I know what you mean about the A. It really is a ridiculous relationship. But I think my WH has other issues besides the A. He is rebelling against every moral principal he once held dear. Whether this is a symptom of the A. or the cause is hard to guess.

I don't think he will come home until he is completely broken and humbled to the point where he can acknowledge that he made a very cruel decision and is willing to make just compensation. I don't know if my H. was ever capable of doing that and the WH certainly isn't.

So I hold out little hope for him returning. God would have to do a major work in my WH's life and he would have to be open to being "worked on" by God.

I think that it will take several years for his "ah ha" moment to occur, but by then it will be too late. These are my own personal thoughts about the situation, though I know God can do all things.

I just feel that I'm supposed to do everything possible to save the M. if I can. I'm not perfect and I don't do everything right, but I want to think that I at least tried to do what I could.

It sounds as if your WH already realizes the A is going nowhere but is too stubborn or (false) prideful to admit wrong. Also, he certainly seems interested in keeping you in his life BUT minus the committment. (Friends with benefits?)

Continue with Plan A a while longer. Sometimes be available to him and pleasant (the carrot of Plan A) but don't allow him to just drop by anytime he wants AND stop telling him where you're going.

In a sense you are still very much accountable to him in a way he should not feel entitled to until he ends the A and recomits to the marriage. Instead of telling him that you were going somewhere if he didn't come by soon you should have just gone (IMHO). And then I would not have let him know where I had gone to after dropping son off at Grandma's.

I don't think the e-mail conversations with the male friend is a wise idea. These things tend to 'evolve'... Plus you're shooting yourself in the foot with your 'none of your business' remarks. You basically admitted/volunteered to him that you are becoming involved with an OM, looking for an OM, which he will turn around to object to any monitoring of his A's now. IMHO it would have been better to just start making yourself unavailable sometimes without actually doing anything inappropriate and without telling him anything. And then when he asks just don't give him any info unless he's ready to end A and fully commit. It sounds as if he thinks what he's doing is OK, and you can do it too, as long as you both are open about it?

Thanks MM for your reply. I really do appreciate it.

I did expect criticism for mentioning my male e-mail friend. But the way it came out was because my WH was asking me if I met any guys because I made the comment that I wanted to get remarried. I said I had FRIENDS, I never implied a BF. I tried my best to explain that friendship was the only motive. When he asked me, I felt that I should be honest with him about my friend being a guy. Maybe I should have just refused to answer that question too. But he sees any reluctance to answer his questions honestly as "lying" (the irony is not lost on me either, believe me). So that explains his response to my e-mail that we have both "proven" that radical honesty isn't possible.

I know the very fact that I have a male friend who I e-mail probably isn't wise, but not because I am in danger of having an A with him BECAUSE I AM NOT. I have NEVER felt that way about him and don't feel that way now. I simply contacted him so that I could find out what my WH told him in regard to why we "split up". I just should not be e-mailing him as frequently as I am. The reason I do, is that I'm sort of lonely and don't have as many girl friends as I'd like, but I that is going to change. I spoke with one of my good friends from work last night and we are going to set up play dates for our children and talk. God really does take care of us when we need it.

My WH won't feel in danger of losing me just because I'm not available to him and I don't tell him where I go, he will only feel in danger if he thinks someone else likes me. That's why he had such a strong reaction when the OW's XBF called me so frequently and a guy friend from work called me. Both times this happened my WH accused me of "F'ing" them and asked me if I was falling in love with the OW's XBF. Totally whacked out questions considering he was the cheater, but he was angry and asked them nonetheless. That's why he got so weird when he found out I have a guy e-mail friend.

My WH has never volunteered information about his A. unless HE wants to. I can't get him to answer anything that he doesn't want to answer. So it's not as if he feels that now he won't have to tell me anything about it because I have a guy friend too. He lies to me all the time and I know he's lying...he also omits a huge amount of information about what he's doing..so he's never been an open book about his A.

