I FOUND OUT TEN DAYS AGO THAT MY WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR FOR 2 MONTHS. I FOUND OUT THAT SHE MET HIM IN A NIGHT CLUB WHILST OUT WITH FRIENDS. THOSE FRIENDS HAVE TOLD HOW CRUEL THE SITUATION IS AND WHAT SHE HAS GOT IN ME AND THE BOYS BUT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT.

AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK AND CONFRONTATION, SHE SAID SHE WOULD MOVE OUT.
INSTANTLY I SAID NO I WOULD MOVE OUT BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK WAS THAT SHE WOULD GO TO HIM. SO I DID.

SINCE THEN I HAVE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND. I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT IT MUST BE ATLEAST 50% MY FAULT AND TOLD HER.
WE HAVE TWO BOYS 17 AND 12 WHO WE BOTH LOVE AND DO NOT WANT TO HURT. WE TOLD THEM WE WEREN'T GETTING ON AND THAT I WAS MOVING OUT FOR A WHILE.

WE ARE IN A POOR FINANCIAL SITUATION IN THAT WE DO FINE AND HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED BUT CANNOT AFFORD FOR ONE OF US TO RENT ANOTHER PLACE.
STAYING WITH FRIENDS FOR A FEW DAYS IS FINE BUT CANNOT CONTINUE. WE NEVER ARGUED MUCH BUT DID SPEND MOST OF OUR SOCIAL TIME APPART. I BROUGHT THIS UP AND SHE SAID THAT WAS HER DOING BECAUSE IT MADE THINGS EASIER TO BEAR.??

HER REASONS ARE THAT SHE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME ANYMORE AND DOSENT FANCY ME. WE ARE BOTH FIT AND FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE SO I GUESS ITS MORE EMOTIONAL THAT THAT.

I HAVE TOLD HER THAT I KNOW I CANNOT CHANGE HER MIND.THAT I DO NOT WANT HER TO BE UNHAPPY AND MUST ACCEPT HER DESCISSION. I HAVE ASKED ONCE TO CONSIDER COUNCILING WITH ME FOR CLOSURE, PEACE OF MIND OR TO MAKE 100% SURE THAT WHAT SHE WANTS WILL MAKE HER HAPPY.BUT SHE REFUSSES COMPLETELY. EVERYTHING I SAY SEEMS TO MAKE HER ANGRY AND SHE SAYS SHE JUST WANTS ME TO ACCEPT AND MOVE ON(EASIER SAID THAN DONE). I PRESSUME SHE IS FILLED WITH GUILT AND MAYBE DOUBT, BUT I DONT KNOW.

SHE HAS ALLWAYS SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION AND IS ON PROZAC BUT THIS IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT.

SHE IS STILL CONTINUEING WITH THE OTHER MAN. HE IS NOT MARRIED.

I HAVE TOLD HER THAT I WANT TO MOVE BACK IN TO SPARE ROOM TO BE WITH OUR BOYS AND WHILE WE GET OUR DEBTS DOWN. SHE IS ADDAMANT THAT SHES WANTS TO SELL UP AND SPLIT WITH THE BOYS. AND THAT THERE IS NOTHING WORTH SAVING.
OUR SEX LIFE SEEMED FINE WITH 50% started by her.
TRYING TO INFLUENCE HER WILL PUSH HER AWAY. IF I MOVE BACK IN I DONT KNOW HOW TO COPE EVERYTIME SHE GOES OUT OR STAYS OUT.
I AM TREDDING ON EGGSHELLS.
CAN I HAVE AN INFLUENCE ON STOPPING THE AFFAIR OR ON HER RESOLUTION TO END EVERYTHING.
SHES SAYS SHE HAS FELT THIS WAY FOR A LONG TIME AND IT IS NOT RELATED TO THE AFFAIR.

I SAY I UNDERSTAND AND WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, BUT WILL SHE BE HAPPY. I WANT A CHANCE TO FIX OUR PROBLEMS TO SEE IF ITS POSSIBLE.

CAN ANYONE HELP

SHOULD I MOVE IN
WHAT CAN I DO.

JD, Welcome to MarriageBuilders...

I'm so sorry for the circumstances which brought you here...very glad you're here.

