Hi all. They always say hindsight is 20/20, and I often look back and see many mistakes that I made.

The first thing I would change is that I would have invested the money to call the Harleys. I did check it out, and it seemed kind of expensive for "phone counseling". Even the idea of phone counseling seemed a little odd. Little did I know a divorce would cost me a thousand times the price. It now seems almost like my marriage was not worth the price of a session.

The next thing I would do differently is to FIND OUT what was going on. I knew that something was wrong, and was so upset and stunned, that I let the affair continue undisturbed. My WH started cheating around December 02, and D-day wasn't until July 03. That gave the infidels time to cement the affair. Precious time was spent listening to his excuses, trying to follow him, and denying that anything was happening.

The better course of action would have been to hire a PI or install a GPS. But that seemed too expensive. LOL, looking back, it would have been a bargain.

Anyone else have any changes they would make?

Sometimes, I lie awake into the wee hours pondering this very question.

First off, believer, kind of like you, I wish I had not been so meely mousie in the beginning. He was acting sooo strange. In 25 years, I'd never seen anything quite like it. I went into "he's having a midlife crisis mode." I found myself on a midlife forum. At the mere mention of the word "affair," I balked. I think I even laughed. NO WAY was my husband having an affair. I knew he was going through something, but I trusted him. An affair? That was just out. Not even in my vocabulary. Looking back, and knowing everything that I have learned on MB, I feel sooo very stupid about now. So, in the end, I wish I wasn't so trusting, and so dumb. I will never be that way again. Unfortunately, this whole thing has jaded my outlook on just about everything.

On discovery, I wish I had been on MB. I found it, but didn't know there was a forum. I didn't have Plan A, Plan B really down. So when the infidels returned from their month long vacation, I basically gave him an ultimatum--leave the OW and come home, or divorce. I had even had divorce papers drawn up while they were gone. Sometimes, I wish I had not done that. Sometimes, I wish I would have just gone into a dark Plan B and let the stupid affair ride out. Who knows, it may have saved me from the following six months of pure agony while he waffled back and forth in his head over what he really wanted.

I wish I had been stronger. I was sooo weak, such a wimp. I don't think I set a good example to my kids as I wallowed in self-despair, didn't eat for weeks, ate nothing but crackers and zoloft and sleeping pills. I never, ever got dressed. I just sat in a stooper in my pajamas while my mother consoled me. I wish I would have set a better example to my kids about hanging tough when things go south.

I wish, when he came back, that I had not pushed my kids into accepting him back and forgiving him right away. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. I forgave too soon. I wanted the kids to do the same. I just wanted normalcy. I learned, in those months, that there was not way that was going to happen. As it turned out, I learned that I, indeed, was nowhere near forgiving him then. And truth be told, I am still working on it.

I wish, sometimes, that I would have talked to OW, given her a piece of my brain. As it turned out, not a word was ever exchanged between the two of us. And so, I sit here often and wonder, what the he!! was she thinking? And what does she think now? Is she sorry? Does she think she won his love, but I ruined it for them?

I wish I didn't have SF with him so soon after he came back. It was not good for me emotionally, or physically, as I ended up with an STD. How stupid was I??? I just longed for him. I wanted so badly to show him that I was his wife, I was the one to fulfill those needs. As much as I hated him for what he did, I missed him.

I wish, sometimes, that I would have Plan B'd sooner, and longer. But, like I said, I was so weak, so vulnerable, so much in shock. I just wanted my life back.

Lots of things I wishd I'd have done differently. But we can't turn back the clock, can we?

I would have never even gone out with him on that first date.

I would have dumped him before I married him. I saw several red flags but ignored them because I so was so traumatized by other events.

I would have exposed to PBR's H and not worry about any drug cartel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I would have started smoking the wacky weed so I could be in a better mood during plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (just kidding)

Never married my x-husband.

I wish I'd have found MB within days of D-Day, rather than 4 months after. That was 4 of the toughest months of my life. Not that the next 2.5 years were a picnic, but after finding MB, I knew I wasn't alone, and I knew I wasn't crazy, and I knew I had a plan.

Secondly, I would have hired a PI, and got all the low down in a manila envelope, instead of stalking around for a couple of months trying to figure out what was going on. Would have saved me $$$ in gas, and $$$$$ in mental health.

Third, I would have gone with a scorched earth EXPOSURE, leaning on folks here to help create the list. It still sticks in my craw that my FWW's family views/viewed me as a black sheep of the family, when their precious daughter/sister was living a life that would have been WHOLLY unapproved of by a very religious family.

Fourth, like Believer, I probably would have called the Harleys to help me stay on course, focused on the job at hand, with fewer mistakes.

And if anyone could have convinced me the pain would be so intense, and last so long when I was in the process of discovery and the first few months after D-Day, I may have packed my stuff and started over without her.

SD

SD

Should have waited on marriage. Like Mel, I saw red flags but chose to ignore them, thinking things would change.

