So here we are. My WH and I attended the MB seminar in SF. He listened. Took notes. Got aggitated at times. He spoke to Dr. Harley and SH. Then on Sunday morning he said that it seemed like good info and he wishes we had it when we married and perhaps we wouldn't be where we are at now. He went on to say that he didn't think it would work for him and therefore he wouldn't do the program. He said he doesn't want to fix this marriage but is done and ready to move on. He spoke to a D attorney and thinks that a D won't be too bad (financially).

Now what do I do? He has scheduled a mediation appointment to move forward with a D.

Make it bad financially. Tell him if he files, the gloves are off.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. What to do??? Let your lawyer handle it and follow his/her advice. If it is a divorce he wants, then in that divorce, you go for every single penny that the courts think is fair. You should not suffer any financial loss because of his infidelity.

You can also give the info some time to think in while you are protecting yourself and your assets. Going dark on him might be best right now. I get the feeling he went there without an open mind. Perhpas something that was said to him will sink in. Since you were just at the weekend, you can always choose to call the Harley's and ask their opinion.

I am sorry that you went to such lengths to save things only to be smacked back to reality a day later.

Well OP as Jim and MEDC have already said, his willingness to break his vows, committ adultery and leave the marriage are his but you should not suffer anymore than necessary because of his lack of character and perserverance.

I believe he intends to put the full court pressure on the OW as soon as he is divorced, perhaps could even end up having a RO against him if she doesn't reciprocate.

Get a mean attorney and let him do the D talk, you continue to keep a clear head in case something this weekend or in weekends to come gets through the fog.

Maybe you can post this on the private section of the website and get strategy / comments straight from the Harleys. They'll know you both, and the sitch, and will be able to give you the best advice about what to do now.

I agree with everyone here. Regarding the marriage and strategy talk to the Harley's soon as suggested by AmIok.

Regarding the divorce MEDC and Jim are spot on; get a bulldog anti-infidelity attorney and go for every dime you and your children need and the court will allow. The divorce is nothing but business and you need to take care of youself. There is a reason he desires it quiet and easy. So make it loud and hard.

Well....my advice is just slightly different. Yes, go to the private board and get advice directly from the Harleys (you paid for that as part of seminar fee! Use it!), get a good attorney to protect your finances and establish temporary financial and custody issues....but also, refuse mediation (because you don't want a divorce and mediation is about speeding that process up), go to Plan B and end contact with WH, and do not facilitate the divorce while the OW is struggling to meet his needs in Plan B. Buy some time and give the affair time to fizzle. If you have 30 days to reply....take 30, and then get an extension. Stay dark, and use a mediator to arrange visitation and limit correspondence.

I don't think this is sooo surprising.

My H had several sessions with Steve H and still continued with his affair.

He read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and said it "didn't apply" to him...

This is the nature of the WS entrenched in the A...

The main thing to do now IMO is to continue to tell him tha YOU want to work on YOUR MARRIAGE and that YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE.

I suspect that this is what the Harleys will tell you.

Do not agree to MEDIATION at this time.

Let him pursue the divorce if he wants to but do not be agreeable to this.

Do seek counsel from your own attorney to PROTECT yourself, though as the others have said but do what you can to make the process move slowly.

Agree 100% with Star*fish. Protect your children and yourself, make him bleed, and then do nada. Be especially careful about your Plan B. Every time you are tempted to answer or pick up the phone or come up with a reason "that plan B doesn't apply to MY situation".....YOU LOSE.

Best of luck

Actually it's GREAT that your WH went to the seminar.

He got the information even though right now he is not in LEARNING MODE.

We all should know that LOGIC does not end an AFFAIR.

Orange, did you do PLAN A?

OP,

You will need to get an attorney. Things are special in So Cal.

Everything is pretty cut and dry. It is a no fault state.
His Affair will have no bearing on your divorce.

I don't know if you have children but if you do that is cut and dry too.

It is presumed to be a 50-50 custody from the beginning but from what I have seen it is usually about 70-30 for the mom.

From there they type your info into a computer and it spits out what CS he will owe.

