HI, Congrads on the D being final...you can move on from this point...things is I feel and this is JMHO, that he is still trying to control you in a way...

Stick to your boundaries, do not let him in, use your RO, call teh police, document...

I UNDERSTAND you're wishing that he would change, I SOOOO understand and crave the same thing even from my stand point but this is still grieving for us...the lost of the M, the life that we thought we would have, coming to terms with teh abuse...all of it...grieve and grieve well...as lot as you need to but please do your best to keep him as far away as you need to...

This could be convinced as stalking and you ned to let him know that you are not playing with him anymore...why on GOd's green earth would you want to be friends with THIS man who has caused you so much greive?

That was just a question, I understand that you don't want to...thing is he will ALways live in his reality, not the real world reality, he will not see the damage that he has done...

I am reading "COntrolling People" by Patricai Evans...I highly recommend that you read it as soon as you can to remind, reinforce, and understnad where YOU are and how to avoid this sitch again...I'm halfway through the book and it has been sooo "freeing", I guess to read the how and why, the tactics that they use, the reasons...the reasons why the abuse increased....

From what I've been reading right not he is trying to reclaim teh connection b/c the two of you b/c he can not see himself as a separate person...he doesn't have you and he doesn't have OW now either...this is like death to him b/c like my STBX they have built themselves from teh outside in, instead of the inside out...

They have a backwards connection with us that they can not and will not see...we were their Pretend people and when we didn't do what they wanted this created fear and the need to control, in any form that they could...

He is feeling the separateness right now and is desperate to control, become one with another person to feel whole again...

He will not understand and may never but that's not your sandbox...that's his...don't cross into his...do what you have to! Protect yourself and DD, you haven't come this far for nothing!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, thank you for being here and helping me...you have inspired me and I look up to you...it's a wonderful thing to have someone who is/has dealt with the same stuff...You ARE a blessing to me...Take care, k?

oops - wrong thread - sorry - as you were

I am having great difficulty dealing with XWH. Now that our divorce is signed he has really gotten out of control. He has totally disregarded the RO and will no longer communicate via e-mail as he is required to do. He even stopped bringing DD2 to our designated drop off point and has started trying to bring her to the house. He has been acting like we are great friends and will often just call me for no reason.

This got to be more than I could handle. These interactions with him made me very uncomfortable and angry. He seems to feel that now that our D is signed, all the horrible things he did to me are just water under the bridge. I finally broke down and told him that I wanted him to stick to our divorce decree and the RO and to not deviate from it unless it was an emergency. I told him I did not want to be friends with him and couldn't see me changing how I felt about it anytime in the future without some huge changes in how he treated me. He said that wasn't very Christian of me. I informed him that the Christian ideal of forgiveness requires that the offending party be remorseful and ask for forgiveness before forgiveness is given. Anyway, we got into a huge argument. He is just furious with me that I dare feel the way I do about him.

That all would be no big deal in my opinion, except for the fact that he is now doing everything in his power to circumvent our visitation agreement. He showed up three hours early today to pick up DD2 from daycare without telling me and after he had told me last weekend that he couldn't see her on Wed evening. AND he sent me a hateful e-mail about his visitation this weekend.

The e-mail is what I am really upset about. He e-mailed me because he needs to make an out of town trip for work next week and they want him to fly out on Sunday because the airfare is cheaper. He initially told me that his parents would drop off DD2. I reminded him that if he has a scheduling conflict that our decree states that DD2 is to be brought back early or and alternate visitation period is to be scheduled (I have first right of refusal for conflicts). I suggested an alternate drop off time or him meeting me somewhere closer to the airport. He refused that idea, he said that he had made plans for his parents to spend the day with DD2 in his absence and wasn't that okay? Well, no it isn't. He didn't even ask me before he told them that was okay. In his mind that is his weekend no matter whether he spends time with DD2 or he is out of town. He is free to make arrangements with her without consulting me no matter what our divorce decree says. I am tired of him just doing what pleases him on a whim! It seems that he is doing this to try and get me riled. As long as I do whatever it is he wants, everything is fine. If I stand up for myself (like I did with telling him I didn't want to be friends with him and that his friendly advances were making me uncomfortable) then I am always "punished" in some way afterwards.

My question is this, Do I send her on the visit? Knowing full well that he is going to violate the agreement and keep her the extra day just to piss me off? Or do I let her go and try and deal with this later. I have tried all day to call my lawyer but he hasn't returned my phone calls. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Do you have a problem with his parents or your child spending time with them?

I think you have to pick your battles carefully -- like him violating the RO.

Is it worth the battle over your DD spending the day with his parents? Depends on how you feel about them. Is she safe and loved and hapy there? Then maybe it's good to let her see them, despite you wanting to make a point to him that he can't do that without asking you. If her safety or other things are questionable, then it's probably worth fighting over.

So how do you feel about his parents, outside of him being a jerk?

-AmI.

LL:

He's a Police Officer and constantly violating the law every time he contacts you outside of the Email protocols outlined in your Divorce decree he is violating the law.

I would call the court and start enforcing the RO.

Look what happens to you every TIME he contacts you.

Theres a reason you D'ed this guy.

Please remember it.

OF COURSE he WANTS to be your FRIEND!

It validates him and puts you back under his spell.

Stop the Madness.

Call the court and enforce the RO


LG

AmI-

No I don't have a huge problem with his parents. I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable again with their attitude about my daughter. In the past they have overstepped my boundaries with DD2. They frequently spend way too much money on her to the point that I have had to ask that they restrain themselves to keep from sending DD2 a bad message about material things. XWH's stepmother is a very controlling person and often would punish DD2 in ways that were overzealous and a little scary. Basically I am not comfortable with them parenting my daughter on a day to day basis. As screwed up as XWH is, he is very level headed with DD2. I am just fearful that XWH is not being a father to DD2 and shifting the responsibility of parenting to them.

