btw..I just saw your last post and I swear I could've written that myself. I think we both know the answer about "suggesting/encouraging counseling" at this point."


I am wondering about this too and again I think I know the answer, but I'd like to know what the vets think. It could be the last seeds of info. that you plant before disappearing. Sorry if this is considered a thread jack.

DM....don't worry...No TJ taken! I'm interested in their opinions too. As for your plan A, I would say that most of the vets here would say that a month is too short. But I'll add to that on your own thread.

Believer, thanks. I would like to have absolutely no contact as much as I can make it happen.

I could use some positive energy tonight....I'm not feeling all that great tonight...I'm going to be picking up my daughter tomorrow(today), which is great.. But the way I'm feeling right now, I want to tear a strip off my Beloved Wife.........

I know that's not a good idea.....anyone able to help me re-direct my frustrations? She left a message on the phone this evening, sounding all happy and wonderful, I wasn't feeling the same way, let me tell you!

I'll have to see her in the morning.....help me put a smile on my face..........

Let's see, something that will make you smile..............

Plan B will make you feel much, much better. It was the thing that saved me.

I think sometimes you just HAVE to speak the truth, respectfully, calmly, but clearly. I know you're supposed to refrain from LBs and relationship talks in Plan A, and I believe that it is good and important to limit yourself. I personally did too much talking through my version of "Plan A", but in the end it didn't seem to hurt anything. I just think you have to reach out sometimes, and test the waters.

Thanks, Tyk....

I have bottled up everything I wanted to say for so long.....I think that once I start, it will come out like air leaking from a balloon! The frustrations of the last months are enormous!!

I think i took my first step towards B today,, I picked up our daughter from her place, and as usual wife was cheery and all of that. I never bothered to take off my coat, got DD ready as quick as I could, and made ready to leave. Normally we will hug and exchange a kiss on the cheek, this time I just said "See ya, have a nice week" and left. She didn't make any effort to give me a hug, but she looked a little surprised when I did that....Who knows, maybe the surprise was relief?

Ron

Before I go to Plan B, while I'm still working on the separation agreement details, I want to see if WS will speak to Jennifer.

I'm not holding a lot of hope that she will agree to it, but I don't see that it will do any harm if she does.

Can anyone (especially any former WS's) give me some suggestions on how to most effectively talk to her about this?

Thanks all,

Ron

Ron,

Did you send the Pre-Plan B letter? Did you get a response of any kind? What about the REAL Plan B letter? Do you have that worked out at all yet?

You know, the only way I was ever able to convince my H to go to counseling was to convince him it was to HELP ME! I had to convince him I needed him to go to help ME learn how to deal with what was happening,,not to have the counselor talk to HIM! Of course, when we got there, the counselor DID talk to him and he responded! I don't know if that approach might work for you but it did for me.

Thank you, Nerly....

I have been really close to giving up here....I appreciate your response! I haven't heard back from the Pre B letter yet, but I put it in snail-mail, so it may not have arrived yet. I don't have any concrete plans for Plan B yet, as I mentioned, I don't really know what to do beyond a letter and no contact. I'm waiting for advice......

I like how you worked your husband into counselling! how did it work? I don't know your story, but I would love to hear it.

Thanks again for answering.

Ron

Hang in there, Ron, and remember that most have to go to Plan B before the spouse wakes up. And even if you did no plan at all, the affair usually ends, and they come back.

Ron,

If you get a positive response from the pre-Plan B letter, then you can suggest that your WW talk with Jennifer. You need not worry about that, however, because you won't hear anything from your letter.

Your wife is an active wayward, right? Still seeing an OM?

Thanks B..

I know what you are saying, there's two parts of me at odds now. (Three if you count the one that says ^&%k it all, and move to Australia)

For the first part, I can see the logic of what you say, it gives me hope...it is what keeps me beating my head against this "wall of infidelity and indifference"

But for the other, I am feeling so [censored]....I feel like I'm in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one is paying attention....I'm really running out of gas. And today doesn't help at all. My car went into the garage for $600 in repairs (wheel bearings). I'm driving home with my daughter, she starts crying because she misses mom, and says she wants to go there, doesn't like it with me.....crying because she doesn't like us me and mom being apart. Then I get home, and find that our January thaw has flooded my basement.

Normally, I could take all that and smile.....I just want to curl up and cry.....or walk away....I don't know what I can do.....



I'm feeling like I just want to give up.



But I can't...... I wish I could..

SD,

I'm pretty sure what the respose to the letter will be, if any...it will be something like this.. I don't know what I want.....I have learned that I can love two people at the same time.....I love you, but I'm not attracted to you..what can we do about that?

That was the expected reply when Jennifer suggested the letter...it's more of a "plant a seed" tactic. Basically to try and keep her off balance until the legal stuff is dealt with.

