Mark,

I am currently reading Boundaries in Marriage. I have to read it slowly and probably over and over again. I never had a father. He left when I was born and I never had contact. Because I never knew him, I didnt feel the sting of him leaving, but I know it effected me. Partly having an unknown fear of abandonment...partly because I didnt know how special I was as a women.. Good Dad's give that to their daughters. Boundaries may have been easier for me and expressed in a healthy manner if I hadn't depended so much on my husbands opinion of me to determine my value. Not fair to him or healthy for me. So much to learn.

Thank you for the scriptures - Yes...I read the bible..it's life.

Here is Dr. Harley's article on addiction: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Melodylane,

Thanks for the link. I will try to contact alanon and get some information. Although pot is not something I agree with..it's illegal, etc., I dont hear of it linked with addiction, like alcohol etc. I know I need to get some information. thanks for the wake up call. A couple people I had shared this with felt more like pot wasnt the problem, the lieing about it was...and maybe if he felt more accepted by me, he would not have to hide or feel judged.

tawny, believe me it is the same. Pot is a drug just like alcohol and can be just as devastating. AA and NA [narcotics anonymous] are full of recovering potheads. Your friends are misinformed, unfortunately. Pot is a mind altering narcotic just like alcohol.

Pot is the problem and you should not accept it. You should "judge" that pot is damaging, addictive and ILLEGAL and should not accept it. Lying is wrong and the use of narcotics is wrong.

Tawny, there actually is a group called Marijuana Anonymous for pot addicts, but I don't think it is as widespread as Narcotics Anonymous. That being said, Alanon is very widespread and is available for spouses of addicts. A FAQ from Brown University: http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/atod/marijuana.htm

Tawny:

I didn't realize your husband had logged in under your name.

You really didn't write this did you:

"Although pot is not something I agree with..it's illegal, etc., I dont hear of it linked with addiction, like alcohol etc. I know I need to get some information. thanks for the wake up call. A couple people I had shared this with felt more like pot wasnt the problem, the lieing about it was...and maybe if he felt more accepted by me, he would not have to hide or feel judged. "

Pot MAY NOT be Addicting in the normal sense, like alcohol, or other drugs.... But, if he has been doing this for 30 years? I think its an addiction. It's an escape, and way to disconnect with his reality. And that's the addiction part.

Pot ain't the problem, the lying is? Ahhhhh, what's up with that?

The lying goes hand in hand with the pot. and the affairs. and the distance from you. and the distance from the kids.

See the pattern?

It's not the drinking that's the problem, it's the fact that the police keep stopping him afterward that's the problem...

See the avoidance in THAT statement? It's the same pattern.

And the coping mechanism's you have created in the past 30 years for his behaviors, are still in place.

Alanon can help you break thru these coping mechanism's and allow you to become a much stronger person.

That's why I recommend reading some of BrambleRose's stuff. She was where you are. And decided to change the dynamic's. Her life ain't perfect, (who's is?) but it's a whole lot better than it used to be. And she's still married to an alcoholic, but she has learned new and better coping mechanism's for minimizing the effect of the alcoholic on her family.

My two cents, really. Others around here are much better at the addictions stuff, like MEL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No, I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you can FIX this, but the pot issue needed to be corrected before much other MB can happen.

His promising, for example, to only do Pot on the third Weekend only, is like me promising to only see my OW once a month.... Doesn't mean squat. Doesn't move my M in the right direction. Doesn't grow us.

LG

thanks again melody

This is sobering and a bit scarey. There are so many casual users and it pretty accepted...not necessarily with my close friends, but my husbands friends. I will definately do some research.

From Penalty Kill


Tawny, pot is not physically addicting like alcohol, cocaine, etc. *But* it is very psychologically addicting, and any former addict will tell you that the hardest part of getting over an addiction is the psychological aspect.

You can be over physical withdrawal from a narcotic in a few days; but your brain chemistry may take months to right itself. If you feel like it, look up Narcotics Anonymous on the 'net. There's a lot of information out there.

I would ask your friends, where is it written that you have to accept your H's drug use? It's perfectly fine for some things to be unacceptable. His usage obviously bothers you. If my H decided to take up cigarette smoking, you can bet that I would find that unacceptable.

Back to the other topic, I would have a heart to heart talk with your MIL. I would tell her about both of your H's A's. Enlist her help. She's enabling him to escape his responsibilities by living at home. He belongs in *his* home.

PK

LG,

You are funny.. I appreciate your candor. My first thought was, "oh, no! How did he do that??"

wow..:) I needed to hear what you said. You used the word avoidant. That is the word my counselor uses about him. That he has many avoidant behaviors. I actually just read a book about Love addicts and the love avoidants they attract. I will read the posts from bramblerose. I had actually written her name down as I had read some earlier things that interested me. I do really love my husband and want this to work. Thanks for your comments!

PK,

I was going to talk to my H about coming back home. I haven't said anything to my MIL as her health is very very poor and I dont want to add more stress to her. Every day is a gift right now and she really loves her son, as she should. I just dont know if it is worth it to put her through that much pain. I know she loves me and we are very close... that would hurt her..and I feel like I would rather protect her. He has helped her quite a bit while living there. She is very positive and everyday just hopes for the best.

