Attractiveness: ok ron, so if its not physical maybe its emotional attraction...which is a big duh i guess. I'm not attracted to my husband either. I told him this over a year ago. He didn't understand. I couldnt really explain but found myself linking it to how HE made me feel. I would tell him, "maybe the reason I'm not attracted to you is because you upset me, anger me, don't kiss me, dont take me out -all the time, but I'm not sure."

Now that I've found MB...I'm 100% sure that's why I dont find him attractive, his attractiveness is completely (as far as I go) link to my emotions. Sooo the less I love(like) him, the more unattractive he gets. Food for thought, come to your own conclusions about what i just said.

You're second point:
(I look at her expression, and it seems almost sad...)
1.When people are happy others around them look happy, when you're sad others look sad...Do you think this is the case with you and you are imagining her sadness?
OR…..

2.She's sad, if there’s NC because he’s making it that way, she’s going through withdrawals and it has nothing to do with you. REMEMBER: he’s back with his wife. It was HIS CHOICE to end the affair. HIS, not hers.
OR……

3.Maybe, she’s not happy because she’s lonely. She doesn’t have him and she doesn’t have you. Her life isn’t fulfilling. She doesn’t know what she wants and her life is a mess. She has her bills and nobody is helping her pay them. She’s responsible for herself and your child. Life is a little difficult out there all by herself. And she’s feeling the pressure. Plus, she may be questioning whether or not she did the right thing. And maybe around you see asks tough in regards to you guys’ daughter but when its just her and her daughter, she feels, sees, and listens to the pain that she inflicted on her daughter. Maybe someone with some sense is telling her the truth and its getting to her.
OR…..

Other

…don’t know….what do you think? 1, 2, 3, or Other?

A third point:
Reading your past post….”emotional affair?” Hmm, unless you think she slept/sleeping with the OM, I don’t think you should say anything. I don’t know, one poster said this could all be in her head and that may be true. This guy could have been nothing more than a friend that when he found her to start liking him, pulled away because he loves his wife and didn’t want to get anything started with her. I’ve known women (friends of mine) that fall head over heels and read into signs that just aren’t there. And I can see that there’s nothing there, but when people are in love you can’t tell them anything. This affair could be real to her, and only her. I’m like you, find out…

I could help, and other women too, we’re good at coming up with ideas to snoop and uncover the truth…we’re just born that way…. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Beauty....thanks for your wisdom... I've let this slide for a few days, so I can try and digest all that's been said.

I am fairly certain that she's not very happy with her current situation... She said she doesn't like coming home to an empty apartment, and all of that, she misses certain things about me, I guess, but at the moment, there's not enough to make her see what was there before.

A very interesting thing happened last night though. I was planning on going to my Karate class, on the way to dropping our daughter off at wife's apartment. She said she was going to take Stephanie out to a movie, and that I could come if I wanted to. (Not a really warm invitation, but one nonetheless) I decided I would go to my class anyway, and when we were putting Stephanie in the car, something amazing happened.

Stephanie (who is not quite 5) started tearing a strip off her mother. In french, she was saying she was tired of going to mama's place, to papa's place, and she repeated this quite a few times. She said she didn't like it, she didn't like having two houses. My wife had a look of embarassment/guilt/annoyance on her face that was something to see. I think that that's the first time anyone she can't brush off has told her what she thought of what was going on! before Steph would say how she felt with a lot of tears and sadness, but this time she was almost angry. And it was all directed towards her mother. I almost took some guilty pleasure out of seeing that!

Ron

I've changed the title of my post! I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with/act towards my wife....

As you have read, she's moved out, and is fairly cool towards me, in terms of whether she comes back or not. I know it's early, and all of that, but can someone give me some advice on how to deal with her?

I guess I'm looking for suggestions (keeping Plan A in mind)as to whether I should be warm and accomodating, cool and aloof, that sort of thing. I sure don't want to be a doormat, but I'm afraid that if I seem apathetic myself, I'll give more fuel to the "I'm not attracted to him" fire. Each time we speak with or see each other, it's friendly, almost upbeat. I'm trying to keep an optimistic/positive outlook, but is that working against me right now? Should I help her with financial/technical problems or let her find her own solutions (she has no end of friends who can help her with handyman type of problems)

Thanks everyone,

Ron

Another question, similar to the should I be cool and aloof thing.