First, please don't type in caps. Though it communicates your distress, and I know you are in a world of hurt right now (I remember), caps means yelling...huge emphasis. Use them sparingly.

Second, move back home. Understand that you cannot prevent her from going to OM...what you can do is choose to live from truth. Find out who OM is, his family, if he has a girlfriend and his siblings, etc...then expose her affair to everyone...including OM's family. Do not get this information from your wayward wife (WW). Do not trust info passed from OM through friends to you...check out for yourself. Search to see if he is married, separated...divorced...not married...do the research to know The Truth. Remember that waywards lie...because it's what they want to believe is true. Doesn't make it so. Plan A is where you bring reality...up to you to know it thoroughly.

Read Longhorn's "Quickstart Guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses" which is on this same forum, just below yours.

You do this instead of moving out...because you didn't betray your marriage, you want to stand and fight for it, and your boys need you there, at home. You cannot control her choices...to move out, to see OM, etc. All you can control (and this is true of every human) is yourself.

Breathe. You have come to the best place I know to recover your marriage. Read all the articles on this website written by Dr. Harley. Read his book "Surviving An Affair" (that's really important). And read and post...you are not alone. Hundreds here have been in your shoes...know your pain, your fear, your devastation.

What I see is that you're already ahead of this experience...sounds to me like you're willing to look at yourself...and NO...you cannot make her have an affair. Ever. However, your power, and where you've put it on her, given it away...taking it back will help towards your goal.

And you seem to have chosen a goal...to save your marriage. Base that solely on you...not on her possible response...act from your own goal...strive for it.

Third...understand that what she is saying right now is called wayward spouse babble...WS babble. She's a WW...a wayward wife. You are a BH...betrayed husband. Please learn to listen and repeat from this moment (that you read this) forward...you want to hear what she says and repeat back what you heard...

"I hear you have felt a lot of resentment for a long time in our marriage, is that correct?" Whatever she says, put it in a hopper on top of your head (imaginary, 'k?) and hand back her words. People in affairs are NOT who you knew them to be...they are in a fog of fantasy. The fog is real. You may not even believe this is your real wife...and you'd be correct. It's like an alien replacement...bears a striking resemblance...with a total personality change (which is coming from a wayward perspective).

You can get your real wife back...over time...takes perserverance, self-examination, doing an authentic Plan A, and making your choices based on your code, not her probable response.

Expose to your sons...explain what's going on, that you are going to do everything possible to save your intact family...what is within your power...and if your wife chooses to move out, expose to the friends she'll be staying with...ask them to be true friends of your marriage...help you save it. Same for her family, your family, your friends.

Find a pro-marriage counselor who is familiar with Harley's plans, ENs, LBs, etc. Make an appt and go...share with WW about the appt and go whether she chooses to or not...

Don't presume anything about her stuff...her stuff being her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perception or perspective. Act from respect...listen and repeat. Practice using "I" statements...to know your stuff separate from hers. Listen and repeat validates and acknowledges what is HERS...do not fear her anger. Save your fear for her indifference.

Time to partner up, JD...you can do this. You can commit to yourself to studying, learning, growing and choosing right now, so that you can look your sons directly in the eye and state that you did everything you possibly could...no matter the outcome...and they will know you are stating the truth.

Take heart...many have walked your road...and are recoverying...it's not a short hop. First shock you get is that you cannot make your spouse happy, nor can they you. We do that ourselves. You have a part in hers...she has a part in yours...only you control your stuff...only she controls hers.

Please keep posting and reading.

LA

Do NOT tell her you intend to move back home.

Just do it.

IF you forewarn her...she may just file a court motion or restraining order to keep you out.

If she wants to move out...let her. It will bode better for you in any custody battle and the separation from you and the kids MAY just get her to wake up and come home to the marriage before it's too late.

Moving out was a bad idea...rectify that decision first and we can go from there. Do not fight with her or create any scene which she can use against you to force you out of the house again. Do not trust her...many many wayward wives seen here in the past will lie, cheat and steal to get what they think they are entitled to. Don't make it easy. Of course, if the cops show up and ask you to leave you must abide by and respect the law or you'll never win anything.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Thank you so much for your replies.
Its a miracle that there is someone to talk to.

cant find Longhorn's "Quickstart Guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses"

please undestand i am not interested in protecting myself , just in getting my wife and complete family back.

