Today is a day that should be right up there in the "I"m feeling great today" days.....I talked on the phone with wife for about an hour this morning, just about stuff...no relationaship things, it was all pretty light and good...

I asked her if she would like to come over for supper one day this week, she said yes..even told daughter she was coming over.

Had a friend over with his 2 girls, my daughter played for a couple of hours with them. (I've known this guy since kindergarten...haven't spoken to him for a few years, then he called out of the blue on my birthday)

It was a beautiful cold sunny day....So why do I feel like crap?? I'm almost as blue as I have ever been.....What the heck is going on here....

Its just part of the hand you've been dealt as a BS Ron. It sucks, and its going to suck for a while, but not forever. One way or another, this will end, and you will be better off no matter how it ends. Right now, you're working towards a goal, you've got a plan, and its showing results, so keep the game face on and stick with the program! Like I said, find something to do, it makes the suckiness a little more tolerable most of the time! Treasure your time with the kids, regardless of what is going on, you don't get do-over with your kids. You know that, just a reminder!

Good to hear that the WW is talking to you and coming for dinner! Put on your Plan A face and have a good time!

Lol..... 2 kids will be dining with us... won't be any chance to do "relationship" talk! It should be safe!

Well, wife came over for supper tonight, it turned out pretty well, I think....Daughter and son were with us, and we had a good time. No relationship talk, just chatted about our respective jobs, what was new, that sort of thing. We ended up playing ball with daughter in the living room for half an hour or so before she left.

She's not showing much of anything like affection, nor anything like that, but I that would be a bit too much to expect! On the other hand, she's not pushing me away either. Who knows! We will be seeing each other again tomorrow night, when son's band plays a show at the high school..

Anyway, thanks for everything, everyone!

Ron

Had another interesting night tonight....My son had a concert at his school, which my wife wanted to see. Met her there, and I brought daughter with me. We had a really good time watching the show, talked lots, laughs.....Stephanie was really happy to be with mama.

My boys are really doing a great job at Plan A'ing my wife too! They are all over her, making her feel really welcome. They're doing a lot to try and win her over as well. I told them I needed their help, and they have really stepped up to the challenge. They think that it's all their fault that I'm in this mess; I've told them they aren't, no more than I am, or my wife is, but they know that everyone has to work at this, as everyone helped create the situation.

The real heartbreaker came at the end of the night.... My wife doesn't shy away from any attempt I make to touch her. If I put my hand on her shoulder, or hold her hand, she doesn't push me away... Having said that, I don't push that, I only do it very rarely.....Although I would kill for her to reach out to me..... When we left, our daughter was crying and soooo sad, about having to leave her mom.....she wanted mom to come back with us....I felt so awful. I wasn't sure if I felt sadness for my daughter, or rage against my wife for doing this to her.....I sooooo wanted to say something like....."are you happy this is what you have done?" I didn't.

Encouragement is desperately needed here.......

Ron,'

You were right not to say anything. I'm sure your WW felt the same way. Sounds as if she is starting to feel 'safe' around you again which can only be a good thing. Great you have you're boys on board too. Keep up the Plan A

All the best

One day at a time, Ron. You are doing great. Keep it up, the fog seems to be lifting.

I forgot to mention.....from an earlier conversation, she mentioned that she 'still has feelings' for the other guy.....said she 'was in love with two people'.....presumably I'm one, the OM is the other.

I'm certain there is no active affair (physical) going on.....I can't give any definitive proof on this, it's just more of a feeling based on what I've heard her say and what I've seen. Having said that, I know she is still in contact with him, she just mentioned that he brought apples into her office, for her and the other teachers.....and, I know she went out for a supper with her class from last year, which he was a part of.

I watched them leave, (the group that is) and I know that they went seperate ways.

I am still thinking that Plan A for a while longer is good..(based on what I've read in other threads) I'm not ready to cut ties......emotionally I can't do that...I also know that my "Plan A" from before was pretty poor...it had no focus, and we ended up in 'relationship talk' a lot of the time. I also didn't have my kids on side as much as I do now, and they were a big part in the problems leading up to this.

Actually, my other 15 year old, (the evil twin to the musician...the foil to the relationship between me and my wife) said this to me tonight on msn......(As I mentioned before, they have done a great job at Plan A'ing their stepmother....).....


-Sean- says:
Alright dad, im going to go to bed now. Ill talk to you later. Later man
ron says:
ok...before you go, I just wanted to say thanks again for helping me out in situations like tonight
ron says:
I saw, and i really appreciate it....
-Sean- says:
yeah
ron says:
so thanks. to you and Duncan
-Sean- says:
Dad, yeah
-Sean- says:
I actually want her back in the house
-Sean- says:
Like its not right, feels weird without her here, I know the allmighy heartles Sean would never be expected to say this, but I do miss her
ron says:
I know you do. lol.....that's funny. You be good pal....i'll see you soon!
-Sean- says:
Alrihgt
-Sean- says:
And next time I see her, im going to tell her

At this point, how much can I do? How should I go about pushing for N/C? Should I talk to OM?....tell him t leave her alone, keep his apples to himself? Threaten to tell his wife again?


