Good stuff Ron. Do you have an intermediary lined up?

I have only one possibility for an intermediary, she's mulling it over. I have an appt with Jennifer this evening.

It's a hard path to walk in this sit. Do I stand up and be firm (let the WS deal with the situation), or do I look after my daughter? Caught between the horns of a dilemma!

Ron,

As I've said before, I think the intermediary is essential. Without one you have little hope of making Plan B effective.

Your wife's contact over your child is a perfect example of the things you will have to deal with when you go dark. So, exploit the opportunity to practice not responding.

Unless you think your WW will badly neglect your daughter, let her take care of it. Doesn't sound like anything too major if it would be OK for her to go to work. It's important that you know it's not some sort of dire emergency with your child. Of course that would override everything but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that.

Well......I just got off the phone with Jennifer....She suggests that I should do another couple of weeks of Plan A........sigh.. She feels that I should try to make her feel that her last contact with me was positive, not "business-like" as it was this morning....

She feels that as soon as I switch to B, I should be prepared for D...and do I really want that??

Her suggestion was to write another letter, maybe make a pie, send it with HNHN..reoommit to us, marriage, etc..

ARRGH! I'm sooo confused! I told her that I'm going to start Plan B'ing Jennifer! lol

Can I be a doormat for 2 more weeks?

Jennifer seems to say continue plan a to everyone. Ron you've been in plan a for 9 months its not designed to be a way of life. If I were you I would go dark. What do you expect to achieve in 2 weeks???

From what I see you'll just be enabling her for another 2 weeks. I'm no Harley but I doubt Steve would have given you that advice

Advice from Jennifer trumps anything that anyone would post on here.

Ron,

You have paid a lot of money to a professional (who knows more about your situation) for advice. Why not take it?

You wrote: 'She feels that as soon as I switch to B, I should be prepared for D...and do I really want that??'

Once you go Plan B, you will not be in total control of the outcome but when are you in life? You will only be able to control your response. Of course you should be prepared for D as it is one possible outcome. You should be prepared for the other outcomes too. For example, she might say she wants to try again but are you clear on the conditions required for you to take the risk?

You see the operative word in Plan B is 'plan'. The military guys here will tell you that planning is all about preparing for as many eventualities as you can foresee so that you don't have to think about your response too much. They do this planning stuff for a living (or more accurately to avoid dying).

You wrote: 'Can I be a doormat for 2 more weeks?'

Only you can answer this. Plan A isn't about being a doormat anyway. If you don't think you can do Plan A for two weeks to achieve the effect that Jennifer is recommending, then it would be pointless attempting to do it.

So Ron, you've received lots of advice.

Now it's down to you to make a decision about what to do and most importantly act on it.

No matter what decision you make, you need to be prepared for Plan B and Plan D. If you just blunder into them, they won't be effective for you.

What do I mean by prepared? I mean the plans need to be written down on paper. I found that my emotions were all over the place in Plan A and causing me to endlessly analyse things like you seem to be doing. I had to put a stop to it as it was driving me crazy.

I wrote down the list of tasks that I had to do when I went Plan B. It had excruciating levels of detail e.g. phone numbers and account details for everything I needed to cancel, phone numbers for the intermediary, text of the PBL etc. etc.

After this was done, I felt at peace. I put it away in a drawer until the day I went Plan B. It didn't totally stop the analysis but when I caught myself agonizing, I just reminded myself that I had already thought about this and I had a Plan. It helped me realise that I was just wasting energy and I found it easier to stop. On both of my Plan B days I took out my list and just followed the steps like a robot. I was so pleased I had that list because on those days I was a gibbering wreck.

I could have done better though. I only started to think about possible outcomes other than divorce once I'd gone into Plan B. That was a mistake because I wasn't ready for the first time she asked to come back and, in retrospect, I screwed it up. I didn't prepare myself for the eventuality that she might refuse to use my intermediary, mess around with the kids etc etc. So take advantage of my 20/20 hindsight and plan more effectively.

So Ron, decide, plan and act in that order.

Well, I have been away for abit, I think more to try and give myself a break from things, and hopefully get a new perspective on my situation....

I have to tell you though, I have the best son in the world! He wrote this letter to WS today, on his own, without any direction from me at all.....I read it, and was knocked over......I think it's very powerful....He is a bit nervous in giving it to her in person, he wants to send it with our daughter when she goes to WS's apt.

Dear N.,

I’m sorry I haven’t been as communicative as of late but something has been troubling me. Ever since Sunset Speedway during the summer I’ve had suspicions as to if there was more reasons to you leaving Dad. Whenever you were around Rob or talking with him it seemed a bit suggestive. The way you acted around Rob seemed like you two were connected by more than friendship. My thoughts were proved right by numerous occasions of me passing by your apartment to see Robs Dodge Durango pulled up beside it. I don’t want to be accusative but I only know of one Durango that is the same colour as Robs. The way you two acted at Sunset seemed like you two loved each other. You never seemed to enjoy Dads company as you did Robs.