I am scared that moving in will make her go to him.
How do we live together.

for the last couple of days i have moved in with my boys because i have to go away for work for 1 week and wanted to be near them. She agreed to this but obviously while this was happening she moved in with him.

help help help

Also

There is no way in the world that i can tell my kids what she has done.
They would hate her and it would devistate them, i cant let this happen

Regards exposure.
She has told her friends and family already and i have told mine.

I have not felt any ressentment before this time. It is her that says shes has been unhappy for a long time. I really do not know if this is with me or a result of depression focused on me.
She is now showing no signs of remorse and seems absolutely positive about what she is doing.

I want a quick fix to end the pain but i know there may not be one.

please reply

Hi jdmelt,

I know that this will sound harsh, but she's already with the OM... your first priority is to protect your kids and that means moving back home. She is the one that should feel uncomfortable living at home because she is the one that is in the affair... you aren't.

Read the articles here on the MB web site and try and learn as much as you can on how affairs start and some of the "reasons"... I know that it seems like your world has collapsed around you (I've been there), but you will live. The pain is almost unbearable, but if you will educate yourself on how to deal with this, you CAN get through this.

Sorry... no such thing as a "quick fix". You first need to protect your family by moving back home... then gear up and learn all that you can. There are some great people here that can help you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thank you so much for your replies.
Its a miracle that there is someone to talk to.

cant find Longhorn's "Quickstart Guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses"

please undestand i am not interested in protecting myself , just in getting my wife and complete family back.

I am scared that moving in will make her go to him.
How do we live together.

for the last couple of days i have moved in with my boys because i have to go away for work for 1 week and wanted to be near them. She agreed to this but obviously while this was happening she moved in with him.

help help help

Also

There is no way in the world that i can tell my kids what she has done.
They would hate her and it would devistate them, i cant let this happen

Regards exposure.
She has told her friends and family already and i have told mine.

I have not felt any ressentment before this time. It is her that says shes has been unhappy for a long time. I really do not know if this is with me or a result of depression focused on me.
She is now showing no signs of remorse and seems absolutely positive about what she is doing.

I want a quick fix to end the pain but i know there may not be one.

please reply

There are many people on the Gen Questions II board who will also do their best to help you.

Exposure will anger her. But the affair must be exposed.

Stay in the home while you work on your marriage.

Thank you for your reply

i really want to be in the home.
but what about the pressure that might cause.
i do not want to push her away anymore.

I want her back

JD,

Here is the link for the Quickstart Guide. Longhorn's Quickstart Guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses

I know you're in a lot of pain right now...lots of fear, too. Neither one gives us a wide clarity on the situation. Which is why I think that MB help is the best...those who've felt what you are feeling and are not now feeling it to the degree they are reacting to fear...they are advising acting from love.

You and your WW are separate human beings...being married a long time, we tend to merge...base our choices on our spouses' feelings, thoughts, perceptions...we make their truth into The Truth...and it's not. It's called enmeshment. What enmeshment doesn't have is respect...which is knowing you are two, whole, complete individuals making individual choices at every moment. Enmeshment feels like everything you do causes, controls or cures your partner.

It's fantasy.

Much like an affair...it's just not real. We sure can experience it like it is real. It isn't.

When you sit still, breathe deeply and identify what you want...then choose to make your choices based on YOUR code, not on possible response...then you free yourself and your marriage from enmeshment...and you inject respect.

I believe many partners want to separate because they detect the enmeshment and think that's the only way to assert themselves as they are...not wanting to truly break the union...to break away from all the overlap and mess...feeling trapped...and it's a perspective, JD, not reality.

Check yours.

Yours matters.

Your sons already suspect...they've heard bits, have monitored you both closely for all their lives. Not telling them is lying by omission...and adds to crazy-making behaviors. It's not respectful, either. I'm defining respect as acknowledging, validating and understanding that your 12 and 17-year-old sons are separate, whole, complete, marvelously made human beings...as are you and your W and every human on the planet. Acknowledging reality, acting from and sharing truth is a great way to live a human life. If honesty isn't in your code, do not act from it.