I don't even think it lessens his guilt about what he's doing, it just makes him angry. He might use it as an excuse to do something in his mind, but he knows it's an empty one. E-mailing someone and sleeping with them are quite different and he knows that.

I agree that he is stubborn. My feeling is that he thinks things are so damaged that they will never be the same between us. He doesn't feel the same way about me either, though he is attached to me because we've been together for so long. I think he feels that he's crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. So while he probably doesn't have any real hope for his relationship with OW#1, he thinks if it ends, he will just "date" and remain single for the rest of his life.

I can't convince him that our marriage is salvageable. He doesn't (or refuses to) believe that. He will not come back to the marriage, IMO because of his pride and refusal to make amends. He would rather just ignore what he's done, but even he can't do that, so I am probably headed for divorce. I'm very sad about that..even cried over that realization last night. But there's nothing I can do to change it. No amount of convincing can fix this. I just have to stand back and let it happen. Only God can help him now.

So, I have taken your advice to heart and informed my friend that I do not think it's a good idea to continue e-mailing him while I'm still married.

If my WH makes any further comments about my "friend" I will inform him that I decided it wasn't right to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex while I am married and so I have cut off contact with him. If he makes some snide comment about us getting divorced, I will simply say that until we are, I will continue to honor our marriage.

Thanks for the advice, though. I think it was good for me to read.

Ok. So I basically told my WH I'm done. I can't continue to do this any longer. He comes over and pretends like he's my friend (even asked me to make him his favorite dinner tonight and I did). He says he has a condo lined up for October 1st and informed me that he NEVER had any intention of working anything out with me. He wants to be with OW#1 and is only sad because he won't see his DS and DD.

He said he was sorry if he ever gave me the false impression that he was willing to work on our marriage. His previous comments about wanting to stay married to me in an "ideal world" were contingent upon his feelings to do so. Since he has absolutely no desire to stay married to me, his words were basically said due to the guilt he felt about admitting to the PA.

So I am contacting my attorney tomorrow to get a first available to file for Divorce. I told him I can't see him under these conditions knowing that I still love him and he is committing adultery and has no intention of ending his relationship. I told him that I can no longer stand to have him come over here every night and then go see the OW. I also said that we could not be friends under those circumstances.

So basically I verbalized the plan B letter, even though I will be filing for D. I just can't cope with this any longer. I am not emotionally strong enough to endure seeing my WH everyday knowing his feelings for me are gone and he is using our home as a waiting area before going to the OW's apartment.

I informed him that we will need to set up a visitation schedule for our DS and he can no longer come over and spend time with him here. I also told him that when DD is born, he may come over for short visits to see her, but that I wouldn't be here while he does. He said that wasn't "fair" and I said that he has no room to complain because it is his choice to break up our family. If he can't see the children as much as he'd like, those are the consequences of his actions.

I am considering going through mediation with my WH just to speed up the process. I can't stay married to him knowing what he's doing and having him tell me that he's been very clear on what his feelings toward me are. WH fogginess or not, I would be foolish to continue to have hope in this situation and I just want out as quickly as possible.

I commend the rest of the ladies on here for their endurance and emotional strength to be able to stand for their marriage in the face of such an overwhelming obstacle. You are all strong and amazing people for doing this. I especially commend those people who were able to go through the Plan B portion as well. I will be in plan B, but not to save my marriage. It will simply be for my own emotional wellbeing.

God Bless you all and thanks for the advice. It did help me to get through almost 3 months of this awful experience.

saralynn, I'm at the same place. I just want a divorce, and I try to have as little contact possible w/ WH. Don't want him back, even if he was begging, and he's not.

My WH tries to pretend like he's not a cheater and there's no one else in the picture. He can't be honest about anything.

I couldn't do a Plan B, either. I just need it over. He's had 13 years of me, and that was 13 too long. My only regret is that didn't get out of this marriage sooner.