From there in this state if you are married 10 years or more you will be considered a long term M. So Alimony if you get any will be indefinite. Where as if you were married for less the Alimony will be for half the duration of your M.

I beleive Mediation IS REQUIRED to move forward. In other words it is just part of the process, so I think you will be required to go.

Quite honestly fighting a D is almost impossible here.

With that being said find out your rights from an attorney.

In the meantime get prepared to go to plan B.

I did Plan A all weekend. I was understanding of his feelings and offered to talk if he wanted but didn't pressure. We went out with friends on Saturday night and had a nice time. Lots of laughing. It was a bit of a shock when he announced that he wasn't going to do the program. Even then, I didn't react in a negative way. I did cry when we discussed the topic of telling the kids. On the plane, I was journaling about this and kept crying. He got irritated and moved to a different row but I was never unkind in any way.

I don't think I have any choice but to attend the mediation meet and greet later this month. My attorney has advised me not to do any more than that and to make no commitments but to ask questions of a general nature like things about fees, process, qualifications.

Fortunately, my WH is starting a TV shoot on 9/17 that will go through to late October so we will not be able to do anything divorce related during that time. On the downside, the OW will be there as well.

I am thinking that Plan B is in order but have posted this information to get the opinion of Dr. Harley.

We have 2 kids and I am a SAHM so my WH has all the money. So far he is still making deposits into the joint account and I am paying the bills. This could change at any time.

My husband counseled with Steve and said it was Crap.

That's because he was still cheating.

Months later when he stopped cheating and wanted to come home, he'd already had the conversations with the Steve, so he knew what he had to do.

This very weekend, my husband told a friend of ours that Steve was right, and what he said was valid and works.

There is no magic bullet that works overnight. This is a long endurance run.

I am worried that jumping right into Plan B will make me seem uncooperative and push the D issue up on his priority list. Right now I am just Plan A'ing but not offering to help with moving forward with a D. I am letting him do whatever he thinks he needs to do.

Should I remind him that I do not want a D but would rather work on the marriage? Perhaps simultaneously?

He has legal obligations. Secure that via your lawyer. Setup a separate account in case he gets stupid with the $$. WS' can get even more stupid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Coach with Steve.

Remember that up until the flight, he was wishy washy. The plane was going to leave with or without him. Notice his need to put you in precarious situations which aggravate you? He will continue t/d so. Until he hits an object or scenario he can't change. Make it your aim t/b one of those types of objects or scenarios (aka: plan b). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What is currently NOT within his control is time (i.e class schedule, court dates, etc.), $$ (i.e. bills, alimony, etc.) and appointments (i.e. like the flight).

Now is the time to plan carefully.

You know he is a WS on the run. Keep him off balanced as a WS and be on the alert of H sightings.

Plan A your H and plan B your WS. Even if he has been to class, this technique works. He feels he knows your strategy. He doesn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, don't tell him the 'gloves are off'.....let him think u r vulnerable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

OP,

If he has an attorney it won't.

You are in a good place then as a SAHM.

You will get a majority of custody. Especially if he travels.

The calculation for CS is based on his salary, your salary, then the amount of custody. Pretax of course.

So he may think it isn't that big of a deal.

Next you are a SAHM so you probably will get alimony or spousal support. Since your M is over 10 years you are considered long term. That gives you right to retirements, social security and ongoing spousal support.

If he has a good Attorney he will not mess with the money thing now. Looks really bad but make sure you do protect yourself.

Unfortunately in California if one party wants a divorce they will get it.

The guidlines are pretty cut and dry. If he really want out it will happen.

I would say give him a little time. Maybe the overwhelming amount of information seemed to make it hard for him to think he could do it.

It is very soon after the Plan A Exposure. He is still in the Betrayer's Fog and in Withdrawal. And likely still in secret contact with the OW. So, don't take this NO as final.

Do attend the meet & greet mediation. Be noncommittal and gather information. Be careful with lawyer types. They say things like "bla bla bla bla bla, don't you agree?" and they get you to agree. Then they go on to step 2. And get you to agree. And all the way up the ramp to the point where you have agreed to their demands and their terms.