I don't believe in manipulating spouses back into the marriage...then you have a manipulated partner back in the marriage (not real...can be experienced this way). I believe in breaking the enmeshment in yourself, choosing a radically different perspective...acting from respect and truth yourself...to find your way through this most traumatic experience of many people's lives.

In this way, you learn to trust yourself...you make your goal clarity, not perfection...you go for a new way of living, owning your own love busters...seeing where you've disrespected through assuming, mindreading--all the forms of manipulation which go right under your own radar...and free yourself.

Doing this saved my marriage. Had to change my premise in life from disrespect to respect...and I had no idea that doing everything for others was disrespectful, to others and to myself.

JD--you can, also. You are in crisis...find your way by defining your code...what YOU live by. Because your W has her own...and right now, she's WW not your W.

You can choose to save your marriage by being a lighthouse, strong, clear and determined. I can't see how to do that without truth and respect...identifying and changing what you lived from before (giving to get love, admiration, etc....tit for tat...push-me-pull-you)...which is how I lived. Many do in marriage...because the only relationship dynamic we learned was how to be parented or how to parent...not how to partner.

Which is what I craved.

How 'bout you?

You are not at fault...you are, however, half of a marriage in crisis. Your choices matter. Choose them wisely...and see where doing what you chose to do before...the basis for all your actions, may well continue to do harm where you thought it was harm-proof. All kindness is not respectful (enabling)...any "all" you run across most likely is harmful...extremes are. We choose to love and act on our love...we don't earn it. We certainly can reject it. Get to know how you operate...where you make your choices...you are half of every relationship. Be true to yourself, your code; know what is within your control and what is not...and act from truth and love, anyway.

Which is why you move home...stay home...share the truth with your sons...with OM's family...you research to know the truth...you don't ask your WW (because she's so far into self-deception right now, she doesn't know the truth of her actions). You share truth (expose)...you live and act from truth. Great choices...may well save your marriage and recover it to where it's a thriving union.

You can do this...listen and repeat...do not lecture, vent, rant or beg. Act from respect...bring reality (Plan A). Study and learn her top ENs...identify and eliminate your own LBs...know you are not alone in this...you're not bad, wrong or defective. Identify and secure your own boundaries around your behavior, your choices...

And breathe.

LA

thank you i will try to rationalize your advice

I have pleaded
I have begged
Now decided it makes it worse.

I changed to understanding and accepting some of the blame.
I sent a message saying
I didnot want to do anything that made her more unhappy than she says she was with me.
And that i would support her emotionally and financially aslong as she was taking good care of the boys.
I asked her to see a councilor with me if only for closure, peace of mind or to 100% sure she would be happier with me.

She thanked me for my message and said when i come back from my work trip in a week she would see the councilor if i still wanted to.
I am sure she just wants me to get the message as continued efforts on my part obviously cause her stress, and not actually look at saving anything.

Is it still a good idea to go.

cheers

You don't plead or beg...you choose.

Doesn't make it better or worse...makes it respectful.

We ask for what we want...and let the outcome go.

We mind our OWN lines...our own changes, JD. That's what within our control...

There is no blame. Humans do and do not do...and they do either from their own choice. You are half of the marriage...when you choose to betray yourself to please your partner, then you hurt...create and build resentment...or when you avoid what looks like conflict...choose not to be honest because it might ruffle her feathers...then you choose dishonesty, not respect.

We all have done this...not blame...going to patterns we learned growing up. Unfortunately, they stop working...marriage is for adults, not children. We carry our child-parts in us, with us...and pain or fear often trigger us to our child-mindset, perspective...perceptions...and reactions.

Choose to act, not react.

We stop focusing on our partner's truth--their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions...and calling it The Truth. We stop lying to ourselves. We respect their stuff...their thoughts as theirs...their feelings as valid and their own...not us being the cause, control or cure.

Surround yourself with healthy support...go to Alanon, read books, go to MC...learn...and grow. You change and the dance changes.

Owning your past choices (you are calling it blame) is you understanding yourself, why you chose, stating what you did, why you did it and why you will not do it again.