It hurts a lot to know that you could be involved with Rob. He was my boss at the speedway and I’m good friends with both his daughters. It hurts more though because this same thing has happened before to us. When you first told me about my mom that was devastating. You stepped up into the “mom” role and have been as much of a mother if not more than my own. It’s not fair to my dad that you could be involved with Rob. It’s not fair to us; it’s not fair to neither Stephanie nor Robs kids nor his wife. Ashley and Natasha are my friends and I hold them in high esteem. I know its wrong but I can’t look at my mom the same way any more after she did that. I don’t want that to be the same case with you. I really scorn the idea of things like this because its happened before. It also hurts that my dad isn’t being given the chance to redeem himself. When you call here it’s never for him but always for me or Stephanie. I love you a lot and so do Sean and Duncan. We all want this family to work out. This has happened so many times and its really bothersome. I don’t want to talk to my dad and ask him about Rob because it would more than likely hurt him because he probably doesn’t know. I can’t force you to stop seeing Rob but I ask that you do it. I always hated going back and forth to houses and I still do. I don’t want Stephanie to have to do the same thing. I hated telling people that my parents were separated. Please consider this letter and I want you to keep it.
I love you so much.
Regards,
James

first post to you. Wow - what a letter.

He has no need to be nervous - a letter of genuine love is his gift to both of you.

Just to add -

Dad - you have raised quite a boy. Good job

Thanks Winger....

No matter what happens, I'm incredibly proud of him.....

I know you're very proud of your son!

Hope you are doing well Ron!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Even if it all seems to be going wrong Ron, you've raised a fine son, and that is something to hang your hat on. I'd hate to ever be a parent that recieved a letter like that, but if I deserved to, I'd hope my children would write it.

That letter bought tears to my eyes..I have 2 teenage boys and I often wonder how they truely feel about their father leaving...when WH first left I told them I was sorry that their father left cos of OUR differences...they both said simultaneously..Dad left us too!!

I know my boys 15 and 18 are strong for my sake..DS15 is suffering more though whereas DS18 is more protective of me.
The 3 of us have become a very strong trio...if WH had to come back he would be the odd one out!!!
Hang in there and remember PATIENCE IS KEY!!

Ron,
That's a great letter from your son. I hope it'll knock some sense into your WW. How are you doing? Are you in plan B now? I believe I'm on my way there very soon.
I hope things are going well for you.

DM

Very well said.

This letter, and what all of you have said have made me feel better than I have in months!! Thank you...

The conversations I've had with him the last few days have been great...He has opened up, (usually he keeps things inside), and wants to say even more to her...I'm having to put the brakes on some of it!

I'm doing ok DM, thanks....as much as Jennifer has said keep on with Plan A, and as much as I want to have her back, I'm pretty much convinced that I have to move on... I just feel that letters and all of that will just make me look pitiful....It's not that I'm done, I just feel that I've exhausted myself, and that more effort directed to Plan A is just going to drain me even more.

NOW, my big question is.........DrowningMan has had lots of suggestions to go what I'll call Plan Indifferent. Not B, where you go dark, use an intermediary, that sort of thing. Our situation's seem to be almost paralell, so what do you all think of this, vs Plan B? The only difference between us, is that i have a slew of kids.


Advice or comments?

Ron

I was at the babysitter's house today, (paying her for last week...late :-(

When I dropped her off on Friday morning, Steph was happy, smiling...all that and more.....the sitter told me she was standing on the porch waiting for the bus, and then out of the blue, she said...."I don't like separated families....I don't want to go to school" (she's 5) Then she said she doesn't like it that Mom is mad at herself (whatever that means)

When WS picked up Steph that afternoon, the sitter told her about it, saying "this is what she said, you better do something about it!" WS looked surprised, said "oh!" and left quickly..... Steph has not wanted to go to school for a number of weeks now, this is the first time she's mentioned school and separation together though....

I would like to know what she thinks when she puts that together with the above letter she'll get this week....It gives me a perverted sense of satisfaction....

Son dropped the letter in WS's mailbox today......we are all waiting anxiously for the reaction!

I'm well into plan FU now....I just had an email from her today, which was again so plain and impersonal....not anywhere like the woman i used to know.. Getting used to that is still difficult, but I'm too tired of dancing to her tune.

Ron,
I actually typed a very long post to you the other day and hit something on the keyboard that wiped it all out and unfortunately, I had to call it a night at that point.

I'm sorry for what your kids are going through. They seem like the best kids anyone can ask for. I hope your WW will see how it's affecting them and come to her senses. Please know how lucky you are to have them.

I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was 5. My F, although I still love him, was a deadbeat and does not keep in touch with me unless I'm the one who makes the effort. When I DO talk to him, he tells me how lonely he is and this is one reason why I cherrished my W so much and planned to have a huge family. One of my biggest fears in life was to end up like my F.

As selfish as this sounds, I wish we had kids despite what we're going through. Atleast I would have something to hold on to and someone to give my love to. I have all this love and dedication to give and nowhere to place it. So with that said, no matter what happens with your WW, please know how fortunate you are to have a family. You're a good man and the best role model your kids could ask for. Stay strong, my friend. Things will eventually work out for your families best interest.

DM