Should have tried MB after the first D-Day.

c'est la vie

I would not have let my fear of being left behind at 19 pressure me into saying 'yes' to the first (and I thought possibly only) guy to mention marriage a week after we'd both dated others.

(Shoulda said "How 'bout we 'go steady' for a while?"....or whatever term we used for being GF/BF back then.)

Ace

How nice it is to hear someone else ponders this question in the dark hours..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I KNOW I would have been a better husband in the first place -- I would have recognized her needs I wasn't meeting and helped her see my needs she wasn't meeting. I would have contributed to a marriage that would be "Affair Proof" in the Marriage Builder's tradition.

I KNOW I would have come to this site after discovering her first affair and actually worked through the issues / causes / recovery instead of burying it like we did. I don't believe either of us really came to closure on reasons and remedies. I would have followed "Plan A" and "Plan B" instead of "Plan S" (Swallow all the pain and hurt) and "Plan P" (Pretend things are better).

I KNOW I would have been more agressive in getting her to change jobs after her second affair.

I KNOW I would have researched marriage counselors better instead of relying on "Christian Marriage Counseling" as a reliable credential. Our counselor sucked.

I KNOW I would have divorced her after her third affair. As much as I still love her, I see myself living the rest of my life in fear of affair number four.

I KNOW I would have been more liberal in exposure. Allowing her first affair to be a "secret" (at the advice of our pastor) was a mistake in the bigger picture. Limiting exposure has had benefits in the short term, but in the long term, it has only facilitated more wayward behavior on her part.

I KNOW I would have trusted my children to be stronger and able to cope with life and God's protection over them and not let my fear of the damage a divorce would cause them keep me in my marriage after her third affair.

But, that being said, I don't regret putting my children first -- their well-being and protection are my motivation through all of this.

Then there are the list of things I sometimes think I should have done, but glad I didn't do:

1. Beat the living sh#&^ out of each of her OM. Even if it meant getting on a plane and flying to their town to do so.

2. Kicked her out -- let her see just how much her OM "loved" her.

3. Taken the NUCLEAR approach to exposure -- friends, family, church, work, school, billboards, TV spots, newspaper.....

4. Did I say I would have hunted down her "other men" and physically changed them into "other women"?

Blessings

Hey Believer.....how many "do-overs" did you have in mind?

Artor, I hear you. IF we had called our new/old MC (that H didn't want to call due to embarassment b/c of their 20+ year friendship) instead of the most expensive Christian counselor in the area, we probably could have avoided D-Days #2, 3, & 4. (New/Old MC is a strong Christian, too, but has even tougher standards than MB principles.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

IF I had gone online and found MB sooner, we could have avoided tons of 'needs for the reverse button' events.

I have a question for you Artor that I posted on a new thread to avoid TJing Believer's thread.

Thanks,
Ace

I would have stuck with MB when I first found it -when I needed it the most.

I wouldn't have pushed him out the door to force him to address his depression.

I wouldn't have used SF as a weapon.

I wouldn't have LB so much.

I would have prayed more.

I wouldn't have taken his good points for granted. Instead all I saw was the 'bad stuff' (which was pretty bad).

But I do believe that everything happens for a reason - if I'd not been through what I've been through, I don't think I would have the perspective I have now. After all, if I did, I wouldn't have these regrets now.

JinGA

Pre-A, I should have gone to mc when his behavior was so hurtful rather than withdrawing in hopes he would “get over it” with the help of Ads.

I should have respected him more and been more of a wife than a manager. (His words).

I should have spent as much time and energy researching marriage skills as I did parenting skills. I wish I had found MB in the year BEFORE his A.

I should never have trusted so completely, so blindly.

Post D-Day – I would have exposed to my best friend so I could have had some support and comfort from a friend. I never did expose to anyone other than my sister – DH had agreed to NC the day after D-Day, I didn’t find MB until a month after D-Day and I didn’t understand the purpose of later exposure.

And what I should do TODAY, looking at the present with clear eyes? I should request that we attend an MB weekend together and really work on employing the principles in our daily lives.

I would have picked a better partner and bought Microsoft at $5.

I should have immediately stopped the "friendship" when I sensed that it was changing. I should have said no when he invited me to coffee "just to chat". I should have told my husband when the OM confessed his feelings to me, rather than contemplating my own feelings toward him. I basically let the OM talk me into a relationship with him.

If I could do it all again I would have protected my marriage instead of nearly destroying it.

I have laid awake in the wee hours of the morning pondering this question. I still dwell on it from time to time and feel shame at my behavior when I look back.

I came home from deployment after falling very deeply in love with my now ex while I was gone. I was ambushed on day one.

In retrospect, I would not have been the weepy, clingy, appeasing man that I was. I would have cut her off financially and told her that she could fund her own cell phone and pay for her own clothes and outings to night clubs if she wished to continue acting like a WW. I would have cutoff her bank access completely, taken the new car's keys and used it for myself. I would have sent the nanny back to Europe or kept her to help me. I would have made moves to kick ex out of house. I would not have given her a no contest. I would have fought tooth and nail for every item in the house that was marital property.

