It's been exposed. The other guy's wife knows, at least about my suspicions. And my wife's family knows. I haven't told her friends yet, but that's coming up soon.

My daughter today said "mom doesn't love you anymore. She never will again" She told me that's what mom said to her. And wife wants to meet sometime soon to have a "state of the union" talk. As I mentioned, I'm fairly certain she's not going to be rushing into my arms....I expect she's going to be drivng a wedge even further between us.

What's next????

Ron - If you are thinking about suicide, I hope you will see a doc for anti-D's. They work great, although I know men hate to take them.

Be assured that the affair will end. Also I wouldn't rush to have a "state of the union" talk over a beer. Get busy enjoying your own life. The problem in talking to her is that as long as she is an infidel, she will continue spouting nonsense.

I would concentrate on making a good life for myself. She will probably be coming back when the affair ends.

Ron:

Okay, I've read your thread...

It was hard, because your inaction for so long - effectively enabling your WW - has been infuriating 2 read about.

Do you have a legal separation? Has she filed for DV? (I know the answer 2 those questions already).

Why on Earth would you agree 2 let your daughter stay overnight at her "wayward apartment" when she has a home? I worry that you are establishing a precedent for your W 2 start off with joint custody and work up 2 sole custody when she files for DV on you.

If you want 2 let your daughter see her mom away from home, be there with her and take her home with you afterward.

Tell your son the whole story. Probably tell your daughter as well (though I guess from above that you already have).

Take a stand for your marriage. Do NOT agree 2 meet with her over beers 2 discuss her plans for breaking up your family. Tell her that you don't "do" divorce, and you don't want 2 discuss it with her.

I have no idea how long you've been at this, but I think that now would be a great time 2 write a plan B letter, get it reviewed on here before you send it, and then give it 2 her WITHOUT having this "state of the union" discussion with her at all.

TELL her what you want your marriage 2 be, and that you will do everything you can 2 keep your family intact and whole. Tell her that you will break NC with her at such time as she feels the same way you do about your family, and is willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 repair this rift between you 2.

-ol' 2long

Thanks believer and 2long.....

I'm already on happy pills, for about 3 or 4 months now.....I'm waiting for them to work! I'm doing what I can to do things independant of my married life, going out, doing things....I guess you can say I have moments of levity, but nothing really lasts too long...Everything comes back to where I am....pathetic, I know, and very unproductive........

2long, I know, this has gone on too long....I kick myself more than anyone else......I am going to a lawyer this week to start a separation agreement (my action, independantly), and no, she hasn't filed for divorce....actually, she hasn't pushed for anything, formal agreement, support...nothing like that....it is an emotional and physical separation at this point, nothing legal on her part.

As far as not letting my daughter go to her place, there is nothing I can really do to stop it...it's early, but that I have, so far, an uncontested 50% custody agreement, (one week with me, one with her), is quite remarkable in the province of Ontario...Here, if you establish a pattern before the agreement is in place, the judge tends to stay with it if there are no problems. All our contact has been civilized, she still feels a bit of guilt for what she has put us through.....I really need to capitalize on that, as far as my legal standing is concerned.

My son pretty much has figured out the whole story..he's a smart kid, and knows what's going on.....

Every time we talk about our relationship, I tell her that I still belive in our marriage, that it shouldn't be tossed away so easily.

I've pretty much decided that I have to go to plan B, all my efforts so far have been (no surprise here) fruitless.

Can anyone send some links or suggestions for a good Plan B?

I can't thank everyone enough....all I need now is some optimism!

ron

There hasn`t been much change in my situation lately....There hasn`t been any contact with each other, I haven`t called her, and she doesn`t call me, unless there`s something specific she wants to talk about....It`s about as close to plan B as you càn get without writing a letter....<

I`m spending the weekend at her family`s place this weekend, with my daughter, which is great, and painful at the same time. They are great people, and know what I`m going through, the only thing they don`t do is condemn their daughter, or give her a hard time for what`s going on.

I`m still looking for some plan b letter ideas...is there a link or two out there for some suggestions..

Thanks again,

Ron

Well, I spoke with her again tonight, she called to ask about somethings to do with our daughter. During the conversation, she was asking about the sale of the house (not pushing for it now, but asking). She mentioned how she didn't want to stay in the place she is in now, she wants something better, and needs the money from the house sale. (Her lease is up next July)

I know she's completely set on a total and complete separation, she sees no future with me, i'm sure. I know this from her sister.

