Thanks sd,

I just got back from my mother's place, we had the family Christmas there....it was a good time! All the kids had fun, we laughed a ton. The morning was good, daughter got lots of presents from Santa, and the big guys did pretty good too. They did a great job of pumping up the whole Santa thing for Stephanie. There wasn't anything under the tree for me this year, but that's ok.

I spoke to the WS as well, she called to say Merry Christmas to the kids, and asked to speak to me as well. I think more to discuss when and how we would exchange Stephanie later this week, but maybe, maybe she wanted to say Merry Christmas to me too (I'm not really putting a lot of weight into that one) She did ask me to say Merry Christmas to all my family, although she hasn't had any contact (self imposed exile) with them since March.

She's been having a great time there, as far as I can tell. Although her family doesn't really agree with her choice, unfortunately, they are all of the mindset, of, "do what makes you happy, make the best of it, move on, that sort of thing. I don't really believe there's anyone who has pushed her towards the marriage side of the choice. That's kind of annoying, but what can ya do?

Anyways, thanks again, and Merry Christmas to you, and everyone else!!

Ron

I'm glad you had a good Christmas.

This sounds pretty typical to me. ILs will frown on what WS is doing but not actually lift much of a finger to pull them out of the fog. I'm not sure that they can, anyway. People just don't understand how infidelity works and what Fogspeak (and revisionist history), and ILs certainly don't want to hear about the lying and disgusting behavior. They will feel the need to "support them in their crisis." It usually means enabling, and it sucks, but that's the way it is.

Thks guy...

A funny thing happened today....my wife, (on self imposed exile, hasn't seen or spoken to my mother or other family since at least march), said when we were discussing how and when to drop off our daughter, said that her parents and other family members might want to come with her, to see me, and say hi ((I love her family to bits, the loss of them is almost as bad, if not worse than losing her).

I told her, that's great! My mom is ocming with me for the trip, and she'll love to see everyone! (my mom also loves my inlaws, thinks they are the cat's bum)

Now, my lovely wife has refused to contact my family, whether from guilt, shame or whatever else, i don't know. When I said that mom was going to be there....there was a very noticeable silence.............It was almost laughable!!! Because I was dropping off our daughter, she couldn't say no, she wasn't going to be there, but I know she wanted to! It was great to see her (through the phone lines) squirm with discomfort....imagine, she's discombobulated by a 75 year old woman!

So, I imagine there will be a convoy of cars, filled with her family, so that she won't have to face my dear old mom, whe loved her more than her own daughter!

I'm just about to drop the plan A nonsense......Only going through the motions, I guess, since I haven't spoken with the Harley's about shifting tactics. Jennifer may suggest I hang on a bit longer, but I really don't have the enthusiasm anymore........I'm tired....Maybe it's just because it's Christmas, but I'm really tired......I know that I'm not supposed to expect anything in return, but it's draining............My "new" Plan A is about 2 months old.........before that, my "old" Plan A really sucked.

Advice, encouragement, bricks........are all appreciated!!!

Ron

It is your call. I personally think Plan B is appropriate for you right now, but talk to Jennifer first.

You can only do what you can do. If you're comfortable that you've done all you can to show her, then you probably have. Many times it seems Plan B is required to jolt a WS to thier senses. Just be very informed going in, and do it right! We'll be here for ya to help you through it best we can.

Thanks Tyk.....

I am pretty much resigned to plan B. I guess I've really known that for a while now. I really wish I didn't have to go there, because it scares the crap out of me.......... Damn! why don't these bloody WS's see what they're doing!?!!?!?!!?

I guess i'm afraid that if I go to Plan B, the wife will say "he's let me go, or, he didn't care, or, let's have a party' or something like that...I know I have to go there, but the letting go is hard..........

Also, my kids (teenagers, all), have been doing a fantastic job in Plan A'ing their step-mom..........I really am proud of their efforts.........I'm really worried about the affect on them.......that is, me going dark...do I involve them, ask them to join me........let them make up their own mimd.. And then, how do they end up perceiving her? Especially, when or if, we end up reconciling?

Way, way too many what if's in this situation for my liking!!

You explain it to them, and allow them to make thier own decision regarding how they wish to treat your WW. How they will end up percieving her will depend on how she reacts. That has very little to do with you. She is responsible for her part of her relationship with the children. You can't do anything about it, even if you wanted to. I'd just explain to them that you can no longer allow your W to hurt you and you are removing yourself from the damage she is inflicting in the hopes that she will come to her senses and want to come home.

You said they took to Plan A and worked it with you, I suspect they will do the same with Plan B. It is thier choice.

