But you're right. I can't be afraid of her leaving all the time. She's already said that she wanted to. Now is the time for me to do this right.

What would I do if I wasn't afraid? Not smother her so much. Let her be herself and my wife at the same time. Express my feelings to her clearly and calmly without fear of her reactions. Take control of the situation. Take control of the parts of our relationship that she needs me to.

Yes, all parts of Plan A. All while in complete control of your emotions (easily said, I know!). It is so easy to let the shock and anger control your actions, but to do so is to fight a losing battle.

This battle is won by control over your emotions, using your brain instead of your heart, and fighting back "instant" or "conditioned" responses, and employing the use of MB principals instead. If you can muster an outward attitude towards her of "casual indifference", it sometimes will draw a wayward towards you. Not aloof, mind you, but it's not letting the "insane" stuff she may say or do set you off.

This is a long, long process. Your marriage did not deteriorate to a state in which it was vulnerable overnight, nor will it be fixed in a few days either. Pace yourself and your emotions. Think marathon instead of sprint. We men like to fix stuff immediately, but infidelity requires that we change our approach to working steadily at a project over a period of time. It's not our nature, but we can train ourselves to do so.

It sounds like your feet may be back on the ground, so stay steady in both your efforts and your emotions.

Have you received and read "Surviving an Affair" yet?

SD

Just got it yesterday. I'm gonna start reading it tonight. I'm sure there will be differing views with the dr phil books we just got but i think i'll be able to make the right decisions about which one's advice to take in different situations. Both of them seem to be all about changing your own behaviors instead of trying to change your spouse. That's the only thing anybody can do anyway, right?

I would also recommend "Love Must be tough" by James Dobson. Almost everything that he says NOT to do my ex did- and it drove me right in the other direction.

I'm gonna run up to Barnes and NOble to pick up that book. It got great reviews on amazon. Have you read the whole book? What type of advice does it give?

I read most of it. The most I can tell you is that what it tells you NOT to do is exactly what my exhusband did and I ran in the other direction. I'm a FWW- or I was a WW in my first marriage. Let me know how you like the book.

I have seen that book, "Love Must Be Tough" highly recommended here in these forums. Do remember, however, that much of the advice you will receive on these forums, created by Dr. Willard Harley, will be based on the Marriage Builder's philosophy.

Just remember to "employ" what you learn here, and refrain from "teaching" your WW, because while in the FFOOGG, she'll not be receptive to "learning" any marriage building techniques. She's in a dazed state of confusion, so keep your "learning" as your weapon in this fight!

SD

Well here's an update on the situation.

Things have been going good and bad lately. It seems that I've figured out that every time I try to show my emotions to her, that I'm afraid of her leaving, she pushes away more. So I've decided to not push in any way. I've come to realize that what she (and maybe just women in general) wants is not someone to treat her like a queen and do things for her. She wants a challenge. I don't think she really knows herself what she wants out of a man though. So I've decided that next time she gets into one of her moods where nobody can do anything right by her, I'm just going to leave. It's useless to try to talk to her at that time.

I got her phone records. I think I've identified the OM's number. The records I have aren't recent enough to tell exactly when/if she cut off contact. It looks like she at least didnt call him the day that she wrote me the letter but she did call him the day before I think. I'll have to wait about 3 weeks to get recent records. If she's still been calling him after all this I'm probably just going to leave.

She insisted on going out with her girlfriend on saturday night. I was not pleased. A big argument ensued but she went out anyway. She came home around 330 am crying saying how sorry she was that she put me through all of this but that she was hurting so much herself. This gave me some hope.

The next day was actually great, we went out for breakfast and then bowling. We visited her family for a while and ended up having sex for the first time in about a month and it was really great for both of us. Same thing next night.

All of this is great and all but I can't shake the feeling that she's still seeing him. She swears to me that she hasn't talked to him in a few weeks, before she wrote me her letter. I just don't see how I can regain her respect after this. If I do end up forgiving her for this, doesn't that just give her permission to do it again?

You are going to have to do a better job of ensuring NC. Check her cell phone records online. Where there is a will there is a way. Don't let her just go out until all hours of the morning without you. I suspect that she may have done something she felt guilty about that night. Either go with her or make sure someone you trust is with her. Don't trust a WS. That comes later when you have recovered.

I can't access the most recent records for another few weeks when the bill is posted. I have a keylogger on our computer and know her email and myspace passwords. No evidence found so far.