Like Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)...Selfish Demands (SDs)...Lying (by omission or commission)...yelling, sarcasm, verbally striking out, which are Angry Outbursts (AO's)...and Independent Behaviors (IBs)...activities you chose to participate in which didn't benefit your marriage or consider your partner.

I did it with burying myself in books for years...I was physically present and mentally/emotionally removed...held the drug in my hands, so to speak. I put my escape first, over my husband, my marriage and my family. IBs aren't always obvious.

"I am sure she just wants me to get the message as continued efforts on my part obviously cause her stress, and not actually look at saving anything."

Stop choosing fantasy. You are assuming here...choosing to believe what you do not know and it's kicking your own butt and you're doing that. By choice. DJs kill us on the inside and outside...because they kill relationships--with ourselves and others. It's fantasy. Just like her A is fantasy...and you're going there.

Stop. You don't live in her mind...you do not know what she's thinking...you don't know her stuff. You DO know her actions.

She agreed to see a counselor with you on your return. Find a great MC and go...not for closure, not for salving, soothing, going along to get along...because you want to save your marriage.

You can choose to say, "Would you agree that being in love and happy with the father of your children would be the very best possible situation?"

That's a goal worth working towards. Realistic, not fantasy. First, you have to agree in yourself. Would that be the optimal life for you and your family? To be in love and happy in your marriage to the mother of your children?

Harley says this is what can happen. Has happened. Can happen in any marriage. Because that's where it began, didn't it? Very real, JD. Up to you to believe it when your partner doesn't right now. Up to you to act from it when your partner is attacking your marriage.

Plans are there for clarity, understanding and focus. Your choice. Not following the plans, winging it, guarantees reactivity instead of aware choices. Which is what we did before crisis in our marriages...I don't advise it.

Which is why the best advice is to breathe...take slow, deep breaths...breathe from your belly, exhale just as slowly. Soothe yourself in healthy ways...this is like a hero's journey...takes every part of you and begins with a chosen goal, and then a lot of choices sticking to that goal.

Because it's the right thing to do...and it's what you want most.

That's it...you respect she may choose differently...that her feelings are not yours...and not about you...her thoughts are where she chooses to place them...you have that choice, as well. You both have equal power...and limits.

Level playing field, JD. Luckily, you married a human.

((((JD))))

LA

jd,

Appeasement did not work before WWII, and it does not work in the case of building marriage in the face of affairs. What does work is exposure coupled with Plan A. Plan A is a mix of trying to end the affair and exposure to the children and family often puts tremendous pressure on the affair. But, exposure is done in the light of rebuilding NOT revenge. By that we mean, you want your children's help in trying to save the marriage. You want your family and her family's help in rebuilding the marriage and to do that the affair must end.

Appeasement puts no pressure on the affair, and if the affair is not ended you have NO CHANCE of rebuilding or even retaining your marriage. Please read the articles here on plan A and exposure. Also read about the concept of love busters.

You are being encouraged to expose to all because it has proven to be the most effective way of addressing the marriage. Now given that you can expect your W to be very very mad. She will tell you, "well there was a chance to reconcile but since you did this there is no chance." "I hate you and everything you stand for." "I'll make you pay for this." And it goes on. It is part of the script that goes on in these things. Accept it deal with it, and realize when you get that response you have done something RIGHT.

If you want to lose your marriage keep appeasing her. If you want to retain and rebuild, move back home, act respectful but FIRM in your belief in the marriage and doing the right things. Your children will come to respect you for this, even your W (whether or not the marriage makes it) will come to respect you in the years to follow.

FIRM, PRO-MARRIAGE, EXPOSURE, NO LOVE BUSTERS. That is the plan and this plan works.

Please do the reading and get a plan together and execute it.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your words.

I have to immeadiate decisions to make.

1/ Do i move in when i return next. Understanding that i would be in the spare room and be looking after our kids while she went to see OM.
There will be alot of tension and stress, although i can be respectful and not keep trying to talk about.

2/ Do i go to see OM before i go.
Not to confront but to make sure he is aware of everything.
Husband who loves her, kids, house etc.

need advice quick

cheers

Thank you for your words.

I have to immeadiate decisions to make.

