My thing is that it seems SO EARLY for you to expect very much from him...

I relate to ALL that you are saying...

But it has been 4 years for us almost...and sometimes NOW I forget about the AFFAIR..but it took a FULL YEAR for us to be NORMAL AGAIN...

I'll just THROW OUT SOME THOUGHTS:

THE ROMANTIC STUFF: Probably did that stuff as much FOR ME as for the R..helped me with MY OWN HEALING to feel WOMANLY...plus PEP told me that would help me with my OBSESSION with the OW..to wipe her out of his MEMORY...

DISCOMFORT AND FEAR: Doing stuff..taking action..helped me with this..sometimes I would get soooo TERRIFIED..really could work myself up.."He's with her now"...PERSONAL CONTROL..that would calm me down.."I can only CONTROL myself"...

EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS: My H DID DO THIS FROM THE START..still does..that WAS VERY COMFORTING..he became AN OPEN BOOK..maybe you can ask your H about this..I read all of his E-mails..same bank accounts..same cellphone accounts...planning to MOVE OUT OF TOWN...

ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS: He also did this..although it greatly PAINED him..that's when I realized his GUILT and SHAME..I think this may help YOU, too...if there are QUESTIONS that you REALLY NEED ANSWERED..I asked until I was finished with the important details that I NEEDED to KNOW..

It does seem that you may need to TALK to him about what YOU NEED..and how you are FEELING...OWN YOUR OWN TRUTHS...as LA would say...

COUNSELING: He would not do it and I didn't FORCE him..although it may have helped. What use would it have been if HE was not committed? He wanted to work his stuff out on his own and has done GREAT with it.

THE 15 HOURS: I think this offers the PRACTICE of being together again. As I have told you before, WE WOULD JUST BE TOGETHER..DOING different things..going DIFFERENT PLACES..so now we have created our own NEW MEMORIES...

Just some thoughts..MORE LATER..

Oh, Mimi, this is most precious material. You have given me the 'guts' and I so appreciate the thought and care it took to post that.

I think I need to talk to PWC. I just want some questions answered, even if he doesn't talk beyond that. I need to feel like I can talk to him, and I haven't.

The 15 hours are there, but this could use some work, I suppose. I need to make more of an effort to single him out, put some thought into the time spent together. I don't think he needs bells and whistles, but maybe some thought as to different activities. hmmm, I'll have to get the idea part of my brain functioning.

"I can only control myself" has definitely become my mantra. That is exactly the reason that I am posting here first. I need to ferret out WHY I am feeling this way, and find the proper avenue to help me. That avenue seeme to be through PWC right now; just allowing me to talk about needs/truths. Part of my fear, is that I dont' want to cause him pain, and inadvertently drive him deeper within himself. I have to be careful to stick to ME and not point anything toward him. I also may need some facts, cut and dry.

Guy smiley,

I sure do love a sugar coating, on anything else BESIDES this subject. I appreciate your candor, and am not offended in the least. I have a thick candy shell...surprised you didn't know that...
I cannot force PWC into counseling. I will talk to him about it. If we can make a plan to talk our problems/hopes/fears/needs out as they come up, along the way, I will be wholly satisfied. If he wants to try it, I'm in for that too!

In reading here this evening, I feel much better. Much more grounded, put my rational, non emotive, thinking cap on. Emotions are poor decision makers.