As to the fear. I was terrified too. I didn't do things 100% MB, I didn't find the site until very late in the game. But things did not turn around for me until I faced that fear, until I decided within myself that no matter what happened, I was not going to live "like this" anymore. That I preferred divorce to the status quo, but would welcome and prefer reconciliation more. Once I got to that place in my head, it was such a relief. It also had an immediate impact on my WW. She knew, immediately, that the jig was up, that there were no more boundaries for her to cross, and it made all the difference in the world. If anything though, I acted too late. In retrospect I see that I allowed my lovebank for my W get completely drained. I was approaching the point of indifference, if not already there. It has in ways made our recovery more difficult. So there is something to the "protecting your love for the WS" part of Plan B ron. Plan B really should be implemented quickly after it is being shown beyond a reasonable doubt that Plan A is not succeeding IMO (REPEAT! In MY Opinion!). The thing is, its very difficult for a person that is IN the situation to know, because they are hopeful that its working, they are fearful that it isn't, and they just flat out DON'T know what thier WSs are doing. So they struggle along with Plan A until they just can't take it anymore, finally going to Plan B in a last ditch desperation effort that really takes its toll on them, the BS. If they'd just made the call earlier, before they were completely spent, it would be a much healthier transition and put the BS in a much better place for recovery should the WS choose to return.

See, these are the things that just can't make sense to you right now Ron. These are the things that I am just realizing, 3 months into recovery! Which is why so much of these plans really just require the BS to take a leap of faith, to trust that those that have gone before really do have a clearer understanding of the process than the person in the midst of the process. I say this not to get you to act according to my wishes, but to let you know that there are reasons for the plans and that it is expected that you don't understand them or that they don't feel right. That's why its a plan!

So don't fear Plan B. Welcome it. Just going into it might turn things around, and if not, within it you will find some peace of mind. Plan A sucks, its hard work, it builds alot of resentment, requires you to endure alot of pain. Plan B, it really is all about you and your recovery.

Thanks Tyk, that is a great post...it really gives me some meaty things to think about. I know that Plan B is just around the corner, I just want to implement it properly. My initial try at plan A was pretty poor, so I want to make sure I have a good strategy for B, when it comes.

I'm still waiting for Jennifer to get back to me with the revised letter, so I'm in a bit of a holding pattern as far as any further action.

Incidentally, I met the WS today, to exchange our daughter. I brought my mom with me, it was the first time in 10 months they have seen each other. It was a nice, friendly visit, (very short....WS and her mom arrived 45 minutes late d/t weather) You could see very clearly that wife was uncomfortable, strained about the whole thing. I gave her and her mom some gifts I had prepared, which really surprised both of them (nothing for me, I wasn't expecting anything) They didn't open them there, WS was wanting to get out quick, likely a combination of discomfort, and weather.


On the way home, I got a call from WS, telling me that they had just arrived (5 hour trip, which normally would take 2) She said she didn't want me to worry, wanted me to know they got back safe! Then she said she'd call in a couple of days to chat, and to talk about the gifts!

Maybe Plan A has done some good, all the more for her to miss when I go B!

Thanks again,

Ron

Given that Plan A is not effective in ending the affair in something like 85% of cases, this is often the point of Plan A--setting up Plan B.

Plan B, when you can get there, is going to work wonders for you. It will be hard at first, but it sounds to me like you are still living and dying on her actions/reactions. It's natural, but it takes a huge toll on your psyche. Trying to interpret the actions/words of an active wayward is a path to madness. Plan B will remove the temptation.

When will your legal situation be resolved well enough for you to initiate Plan B?

And, in the meantime, you need to suck it up and do the best plan A you can, for the reasons stated above.

I was able to get my letter vetted to it's final version tonight with Jennifer...I'll be sending it out tomorrow or the next day. Here it is:

My dearest:

I have found that starting this letter is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Usually I have no problems with the written word, but in trying to write this, I find that I want to say everything all at once, and everything I want to say is fighting to get out and take first place. It has created the biggest writer’s block I have ever had! I wanted to write to you, to tell you something about how I feel about what has happened between us, and how we might be able to get through it. Putting my thoughts down on paper at the very least takes away from all the distractions we have when we are together, and hopefully my feelings will be clearer to you, and to me as well.

From the first time we met, everything about you has drawn me closer to you. Your smile, your laugh, your joie de vivre, your beautiful big blue eyes, (these are only a sampling, I could go on…..) have created in me a love for you that reaches down to the deepest parts of my heart, and my soul. You are truly a wonderful, beautiful person.

It shames me to think that, despite all my love for you, I let you down. What with all of the things that have happened to us over the years, (the boys, the house, Stephanie…and a host of other stresses and demands) I didn’t do the right things to take care of the most important person in my life…….you. I did what I thought was the right thing, but I was off the mark…I know that, and for that, I am very sorry. When we had to deal with all the mundane, demanding and necessary things in our life, we forgot to take care of what was really important… us.

I know that we have so much potential to recover from this, and to be better than we ever have been before. I would love to have the chance to show you what I have learned, and I would really love to have us be able to fall in love with each other again.

By the way, it was very thoughtful of you to call the other day, letting me know you got to Isle Perrot safely. I really appreciated it.

With all my love,

Ron



PS:

The boys too, have realized a lot. We both know that they took you for granted (both of us, really), and were demanding, and miserable, and all of that. You don’t see them nearly as much now, but the change in their attitude is remarkable. They have learned a lot about themselves and how their behaviour affects others. I can tell you with all honesty that they really miss you. I had a conversation on MSN with Sean a little while back, and in it, he told me a few things that might surprise you. He told me, and I quote: “Dad, yeah….I actually want her back in the house……Like, it’s not right, feels weird without her here, I know the almighty heartless Sean Xxxxxx would never be expected to say this, but I do miss her”.

