lost, his attitude tells me he is in no way committed to a plan of recovery and intends on resuming his affair if the spirit moves him. That is clearly Plan B material, IMO.

I empathize with you. This is what I got from my husband when I didn't know he was having an affair:

"We walked down this path together. I cannot just end the friendship."

"I think she's mentally unbalanced. I need to make sure she is OK."

I close to went nuts. After the affair was exposed, the OWH told me that his wife had said I was crazy. No doubt.

Colicky baby. Child birth related problems resulting in major surgery. A broken arm from him when I threatened to call the OW.

AND THE WORST OF ALL WAS HIS BRINGING UP THIS WOMAN. Don't underestimate the agony you are in, and get out of there. IMHO, there is no point in explaining.

Cherished

This thread has evolved and become far more general and interesting then I expected.

My concern in starting the thread was to try to kick some spine into meek BS's and meek posters using irony. I think meekness in the BS is counterproductive if the goal is to rebuilt the M. Somewhere here in the MB forums there is a thread called "negotiation from a position of strength" (or something like). I think the position of strenth is very important.

I am from a nation of skiers. You can not learn skiing unless you are willing to fall. Those too scared of falling are partly paralyzed and clumsy and can not do what it takes to learn. Likewise, a BS petrified at the prospect of loosing the WS will be paralyzed and willing to accept whatever is thrown in their way. They may stay married, but it will not be much of a M! The lesson for the WS is that they can walk all over their BS whenever they want.

Accept that the WS is no longer yours. No active WS belongs to the BS. They have now given themselves to the OP. Accept your loss!

THEN decide whether you will try to re-conquer what was yours, or whether you will cut your losses. Like the skier willing to risk falling you may then succeed. And when the WS feels this new confidence in you and realizes that you are not in his/her pocket anymore that will be an eye opener. The FWW of Bob Pure was an excellent example. Accept your loss, don't deny it. Then take up a position of strength, where cutting your losses is a real option. Then you may win!

[color:"blue"]The first and most important battle is in the mind. Your mind.[/color]

Bravo. Conquering our fears. Not as hard as we....fear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for that swift kick in the..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

For some of us, giving up on a spouse would be like giving up on a child. It's just not going to happen. If we recognize, however, that our WS is making choices that hurt us, we can remove ourselves and wait.
Cherished