I would not have been weak. I would have done a great plan A with a prep for plan B and would have never left the AF.

I think we are dealing with at least two questions here and possible a third...

1) What BS hasn't examined themselves to see what it was that they may have contributed to the climate in which the affair began?

For me, I probably did the most damage by thinking that when she pulled away, it was a sign of wanting to have distance between us to deal with some looming issue. What I discovered was that it was her efforts to avoid the guilt that resulted from the choices she was making. (All before the A) To prevent having to look me in the eye and lie, she began to avoid me and even to do things that would cause me to withdraw from her as well. I still wonder what I might have done a different way that might have stopped us from traveling down this road to separate lives.

I might have attacked the little things that broke intimacy only a tiny bit as each came alone. While these were not giant love busters individually, they were cumulatively a catalyst that moved us slowly further apart. Once the "system" had inertia, it continued as if it was impossible to stop. Knowing what I do now, I'd have attempted to "fix" the little problems before the tiny stones turned into a wall that left her emotionally detached (divorced) from me and our marriage.

2) The second question that comes to my mind is what would we have done differently in the early period after Dday?

For me, I might have exposed more. I might have let more people know what was going on, but I can't really say that I would have been better off than by limiting exposure to those that mattered. I let MY support system know what was going on. I let HER close friends know and her step-mother (next door to OM and the supposed reason she was even in that state), our pastor knew within a short time, and much of her family knew. In fact, it was SIL2 that helped me piece together my evidence I confronted W with. It was ironic to me that HER family and friends all gathered around to help ME because to them, we had become nearly an icon for marriage.

3)The third question I think we all deal with is this, "If I had to do it all over again, would I even bother with this person?"

This is a dangerous question IMO. It is dangerous because it can harbor resentment and fuel entitlement on the part of the BS. We start to contemplate what we might have done if we'd KNOWN the A would happen, back when we had not married and consider that our life might have been better with someone else. The truth is that the other person we might have married may have been a serial killer waiting for just the right trigger to set them off and the argument we had over dirty socks on the floor could have been that trigger.

The bottom line is that we have NO idea what we would have done if we started over and we likely would have done the exact same things because we would have known only what we knew then, not what we know now. While it sometimes seems impossible to avoid the "what might have been" it is the ability to move beyond them to the "what might be" that is a sign of personal recovery.

As long as we dwell on mistakes, ours, our spouse's, other's, we cannot move forward. And no matter how badly we want it to happen, we cannot change the past. We cannot prevent the A from happening or make it never to have happened at all. We can only deal with the aftermath and go into the future.

That future for many will be with the unfaithful spouse and for many others it will be without them.

The question you really have to answer is this..."what is my spouse doing (and myself as well) that will ensure that it will not happen again? I can't say that my wife will never have another affair. I CAN however tell you that we will never again go through the effort of recovery.

Would I do it all again? In the past, probably, but in the future, not gonna happen...not again.

Latin (Roman?) Proverb..."It is not permitted in war to blunder twice."




"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a marvelous Christmas."

Mark

I'm not sure.

Sometimes I wish that I had started actively looking for proof sooner.

But then again, I think that even if I'd had it sooner, I don't think that it would have worked out the way it did. Had I confonted sooner, I don't think that she would have been able to see so clearly what she was doing wrong. I don't think she would have been ready to fly away to live with him...and so when he told her not to come, that seriously damaged their affair relationship.

I think that God had a hand in the way the whole situation played out. A bunch of factors all came together at the same time so that the affair ended, she HAD to see what she was doing was wrong, and it all not only triggered changes in our marriage, but triggered some much needed behavior changes in my wife as well. She (and I) LEARNED from this. I don't know if the lesson would have been as effective if it had happened sooner...before they were "in love".

I was way too "clingy" for the first two weeks after d-day. I would change that...but I caught on pretty quick and quit that about week 3.

Other than that, I don't know what I'd change. Our marriage is great...I don't know what impact any changes might have had on our recovery to get us to this point now.

Great Question.....and one that I have a far different answer to than even 6 months ago.

First, Before he even contemplated an A, I would have agreed to go to MC with my FWH to address the serious issues in our M that made FWH so terribly unhappy. I was doing fine, so I chose to ignore that he was not.

Second, since I was oblivious to the A while it was ongoing, I guess that I couldn't do anything different there.

Third, look harder for a good MC immediately following d-day instead of just wanting FWH to perform some unrealistic miracle and undo the whole thing.

Fourth, and IMHO, the most important thing. Once I found MB (15 months post d-day) immediately schedule a MB weekend or begin counseling.

Since FWH and I have been counseling with Jennifer we are as close to being completely recovered as we have ever been. I know this because I suddenly realized just the other day that the things we do each and every day to meet each others needs and avoid LB's are all about building a better marriage and not about the A at all.

For me it was like a lightbulb going on, we are recovered and things are getting better every single day.

Who