Tonight I asked her to come over for supper, with all of the kids. It was a really nice time, lots of laughs, finished off by going up the hill to give some apples and carrots to the neighbours horses. It was just like old times, except she got in her car and drove away after it was done....

Is this sort of thing working for or against me? How much (if at all) should I try to "court" her?

Also, is counselling likely to help given our situation? I'm all for it, she was pretty cool to the idea when she was still in the house, I'm not to sure if she'll even consider it now that she's out.

I hope someone will give me an idea, I sure as ****** don't have one!

Thanks,

Ron

Ron,

Who knows what goes on in the mind of a WS. But, what I have observed over the years is that if you are a great dad to the kids, and they enjoy being with you...THAT IS A GREAT THING. Trust me it is.

As for how to act around your WW, I think you start with "civil", you go to NO LB's, you show confidence in yourself, and you dress well, and smell good. Occasionally you might be hard to find. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But, mostly you avoid LB's and smile. As for helping her out? Nope, her choice, her problems. She needs to receive the consequences of her choices and actions. You aren't planning to run over and fix something if you are divorced are you? You aren't planning to make her life just great in her apartment are you?

Let her deal with HER issues. You be a great Dad, a confident man, and avoid LB's. Oh! and a bit of civil, but not gushing might just help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

I would have to agree with Just.

Also, I would remind her that you would like the marriage to work out and that you love her. But please do not give her the impression that you will wait for her forever.

What's the update?

Hi Waking, and others......I was able to get away for a week with my band to Colorado.....What a great time! It's a beautiful place, and a great way to recharge my batteries.

There's not much to report on, other than it feels like she's moving farther and farther away from me. She's been reading books on how to deal with children of divorce, and although she seems to be really happy whenever I call, there's no indication that she misses me. Basically, I'm still in limbo.

I went to visit this evening, to see my daughter. It was really nice, I missed her so much, and it was only five days! Almost the whole time she was telling both of us that she wanted me to stay, or that she didn't want to live in the apartment, she wanted mamma and her and I to live in our house together......It was heartbreaking. I don't know how she could do this to her daughter....

I was wondering about two things...no, make that three....

1st. Given that she's very ambivalent to the idea of continuing our life together (and I feel that's an optimistic view of our situation), is there any use in trying to suggest counselling?

2nd. I'm really beginning to feel annoyed and frustrated, to the point that I'm almost ready to throw in the towel......I know that I've only gone through a fraction of what others have; I don't want to go there yet, but how do you keep hope and love alive, without going insane. Every time I think about us together, I feel sick. I can't see how I can keep hope alive, and not burst a seam.

3rd. My brother, who has been here and has since got back together with his wife, said I should be in Plan B, as she has moved out of the house. I'm not sure of that, I feel that I can continue with my current course of action. But, as I mentioned, every time I think of what was and what could be, and every time I see her and our daughter, I feel devastated...nauseous....the usual thing.

What are the opinions on these three?

Thank you everyone...

Ron

Another question I have, is how should I deal with our daughter? She is really bothered by this situation, and everytime she sees us together, she's doing or saying things to get us back together. It's what I want too, and it breaks my heart to see her in such pain.

How should I deal with her? So far, I haven't been hiding anything from her, (no mention of the affair) I've told her that Mom doesn't want to live with me anymore, and that it's her choice, not mine. I've been doing my best to encourage her and support her, trying to help her get over the hard spots.

Is there anything else I can do? I still keep wondering how a mother could do this to her child.......

Thanks,

Ron

I can't begin to describe how frustrated and p,o,d I am. the other day my wife was talking about how our daughter badly our daughter was dealing with this. For crying out loud, isn't she the one who has created the whole damn thing!! She wanted to split up my weekend with Stephanie, so that it would "keep her from missing either of us too much" I was so pissed off.....not only was she suggesting that I lose some of my time with her, it was couched in such a way that it would look bad on me if I said no.....

Why is it that these spouses of ours always look to us to help them out after they have desroyed everyone's lives?


Somebody give me strength........please

Oh, Ron, she is just like all the waywards. She is destroying her family right in front of your eyes, and acting like she isn't. At least she realizes that your daughter is hurting. Most don't. They cause pain to their kids, and walk away, saying the kids aren't bothered by the breakup of the family.

I would STILL talk to the other man's wife, and let her know you are suspicious. Your wife moved out. She has SOMEONE.

Hi Ron.

