instead of eating!!! (or trying to pick on melody, not that i was trying to "pick" on her, i just don't like to see anyone who seems to be trying to come here for help be beat up so much. i know she needs it, but if all we accomplish is to push her away, what good does that do??)

anyway this post is not about that.

it's about the stuff from my two threads last week. i thought i would start a new one instead of bumping either of them back up.

i've been reading the both over and over. honestly lots of good stuff in both.

but i still feel so defeated. i'm still flying solo without knowing how to change anything.

ok, i suppose i could wait till the 30lbs are gone, see what happens then.

i see myself slipping further and further away. i see my care about this marriage fading more and more. I'm mad at myself for my lack of commitment and perserverance and at the same time i'm starting to justify it.

more and more i think to my self, just 5 more yrs... once the youngest is in college you can finally free yourself of this cr*p.

i don't know what good i expect will come from this post.

just babbling i suppose.

Hey, Darlin!

Just popped in and saw your new thread. Sorry to hear you're feeling defeated....I well know the feeling, but am learning that it is up to ME to DO something if and when that is the case. Learning that I am not completely powerless in most situations, and that I DO have choices no matter how it may SEEM at the time!

It's going to take more than a few days to turn things around, but you know that! It's just hard to get STARTED when you're feeling the way you do.

Are you still planning to go to counseling? Has your DH found one yet and/or made an appointment? If it's that important to him, I hope he doesn't drag his feet, ya know?
If he does, though, you can ask him if it's alright that YOU make the appointment.
Have you explained to him how you are feeling about your marriage lately? I mean, have you told him everything you have told us?

It seems you've been going round in circles....time to try a different route! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NOW

P.S. How much different do you suppose things would be for you if in five years you indeed were "free from this cr*p"...are you sure it would be better? If you seriously contemplate that, can you explain how it would be "better"? I'd like to hear your thoughts on that...if you have time.

Hi NOW, i'm so glad you posted!!! ya know, i feel like i've just burned so many bridges around here, you included.

i know it is my own faulty conclusions but it doesn't make it any easier.

DH has made no reference to C since he told me on friday that he would not blow it off this time.

it's finding the person that is the obsticle, not just making an appointment.

NOW, i'm so sick of the whole "It's up to me!" speech.

I'M TIRED!!! and i hate how negative i am. crying is increasing big time.

Sure DH and i talk, and it always comes back to what i am doing wrong. like now, since i never lost the weight....

i was skinny once, he was distant then too.

i pointed that out, he says well back then you were doing "this" wrong.

i doubt the stars are ever going to line up perfectly for him. why the heck does he want to stay married to me???

why the heck do i? oh yeah, that;s why i'm so depressed, i don't want to be married anymore. i want to crawl in a hole and become a hermit instead.

ok, i just read your PS. i'm typign up a response now.

Fl,

Just wanted to say real quick that you have NOT burned any bridges with me! I have to run and take my son for a haircut, so it may be a while before I can respond again....

Meanwhile, hang in there. It's not ALL up to you, but there is a lot that is, and once you see that, it is very very liberating, for BOTH you and you DH!

TTYL,

NOW

The loss or lack of hope is also my biggest enemy to recovery, and I am struggling with the concept that codependency is the solution to it as MB seems to teach. Some of it clicks with me, some of it doesn't.

A couple of people on these forums posted a link to Al Turtle's website and the teachings of Imago therapy. I know 3 people that are counselors in Christian Counseling centers (all different places), and each of them have heard of this style of relationship counseling and have Imago therapists on staff.

I like to try and gather as much information as I can, as I want the highest chance of success that I can get. I think that different styles will work for different people, so it might be worth looking at that along with MB.

how it would be better:

mostly it would would be the removal of the constant feeling of disapproval that i feel now. along with the lonliness of being in a marriage with a disconnected spouse.

being single sounds nice in comparison.

seems like i am anwering flippently. i don't mean to be.

i would definitely change my lifestyle to require less $. with that i would be free to leave this job and change careers. become a teacher finally. i would have the freedom to make choices that i cannot make now.

i would change the family dynamics too. less tv, less sarcasm!!! and more cooperative working together.

if you think you would be better off single...then why are you still wasting your BH's time? I know that comes across as harsh...but YOU have had several affairs and it sounds like you are less than a joy to have as a spouse.
If you think you will find happiness elsewhere, I would bet that your H is able to do the same. And sorry, but I agree that since it is you that steered the M into the affair/recovery waters that if your H needs you to do the heavy lifting as far as counseling goes...well, do it until....

NOW, thanks again.

Long, thanks, i'll go look at that now, what do i have to lose, huh? i really don't want to give up. but my head is hurting due to banging it on the wall for so long now.

mkeverydaycnt,

because BH does not want to divorce.

"it sounds like you are less than a joy to have as a spouse"

thanks for that, that is very helpful.

up until this point DH would not do C, i did IC for a while. a few times DH started to say he would do MC but then he changed his mind. of course that is certainly his choice.

now, DH says he will do C to talk about my dad but he said he would find the person.

The site is massive, with an incredible amount of information and psychology behind every concept. It just seemed to make a lot of sense to me.

It took probably 20-25 hours or more of just straight reading to get through it all, and that says nothing about how well I absorbed any of it, much less implemented anything from it. Of course, having a newborn in intensive care for a week and now having my W and newborn at home along with a 4 year old is limiting the amount of time my W and I have that we can exclusively devote to each other.

All along, for the past several years, it was the lack of hope that has been crushing me. Hope that I foolishly found within an EA, which ended up causing even more pain and sorrow within me, recognizing that I am indeed "missing something".