1/ Do i move in when i return next. Understanding that i would be in the spare room and be looking after our kids while she went to see OM.
There will be alot of tension and stress, although i can be respectful and not keep trying to talk about.

2/ Do i go to see OM before i go.
Not to confront but to make sure he is aware of everything.
Husband who loves her, kids, house etc.

need advice quick

cheers

jdmelt - just some personal opinions for you to consider. What you choose will be up to you, but consider this; we have been THROUGH what you are just beginning. Ever wonder about the value of experience versus simple "book knowledge," much less "emotional responses that control rational thought and actions?"





1) Move back in. The "emotional stresses," etc. are REAL, but they are irrelevant to the "mission" of recovering your marriage. They are the "price you are willing to pay" to honor YOUR wedding vows and your responsibility to your children.

2) If you know who this guy is, go see him. But be realistic in your expectations. You will be seeing him primarily for yourself.

Remember this: ALL Wayward Spouses are ACCOMPLISHED liars. It's a fundamental requirement, found on Page 1 of the "Wayward Spouse Manual."

She MAY have lied to this guy too and he MAY think she is single or separated. If so, HE may not want to be involved with a married woman, much less one that is lieing to him.

YOU will find out if HE has any respect for Marriage. Find out, if you can, who HIS family is, who he works for, etc., all in preparation for EXPOSURE to everyone connected to the affair if you need to "go to war."

KEEP YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSES under control and in check. Get to you doctor and see about getting some anti-anxiety medication, such as Welbutrin, to help you smooth out the highs and lows of the emotional onslaught you are dealing with and to give you the ability to remain rational and "in control" of your emotions and your responses to them.

DO NOT BEG. Not to the OM or to your wife. Make it "matter of fact," Marriage is between ONE woman and ONE man, and NO outsiders are allowed in. You love her and you will fight for her with all the legal resources you can muster, you will not just "surrender" and let evil triumph without a loving confrontation.

God bless.

I may not be the best person to give advice, but here it is:

1. Move back immediately. Forget about the spare bedroom. Move back and sleep in your own bed. Why should you be relegated to second class status in your own home? You're not the one causing the pain in your marriage.

WW will leave. Count on that. Will the slimy OM take her in? Maybe for a little while.

Do NOT shield WW from the consequences of her behavior. Doing so will not help your cause.


2. It might not be a good idea to see OM if you think there is any chance you'll lose it. He knows she's married. He knows who you are. He doesn't care.

You should expose to everyone -- don't trust that "she told her friends, I told mine." WWs aren't exactly forthright when it comes to describing their own awful behavior. There's no telling what she told people.

If the OM has a girlfriend make SURE you talk to her. Make sure you talk to WWs family. OM's family too if possible. The object of exposure is to strip away the fantasy they've built around their affair. Expose it for the ugly, destructive thing it is.

Ok
I am ready to move back in.

Please tell me how to behave.
My wife will be there sleeping in the other room, so will my kids.
I am not an agry person but how do i deal with the fact that she will be going out to see OM.
Do i let it go and say nothing and just try to be the best I can.
Also she has asked me to look after kids next weekend ( I know from a friend it is because she wants to go away with OM) What to do.

please help urgent


ps Cant seem to get onto general questions 2 to post .
always gives error ????

Go to the main index. Look at the just found out forum and look for the moderator, put your cursor on the moderator (tempest or Justice) and write and e-mail to them explaining that you want your thread moved to general questions in infidelity but are having trouble doing that. They can move your thread for you.

Move back in.

Do your best not to enable the A. That means that you may not be available to watch the kids for the week-end as you have some plans for part of the week-end that makes it impossible to be available the entire weekend.

Do not pretend that the A is not happening. You can let her know that there is only room for 2 in your marriage. Do not beg, do not plead. Just state fact.

Re-read the posts you have received. There is good advice there. Expose to your children at the level that they can understand.

Expose to friends and family even if she has already done so. Your exposure will be very different from hers as you will be saying that you want to re-cover your marriage.

Find out all you can about OM. Your decision whether to see him or not. Some experienced posters say that affairs have ended the day that a visit like this takes place.

Know that there are no quick fixes to your situation.

Re-read the posts here and don't say you can't do it.

Breathe.