WW is back at work for the first time after a 10-day break. I took her out to lunch and she shared how depressed she is to be back and how she doesn't want to be there anymore. She's sick of our city and is thinking of just taking the job at Location 1 without waiting for offers from Job Locations 2 and 3. She also said she was no longer interested in giving a month's notice and would instead just give two weeks.

She asked me a few questions about my family and what they said and think about her. She said she would never be able to face any of them again. I said that wasn't true, noting she had said the same thing about her own family and now they've invited her to a weekend family retreat ('Yeah, but they're my family, so that's different'). Speaking of which, WW still hasn't decided whether or not she'll go to the retreat this weekend.

Jim has a very nice story about his sister and her wedding he'll probably share with you.

This kind of familial probing sounds very familiar. Be supportive and reassuring in this!

Best wishes,

Jay

I met with our landlord today, who is a lawyer, to explain my situation. I wasn't expecting free legal advice (he is a lawyer, after all) but mainly just wanted him to know that WW was planning on moving away w/o me and I would not be able to afford the apartment on my own unless I got 'spousal support.' He was very eager to help. Maybe even too eager, as he offered to draw up divorce papers for me and said he wouldn't charge me much. 'Gee, thanks,' I guess, but instead asked for a recommendation/referral for a good lawyer, which he e-mailed to me later in the afternoon. I put in a call to her but haven't heard back yet. How should I prepare for my first meeting with her?

Here are just a few things landlord lawyer mentioned to me:

If WW moves to another county and lives there for 3 months, I could be required to deal with Divorce/Separation proceedings there.

I said I was interested in legal separation and he cautioned against that, saying it would be a waste of attorney fees since there's very little difference between legal separation and divorce and when I wanted to divorce I'd have to go through all the steps again. Can you all assure me that, in fact, I DO want to get a separation because my goal is to preserve the marriage?

He said I should get a copy of WW's bank statements to find out how much she's saved away. I've done so (nearly $20K).

Since Exposure, WW hadn't really used her secret/private gmail account, so I thought maybe the knowledge of my access to it had been passed along. But today she e-mailed BFF again. Give me your thoughts on this selected portions:

[color:"green"]So I'm getting ever more tempted by the LOCATION #1 job, particularly with the latest offer of a very cool condo in the best part of town that I could move into immediately and stay in indefinitely. Plus the town has Vegas features on a smaller level (casinos and nightclubs).

But I realized yesterday that no matter what, I will be in CURRENT CITY for at least another month. I let one of my staffers schedule vacation time for the first two weeks of October. I gave the OK for it because I knew that once I leave, my staffers are not going to be able to take any time off. And she's a great worker and deserves a break before the next hardship in the Online Department kicks in courtesy of me. Also, that damn jury summons is for mid-October, and I can't get out of it. "I'm planning to get a new job and leave town and my husband" isn't listed as a reason to get excused from jury duty.

I was telling my dad that last night, and I think my realization upset him. He wants me to get away from BHHFSGuy immediately. But I feel OK ... just knowing there's a way out in sight makes me feel way better than I have the past few months. I know I'll survive, especially after the summer I went through. Of course I wish it was just a couple of weeks before I could be free to change my life around, but I still need to be responsible and professional at work. I have future job references to consider. And it's going to be a lot of hard work to wrap up my job and move, so I think I'm kind of wanting to procrastinate on the unpleasantness of it all.[/color]

Yeah, what a rough summer she went through. Any thoughts or advice on this?

Protect yourself.

Protect your assets. Move your money before she gets to it. She has no intentions of allowing you to try to recover the marriage at this point, and you need to be very watchful so she doesn't clean you out as she leaves. Her email reeks of anger and contempt - with only ONE thing in mind, which is HERSELF.

Do not trust anything she says to you. She does not have your interests in her heart.

SB

WW has all the money. I have less than $2K that is "mine." Should I file for legal separation prior to any move on her part in order to ensure she can't take all "her" money and run, spending it on moving expenses, new place, stuff, etc.?

Have you had SF with her since finding out about her affair? If she offers, I wouldn't because it would be condonation of adultery. Depending on what state you live in, you can get more/less based on marital misconduct. You also might want to move half of "her" money into an account that only you have access to, so she cannot spend it all and leave you with nothing. I will try and give Mr. Wondering a heads up to look at your thread to see how to proceed.

In regards to SF, no IC. I almost laughed when I read "If she offers," considering she doesn't even like to reciprocate hugs, noting 'I don't want to give you the wrong idea.'

My state is CA and the info I've found online states marital fault or misconduct is not taken into consideration when determining an award of spousal support, but it is taken into consideration when "dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate."

I doubt I can move any of her money since my name is not on either her checking or savings accounts.

Also, what are the states she is planning on moving to. Almost all states have better divorce laws than CA. Hopefully, she finds a job in the deep south. If your ultimate goal is to stay married, I would still try and follow her to the new location, even if she resists. Establish yourself in that state, and if you have to file eventually, you will be a resident of that state and be able to take advantage of the divorce laws if they are better.

As others have noted, you really need a lawyer at this point. Frankly, I would make that priority-one.

Found WW's latest text message exchange with BFF:

WW: I am SO depressed to be back at work now. It is so tempting to just give my notice now and figure out where I'm going later. I need to get away from all this!

BFF: You should just quit! Do it for your sanity!

WW: I've wanted to do it all summer and could have totally afforded to. But I have to think of my career in the future. I also dread explaining why I'm leaving.