Jennifer feels that this is a last seed to plant in the Plan A garden, and that if I notice any change then I can revise my timing for Plan B.

As far as the legal thing goes, I've started to call other lawyers, but because it's Christmas/New Year, no one is around. My case isn't very lucrative for them, so they really aren't too interested in dealing with me, I don't think. ie: uncontested, no court drama..that sort of thing....

And, as you said sd.... I'm sucking it up....Putting on a happy face, that sort of thing!

Thanks for all your input, everyone!

Any thoughts or comments?

Have you started on your Plan B letter?

Jennifer wants me to use this as a pre-plan B letter, sort of a last ditch effort at A, and it gives me some time to get the legal crud in place. The eventual Plan B letter will be similar to this, I'm sure.

It sounds like Jennifer, all right. I wouldn't dream of contradicting something she recommends.

You'll need to steel yourself for the likelihood that this letter will fall on deaf ears. You have invested a lot of yourself into it, so prepare yourself. Remember, she's an alien.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I think its a good letter. It is honest, and real. I also caution you to try to not bring alot of expectations into her reaction. I remember many times talking and writing to my WW like this, and it never had any effect, and oftentimes seemed to make things worse. That always hurt me alot, that she just wouldn't see my love for her, that she just wouldn't believe and trust that we could get through it.

Its ok to tell her how you feel, just don't let it crush you when it doesn't reach her like you hope it will. I say this not to discourage you, but just in hope that you will not be hurt so much if it doesn't have the reaction you might be hoping for.

Hi Ron,

Great letter but I echo the sentiments of Tyk. Try not to pin any hopes on it. I know how hard it is to take the step into plan B, I've only been there 3 days but it has to be better than constantly being the best spouse we can be and getting nothing in return.

Thx for giving me your support on my thread.

Tarnsy

Guys, I can't thank you enough for answering me.......I'm feeling particularly crappy tonight; reading your answers makes me feel a bit better.

I know that I'm not going to get any answer at all to this letter, if I do, it will be something I don't want to hear. I wrote it knowing/expecting that........As I mentioned before, this is about my last kick at the can before I withdraw completely. I can feel the waves of bitterness and resentment boiling up from within!!

I guess the only reason I've gone this far, is to let myself say in years to come, that I did all that I could. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that whatever happened is not my fault, and that I did everything I could for my family.

Now, as much as I'm feeling like crap today, I read the local newspaper, and here is the horoscope for 2008 for me. I'm not really a believer in this, but it's kind of interesting:

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Your biggest challenge will prove to be your greatest opportunity. An unwelcome development will end up giving your self-confidence a massive, well-earned boost and cause others to treat you with new respect. As a result, a project you have been plugging away at, more out of habit than hope, will gain a momentum of its own.

Thanks again for reading,

Ron

Well, I’ve been reading a lot of other posts lately, I’m both inspired and depressed by lots of them…..It looks like a number of you seem to be enjoying(?) some progress in your efforts. Me, on the other hand, seem to be backsliding, or at the very least, have been pushed further away by my beloved wife. Twice now, she has said she would call from her parents place, and twice she hasn’t. I really feel that going to Plan B would make her happiest, she seems to be enjoying a total absence of communication with me!

No doubt I’m feeling the same as everyone else who has prepared to take this step off the cliff. I’m preparing myself to expect that going dark is going to push her completely away…..but then, I’m slowly but surely beginning to not care.

Before I go to B, can anyone tell me if there is any “last ditch’ strategy or plan to use to “suggest” or “encourage” her to try counseling, coaching, or anything else? I’ve done my letter, which is going in the mail tomorrow, but before I send the PlanB letter, has anyone tried one last go? And, how did it work, if at all?

As well, before B, is there any good or harm in going into a “bare bones” talk about the relationship? Not so much trying to educate her, but more to counter all the things she’s said about our relationship ie. “I never felt any attraction for you”, that sort of thing.

And lastly, I could really use some good advice on how to set up a good Plan B. It’s more than a letter and ignoring phone calls, I know that much.

Thanks everyone,

Ron

Ron,
I've been following your post ever since you stopped by mine. You've seen the mess I'm in, so I don't feel qualified to give advice to anyone. I've just been hanging around quietly. I'm here pulling for you though. I'm still in plan A, only been doing it for about a month and it's been mostly bad. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm going to continue a bit longer to atleast get some good plan A'ing in before I go to B. I here what you're saying though. I'm starting to feel some resentment and maybe losing some love. Sometimes I feel like I should keep going until it's all gone. That way I wont feel anything for her anymore and it won't hurt so much. I think we both know that's not what we want, so hang in there and do what's right for you!

Well, let's see - you have to figure out any reason your wife would need to contact you, and plan how to eliminate contact. You are allowed contact for financial things, and kid things, but it is better to have it all worked out before, so that the WS can't get a fix from you.

Some will accept the Plan B letter's intent and honor it and others will do everything in their power to have contact, so you will have to wait and see how that goes.