Yes, I think we all know when we have had our fill. Isn't it a tragedy to be with someone for so long and have them discard you so easily? I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that. Even though I basically can't stomach the sight of my WH, I still have love for him and I could never do that to him. Do you have children with your WH?

Much to my amazement, though, I am STILL hesitant to actually file. But when I talk to him, it's just so heart breaking to know that he uses me and feels no remorse about it whatsoever, I can't do plan A anymore. I will continue to pray for his salvation, though.

I may just plan B him until he files...But I'm going to plan B no matter what. Like I said, I have no hopes that this will actually save my marriage, it is for my own well being.

I think it will be far more comforting for me to pretend he doesn't even exist than to be the friendly little co-parent that he wants me to be. I can't believe that he thought that after all he's done to me, I would simply accommodate him in the divorce by agreeing to whatever he wanted, allow him to "visit" our DS whenever he feels like it and stay just long enough for the OW's DD to be safely asleep so he can go spend some "quality" time with her, feed him his favorite dinners whenever he asked etc.

I think a person would be crazy to expect that just because you are their children's father, they can treat you however they want, destroy your family, betray you and then turn around and expect you to put up with it.

Even the state doesn't require that I see his face everyday. Every other weekend is the normal visitation. If he wanted to see his children more often, he would have stayed home and worked on our marriage. These daily 2 hour visits are a joke. He doesn't even visit with our DS. He just eats dinner and hangs out. It's time for a reality check.

I am going to do the blackest plan B ever known to man. Like I said, I don't think this will have any affect on him other than he will see how convenient I have made it for him this whole time. At least for the next month (if I choose not to file and allow him to in October), he will have experienced life without me before he's actually begun the process.

He will not be allowed to visit me at the hospital to see our DD. He doesn't deserve to. He can visit her at our home after ward and I will have my Grandmother be the intermediary while I stay behind closed doors.

I've been thinking about plan B for some weeks now and planning every little step. It was the only thing that got me through some of the days where I knew that he was here laying on our couch eating the food I made while he was waiting until he could get his OW fix. Let the OW make him food, be his company, fulfill all his ENs. I'm bowing out.

We have 2 kids. Almost 13 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. WH is a military reservist who has been working at a base 7 hours away. He does see the kids every other weekend. I let him stay at my house to see them, because I don't want him to take them to where he's living because of the other woman. When he's here I stay w/ family. My bags are already in the car when he gets here, and most of the time we don't say anything to each other.

I asked him if he ever considered taking an overseas assignment. I know my kids would miss the little bit of time they get w/ him, but I like the idea of him being out of the country. lol

It is easier to try to pretend like he doesn't exist. If I think too much about everything, it's just too much to handle.

The distance has been such a blessing. I don't have to worry about seeing him everyday, or running into him and the OW.

I don't see that anything I do has any effect on him. But you never know what God is doing in someone's life. Maybe it's time for us to step out of their lives, as much as can be. I pray for WH's salvation everyday. But God loves us too much to require us to stay in these situations.

I agree with you about distancing ourselves from the situation. Every time my WH talks about his new place, the OW or when I know he's going to visit her, I just feel like it's D-day all over again. I can't keep doing this.

Our WH's are similar in that nothing seems to have any affect on them. I know that plan B will show my WH exactly how much I've been accommodating him and he will resent me for not "cooperating", but for my own sanity, I can't keep seeing him all the time. I have no hope that having zero contact with him will make him come begging for my love, but it will show him exactly what life as a single dad will be like without me there to hold his hand.

Also, I can see how distance from your WH would be helpful, but at the same time it might be frustrating if you were always wondering what he's doing. I think that the biggest relief in plan B is when you pretend like the WS doesn't exist. I will glad that I no longer feel the need to "check up on him" by looking at the cell phone logs every day or look at his myspace page to see who his new friends are. I know that letting him go entirely will help me to move on and heal. He's in God's care now.