Tawny, instead of protecting your MIL from the truth, why not tell her the truth and ENLIST HER HELP? She loves her son and devoting herself to helping him become a MAN might be a productive distraction from her poor health. She is a valuable, experienced resource that should be used.

Another benefit of telling his mom is that not telling her enables him to continue his destructive lifestyle. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so does drug use. His dirty little secrets should not be hidden from her or anyone else. He should face his mommy like a MAN and explain himself if he is going to living here mooching off her.

If it were my son, I would want to know so I kick his [censored] out and tell him to act like a MAN.

Tawny:

I reread your first post.

Understand first, that the pot use will have to be addressed first before you can make significant progress with your H.

Just you don't think we will not help you until you address that, it will move faster if it is. And that's why I mention BR, I think much of what she says will have resonance with you.

That said....Can you move in with MIL as well? Because then you can work with H and MIL.

Your kids are older. You MIL is Ill. It may spring your H faster than asking him to come home.

Confirm if your H's affair is OVER.

Through access to email, cell phone records, and travel times. You say its over. Are you SURE?

Plan A, as Mel mentioned, may be eaten up by your H. But you can start doing some aspects of Plan A that will improve your R with your H.

Admiration:
Going to work.
Paying the families bills
helping his mother during this time.
What else?

SF:
I would avoid this right now. Maybe no pot=SF

Domestic support:
Not possible with him out of the house
Invite him to dinner at the family house.
Cook him something he will like.

What are his other significant emotional needs?

And as you progress with that, we can offer assistance as your sitch unfolds.

LG

Edited to add:

Tawny: Here is BR's thread, her last post had her summary of her various threads.
BrambleRose's thread about recovery

From Penalty Kill


Tawny, as a mother, if my son came back to live in my house at the age of 50, rather than living with his wife, I think that would add stress to my life. Nothing says "You failed" like your children living at home when they're 50.


Trust me - nothing you say to her is going to affect her love for her son.


Who says it has to be painful? It's all in how you explain things, and if you stick to the facts, and do it in a caring manner, it will enlighten her. She knows of the most recent affair. He's living at her house. Do you really think that she is going to be blindsided to hear the whole truth? And I do think that your marriage is worth it.


Tawny, you're protecting somebody....and it isn't your MIL. Three guesses as to who it is. I have a book that you might want to read. It's called Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.


My H helps his parents all the time - and he doesn't have to live there to do it.


Hope is not a plan.

PK

dittos

Larry

PK,

I have the book..:).obviously a problem, hey? I will have to read it again. Things just must be soo deep. I will read the same book over again for the first time. Truths that I thought I believed just keep changing and deepening.

I am protecting. I am afraid PK. I am afraid I am going to do to the wrong thing and push him further away. I am just afraid........my continueing cycle...trust..fear..rest..struggle..fear...trust..question..

From Penalty Kill

Tawny, I understand your fear. You don't want to make a wrong move, so you're stuck making no move. But while you remain static, things around you are changing.

One thing that changes is that you and your H grow farther apart. Recovery cannot be undertaken when H and W are living apart.

What do you have to lose, really, by telling his mother the truth? You're not just telling her about his As, you're telling her that you want to work on your marriage, and that you want her help.

Right now, your H is living in an artificial situation that *enables* him to avoid responsibility. As a WS, it's a tough thing to stay in your marriage and prove yourself worthy and accountable, and face the problems that you've created for yourself and your spouse. It's not the same thing as sweeping the problem under the rug after a specified amount of time and telling your spouse that she should be over it already.

I will say that your thread has a wide variety of posters on it, BS and WS, male and female, long-time poster and sometime poster (me), and the fact that we're all saying the same thing is worth noting.

PK

Fear is not a plan. Success is based on a plan, not fear. Failure is certain without a plan. Failure MAY happen WITH a plan, but a plan is the ONLY path to maybe success. Risk = reward.

Larry

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and words of wisdom. I have a lot to think about. I am reading Codependent No More and I also bought Fall In Love Stay in Love last night.

My H is coming over this evening to discuss finances. Keep us in your prayers.

I have also read many of BrambleRose's posts with many tears, and am continueing to read them and also familiarizing myself with MB principles.

Larry: Risk = reward
Are you familiar with DISC test on personality styles? My test scored with pretty equal parts of supportive/CAUTIOUS and then some insprirational. {My H is Dominant/Inspirational}
Anyways, I do get the risk part in my head however the cautious side of me is in knots. I do recognize the importance of a plan and am moving in that direction. Thanks for the reminder.

My father in law died two weeks after he learned of my husband's affair. Sometimes I think it is harder on the parents than the spouse to see how the WS behaved. My father in law was already in ill health and in a nursing home but he took a dramatic turn for the worse two days after my mother in law told him how their son, the one most like him, had treated his wife. In your case, your mother in law may be able to talk with her son. My husband had the idea that his family would defend him and their reaction was not exactly what he had expected. He thought, in his own mind, that somehow I had deserved to be betrayed and abused.

Consider your own fragility and your need to protect your health and your sanity, whether or not you tell your mother in law.

Cherished