Cubed...

Read the thread, "Does the WS really deserve special treatment?"

There's a good look at all the feelings you should expect to experience, as well as feelings your WW is going through.

The information in that thread may help you decide which direction is best for you. Give it a read...

SD

Cubed,

I would expose to OM's family to let them know what their son is up to (at around your age, people are still somewhat influenced by their parents) and I would get GPS to track her or at least make some phone calls to verify where she is. It sounds like she will be meeting up with OM. Your WW will not be willing to work on the marriage for some time, probably about 4-6 months after last contact with OM. Don't expect much now. Just focus on meeting the ENs she will allow you to meet (which is usually conversation and maybe some admiration) without being overly pushy or needy and avoid all love busters. Keep digging to ensure NC. Don't take her word for it, she's a proven liar.

I dont think i can do this anymore. I'd try to meet her needs but she just wants to run off with her friends all the time.

Wouldn't you feel better going into the future, even if it's alone, knowing you did all you could do before you went for a divorce, just to "cut your losses"?

There is a tremendous amount of healing to be done, either way, and a great deal of it can be done while trying to save the marriage.

This is a life changing event. Don't make rash decisions over a matter that will take months, maybe years, from which to heal.

Use these forums to help you through the darker moments. We all did.

Consider talking to the Harley's for your plan for the future, regardless of what your plan might be. They are the professionals. If you walk away, you will be leaving a substantial portion of your life in your wake.

Take your time...

Well i just ordered surviving an affair. It hasn't even been a week since she told me about it. I just can't see myself ever wanting to have any type of sexual relationship with her again. It really just disgusts me now. To know the things she did with him, and for how long. She said it was only one time but the fact that she really enjoyed it makes me sick.

It also seems that each day that passes she just detaches herself more and more from me. I know she's depressed, she's on effexor and something for ADD. It's almost like i've forgotten how to make her happy. When I talk to her about anything other that our relationship she just gives little 4 or 5 word answers and then doesn't talk. How can I do this if she won't even talk to me?

Read up on others' stories so you learn how to deal with it. We've all been where you are, so learn from our experience.

What is she on for ADD? Ritalin or what? Combinations of Effexor and an ADD prescription can be very dangerous. I trust that she received both prescriptions from the same Doctor, one who was/is knowledgeable on the interactions.

Venlafaxine hydrochloride (Effexor) is an antidepressant of the serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) class. It is prescribed for the treatment of clinical depression and anxiety disorders. Due to the side effects and suspicions that venlafaxine may cause suicide it is not recommended as a first line treatment. However, it is often effective for depression not responding to SSRI

Interesting that a side effect of an antidepressant is suicide!

Be that as it may, some of those on Effexor have issues with right and wrong. You can see mealy mouthed lawyer talk that sorta addresses this in the literature. In layman language, those on Effexor could cheerfully rob a bank if they got it in their head that they really, really needed money. The right and wrong of robbing the bank would be known but not important.

To the best of my knowledge, nobody has done any sort of study on the effect of Effexor and infidelity - pity. I believe it can be a contributing cause.

Larry

This sounds more like a known side effect of Effexor:

"Depersonalization (or derealization) is the feeling that 'nothing is real'; there is no or little sense of reality. It can be desirable, such as in the use of recreational drugs, but it is usually referring to the severe form found in anxiety and in the most intense case, panic attacks. It is most often described as a symptom of emotions, such as panic or fear. A sufferer feels that he or she has changed and the world has become less real — it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can sometimes be a rather disturbing experience, since many feel that indeed, they are living in a "dream." The DSM-IV categorizes depersonalization disorder as a dissociative disorder, though depersonalization proper is more often characteristic of the traumatic origin of other conditions."

Consumer Reports used to recommend Effexor but it is no longer on their recommended list. They currently have three drugs they recommend: Fluoxetine (Prozac), citalopram and bupropion have been chosen as Consumer Reports Best Buy drugs in the updated version of their guide, based upon effectiveness, safety, side effects, and cost.

Larry

She is on methlyn (sp?). She was using these ADD patches and take one of the methyln pills later if needed. Those really seemed to help her overall state but for some reason she decided to stop using the patches and just use the pills. Now that I think about it, that's when she really started to complain about how unhappy she was. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility off of either one of us but i do think it's a contributing factor.

So I came home from work last night, somewhat hopeful. I got on our computer and she had left the internet explorer up. All I had to do was click the back button and see that she had been on the OM's myspace page. I immediately confronter her about it. She got really angry and stormed out of the room. I kept asking her why she was on there. She told me later that she was going to write a no-contact email to him. I asked her if she did but she did not, she made up some BS excuse like the dog was bothering her. She continues to deny that she is seeing him. She then said that she was so done with this marriage and that i needed to call a lawyer. I convinced her that we would just separate for a week and come back to this instead of divorcing immediately. She said fine and that she wasn't coming home this weekend. Then she ran off with her friend, She told me she was going out with a different friend before so she was lying about that too.

So I called her mother last night and we talked for about 20-30 minutes about everything. Apparently WW hadn't been totally honest with her parents either. I told her that I was almost 100% sure she was still seeing him. Her mother was very understanding and upset with her daughter. She told me to just hang on a little longer and that she would talk to her.

