Yeah...I am in EXACTLY the same place I was in a year ago.

I put my questions aside, decided to just ENJOY the relationship and let it work itself out.

So, its been a great year since I last posted an update. Very very happy with L.

But of course, I just had to do the ol 2 year temperature check. Are we headed in the same direction? nope.

He's as upset as I was. The answer seemed so darn obvious last night (meaning we should break up). But just the thought of not being with him just destroys me. This sucks.

So now what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, Lexxxy. M and I had that sort of talk in the beginning of April. In fact, he thought I really was breaking up with him even though I didn't mention it. Amazingly enough, he changed some of his behaviors to be more "couple" oriented, and now we're talking about "the future" "being together" "combining our households" and other euphamisms for marriage. I still hestitate to say that word.

Maybe give him a couple of weeks to process this information. Keep your options open. It would stink to have to break up with him but it will be easier now than later. Or you can wait until the relationship really bad and it's easy to break up.

Hang in there.

Thanks GG.
I'm giving it time. No rush for anything.

I wish there was a reason to break up or the relationship was bad....it is amazingly great except with I bring up the "M" word.

We just can't seem to get past this. He thinks his life would change dramatically. I think it wouldn't. We'll keep talking about it.

He'll have some alone time to think this weekend. So will I.

Hi Lexxxy,

Change dramatically how? Refresh me, he's never been married right?

This is so tough. BF and I are headed towards marriage after 2 1/2yrs after a few bumps along the way, bumps created by him. THe turning point for him was when we spent over 3 weeks together straight this summer, kids and all, without splitting our time b/w 2 households and he got a little glimpse of what our lives could be like together, as a family and whoa! did he change his tune!

We're ready to be together, bound to one another, baggage and all, fully knowing that relationships are what you make them.....we all can chose the type of relationships we want. L is afraid of change b/c of what may be around him (other's relationships) but ultimately it's up to HIM and YOU as to what your "marriage" will be like. Is he convinced that things will change for the worse b/c that's the "marriage" stereotype?

Are you now living together or just dating? If you are not living together, then of course life would change dramatically when you start - may be for better, may be for worse, but it would definitely change. Is it the change that he is afraid of, the marriage, the commitment, what?

AGG

Hey DW;
Glad to hear things are progressing positively for you!

Refresher: he's never married, no kids, 45. We've been together 2 years and get along absolutely great until I talk about MARRIAGE; which I envision in a few YEARS. And why do I even bring it up? Because I want to know that we are planning to end up in the same place. I don't want to get to the point of having dated him for 5 years to find out we're NEVER getting married and its over.

I think I really need to do better at communicating exactly what you just said -- that it is up to US to shape our relationship; there is no set pattern to what it has to be.

Yeah -- I think that's a big part of the issue -- his stereotype of marriages. One of the things he mentioned to me was being "responsible" for me, which I think comes from his parents marriage. His mother is completely dependent on his dad (she never worked, doesn't drive, etc.)

BF had a few hang ups himself based on his previous marriage--his ex was a SAHM, poor housekeeper, who spent "his" money w/ abandon--that was his picture of a marriage relationship. Nice huh? He still wanted us to get married but I was like, uh no thanks, if that's what you think marriage is like! I looked him in the eye and told him, I'm not his ex and will never be his ex-- I have a career, my own money, my own life, keep a good home, and have no interest in bleeding anyone dry, thankyouverymuch, and would greatly appreciate not being compared to anyone else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I understand baggage, but after 2 1/2 years together the proof is in the puddin' kwim? I gently reminded him that our relationship is different because WE are different, more mature and have grown as individuals and our relationship is based on mutual love, respect, and admiration and is a true partnership.

Don't hesitate to continue this dialog w/ BF....refresh me again, is he willing to live together?

Hey DW;

Live together? Yes, he would. However, I won't. Not if we don't agree on the future.
I will not have him move in with me if the end plan isn't marriage.
After spending a lot of time thinking about the situation this weekend, I'm not feeling real positive.

Wish me luck.

Today is the "anniversary" of our first date -- two years ago. We're going out for dinner.

I just want to enjoy the evening. I'm not in the mood to have any relationship talks.

And yet I know I've got to do something.
I'm not in a place to just ignore it for another year.