I know my wife loves me.....she's just not attracted to me. Part of that I know is interference from her feelings towards OM. I'm doing what I think now is a great PlanA. I even have my kids doing it.......What is my next step??

"What is my next step??"

To continue doing what you have been doing. The "next step" sometimes involves patient endurance rather than "active doing" of something.

Think of it like watching a pot boil. You WANT to make the burner hotter to get the water to boil NOW! But the water will continue to heat up at it's own pace, responding to the heat that has been applied to it, and eventually it WILL begin to boil. You maintain the heat and you wait patiently for it to have the effect you want when the water reaches the boiling point in it's time.

The next step is probably Plan B. Stick with a strong Plan A for a while longer though. It sounds like you are having and impact and creating conflict within her.

Just keep a good Plan A, as if you have to use Plan B you want to go into it with her last contacts with you being positive.

Hopefully it won't get to that, but Plan B is necessary in many (most?) cases.

That's great that your kids are helping you! I bet it brings you closer to them as well.

Thanks.....I'm about ready to explode! But then I've felt that way for months beyond count now.....

Any opinions on the oontact with the OM? How to bring it up, how to enforce it.. Or would bringing it up at this point put any progress I've made in jeapordy?

OK Ron, I've only read this last few posts on this page.

Am I right in assuming she's not still in an active affair?
She works with OM and he is married?

Is OM reconciling with his wife? How much contact have you had with her? How is she going about reconciling with him?

I presume you know that NC is the absolute key. There can be no recovery without it. One of them needs to leave their job. Maybe OM's wife can help with that.

I also hope you aren't using your children as pawns - they should freely tell their mother what her affair/absense from home is doing to them and how they feel about it. It was a powerful reason for my wife to end her affair and come home.

Are you a Christian Ron?

thanks for joining in Big...

I am 'almost' certain there is no active physical affair going on. I have no proof, other than that I have found no proof of it. I have watched, spied, drove by, all of those things, and haven't seen anything to suggest there are any meetings going on.

She used to teach french to him. They don't work together anymore, he finished the course, and has been sent to work in a different location, although geographically close.

He is married, has 3 teenaged kids. He is still at home with his family, as far as I know, things are stable with them. I ave driven past his house on occasion, and have seen his truck in the driveway. I haven't had any contact with her since the exposure.

I know that NC is the key....I just am not sure how to go about bringing it up again...As far as she is concerned, we are separate. The only leverage I can use is that NC is the key to our recovery.....whether she's in an affair or not, she isn't driven to saving our marriage. She hasn't discounted it completely, but she hasn't shown that she wants to work on it for a while.

I don't think I'm using my kids....Some will disagree, I'm sure, but they believe that they are responsible for her leaving...(these 3 are her step-kids) they did all the things that teenagers do, it'd take hours to describe the last 10 years! But, I told them that they aren't to blame, no more than anyone else is, but I needed their help to get her back....basically, she felt unloved/unwelcome by two of the three.

I think our talk opened their eyes a bit, leading to the msn conversation I posted.

Our child in common, our 5 year old daughter has told mom more than once that she hates two houses, and will often be very sad during the exchanges.

One of the 15 year old boys is very close to my wife, and has figured out for himself what happened between her and the other guy. He became really bitter about it for a while, didn't talk to her until I spoke with them. She actually mentioned that she missed speaking with James. I don't know if he should tell her he knows, or if I should tell her he knows (he told me this in confidence), or what. If I leave it up to him, he'll never tell her...that's his personality.

As far as being Christian, I am, but not really what you would call a practicing one. My wife is what you would call a 'fallen catholic'...raised French Canadian...church every Sunday....then she gave it up like everyone else in Quebec. She's now big into 'Conversations with God' and that sort of reading.

thanks for reading!

Ron

Forgot to mention, big

Although she doesn't work with the guy anymore, she sees him at least occasionally, when the class gets together for a social event...this has happened a couple of times, and there's about 5-7 people going out. Phone calls or other contact, I can't comment on.

See it's impossible for her to withdraw from him if she even EVER sees him.

Why have you not told your kids what she did?

BigK

They know.. As soon as the first figured it out, he told the others....The only one who doesn't know is our youngest. The big ones don't want to talk about it, they're teenagers after all.

I know she can't get rid of him while she still has contact. She told me she still has 'feelings' for him when I asked about it (3 weeks ago). When I said that she had to get rid of him, she said how would that make any difference? If I don't see him, I'll still feel for him, and why would that make me feel anything for you?

Is she in a position of authority over this guy? Or he over her?

She was, when she was his teacher....However, the class ended last June. Since then, there's no authority position at all. She's a civilian instructor, he's military, and not in the same office anymore. His workplace is about 40 miles away from hers

The other 15 year old son (sean, the one cpied from the msn post, called my wife today, and asked if he could come over for supper at her place next week.....she said yes, and he said it sounded like she crappped in her pants when he asked to come over...she said yes! That is, yes to coming over.....not to the other part....

He really means well with this, but I have told him not to expect anythig...her reaction could be great, or not........ere's no way of knowing.

I'm glad he's doing this, I've felt really crappy the last few days......It's nice to know that there's more than just me working on this!

I'm going to be away for a week starting tomorrow..off to a course for work......i don't know if i'll have acces to the internet, but i hope i can get some advice during my absence!