We do have some mutual friends that both of us still talk to, but I don't know if they would feel comfortable in that role.

My main concern at this point is that I would prefer not to have anyone take my DD out in January weather to visit my WH. However, I don't know if letting him come over to visit while I am gone is acceptable in plan B or not. I know in SAA, Jon said Sue could visit the kids in their home but he would not be there. However in Bugsmom's thread, letting her WS into the marital home was discouraged. Any suggestions on this?

Thanks again for your help.

UHHHHGGGG!!!!

So, my WH brought dinner over for us tonight and after we ate, he, my DS, and I were outside. I noticed a work shirt hanging up in his car and made a comment about it. He said he was "thinking about spending the night". I asked "where" and he gave me a look that I took to meant at our house. So I responded "Oh, if you want to".

However an hour later he left...so I guess he meant he was going to spend the night at OW#1's apartment. AAAAAHHHH!!! I feel like such an idiot. Am I supposed to pretend I don't know what he's doing? Is plan A about acting ignorant of his lies or am I able to ask questions? I'm so sick of being used as a "pit stop" for my WH to hang out at until his GF's DD goes to sleep so they can "visit". I just feel so foolish for thinking that he ever does anything for anyone other than himself.

I think I will have to move up plan B to November. I figure my WH will have filed for the D. by then so all of the temporary legalities will be in place and support and visitation will be established. That will mean that I at least tried to Plan A for 3 months. After that, I won't have to put up with his sneaky disgusting WH behavior anymore.

Any thoughts about this or the above question regarding allowing the WS in the marital home for visitation while in Plan B?

Bump for feedback...?

I notice that not very many people chime in on my posts even though I ask for feedback. Is that because my situation seems hopeless or for some other reason? I don't mind negative feedback if I'm doing something wrong, but getting none at all is really difficult for me.

I would really appreciate some help here if possible. Or if someone could point me to a thread that answers some of these questions that would be fine too.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Saralynn77,

I am still struggling through my own situation and don't feel qualified to advise you at all.

I just wanted to post to encourage you that you are not alone. I have been through many ups and downs since April, and H just left for the 2nd time.

I feel I can Plan A no more and will go to Plan B in about 2 weeks. I am looking forward to the break.

Hang in there. Keep bumping if you have to. I remember several days where it seemed no one was posting to me and I was feeling so desparate at the time. Just keep coming here and posting.

I've not followed your thread...I'll go back and re-read as possible.

Have you followed a standard plan A? Exposed, etc...?

How is WH 'suffering the consequences' for the affair? What's going on to make him want to end the affair? It sounds as though you're letting him set the stage here for everything.

Perhaps you need to make yourself LESS available to him? I'm not saying plan B yet...but see what his response is if you say "not tonite" with no explanation?

Thank you SMB for your reply. I'm sorry you are going through this too. It really is the most difficult situation.

Do you feel any hope that your WH is capable of working on your marriage if he returns? That's my struggle at this point. I don't know that even if my WH wants to come home, he would be willing to do what it takes to make our marriage "affair proof".

I can totally see your point about Plan B. It will be nice to avoid the stressful interactions. I will check out your thread and offer what support I can. Thank you for caring.

Thanks OWL for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I have exposed to everyone who could make a difference. The A. is ongoing.

I am confused about how available to make myself. My WH comes and goes as he pleases, shows up when he wants and leaves when he wants. He doesn't ask what plans I have, but feels that he's entitled to see his son whenever he wants. Though his visits are frequent (daily), they are very brief. He also does not take our DS out of the house and doesn't like it when I'm not here during his visits.

I agree, I need to make myself less available. Today, I feel no desire whatsoever to talk with him. He's called on my LAN line, sent an e-mail, and a TM, but I haven't responded. I'm not trying to make him angry, I just don't have the energy today to interact with him. The problem is that I read in SAA that the BS is supposed to avoid any behavior that "upsets" the WS. If I make myself less available or put limitations on my WH's visits to our home, he gets angry.

The only consequences he is experiencing for the A. so far are financial and the disapproval of a few of his coworkers. He continues to pay the bills at home, and has little for himself (though that doesn't seem to inhibit his spending as he's already purchased a new laptop and spent over $600 in tattoos since June).

His family has basically given him a free pass about this and he doesn't keep in contact with any of our old friends. So aside from a strained work environment and lack of funds there's nothing else putting pressure on the A.

I'm not sure what boundaries I can set that won't make him angry. Like I said, if I limit his visitations, he gets upset and starts threatening me about things (i.e. if you don't comply with my demands...I will punish you financially).

Is there anything else I can do? Thanks again for your help!

Yes, get an attorney, get a LSA or temporary order to establish finanicial responsibility, keep paramour from being around children, child support, spousal support,to document for court the strained relationship and your upcoming pregnancy and how it is to be handled and lastly and immediately upon completion of the above going to Plan B,

I think you are doing fine. You might start making yourself unavailable though. Go to friends, take your son to the park, go to Walmart, for a walk, do something. You are making yourself too much of a door mat. Be gone.

If it makes him angry, too bad. He is not spending time with you. But don't tell HIM too bad, just smile and say you needed to get out for a bit.

[/quote]

Yes, get an attorney, get a LSA or temporary order to establish finanicial responsibility, keep paramour from being around children, child support, spousal support,to document for court the strained relationship and your
upcoming pregnancy and how it is to be handled and lastly and immediately upon completion of the above going to Plan B, [/quote]

Thanks H&P for your suggestion. I have an attorney and I would seriously like to get CS/SS in action. My only problem is that a LSA costs the same amount as a D, so my attorney advised against it and said I should go ahead and file for the D instead. Since I have no job and will have to borrow the money for either the LSA and the D, it seems like a waste of money to do both since my WH stated he has an appointment with his attorney on October 23rd to file.

(Also, I can't stop my DS from being exposed to the OW. My attorney said unless they are acting "inappropriately" i.e. in a sexual manner in front of my DS, I can't stop contact even if they live together (I was VERY upset to learn that)).

I agree with you that getting a LSA and going into a seriously dark plan B is the logical answer. I have been giving this serious consideration. But I feel like if I stick it out for 7 more weeks, my WH will have filed and I can counter file without having to borrow an extra $3600. As soon as the D is underway, I can go into plan B and it will be a welcome relief.

I was hoping for some pointers on my plan A since I will probably only be able to keep going on it up until the CS/SS gets established. After that point, a visitation schedule will be set and I won't have to put up with my WH's self-imposed visitations anymore.