As far as going out with her, when I insisted that she didnt go out without me she just gets pissed off and goes anyway. I can't physically force her not to go. I respect her need to have a social life but she insists on going to bars. When I tell her it's inappropriate she just accuses me of being controlling. How do I get it across to her that what she is doing, regardless of if she's seeing him or not, is inappropriate for a married woman without coming off as being a wuss or being controlling?

I mean, she wants a strong, confident man that isn't needy and clingy all the time. I know what she wants, but every time she does this kind of crap I don't know how to approach the situation. I end up either being a total a-hole or just getting completely emotional and she ends up doing whatever she wants anyway. Where is the middle ground here?

Don't be an a-hole and don't get completely emotional. You need to learn how to control yourself. If you need help, get on some anti-depressants (they work) and speak with an IC. When she does whatever she wants, make there be consequences, like you refuse to refuse to finacially support her and exposure up to forcing her out of the house and going to plan B if she continually trashes your boundaries.

Well, I'm not doing the whole anti depressants thing. As far as consequences, she can easily support herself financially, she makes more than I do. She wouldn't leave the house if i told her to. I would have to leave her there. Would that be just as effective as me kicking her out? I wouldn't really have anywhere to stay long-term. Do you think it would work to leave for just a few weeks but without telling her that eventually we'd either have to sell the house or I'd have to move back in?

Personally I think its bullzhiot to ask a person to be confident, yet not to pushy, but attentive and warm, but not clingy and touchy, feely all the time. I mean jeez, what does a person want......a robot to control at their whim?

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!! She doesn't even know herself what she wants, how the F am I supposed to? When I try to be confident and put my foot down about an issue, I'm being pushy, when I roll over or tell her how I really feel about it, I'm being too needy.

Now I don't want people here to think that things aren't at least looking a lot better than they were 2 weeks ago. I mean after the first night we had sex again, she was acting like the wife I used to know. She was loving, attentive, she actually WANTED to cuddle up to me in bed, feed me candy and stuff. It was absolutely great.

I'm just worried that when this Friday rolls around, I'll be going through the same old crap again with her all like "I just need some space for a while, you can't try to control me all the time, I just want to be with my friends like once a week (without you there and at a bar of course)"

Give her the alternative of doing something with YOU. Court her. Invite her to a weekend away, to a place special in your marriage.

If there is NC, and she's in withdrawal, it's an awful time for a BS. There is no rhyme or reason to a WS during this time. Don't anticipate or predict what she might do or say.

But respond to that in a positive manner. Try to turn the lemons into lemonade. If she's "going out", and you offer positive alternatives, then she still turns you down, just express your dissapointment, and your concerns for her actions being healthy for the marriage, and drop it.

Then go out and do something with YOUR friends, or nothing at all, but stay out of touch w/her for the evening and be vague about what you do. Let HER wonder about YOUR actions! Amazing how a WS becomes jealous when THEY are the Wayward one!

Don't stay in an emotional connection with a WW. Don't let their actions screw YOUR mood, or control of your emotions, or lead you into LOVEBUSTERS.

This can be done, because I did it. It takes some focus and concentration, but you can train yourself to do it. I'd go to work late in the evening, drive home at 2:30 am, drink a beer in the garage before I went in so it was fresh on my breath, dishevel my hair a bit and act "buzzed" when I got there, and go in and go to bed without stating where I'd been, who I'd been with or what I had done.

Create mystique.

LOL!! That is so great!! Good advice though. Thanks so much!!!

I also would not move out. I do not think that's a good idea unless you're prepared to go to Plan B.

Usually "I need space" means "I need the freedom to be able to be with OM while I figure out whether this is going to work out for me with him".

Well those are my thoughts exactly. The only "demands" that I put on her last weekend were that she come home that night and she call me and tell me where she was going to be that night. Well she came home but she didnt call me, I ended up calling her to find out where she was. We exchanged a series of text messages. I was pretty upset because she was at a bar that the OM is known to go to so I wasn't happy about that. She insisted that he wasn't up there. I guess I believe her, one of MY friends ended up going there right after she left so I'll be talking to him to see if OM was there or not.

Right now though, I'm prepared to do EVERYTHING I can to make this marriage work provided she is not seeing the OM. If I find out though that she's still been seeing him all this time and lying to me about it for these weeks after she has supposedly "recommitted" herself to this marriage, I don't think I'll be able to stay around.