And yes... She's still. as far as I can see, involved with the slime.. To what degree I can't say, but she definitely has more room in heart and fantasies for him rather than me.

Thanks again for your interest!.

Ron

Okay. So don't let anything that anyone on here trump what Jennifer tells you. If you're not sure about how Plan B is supposed to work (and can afford it), schedule another session with Jennifer.

She (and Steve) are the best to explain how it works and how you can best implement it. If you ask ten people on here what is Plan B and what does it do and how does it work, you will get ten [slightly] different answers.

It sounds to me like you are trying to keep yourself afloat until you can get into plan B. Then you have to survive the beginning of Plan B. You are in your own Fog, and as you go deeper into a Plan B, you will begin to come out of it. You will gradually find more peace. It will still be a roller coaster, to be sure, but your life will get better.

I am certainly no expert, but if you want my thoughts on Plan B, let me know. If you haven't already, I encourage you to read my thread. Maybe you can avoid some of the mistakes I made. There's a section in the middle where I talk about triggers and how Jennifer told me to deal with them. Nearer the end there are some exchanges with BrambleRose about letting go and what one can control and what one can't control.

You can do this. I've been watching your thread but not posting as much as I have meant to. I'll try to help more.

Another session with Jennifer is in the works, although it might be a bit later after i deal with the car and the flood. You're right, I'm really trying to keep myself together, afloat howevevr you want to describe it, until I get a "plan" in place. Right now, I'm just spinning my wheels.

What you have to say on Plan B would be great. I'm really not too sure how to go about it, I have an idea, but then, I also had an idea about Plan A, and I screwed around for months trying to get it right. I'd like to do this well, right from the start....

I'm going to try to speak with Jennifer in the next few weeks; still hoping that WS will agree to talk too! (for now)

Thanks SD.....have to go work on my basement, ...... and to breathe..........

Ron

Basement is dry now.....

Still looking for advice on how to prepare for Plan B, or some links on where to find the info.....

R

What follows is my interpretation of Plan B based on my conversations with Jennifer. Plan B is a last-ditch effort to save a marriage. It is about preserving your willingness to reconcile with the wayward spouse who won't give up their adultery.

In Plan B, first you tell the WS that this is not what you want, but that you can no longer have contact with them because it is just too painful (i.e., Plan B letter and it's well-constructed contents). Then you stop having contact with them to the best of your ability.

This serves three functions, in order of importance:

1) You protect yourself from the thoughtless, hurtful behavior of the wayward spouse. WS's spew hurtful Fog and do hurtful things. They do stuff, intentionally or not, that Triggers an emotional response from the BS. Too much of this and the BS will lose all love that is left for the WS. Better to protect it by having no communication.

2) Protect the WS from you. If you continue to have contact with the WS in the face of their Fogginess, sooner or later the BS will react to one of the emotional triggers. Some kind of love-busting will result, be it angry outburst, educating them about how wrong what they are doing is. This is exactly what the WS needs--more fuel to justify their actions ("Look what BS did--I am so much better off without BS").

3) Stop meeting the emotional needs of the WS. WS's eat cake--they get needs met in both places. If the BS stops meeting any needs (because there is no contact), the infidels must turn to each other to get *all* of their needs met, and, because the relationship is built on a lie, they can't do it. Soon they begin LB'ing each other. This function is more powerful for some WS's than others. Personally, I suspect it is more effective on WH's than for WW's.

These are the main functions. There are side effects as well, chief among them that you will distance yourself from the drama of the affair. You will realize that you are going to be okay with or without your WS. It will feel like you lose hope of recovery, which is okay, because getting your hopes crushed on a daily basis (Plan A) is very draining.

With the distance comes peace. The extra time you find yourself with should be invested back into you. Treat yourself. Explore yourself. Develop yourself.

There are, of course, challenges. I'll look back in later--I'm a bit gassed at the moment and my cat really really wants my attention.

Thks SD.

Did you do anything to prepare yourself, either emotionally, legally, financially before giving the letter? As I mentioned before, I want to do a good plan right from the start, not haphazard like my first try at plan A.

Thks again

Hey Ron!

I don't have any 'advice' for you on the plan-b stuff...

I'm back from my R&R and just wanted to drop by and say Hi!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Ron43,
I am in your shoes, too. Getting ready to go in to Plan B. It is murky and hard. I will miss my efforts! lol At least in Plan A I got to see him, but it is killing me slowly.

WH is so uninterested in reconciliation. He still manipulates to get his way, lies and has inappropriate contact with OW. I just can't hang on any longer.

Great post from sdguy. Thanks, I needed to read that!

Chin up Ron! Lots of us on here to help. There is such nobility in trying to save a marriage. Remember that and don't lose faith.