Apparently she went up to the bar where my wife was with her friend and really ripped her a new one. My wife called me so pissed off it was ridiculous. She said some really hurtful things and then hung up on me. I tried to explain that the only reason i talked to her mother was because i cared about her. She just said "whatever".

So like she said she didn't come home last night. I didn't even bother asking where she was when she got home this morning because i knew it would just be a lie. She got home at 10 am still drunk. She's becoming/is an alcoholic now. I'm really worried about her now just for her own sake. It's like she's just trying to self destruct.

She told me to quit talking to her mom. I had to leave the house for a while. I'm working some OT right now. I am totally lost right now.

She really needs my help right now. Should i try to get her to go back to her therapist or get her to start AA meetings or something?

In my opinion, you are pushing the right buttons. Her mom has her best interest at heart and she knows it, so talking to her mom busts her bubble because MOM isn't going to put up with her daughter's baloney.

Who prescribed the medications? Was it one Doctor or more than one? Combinations of drugs are extremely dangerous as they interact. Talk to her MOM about it.

What you are describing is the usual blame you for her own mental instability and convoluted rationalizations. Don't buy her story. It is all fog babble.

In my opinion, your wife has gone off the deep end and she needs your help. This is always a good path to take - the high road helping and so saying. It is very hard for someone to totally disrespect someone who is trying to help although they will try and say horrific things, etc., and it is all just fog talk.

Keep on keeping on - sounds like you are doing good. I do recommend that you read, read, read. It is all here on this site.

Methylphenidate, aka Ritalin, isn't something that I would take with Effexor. On the other hand, I am not a doctor, so my opinion doesn't count except for me personally and maybe my family. Methlyn is one of the names besides Ritalin that covers methylphenidate. The drug is contraindicated in some situations and I encourage you to do your own research. In my opinion, Adderall is probably more effective, but again, taking it with Effexor seems a bit chancy. Most doctors I know are getting away from Ritalin and going to Adderall or formalin or whatever.

Larry

Well,

I came home from work. She was gone and there was a letter on our coffee table.

So pretty much the gist of it is that she feels like she is spiraling downward. She doesn't know if we'll ever work out or be like we used to be (we won't be like we used to be that's for sure). She also said that she loves me and our marriage is too important to give up on right now. She says she's going to give 100% of what she has to this right now.

I feel really relieved right now. This is really good news but I can't help but feel cautious right now. We talked briefly. She's coming home tonight and we're going to try and start fresh in the morning. I get the feeling that she wants to just forget about her thing with the OM. I don't think she realizes yet that there is so much work to do just there before we can really get down to the heart of all our problems.

I'm worried though that this is just one of her many mood swings and as soon as we start discussing things she'll just want to bail again.

I need complete and total honesty from her if this is going to work.

just wanted to say good luck to you Cubed. I hope your wife will really re-commit and work with you.

Thank you finallylrning and everyone else here. I really don't know what I would have done without the support of people here. There is a lot of hard work to do still. I just hope she really realizes what's in store now.

Also thanks larry for your opinions about her prescriptions. It's something I'm going to insist that she get a 2nd opinion about.

Cubed,

When she comes home, sit with her, facing you, touch her hand or leg. Don't talk loudly. Don't have anything between the two of you (like a table or anything).

You need to do a lot of listening, not a lot of talking. This will be critical. If she asks you questions, ANSWER them, - be sure you understand me, don't give her "I don't know" answers. If you aren't sure, tell her you aren't sure, then tell her YOUR FEELINGS - if your feelings go back and forth on things, TELL HER THAT. We women need to understand the FEELINGS you are having, and it will help her to understand where you are coming from, and make you more REAL to her as an emotional person. It will go in your favor, and make her feel more intimate with you.

Also, ask her questions regarding her feelings, and make them open-ended. Don't ask questions that have "yes/no" answers. Instead of "Do you like him more than me?", ask, "what kinds of things make you feel good about yourself", "what things do you feel are missing from our marriage that we can work together to repair" - these types of questions get her talking about her feelings and needs. Work on getting that information and allow her to lead you to what you need to understand.

Listen to her, let her talk. Your responses to her should reflect that you HEARD HER, not DEFENDED yourself.

The barrier here is likely her loss of sense of connection to you - feeling distance, not being able to be close with you and have you hear her. Touch her, and listen to her. Hold her if she cries. Don't try to solve things tonight. Just allow her the sense that you are open to forgive her, open to solving things, open to making changes in yourself and allowing her to change too......

Then, close with loving hugs.

And, talk to her about what you have read about how marriages CAN be saved, improved, and not be the same but be BETTER. With work, with NO CONTACT, with love.

It is possible to make this work.

SB

Cubed,

Your WW has a lot of emotional problems and is an ADDICT with OM being her drug that she can't get away from. YOU need to protect her from it. Get some software, and BLOCK myspace. Married people don't need to go on myspace. Also block OM's email address and phone number. If she were and alcoholic, you would dump out all the liquor in the house, so cut off all access to OM. Don't be in her face about it. Only after she has gone through withdrawal for several months will she start working on the marriage again. Your goal right now should be to ween her off of OM. Worry about recovering from the affair once she is over OM.

Be careful when you confront her. The stuff she is on can make her very unstable when added to the emotional issues she is dealing with.

You might want to copy the stuff I posted or go to Wikipedia and do you own - or the other sites where you can find drug information. Giving it to her in writing might be better. One doctor prescribing is different from two or more when it comes to drug interactions.

Larry