We chatted here and there thoughout the weekend (just like always) but it feels to me like I'm just ignoring the Elephant. You all know what I mean.

We're going to visit his parents this weekend (I committed to helping his mom with a project...). So I don't feel like I can just end it quite yet.

UGH. I'm sure that once I see him again, it will seem harder to end it. Being away from him for most of the week was moving me the other direction...

Lexxxy,

Good luck! We'll be thinking about you.

Well - we had a great time. We always do. But the entire time I felt like there was just this chasm between us. In the past I was really able to ignore the issue, and now I am really unable to.

So what do I do now?

Heck if I know. I guess play nice for the next week. Then we'll see.

Any new updates Lexxxy? Have you had a chance to discuss things w/ BF?

Thinking of you

a college friend of mine did exactly that . . a woman gave him a dedline to marry, no ring, she walked out. . .

he couldn't commit after his first divorce. . . took her walking away for him to realize that he has to committ to keep someone. . .

he finally got remarried to another woman. . .

wiftty

Is this meant to be a warning to Lexxxy, Wiftty?

It seems your friend's previous GF wanted a commitment then and there. Lexxxy, on the other hand, seems to want to know her BF is at least considering marriage, if I understand her correctly.

If Lexxxy wants to remarry it is reasonable to want to know if the current BF, whom she loves, wants that also. To be exclusive with one another with the hope that in five years he may want to consider marriage puts Lexxxy is a vulnerable position and one she may resent if her plans for her future include aspiring to marry.

I understand the mentality of enjoy what you have and the concept of not spouse hunting (tee,hee, you knew that phrase would come up didn't you?). However, there is a difference between heading in a direction with hope because, in theory, your SO wants what you do and moving toward a future without any clue as to whether he wants what she does.

Nams, bingo! I feel like the last two years I've been going on HOPE that we would want the same thing, but now I'm not even hopeful or wondering anymore. I'm certain he does NOT want what I want.

So I have to end it, or change what I want. Do I wait a couple more years, since we have such a great thing going?
Not with the HOPE anymore, but just because this suits us both for right now?

He is adament that marriage is NOT his goal. So if we are on this path together, with totally different destinations in mind, then when do you let go and follow your path alone?

So, DW, to answer your question -- no, no further talks.
He's gone this week on a wilderness camping trip -- no cell phones. So I won't see or talk to him this week.
And its easier than I thought.

So, he gets back on Sunday. I'm not planning to see him then, but I'm reasonably sure he plans on staying at my house Monday - Thursday (then he leaves for another "boys weekend"). I'm not sure yet how to handle that. Not sure that I want him there, but we've gotten into this routine so I think I have to be the one to break it.

WIFTY -- that is one of my fears. That he'll get it later. But I'll be long gone by then.

So does it suck more to break up later? Does another year make it harder?

And another thought...

No matter how many times he says this:

"Its not you, I just don't want to get married. If I did want to get married, you would be the one. But I just don't see myself ever getting married..."

all I hear is:
"I don't want to marry YOU"

and its draining me.

Why is he so adamant about no marriage?

I dunno - if he has said this to you more than once, I'd tend to believe him - and then you decide if it's enough for you or not.

And, I don't think that it's you - just sounds to me like he isn't willing or ready or whatever to make that commitment at this point in his life - he's in his 40's, right?

Sucks though - considering you have such a great relationship....

Laura

Well Lexxxy, there really is no practical difference between him not want marriage in his future and him not wanting to marry you. The outcome is the same...no marriage.

I'd be interested to know why you like to stay around for another year. Doesn't the fact that he doesn't want marriage change the dynamics of the relationship, change your feelings for him?

Nams, I know I get into circular arguments that drive me nuts!

Ok -- so if I break up with him, I really don't envision myself jumping back into dating. I don't feel like I have the energy for it.

I've got a busy schedule with my son's activities, and my own, plus work -- and I don't have a lot of time to devote toward dating. With BF, it just seems to work so well. We still find enough time for each other, but no demands or complaints about the time we are apart.

So, if I don't want to date anyone else...why not just keep this going until I do?

It does change my feelings towards him. I'm withdrawing.
If I stay with him, I think things need to change.

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