I did tell H about the email digs and threats. He was dismayed. Very apologetic.

And then I had a minor meltdown. First, that this person could steal from me without conscience for 3 years, then be intentionally cruel to me. I cannot imagine doing that to another human being.

And second, over the stupid, warped values that my H adopted. I stormed out for a walk last night saying "It must be nice to be beautiful." Had quite a pity party.

I'm better now. Early indications are that this is helping the fog to clear. That is a good thing.

H is not going to respond. We are going to have to make a plan for the plant and radio. But it needs to not involve touching her truck.

Why not leave her stuff with the nursing supervisor at the hospital? Take it there when she is NOT there.

LC

How about throwing the plant and radio in the garbage or donating them to someone far, far away. They are, according to her, gifts, which you can do with what you want.
Then there is no contact and she has no way of knowing that you read her e-mail. And, you are rid of a trigger!

I can think of lots of things that would include not touching her truck. Like maybe you could key it? Or spray paint it? Throw some lighter fluid and a lit match at it? None of those things would require actually touching .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just kidding (sort of). There are still days that I'd like to do that to my H's OW ... and she never pulled these kind of stunts.


On the more realistic side .... I'd say to NOT give back the plant and radio. I'd say get rid of them if they are triggers, but don't give them back to her.

It seems pretty key for her to understand that her e-mails are not getting even the slightest bit of attention. That no one even cares enough about her to read them, much less actually respond, and certainly not to obey her silly demands.

I doubt that she'll follow through with the threat of coming to the office. Just a day ago, she loved and missed him so much she was crying. Now she's railing and tantruming. She'll change her mind again tomorrow. And she'd have to get herself pretty worked up to risk looking that pety and monstrous over a plant and radio.

And if she does show up, then the staff can be on the lookout and send her on her way without ever letting her get close to him. AND that will give you some ammunition to get a RO. Do you have any idea how much his staff knows about the whole sitch? When he puts them on-guard, he can probably word it well, without having to expose too much. Maybe a disgruntled ex-employee kind of spin.


She really is behaving terribly. I can't understand it at all, what exactly does she think she's entitled to? Guess it's a good thing that we can't understand that entitlement, huh? I think I'd melt down after reading some of the things she's written, too, and you've obviously had to read far more of it. How does your H react when you meltdown? I'm glad you're feeling better now!

-AmI.

One of the current staff members is a "close friend" to OW.

H thinks that no one knows. I think that they all have it pretty much figured out.

At any rate, the disgruntled ex-employee spin won't work.

H handled last night's meltdown pretty well. He really was appalled at her behavior.

He said to me last night, "It really must be hard sometimes to keep going." Insight.

That sounds like positive insight. The office staff probably all know what has been going on. If the plant and radio are triggers for you, get rid of them, donate to a nursing home. Don't return them or give any acknowlegement to her that you read the e-mails. Are there any other things that she may have left at the office? Eliminate those as well, so it doesn't look like the things she listed. I would bet her friend knows the generic contents of that e-mail and if you only get rid of those then she will get a report.

Hope your feeling better right now. We always meltdown, its how we release the pain. It is okay, just try not to LB when it happens. (((Limbo)))

Fled

Hey Limbo,

How's it going today?


I agree with Fled, even though I did the opposite. When I sent the OWH the exposure packet of OW's handwritten love notes (so he could not dispute that his wife was emotionally involved with my WH), I included the unopened packages of what she had sent him and he had thought was stupid. But H had kept them in a box and gave me the entire box saying he did not care what I did with them as long as I got rid of them.

I wanted OW to know that my H lied when he said he loved whatever she made the time to send him. When he de-fogged, he was so embarassed at what he had told her and how it might have affected her.

I would destroy the items and the triggers they might represent in the future. If you donate it to a charity or nursing home you may think of them every time you drive by. Pick a dumpster you don't pass very often.

I used to trigger whenever I went into that P.O. where I sent the exposure packet (with all her crap) via Express Mail. She had taunted me, so I wanted to get that packet there as soon as possible. Even though OWH never responded to my email confirmation request or with a 'thanks for telling me', I was able to start rebuilding my trust in my WH when that exposure was complete.

I, too am curious why SH says to hold off on exposure to OWH, except that there might be those extenuating circumstances which Dr. Harley said might be risks. She may qualify as that.


It truly sounds like OW is self-destructing before your WH's very eyes. And that may be what it takes to help him continue choosing to de-fog.

OW's lies were what did it for my H. She had told him one thing and then emailed me the opposite.....and I've said it before, OW may already be involved with another cheater....according to my H.