My LB$ has been emptying quickly the last few days. I'm glad she's taken her parents' offer to fly up to OR for the weekend for a family getaway.

I suggest laying really low, hiring an attorney and filing for divorce.

With a copy of her bank statement in a community property state she is going to have to split up that $20,000 with you. If you delay or hint at a forthcoming filing she may just withdraw the money and convert it into cash. Claiming she spent it on whatever. This MAY just keep her in state and you can still MB while the divorce is pending. She is relying on this money to move and you may preempt that. Plus, you can expose the affair to her workplace which may effect that covetted "good recommendation" she seems so concerned about. She also may just pack up and leave once you file.

On the other hand, if you don't care at all about the money and merely want to save this childless marriage. Then I could conceive of a sceanario where WW's email is merely an indication of what she is telling OM. She's putting him off. The affair thrives on lies and manipulations. IF WW really wanted to take off...there is nothing stopping her really. Instead she is spinning OM this story because she doesn't want to tell him the real truth. She is conflicted. If she told him that...he'd act differently. He'd be hurt and wouldn't be providing the false thrill of admiration and affection. Instead SHE would have to spend countless hours assuring him of her "love" for him.

Thus, it may seem WW has made a decision when she really hasn't. OM is placated, for another day or week. That's all WW is really concerned about. She needs her OM fix. Her OM dosage is maximized by lying to him and putting him off. She's still completely unsure what she's gonna do but that decision is for another day. Today...she is content.

At the very least, WW's email indicates you still have time for Plan A. You can fill these next few weeks/months with Plan A and then when she leaves...Plan B. Make her carry all the load as far as filing for divorce and such. Hopefully, the affair will crumble in on itself in the meantime. Eventually, in Plan B, you will have peace. No more snooping. Nor more "trying". Just preserving your lovebank for the day OM and WW breakup and she comes scurrying back to the man that stood by her side despite her HORRIFIC life choices.

If the money is no concern. No need to scramble. No kids. No custody battle. Just patience and eventually Plan B to preserve what remaining love you hold for her and hope.

Mr. Wondering

The referred lawyer called me up a few minutes ago and said she had talked to my landlord in court today about me. She asked me to explain the situation and I tried to sum it up as best as I could. She was very, very insightful. She said that a lot of times the WS fights really hard to leave but then ends up breaking up with the AP in a few months. So if I wanted to try and let that scenario occur I should not file for divorce. She agreed that my WW probably doesn't want to file for divorce because it would make it harder for her to feel better about herself. She said I should not accept any blame from WW for trying to be faithful and true to the marriage. I told her it sounded like she's seen a lot of these scenarios and she said 'Unfortunately, Yes.' I really felt good about our conversation and feel like she would be a great lawyer to represent me. The only problem is that she's leaving for vacation now so the earliest I could meet with her is Sept. 26. Obviously I wish I could meet with her right this minute, but I'm thinking two weeks should be wait-able considering WW just wrote to BFF that she'd be staying through the week of Oct. 15.

I should say here also..

My post doesn't say do nothing and await your fate.

Plan A includes the carrot AND the stick.

Expose away...even OM and his family (I don't remember if you covered this). Maybe even her workplace, though it may seem that would hasten her decision to leave. If she gonna leave...she's gonna leave. Call her bluff. Then OM will be pressuring her harder to leave when she's likely just not ready too.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W,

The email was from WW to BFF, not OM. OM pretty much wants nothing to do with her WW and has moved on to another job and is back with his girlfriend. OM still fields a call or two from WW, but has pretty much moved on. Does that change your advice?

Only slightly.

She's still conflicted and putting off the friend. She even refers to being "more tempted" which implies there is more under the surface holding her back.

I wonder what's up with WW's father wanting her away from you so much. You might have typed up something about that earlier. Hopefully it's just an initial reaction to exposure (you are mean cause you implied his daughter was a slut). If you have any relationship with him at all you could call him just to talk and garner his confidence. Kind of a friends close and enemies closer kinda thing.

Tough sitch. I am hoping this move thing is merely a continuation of "escapist" "fantasy" thinking of a typical wayward spouse. In reality...she's to depressed and distraught emoitional to do much of anything...but it's fun to fantasize about.

Mr. Wondering

I don't think that FIL wants him away from WW, but rather WW is "projecting." If anything, FIL just wants WW to be "happy." Or, maybe he wants WW to stop leading her BS on and just end it if she is planning on leaving. Most of the family seemed to be very understanding of BHHFS and disappointed in WW and BFF.

I still think your best bet is to follow WW to the new job and plan A because the A is pretty much dead especially if WW moves across the country from OM. You can then plan B her from your new location if things don't improve. There isn't much to gain from filing now except maybe only $10,000 and that will probably hurt your chances at reconciliation.

Also, what state is job #1 located in?

If she's dying to move and you are OK with moving yourself...then move with her.

No better way to Plan A than to participate TOGETHER in the fantasy and excitement of a fresh start in a new city. All the packing and preparations will be done TOGETHER.

Hopefully, you WILL NOT be moving anywhere near enabling BFF.

Mr. W

How have you been doing in plan A? Have you scheduled any fun things. What are you doing together with your WW? What would she enjoy? Think about it, and try and schedule fun things to do. If she doesn't join you, so what, go out and have fun anyway. If she doesn't want to spend money, you make the sacrifice to go have fun (or your WW is on the hook for your debt anyway). Try and reconnect with her any way that you can. The A is pretty much over, now is your chance to try and reconnect. Keep it light and fun.