I have the same horribly demoralizing thoughts about not even wanting to recover some days. Thinking that I would be happier, better off, out by myself somewhere far from here. Not with the OW, not with anyone else, just . . . gone.

The site that I linked addresses all of those issues in a way that made a lot of sense to me, a way that I could understand and relate to. But, nothing is the right thing for everyone. I hope it helps you though.

it is an observation not an attack...
do you really think you are a prize spouse...several affairs and now you wish you were swingle or single.

and just because your BH does not want a divorce does not mean that you should be staying and wishing you were elsewhere. IMO, if you cannot be happy in your M, give him the freedom to go find someone else that will appreciate him.

I don't know what your dad has to do with all of this...but bottom line is.. I think you owe your H a lot more than you are bringing to the table right now. A FWS that now wishes she was single....can you see why that is no baragin for him?

Hi FL-

I want to tell you that I also feel the same way sometimes (I'm a FWW and a BS). I hate the feeling that I've tried everything, and there is no progress!

But everytime I think I've run out of options, new ideas pop up. So please don't give up hope.

I really like Al Turtle's site. My favorites are: You can't get love from a lizard, and What to do when he/she won't talk to you.

Best wishes,
~Saturn

PS I was really gentle with firsttimer last year. But it didn't help, she's writing the same stuff she wrote last year. I hope she stays too, but it's up to her. I remember the 2 x 4s when I first came here (I was an actively wayward wife) and they hurt! But they worked and I'm grateful now.

i dont wish i was swingle, not sure what you meant by that.

i'm not happy with the fact that i am to a point where i wish i was elsewhere.

that's why i'm posting!!!

maybe you are right, i should go home today and tell him i want to divorce so we can all feel happier.

i'm really glad you have never struggled with such things as dispair and loss of hope.

what about all i have brought to the table for the past 3 yrs?

you sound just like him, i'm never good enough.

if i truely had my wish it would be to be happily married to him. not single. but you can't force a person to be happy with you.

the only clear msg i am getting from his is that I have NEVER been good enough. yup, that's the strong msg i get. I've never been good enough, i've never made him feel special (oh wait then he said, except for the christmas when you bought me the motorcycle).

and you have a hard time understanding why i don't want to be here???

here is a nice recent quote to explain why he married me. "i thought you had potential", notice, he didn't say i thought you were wonderful and the one for me, he thought i had "potential". what the heck does that mean???

before you make snap decisions on my worth, why don't you ask some questions and get to know what my shoes feel like first???

Hi Saturn,

i signed up at that site and i have booked marked it.

i didn't think i had it in me to read today.

maybe i should just calm down and go do that instead of worrying about what is being posted here.

as far as firsttimer goes, it's a shame, for her, and even more for her BH and family. and i hate it. you are right, it is unfortunately only up to her.

I see the problems you are having...SO...he is never happy with you, you were unhappy enough to go act swingle several times...so, what is the point of your M?

Now that you have stated your desires clearly...rather than you'd rather be single...perhaps it is time for a firmer hand in the rudder of your collective lives. Letting years go by with nothing to show for it except regret is a terrible waste.

Let him know that you have expectations for the M and moving forward. Get the appointment scheduled immediately...although it sounds like you guys would benefit a lot more from a series of weekend getaways. It is ridiculous to waste 5 more years in this "existence." Work to fix things now....even if YOU have to do the heavy lifting for now...or admit that you are no good together and part ways. Hopefull your H's displeasure concerning you is a result of curable injuries as a result of your A. Hopefully his comments to bring you down are nothing more than the rants of a man made bitter by the insensitive and cruel actions of a WS. I say hopefully because those things can be overcome wih hard work.

so, let me get this straight...YOU rip his heart outby having affairs and NOW you need HIM to reassure you that you are a good catch and wife???

You want reassurance....here it is...he hasn't kicked you out after your affairs. That says love more than anything else I can think of.

Maybe he doesn't want to admit how special you were to him before your affairs...because then he has to face both the reality of all he has lost and what he has left...which BTW is self esteem shattered in a fashion that you cannot even imagine. Oh, poor you.... your BH is not able to get across how lucky he feels to be living with a woman that betrayed him. Oh, poor you...your H wants you to lose thirty pounds...did you ever stop and think that maybe he is testing you because of the way you have ripped his life to shreads.
I have zero sympathy for any FWS or WS that complains about their BS. Sorry, it falls on deaf ears until such a time as they have done everything possible to make up for the rape they inflicted on their spouse...in your case several rapes.

I am honestly amazed and dumbfounded by the open contempt and hatred displayed by so many posters that are heralded as being "the people to listen to". It breaks my heart.

I hear Finallylearning asking for help, for comfort, for hope. I hear her saying that she would rather be alone than in a hopelessly disfunctional relationship. I hear her saying that she has been trying, using all the tools that she has and knows how to use for the past 3 years, and that so far it has not worked.

I hear her saying that she wants it to work with her husband, but that the pain and invalidation and abuse that her husband is giving her is great, and that she is tired right now. I think we all tire from time to time.

I hear that she has lost all hope right now that she can make it work with her H, and that she wants and needs his help, and the help of others, to make it work. I hear her saying that she needs more tools to choose from, a better plan, more options, more knowledge.

I hear her saying that she is sorry for her choices in the past. I hear her saying that she is trying to make it right, is trying to do everything that she can.

I hear her saying that she is human. And I think that all humans are worthy of respect, of care, and of love.

If I heard anything incorrectly, please let me know.

deaf ears?? then why are you reading my posts???

feel free to exercise your right to have blind eyes too.