Cali, if it seems to bother him than try not to be so in his face with it. Try to show your love in a more distant way, like in having a clean, good smelling house when he arrives, nice meals, you look and smell really good, invite him to join you and son on a fun outing. Be charming and fun, not right in his face if that bothers him.

She may be being nice to him. IT DOESN"T MATTER. She won't be for long, especially if she senses that he is becomming close to you, and wanting to be around you. She will start to love bust then. Let her do the love busting. What's more important is that you do not let your fears take you away from your goals.

Today I was looking through some of his stuff in his car and he got extremely upset. The first thing that comes to my mind is that he is hiding something from me. Why can't he come clean and start from scratch with our marriage? I don't know if he gets extremely upset because he is hiding something or because he hates that I'm looking through all his belongings, at home, at work, in his car...everywhere. I can't help it, he lied to me and i have no trust in him. He has to learn how to gain trust back in the marriage.

**My husband and I spend several days at a time where we get along sooooooooooooooo well. We cuddle and talk and laugh, then all of a sudden here comes a day where we get on each other's nerves and back to square one. I guess its because he probably saw her and has a guilty mind telling him not to play with my feelings anymore. When can I begin to accept his nice remarks? How do I know they are truthful and coming from the heart?
**I know I need to stop spying on him, instead of helping the situation, it is driving me crazy. I'm finding out things about the past and it re ingnites my anger. I don't think I need to know any more stuff about the past, or do I? Will there be a time when he comes clean and tells me everything?
**The OW is the one buying my H stuff, don't know why. She buys him clothes, pays for his gas, buys our son clothes (once I found out about that, I threw away all the clothes I had not bought our son). Why would she? Does she think that by buying him stuff she is goign to keep him by her side? Obviously he is not buying her anything because he has now begun to give me his paycheck. Is she trying to buy his love? I can honestly say my H is very materialistic so maybe she is winning him from me.
**As far as our intimacy--gone! How can I restart it up again? Every time I want to start something, he just pushes me away...Does he not find me attractive anymore (hey, I'm losing weight because of all these problems and he even knows it), or is he getting this from her? Should I wait for him to initiate something?
***Any advise is greatly appreciated. Thanks to all who have posted, I have gotten a lot of peace and tranquility from all your words. I know this is an extremely difficult situation, but I know I will have to come out of it all.

Did you read my post above? The answers to those questions will steer any advice that you need.

if you have any doubt about your H screwing around...DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.
Although it is not mentioned on this site...sleeping with a WS puts your life/health/future in doubt. If SF is high on his emotional needs...then he will need to submit to STD checks before it is safe to sleep with him again.
Do not put your life and health at risk to hold on to any partner.....ever.

Cali,

Did you ask him "WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO UPSET?" "I mean gosh I am just looking for the Eagles CD!"

Or something to that effect?

And of course ""i have no trust in him."". If he has any brain up there, amongst all those hormones and endorphines, he KNOWS it...and maybe that is why he gets so upset. He realizes the enormity of what he did.

kirk

My H and I are currently separated and have filed for D. however, every time he sees me when I have to drop off our son, he wants to be hugging me and kissing me. He tells me how much he loves me, I think he is just doing this to play games with my mind. If he really loved me, he wouldn't have been lieing to me sooooooooo many times and would have tried all means to save his marriage. I hope that time will help me move on and stop waiting for him, apparently he is in no hurry to get his family back or his life back in track.

Cali,

You have what many here call the BS fog. I've had it. Many others here have had it. You've been getting advice on what to do.

Make the home a loving, warm place. Don't show him affection. Have you read the 180? You need to perform it.

It requires that you don't show him affection. This doesn't mean you became a mean person towards him. It means you don't initiate any intimacy at all. No hugs. No kisses. No fishing for affection from him.

You need to show strength.

How will you get him back? By not making yourself so readily available. Reverse psychology works on WSs.

He'll respect a woman who isn't at his beck and call. Do the plan A suggestions that have been made. Think of it as when you first started dating. Did you show a ton of affection to someone you just met? Did you hug and kiss someone who you have only gone on one date with?

You need to reel back your affection and you really need to reel back your affectionate comments.

No more compliments. No more I love you's or any kind of affectionate comments.

He will wonder.

Learn to reverse babble. Read the "Notable Posts" thread that is at the very top of this forum. It's a great one stop shop of wisdom for what you need to do.

Please follow the advice here. You keep searching for answers and a magic bullet. People are telling you things that work and are proven to work but you're not listening. Listen and follow the directions. People here know. I'm amazed when I read the advice I've received over the past year. It's dead on to what I need to do and should have done this whole time.

People here speak to you from experience. You're not different or special. He's not different or special. He's following the WS script.

The biggest thing you need to understand and accept is that your husband is dead. He's gone forever. He's been replaced by someone who simply looks like him. He's had his brain scrambled by aliens.