What to do.......looking for some answers......any answers.

How did the OM's wife respond to the news that hubby is cheating?

hi believer....

She was very upset, disbelief, tears.....said it couldn't be........then she hung up. I haven't called since, so I don't know the current state of affairs (no pun intended) in her house.

My wife suprisingly hasn't mentioned anything about it....

Ron

Sorry Ron...I don't mean to TJ...but I really hate how some of you (not you Ron) really get off on this exposure thing. You all should read some of your posts. It's pretty awful. The situation is bad enough but you insist on ruining everyone else's life around you. It's not your business if the other person doesn't tell their spouse. All you can control is your life. Putting GPS on her car? Keyloggers on the computer? Spying like the CIA?
For what? Is it really worth it? Why do you people insist on this? I know you all have your "to do" list after an affair is discovered...but how about just talking to your spouse and asking "Do you love me? Do you want to married to me?" If either answer is no then maybe it's over.
Why prolong the agony? Everyone's agony.
I think that it is very admirable of BS's to take back their WS's. I am happy to hear when marriages can survive infidelity. It takes a big, forgiving heart to allow a WS back in.
Ron...I know this is hard. I am sorry that your wife hurt you. I am sorry that your children are in pain. Marriage is hard, separation and divorce are hard. Affairs suck. All we can do is try to figure it out and be happy.
You will survive this. Your kids will too. If your wife chooses to leave then there may not be anything you can do...not really. I hope that you can find some peace when this situation finds its resolution.

PeaSoup, maybe you should stick to what you KNOW, having affairs, and let us stick to what we KNOW, busting up affairs. We GET OFF on that. MUCHLY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ron is here to learn how to save his marriage and bust up this affair, something about which you know nothing. You only know how to have affairs and he doesn't need help in that regard. Please leave the man alone and concentrate on fixing yourself.

It sounds awful to you because you are a WAYWARD who is still lying to her husband. We are GLAD it sounds "awful" to you; it is supposed to! It should make you squirm like a ho in church on Sunday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Peasoup...

Of course you find snooping and exposure to be horrible...You are a WS still hiding things from your husband, it is no surprise that the thought of the TRUTH coming out is anathema to you...Advising Ron to just ask his wife those questions and accept the answers is comical...1. WS LIE and 2. WSs are in the FOG and unable to make rational decisions and choices...So Pea, help yourself before you start chiming in to help or chide others...

Mrs. W

Ron,
I'm sorry if my post on your thread offends you. That is not my intention. I don't want to hurt you either or make you angry. I posted here becasue I was reading your post and the responses I read made me angry and sad. It's a shame that our marriages are reduced to these methods. I know that the WS's bring it on themselves but it's still sad.
I am also not qualified, in any way, to counsel you as I am a WS. I have lied to my husband and, for the life of me can't find my own truth. This is all very painful. Even for us lowly WS's.
ML and MW, I really don't mean to goad you. This whole technique just makes me upset. And no...not because I have so much to hide. You can say and feel and think what you like.
After all I have put my husband through and after all we have been through together, he remains a gentleman. As I have said before, he has not called me one name. He knows that I am not a ******. He wouldn't want to married to a ******.
You all espouse that you are followers of the MB philosophy but I have yet to find one article or post where Dr.Harley calls any of his clients ****** or whoremongers.

Peasoup...

The REASON that the responses make you angry and sad is BECAUSE you are currently a WS...Follow the advice that a lot of us have given you on YOUR thread and you can become a FWS-when you are FIRMLY in FWS territory, I promise you, exposure and snooping will NOT bother you one iota...Until then, you are VERY unqualified to help people here and would be best served keeping your opinions off of the threads of others...Your choice of course...But I promise you that if you keep disparaging tried and tested MB methods you will meet with the strong resistance of people like myself and ML who hold MB near and dear...Best not to swim upstream, wouldn't you agree?

Further, I have never called you a wh*re personally-but what is worse, the WORD wh*re or the BEHAVIOR of someone acting like a wh*re? I'd like you to consider something...When you are married and you have sex with a man other than your husband, what does that say about your behavior? Pretty wh*rish, no? And remember I say this as one who has been there...No question about it, when I was a WS I behaved like a WH*RE...Now what else would you possibly call it?