I'm sorry your children are old enough to be hurt over what your WH is doing. I can't imagine having to explain this to my DS and knowing that he's hurting inside...I think it would make me all the more angry at my WH for putting him through that along with me. That's the only positive thing in my situation, I think. My kids will adapt to life without my WH more easily than if they were older. I alone will have the knowledge and pain over what he's done, but I pray God will cause even that to fade into oblivion for me soon. I hope he does the same for you.

So...after a day and a half of plan B where I haven't spoken or seen my WH and exchanged only 4 TM regarding visitation of our DS, my WH does something bizarre.

I've been screening my phone calls and have not answered when I know it's him. So he called from a store phone and I answered because I didn't recognize the phone number. He says that the place where his sister works had a really good deal on a new stove so he bought one for "the house" and brought it over an hour later.

...I don't know what to say about this. I feel like crying. I told him that I couldn't see or talk to him because of what he's done and he goes and buys a new stove. WHAT IS HE THINKING???

I am going to assume that he feels guilty over my emotional outburst where I reiterated that I loved him and his actions are so incredibly hurtful that I cannot be his friend. I think he also feels bad since his new condo has all stainless steal appliances. So I guess he figured he would buy me one since our old stove doesn't work very well.

He also called me yesterday and left a VM that said he was sorry I felt that way about us being friends and didn't know what else to say but that he was sorry.

Does this change anything? No. He's still leaving me.

I feel like a failure because I didn't know how to handle this situation except to let him bring over the stove. I think now he will expect me to be his friend and just forget everything I said about not wanting to be in contact with him.

I am just going to view this as an isolated incident as I'm sure he won't really go out and buy me a major appliance every day. I will continue on with plan B, but how on Earth does a person respond to this? I thanked him for his gift, but this doesn't change the situation or either of our feelings about anything.

This makes me actually feel worse, if that's possible. I am completely baffled. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My WH is somewhat the same way. I think taking care of us finacially, or in whatever way, is completely self-serving. WH thinks he's an upstanding guy for not $crewing me over w/ the money. I think it's there way of saying, "See I'm not such a bad guy."

It's almost belitteling to our pain to do those kinds of things. Like it in anyway makes up for what they've done.

I know. I wish he wouldn't have even gotten it. Now I have to look at it all the time thinking "this is my consolation prize for being dumped for the OW". It doesn't change anything.

I wonder if my WH actually thinks it will make me be his friend. I don't think he understands how awful his A. makes me feel and how completely devastated I am that our family is being broken up.

Maybe I should ask him if I bought him a new car, would that change his feelings and cause him to leave the OW and come home?

I guess you have to be betrayed by your spouse to really understand how we feel. The betrayer, because they are comforted by their new "love", are not as sensitive to the situation as the person who is being abandoned. My WH just doesn't seem to understand why I feel as bad as I do. I guess the high that comes from being with the OW makes my feelings incomprehensible for him.

sara,

I read you post on SMB's thread, about how God can convert your husband.

I just wanted to tell you that after DDay, I went through about 8 months of crapola from my husband. He finally left, Sara, and I let him go. I didn't try to stop him. That night, I prayed, not that God would make him come back, but that I would accept His will.

Once I did that, once I let go and stopped trying to control things, everything changed. My husband, who was never really a man of God at all, was changed.

He came home, repented, and has worked diligently on the marriage since.

Things can change.

Well, my dear, at least you got a new stove out of the deal.

RLT-

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It really means a lot. I've been struggling today with my emotions over this situation, mostly feeling like it is taking forever for any changes to occur. I've lost heart a bit since I've cut off almost all contact with my WH, but at the same time, I feel better not having to see or talk to him.

Last Thursday I basically decided to do what you said and let it go. I haven't looked at my WH's cell phone log or his myspace page..I haven't talked with him for longer than a minute or so each time I've seen him (which has been only 2 times when he came to pick up our DS). I know that God can work miracles, that's why I retain hope for his salvation. My concern is the timing..will it take so long that my heart becomes hardened toward him and I don't want him back anymore? I'm sad to say that it feels as though it's happening already.