My H did that with me. But I'm not stupid. I gave the broken record response: "Let me think about that, talk to my lawyer and I'll get back to you."

Don't let yourself be engaged in discussions. Before you know it, you're on the way up the ramp to where the coup de grace is administered.

Other delaying phrases:
"THERE'S a thought."
"THAT'S interesting."
"Do you really think so?"
"Ah HAH."

You can drag your feet. Affairs end within 2 years of discovery, sometimes less. The drawbacks of his actions will come to him slowly. Meanwhile, he has taken in the Harley's concepts. Rejected them for now, but they can't help but nestle into his grey matter.

They will emerge when he needs them.

Now, along hte lines of self protection:
DO get a barracuda lawyer to protect you, the kids, and your assets. Seek his advice on whether to force a wage garnishment on your husband's salary.

Set yourself up a war chest. This is a secret stash of money in case of emergencies.

Oh, and about retainer fee for attorney? Some of the attys I interviewed said they would take it by charge card. Imagine the stress this large debt will put on the affair; you max out the credit card with a payment to your attorney, and when hubby tries to buy sweetums a bauble, his card is declined.

It is too soon for Plan B right now, in my opinion. You ARE in Plan A. You are working on yourself, you have exposed the affair, and you have all the MB weapons.

Oh, also, during the 2 years since I served my WH, I signed up with an agency to have foreign students placed in our home. They paid me a fee every month. It is not necessary to declare that money to the IRS. Most of it subsidizes the host family because of increased utilities, groceries, etc. And all 4 kids we got were wonderful houseguests, a real addition to the family.

(You can also opt for a student who take their meals out of the home - slightly less pay for you though.)

I am still optimistic for you and your family.

P.S. edited to add: What's his hurry about legalizing a dv? He doesn't have to have the M dissolved on paper and in the courts to enjoy his affair. He didn't wait for that to happen to initiate it.

I think he's trying to justify it, win the OW back, and show the world that it is "True Love" and not just a sleazy roll in the hay. After awhile the momentum will slow down, reality will seep in, and he will notice that her legs have razor stubble.

He is telling you this because he wants to pursue the relationship with the OW while he is gone. He won't file the papework, but he will be free in his own mind and will tell the OW that he told you he was getting a divorce so "it technically isn't cheating" (in his mind of course). Continue to snoop and expose his affair to family, friends, and OW family and tell him that you aren't giving up. Plan A a little longer, but get ready for plan B, and then go to plan B.

I believe you are right, JMW. He probably has himself convinced that his telling me that he wants a divorce is the same as US agreeing to divorce. He can tell this to the OW and she may be open to taking him back. It's for this reason that I feel like I need to reiterate to him that I heard him say that he would be proceeding with a D but that I am not interested in one at this time. This doesn't mean that he can't do whatever he wants to do with regard to pursuing a D, but I certainly will not help him with it in any way. He is crazy busy. I don't know when he is going to find the time to make it all happen. He knows that he has to meet with a family counselor and suggested we talk with mine to discuss how and what to tell the kids. If he brings this up, I will politely decline to set this up with my counselor. Besides, she told me that she would not be willing to meet with us together about anything because she is my therapist, alone. If this is something that he wants to do, he can find a therapist and make the appointment. I will certainly show up. And he needs to find somewhere else to live by 9/15 when his sublet is up. And he needs to find time to take over the finances himself or get an accountant to do it for us. Again, if he chooses to do this, he needs to do it. I won't make any arrangements that will facilitate a D.

If it becomes necessary, my attorney will file a Petition for Child Support and Spousal Support. In CA, this can be done even if no divorce papers have been filed and guarantees that the spouse making the money, continues to be financially responsible for the household expenses indefinitely. And she will be aggressive.

If I were you, I would reiterate to OW and her father (given their previous reactions) that you are fighting the Divorce and intend to seek all of your rights under the law, including statutory amount for CS (figure out what that amount is and include the exact dollar amount so that $$$ hits her in the @##). Also determine what amount of alimony to which you would be entitled and let her see that amount..Make HER see that being in a relationship with your WH is not going to be everything she thinks it will.

Regards,

BB