Mrs. W

We know why it upsets you, PS, and we find that very encouraging. It is supposed to upset a wayward. That is GOOD, not bad. We would rather that you be upset than the betrayed spouse. Thanks for the great feedback and encouragment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS, ML is dead on right. These tools exists because the BS's need to have the tools to stop these things before they have gone too far...

If only I was as savvy back then as I am now!

Ron, you didn't make a mistake by exposing. In fact, I would follow up to see if you can gather info on what she is being told.

Most likely, when reality hits, both WS's will realize what HUGE mistakes they have made.

Wow...I was away for a couple of days, and this happens!

PeaSoup.. Only speaking for myself, I can tell you why I want to give my marriage the best chance it has to survive. My three sons have seen my original marriage fail when their mother cheated on me. Since then, they have seen her go through so many different guys, that her own sister referred to them as the "flavour of the month". I was hoping that I could show them that it is possible for a couple to have a lasting, loving relationship, that isn't thrown away whenever things look greener on the other side of the fence. After this, I wonder how they will treat women in their life, seeing as how the most important women to them consider marriage and loyalty to be disposable.....

I also am doing this for the sake of my daughter, who hates this situation....it has created a huge wound in her, that no amount of counselling will ever heal. Sure, she will get used to it, but she'll never forget it. It will always be there(the three boys still have issues with what happened).

I don't want my wife to stay with me if she really doesn't want me. I would be sick if she came back "for the sake of the children". I do want, however, to have a chance to heal my marriage, to fix the problems that developed over time. I'm responsible for at least half of them, I know. Given that we have been in each other's lives for ten years, we have a child together, and she has been as close to a real mother to my sons as you can possibly get, I feel that I deserve a chance to make things right.

The only way I can do this, is if her affair is over. While she is seeing this SOB (if indeed she still is), I don't have a chance, my marriage doesn't have a chance, and my kids don't have a chance. I don't believe she started this with a clear head....She herself has said she is "insane". You can't sign a contract when you aren't right in the head, I don't think you should leave the people who love you the most when you're that way, either.

I sure don't want to cause the wife of this man any pain....I waited as long as I did, so that I could confirm in my own mind that the affair was still going on before I dropped the bomb on her.....devastating news.....but it's better to know, than to live a lie. Who knows.....they may end up fixing their life as well.

Right from the very start of this, I was intent on being able to look back at myself and say, "I did the very best I could to save my marriage". I (along with everyone else here) will do anything I can to give my family the best chance of survival.

I don't know you Peasoup, I haven't looked at any of your other posts, but I can tell you that I don't want to lose my marriage or my future, without giving it the best poosible chance. I certainly don't want to lose all of that because of something so tenuous as an affair with a married man.

I won't call you names, but I do hope you find the strength to give the people in your life the chances they deserve. I wish you well.

Ron

Lately, (for the last 5 or 6 weeks), my wife and I haven't really spoken much. When we have, it's been business stuff (kids, house etc). No physical contact at all, and usually we're separated by at least 5 or 6 feet. The other day, she came by to pick up our daughter, and it was pretty much business as usual. Distant, polite, but nothing more.

Just before she left, she was talking about the house.. I held my hand out to her, and said "come here" After a very brief hesitation, she came to me, and I gave her a hug that lasted at least half a minute. She pulled away, and I saw she was crying. She got into the car quickly, and her eyes were brimming with tears.

Since then, she has emailed me a few times, with a tone that is much more like she used to be, and we have had a couple of conversations that have beena lot more upbeat, not so much of a "when are you picking up the kid" type of call.

I know it's dangerous to try and put meaning to individual comments, or actions, but this gives me some hope. Was she crying because she misses me, or because I was just chopping onions? Any ideas out there?

Also, I've been talking about going to Plan B, does this latest development mean I should put that on hold?

Ron.

BTW..Peasoup..I'm interested in hearing from you again

any thoughts on what I should do, or which direction to go?

I am going to be seeing her on Thursday, if I can, I'd like some ideas to "take to the table"!

Thanks,

Ron

Perhaps you gave her some hope that things can be fixed? Maybe it made her realize she misses you? Who can know?

I wouldn't let a hug change your plans too much ron. What is happening with her Thurs?