Also, he said that once the fog lifted, he was able to raise me up in his value of me (additional lovebank deposits) because I was so understanding and forgiving and caring.....yeah, it was mostly an act, but it worked to help him de-fog and it's now continuing to get better.

Now that I can vent on MB, and I've learned how to own my stuff better (still working on it.....and will be forever) and I'm gaining confidence to reclaim and redirect triggers....we are doing really well.

Keep it up, Limbo.....and we are all pulling for you.

Still praying for your peace....

Acey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, everyone.

Still no resolution to the OW gifts issues, but well figure it out.

I got my car yesterday. I made phone calls to a few dealers and found one 60 miles away that beat my local dealer by $2500. And treated me like the princess I would like to be.

It took many hours, but I am a happy camper. I go back Tuesday to get the accessories (roof rack, running board, a couple of other things) put on.

This weekend we have some errands to run today, a date night tonight, and some lengthy child-related issues to deal with on Sunday. And a dog to walk many times. He's been feeling deprived.

Great job on the car. Have fun tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
and pet that dog, they can never get enough you know, and they just love on ya when you need it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have a great day Limbo

Fled

Hi Limbo,

How goes it today?

Ace

OK so far today. H apologized again. He can't really give an answer to the question of what has changed for him, beyond he has decided that he is going to be an honest person.

He did tell me his homework assignment from SH-- to ask me if I have a book that he is supposed to read. I probably do.

Hi Limbo,

Hope things are peaceful today.

I chuckled about the book assignment.

After D-Day #1, I bought a book "How to Never be Lied to Again". I should have known better than to show it to my WH. He actually took it as a challange to prove that the author was wrong....through 3 more D-Days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We were recently cleaning out boxes and I found that book, unread. I chucked it heavily into the garbage. He pulled it out, wondering what it was...and the look of chagrin on his face was priceless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So what book(s) are you going to choose? Or should I say ...what series....or even ....what library? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Can you come negotiate my next car deal??? I'm impressed!

Hope the date night was great. How do you feel about it? And the kid issues, does it help when you guys have to team up on a problem? Or is it just more stress? Hope you got it all figured out.

Surgery coming up .... how are you feeling about that? Any preparations that you are worried about? Last time it seems like you were really focused on making sure your H was taken care of while you were down for the count -- the cleaning company, etc. .... same concerns this time? Still doing all the fun dancing and things to get in great shape before this surgery, too?

-AmI.

LOL. It was a specific book. Torn Asunder.

Date night-- was OK. It is hard for me to enjoy anything fully right now.

Surgery-- looking forward to having it done!!

I will call in a maid service this time. Big mistake last time.

Got sidetracked on the dancing, but will go back when I am released for exercise about a month from now.

OW has switched back to feeling-sorry-for-herself mode in her emails today. Begging him to call. He hasn't read the emails, doesn't know about them (per his request) and they are deleted.

Amazing. Maybe it's a good thing that she doesn't know he's not reading the e-mails, she might try to get through to him a different way.

I wonder when she'll get tired of these antics? I hope this doesn't go on too much longer, seems like it would get exhausting for you.

At least she's not threatening to show up at the office anymore. Have you guys thought anymore about moving? How are you going to get this all off your mind for your surgery? How is he going to prove he's keeping himself in line while you're down for surgery?

I've heard about the Torn Asunder book but have never actually found it. What did you think of it? Any different insights in it, other than what we normaly get around here? Has your H been reading it?

Hang in there. Eventually this woamn will get a clue and find someone else to latch on to. Maybe her own husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We are continuing to talk about a move. H asked me to make a list of 10 places I would like to consider, and I haven't done that yet. I asked him to make a list, too.

Surgery, I am just going to have to let the chips fall. The surgery and the car are my needed preparations should plan F-U be invoked.

I liked the book, but it has been ages since I read it. I need a refresher to be able to give you any real commentary.

How are things today, Limbo?

Ace

Things are pretty good today. I'm sitting at the car dealership waiting for my car to be ready, making use of the wi-fi connection.

It has helped tremendously to have H's email access. And I think it must be helping him, too. He told me the other day he knew giving me the email access was the only way he could possibly begin to restore credibility. Last night he called to ask how I needed him to handle scheduling for the work he needed to finish, and we worked out something that got both of us what we needed.

I have to go on a trip for my charity work at the end of Sept. H has never ever deigned to come along on one of those trips, but last night he readily agreed to do so for this one. I think we will bring DS13 and maybe DS23, and I already bought baseball tickets for the end of the trip. So we will make a long weekend of it.

So no complaints at this moment.