This means that you need to accept that he will not show you affection or care. He does not feel guilt. He will play games. He wants his cake and his ability to eat it too.

Raise the stakes for him. It may be time to go to plan B, which means no contact to let the affair play itself out.

You need to be super strict in following it.

Good luck.

CALI,

Awe Jeeze, I am so sorry to hear about the sep and D.

Did he move out? Who filed?

Is he still seeing the OW? He didn't move in with her did he?

""however, every time he sees me when I have to drop off our son, he wants to be hugging me and kissing me. He tells me how much he loves me,""

On one hand he wants a D and then acts like this to you???

If this is the case then he is wacko and yes, it does sound like he is playing with your mind. Plan B definitely.

Now if YOU are the one that kicked him out and filed for the D, then I guess it is his way of trying to get back into your life.

Its a mystery.

kirk

I felt that I had enough of his treatments and left the home. I took our son with me and he made no attempt to stop us. I filed for divorce and full custody while he and the OW filed for restraining order. Yet, whenever he sees me, he wants to hug and kiss me. He e-mails me and tells me how much he loves me and misses his family, yet he says he is not asking us to go back home. He says we both have caused too much pain on each other and we need time to heal. Him, pain? From what? We have court date in three weeks, and he is trying to make me soft hearted so that I won't take everything away from him. Who knows, like you said, its all a mystery. Especially if they are not sure of whether they want to be with there family or if they want to be with the OW. Only time will tell

Cali,

""while he and the OW filed for restraining order.""

WHAT!! He and the OW?? What..are they a pair now?? Are they living together?

And restraining you from doing what exactly. Did you go off on her or on him or catch them together with a baseball bat in your possession? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Maybe this is the common response to a D filing, but I have never heard of it.

To save yourself from further grief and also to let him know what it will be like living without YOU in his life, you should go immediately into a very dark and silent plan B, with the total plan B letter et al.

Read up on all aspects of the plan B. I think you are correct about the softening you up part of this. The plan B will foil that attempt too.

IMHO

Stay strong for your son.

kirk

the OW filed for restraining order against me, of course with his help. She felt I was calling her on her cell phone and asking her to take my husband with her. Apparently she found that to be threatening. I really don't know if they are living together or not, I about 80% sure they are not, but who knows, these WH's can give us many surprises. I try to go into plan B, but unfortunately we have to see each other when we exchange our 10 month old son. It is written on the paperwork we both signed, so I can't go around that, not until we have court hearing in two weeks. I'm trying to stay strong but its hard when I see him, I just want to run into his arms and return his kisses. I guess that with time, I will not be feeling like this anymore. Only time will tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Court date is scheduled within 2 weeks! Deep down inside I don't want to but apparently he does cause he hasn't asked for more time nor has he asked for his family to go back to him. Yet, last night he sent me a text message saying how much he loves me and misses me. What do I think?

It's called cake eating.

Don't let him do it.

There are days when I feel soooooooooooooooooo bad, miss him dearly and just wish I could run up to him and let him know. However, I really think he knows that, it is a primary reason why I believe he e-mails me and tells me how much he "loves" and "misses me." I've learned to realize he is just doing this because he wants to have me on the side in case things don't work out with the OW. We have court in one week and really I don't know what is going through his head. It has been almost two months since I left the home and in those two months he has not made the mortgage payment nor his car payment. Is he not thinking? Does he not know that after three months of not making payments, say bye, bye to HOUSE and car? I'm thinking he is using all his paychecks in paying the attorney. Do WS's think about making payments, even if it means they will lose there home, basically everything they have?

wow, sorry to hear that....weird he's not making payments, unless he wants you to have the house and car and then therefore he doesnt feel the need or even want to make a payment. Leave that burden on u. or B, he thinks that you are making the payments for him. he feels u wouldnt let the house or car go.

Actually he is fighting to keep the house, the cars, basically all our personal belongings including our son. Very weird, if you really want something, you have to PAY for it! Things are not free in this world! Maybe I got him used to that at the beginning, but not now.

Tell your lawyer...weird, maybe he was told (by his lawyer)not to pay to make it seem like he cant afford it and to make you pay maintenence.

8 days left till court date! I'm pretty nervous especially when I think of all the things he is going to come up with to try and take our DS away from me. I don't seem to understand, he is 2 weeks away from having our home reposessed, along with his car, basically he is going to lose EVERYTHING! He e-mails me and tells me he is not happy right now without his family however, he is not doing anything to win his family back. What might be going through his mind? Is he still under FOG?

Cali,

Any history of drug use by your H? Could there be any now?

Is there an intermediary person that could sit him down and ask him these questions, you are asking us??

Have you asked him these questions?

Has he usually been financially responsible?

I still cannot tell if he is living with the OW. Is he?

Could she be influencing him to not pay anything?

Is he on medication...or should he be?

It is very hard to figure out, unless he is under such an addiction/fog that his brain is only an endorphin broth right now.

Are you able to make any payments on the house?

kirk