Sorry you are going through this too. I think the WS is so focused on self, that they couldn't formulate a logical thought on how their actions are effecting everyone else if they tried.

I can relate to your frustration at not being able to reason with your WS, though. It's sort of crazy-making to try to have a rational conversation with someone in the fogged out state of mind, they just don't seem to get anything you say to them.

But please don't feel alone, because you're not. Many people on this message board have felt despair over their situation every now and then just like you.

Have you looked at some of the other threads on here for guys who have WWs too? You can learn a lot by reading other people's responses and applying them to your situation if they fit.

I hope this helps.

How do you know what you know about this affair? What are you doing to find out more?

I have just very recently been in a similar place to where you are now (like, days ago man!).

It seems odd to me that she would have moved out and split up the family over an emotional affair, I would bet that it went well beyond that.

Listen to these folks. You don't know what to do, so do what they tell you. What do you have to lose?

Well, I was talking to my 15 year old son today. He has a great relationship with my wife (his stepmom). He was supposed to go to her place last week for supper, but she cancelled, telling him she was going for coffee with Rob...the other guy......

Imagine that, my son telling me that he thinks there's something going on between my wife and his boss.

I guess that's the proof that I need, I'm going to expose to his wife, I just need to figure out the best way to do it...My son is really upset. He was almost in tears when we were talking about it. I can't say I'm not surprised.....still is really crappy....

I hope that you were honest with him, and told him that you think there may be something going on and that you have a plan.

Just call her, say "Hey, I don't have undeniable proof of this but I've got some strong suspicions and a ton of circumstantial evidence and I'm wondering if you can help shed some light on this situation for me. . ."

That's how I started this same conversation with the OM's GF. It got the truth for me, I hope you are as fortunate.

What do you have to lose at this point? If there's an affair going on, you gotta stop it before you have a chance at working things out with your W.

This is just a post to get things off my chest........I don't have anyone to speak to right now.....I can't believe how crappy I feel....it's worse now than it has been since March. It was my daughter's birthday on monday.....I went to see her at her my wife's apartment.. she wouldn't let me leave...at first she was holding on to my ankles while I was putting on my shoes.....playfully....then when I picked her up and gave her to mom.....she kept on reaching for me and crying....

My son is devastated.....he's been so upset about what he's learned....(and that's not even all of it).. I just think about what he's dealing with....His boss (who he likes, got him a job), is having an affair with his stepmother (who he loves), causing her to leave his father......What in God's name have I done to deserve this, and more importantly, what have my kids done to deserve this.

the only place I can say this is here......I have really dark thoughts......I can't say them to anyone else, because all counsellors and shrinks are obligated to pass on any concerns they have. I can't afford that...so everything is building up......God give me stength. I don't have much left.

I had an email from her today, she said we should meet for supper or for a beer to discuss where we are at (in the relationship)…..I’m not thinking she has had a change

You've got to stay strong and motivated for the kids. You also have to do what is necessary to facilitate the transfers between them and your WW. There is no benefit to you, her, or them to have tearful scenes every time they are picked up or dropped off. So put a smile on your face and tell them to have fun with mommy.

If your marriage ends, its not the end of you. It might seem like it sometimes, but you've got two kids to look after and when all is said and done your relationship with them is WAY more important than your relationship with your wife.

You need to do what you can to make progress in the relationship, and if there is an affair going on then you can't make progress until it ends. You need to take the steps that are within your power to end the affair, and one of those things you can do is expose it. Have you contacted the OM's W? DO IT! It might not work, but what do you have to lose? You make her mad? So what? If she's not mad about that its something else, right?

Thank you Tyk, I really appreciate your advice. We had our daughters birthday party on Saturday, which was Ok, tough to be around her and put on the Plan A face, but it went ok...and tomorrow is our anniversary. Lucky number 7! It's a pretty tough time right now!

I was wondering if you or someone else could go back to the questions I asked earlier....Any suggestions?

Thanks for everyting,

Ron

Waste of time if she is in an active affair.


Not sure how long you have been in Plan A but if you truely are at this poing I suggest Plan B otherwise there won't be anything to save. (ie the affair will eventually end but you won't be open to reconcilliation because you are done with her)


Well this totally contradicts the previous paragraph doesn't it? I do think Plan B time is near.

I also suggest you tell your daughter her mother has a boyfriend and that you would like to be a family again but cannot while she has a boyfriend. Her consequences.

I assume you have exposed this affair?