The funny thing is that you are the second Christian over the last two days to tell me that God has brought a WS to repentance and back to their families.

I spoke with a man yesterday who said he knew a guy who divorced his wife and left his two sons to live with another woman. His wife never remarried or dated, just kept praying for her WH. After six years of waiting, the guy was touched by God and got saved.

He was initially going to marry the OW and felt the need to tell his ex wife. So he took his ex out to lunch and instead of saying he was going to marry the OW the man told his ex that God was telling him to remarry her. They did remarry and have been together ever since. The FWH is now a deacon in his church. I was touched very much by the story as I am touched by yours.

So I thank you for telling me. It really does give me hope.

LOL. Yes, and I've put that stove to good use since then. I don't really care anymore why my WH gave it to me, I look at it as a gift from God. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sadly, though, I think my WH is just racking up the charges on his credit card because he's so sure that he's going to get half the equity from our home.

I hope the judge gives me a break though on the division of assets and maybe I won't have to give him half of the equity. That way I can just refinance and buy him out. Or, if God brings a good job around for me, I can just take a reduced amount of CS.

Either way, I'm sure it will work out somehow and in the mean time I can cook to my heart's content on a really nice stove. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

saralynn, You got a stove, but I'm getting a tv and stand. Bless their wayward hearts! Now I feel much better, and the sting of betrayal is less now that I'm getting another tv. LOL!

LOL. Yes the WS does have quite a uniques thought process. I looked at some pictures of my WH's new condo that he will be moving into in about a week and the stove that he bought me is EXACTLY the same one that he will have.

I bet your WH thinks the T.V. you're getting is a really good one and you should be appreciative of his kindness and overlook the way he's been. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Though I know that you and I don't see how they could possibly think that way, I do think there is some truth to that unfortunately.

A little while back, I read some portions of the 5 Love Languages and went to the website. During my "plan A" phase when my WH was over, I asked him which of the 5 languages suited him best and he did say that receiving gifts was the way he felt loved by others.

I was pretty chagrined over that because I rarely bought him anything, but after he said it, I could see that it was true of his character. So I do think that he tries to express his love to others the same way.

Maybe your WH falls in that category too?

So..my Plan B isn't as dark as I would like. I think that due to the visitation with our DS, it's hard to not be seen. I've tried to get an intermediary, but with the hours that my WH visits, I can't seem to secure one.

So I make the exchanges as brief as possible and do not engage in any sort of conversation. The problem is that my WH doesn't seem to believe me when I say I don't want to be his friend.

Two times now he has made the excuse to come in because he has to use the bathroom. This despite the fact that it is a 8 minute drive from where he's staying to our home. He uses this time to try to talk to me about personal things that he has no business asking about.

I've tried to brush off his comments and basically ignore him until he leaves. However, I just feel like crying when I even have to be in the same room with him.

I really feel as if I can't get away from him at all. That makes me almost as angry as his A, in a way. There's nothing quite like having to be in the same room with person who has violated your trust and betrayed you in the most intimate way and then they want to pretend like nothing has happened. It's sickening.

So obviously, I haven't been doing very well since implementing my barely dim plan B. I've been crying almost everyday and I hate it. I'm usually not an overly emotional woman, but I think the circumstances and the late term of my pregnancy are really getting the best of me.

How do you implement a dark plan B when you have young children? It seems impossible.

I try to keep exchanges brief,too. But this weekend didn't go so well for me either. It made me realize I'm not as strong yet as I'd like to be. It is too painful to have him standing there, looking sad, reluctant to leave.

I don't have anyone to be an intermediary. And, of course, he wants us to be able to chit chat, like nothing is wrong. I just can't do that. Maybe I never will be able to.

And I don't have the added stress of being pregnant. Even though I had a scare right before the affair came out.

So I'm trying to go back to having as little contact as possible, and healing up a little.