I guess my objections aren't really about her grandparents. This situation is more me wanting XWH to do what he is supposed to do. I am trying to set boundaries with him and he is basically ignoring me. He did the same type of thing to me with our temporary agreement. He was not able to exercise the visitation that he badgered me into agreeing to in the temporary agreement. So he was using his mother as daycare and keeping her during the week while he was working. He also kept her days beyond what was awarded him in the agreement just to show me he could. I tried everything to get the temporary agreement enforced. Now I feel that this is more of the same.

LG-

I have filed a violation of the RO once before. XWH was violating our visitation agreement that was contained within the RO and I spoke to detectives at my local pd about it. To make a very long story short, a violation was filed and detectives went to try and arrest XWH and he had his captain step in and get everything dismissed (this happened after he got out of the hospital for meningitis back in July). I am reasonably sure that nothing would happen if I filed a violation again and he knows it. I have no way of enforcing that RO, it is worthless. I am not answering phone calls from him when DD2 is with me. That is all I can do right now to get some peace.

I was hoping that there might be something else I could do legally to enforce our custody agreement.

If his superiors step in to interfere with your RO, complain to the judge. Contact the Mayor and threaten to sue the city if anything happens to you. Write a letter to the newspaper. Complain to every official that you can think of...right up to the governor of your state.

BECOME A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!

You CAN get this RO enforced, but you will have to fight to do so. IMO, fighting to get it enforced is imperative in your situation.

Your ex is SCARY! Stop him NOW.

Not only for YOUR sake, but for your DD's sake!

Definitely go over his head!!!

Get ahold of your lawyer to contact the mayor. Or, if your lawyer doesn't handle this stuff, contact any women's organization that deals with DV/RO issues. They may know a good lawyer who would love to take this on.

I don't mean to scare you but, in our state-the chief of police in a local city murdered his XW and then killed himself in a parking lot, leaving his two kids orphaned. They had a history of domestic violence yet he was still allowed to stay in that position. The city was sued by her parents (now raising her kids) because they had ignored several claims of harrassment and inappropriate contact and hadn't enforced the RO against him. The case is the Crystal Brame Case. Use that story if you need to, to light a fire under the mayor etc.

Make a fuss. Protect yourself and your DD.

He has been acting like we are great friends and will often just call me for no reason.

hang up
say gotta go
say I gotta call coming in

period

I told him I did not want to be friends with him and couldn't see me changing how I felt about it anytime in the future without some huge changes in how he treated me.

futile on your part..don't power-struggle with an idiot a 2 year old or a teenager....

(pick which one he is... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

he said that he had made plans for his parents to spend the day with DD2 in his absence and wasn't that okay? Well, no it isn't. He didn't even ask me before he told them that was okay

be honest here..
would you call and ask his permission for your parents to see the kids....

he is still the dad...some levels of that seperate issues from the affair..which SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't make this the hill to die on...

you gotta send quiet consistant messages.....that establish you aren't playing...

not reactions with each one...cause that is what he wants...and what you are giving...

in fact you wanna scare him...say COOL..I made some really great plans for this weekend....I can't wait to get outta town for abit...

and say NO more!!!!!!!!
watch him turn around deliver your daughter home early just to fowl up your plans...

he's testing testing testing...

don't take the test...

ark

Thanks everyone for your support. I really needed some perspective on this situation. I have made myself an action list. Sort of a to do list. I have gotten the run around about this RO in the past. No one really wants to help you. They all have a suggestions on who might be able to help you but no one can do anything themselves.

The really frustrating thing is that I knew this would happen with XWH. I told my lawyer at one of our hearings that it won't matter what agreement we sign, WH won't follow it anyway. I also knew he would throw a hissy fit about me not wanting to be friends with him. I would love to not react to his BS anymore. I have trouble knowing when to react and when to ignore him.

My List:

1. Have a conversation with my lawyer and find out if there is anything he can do to help or if he can make any suggestions.

2. Call my domestic violence advocate and see if she can help me with this. She has been able to find out things concerning the police department that I can't in the past.

3. I am going to send WH an email letting him know that that is fine for DD2 to spend the extra day with her grandparents. I will also let him know that when I take trips out of town for work seminars and training in the future I will be sure to schedule that time to spend with my parents. Because he won't mind will he?

4. Contact the detective who handled my first RO complaint. She probably thinks XWH is a king size @ss since he ruined her first investigation. Maybe she will be willing to help me now.


ARK----

"would you call and ask his permission for your parents to see the kids...."

I would never violate our custody agreement to schedule anything for DD, no matter what it was. I follow the rules to the letter. Letting him slide on any issue is a slippery slope for me. Next time a conflict arises, I know it will be "Well you didn't mind last time!" He takes advantage of weakness, or what he perceives as weakness. That is why he wants to continue a "friendship" with me. So he can use it to manipulate me. I do agree that I normally wouldn't object to this arrangement. Her grandparents are basically nice well-meaning people although a little misguided at times. I am just so sick of this BS. It is very hard for me to read situations and know what to do regarding WH. I am always second guessing myself.

LG, johnstwin, LC

You are all right. I need to fight harder. Thanks. This battle has been going on so long.....a year now. I am getting tired of fighting. I was looking forward to a break! I guess God will let me rest when I am finished and no sooner. I will try to keep my chin up. I do happen to know the second in command to the chief of police. Maybe I will pay him a visit!