familycomesfirst glad to hear it. kids do bounce back fast.

MrsW. I'm not sure you have enough of a view of me to make that decision. Nor do I have enough of a view of familycomesfirst to know anyting about her, in fact that was the first and only post i had read of hers. I was not thinking us vrs them when i started this thread. I just wanted to say thanks.

Yes, I do watch my thinking pattern.

I don't know. I have read everyone's responses here multiple times now. and I have thought about my response to Captain's thread.

I just don't know. and I don't know how figure it out.

do i have a victim's mentality?

i just don't know. i personally don't feel like a "victim". there are things in my life i'm not thrilled with that i don't feel fully capable of changing on my own. but i am trying.

does that mean i'm acting like a victim??

i didn't like the way the exchange occured last week, specifically with melody. i was trying to ask her a real question, and her response back to me was frustrating. and my conclusion, that she was doing it to be mean, remains.

it happens.

incidentally, i found an opportunity to tell DH that i remembered those moments i was talking about in Captain's thread. i told him how powerful those moments were and i thanked him again for teaching me how marriage means never giving up. which he has certainly showed me quite clearly. he remembered the specific moments too.

JL, this has nothing to do with you. This has been building for some time now. If I'm unhappy and frustrated here I'm going to do what's best FOR ME and leave.

"i didn't like the way the exchange occured last week, specifically with melody. i was trying to ask her a real question, and her response back to me was frustrating. and my conclusion, that she was doing it to be mean, remains."

This is what I sympathized with. I wish you nothing but the best FL2 in your recovery.

just read the most recent posts happening here.

it's a shame. this place is here to help us.

maybe this is what it takes sometimes?

It's tirades like the one above that indicate that you view yourself as a victim, fcf...THOSE are YOUR REACTIONS and YOU have control over those...No one here said that you were "of so little use or help"...that came from YOU and YOUR perspective...That is what I was trying to help you adjust...

And if it's been six years or six minutes it doesn't matter...Your husband should be told the WHOLE truth-he deserves that...You realize that you rob yourself of intimacy also when you hold that in, right? Which of course robs your husband of that too...and further down the line it robs your children of seeing what a truly happy and intimate marriage should be...Why on earth would you want that?

Mrs. W

what MrsW is saying is worth hearing familycomesfirst.

it's ok to be frustrated and not like the way some people are. no one loves everyone. Except God <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

but adding the part that "since I'm of so little use or help...." is not a constructive thought pattern.

FLT2H...

I saw Capitan's thread and your advice...Honestly, I think that it is a combination of all the advice given there would help him...I questioned your reaction on that thread though...No one came in and disparaged the advice you gave...it was allowed to stand on it's own merit...But then you came in and seemingly "scolded" others there for not regurgitating or endorsing the same advice you gave...I did not then and do not now understand that reaction...The only thing I'm left to consider is that perhaps you didn't fully have the confidence to stand by your own advice without the endorsement of others and that upset you-and you chose a "them against me" mindset-I dunno, only you do I suppose...Then the whole thing shot into flames...but who caused the initial spark there?

Again, I asked because I am puzzled when a group of FWSs come together seemingly "against the board"-especially when they start making cries of "you're so mean" and that kind of thing...Personally, if I was a part of it, I would question myself...I just wondered why some of you don't seem to...that's all...

Mrs. W

MrsW. i was bothered by the advice of others because he was asking for something he could do and others gave him flipent answers.

i didn't need anyone to endorse my advice. I did later ask Melody to explain to me why she thought my advice was not good.

wheather or not it seems to you that i question myself, rest assuured i do.

ya know what, upon reflecting on all this stuff...

i did post too harshly last week. I could of felt what i felt, which was a strong negative response, but then choose to post more respectfully. asking questions instead of blasting my feelings.

i figure i might as well just say that.

even with this relection, i do believe melody had just as much of a hand in the nastyness of our exchanges as i did.

Mrs W,

On the drive home from work, I got to wondering.

This question is very sincere.

Do you belive Melody conducted herself at all times in a mature/appropriate manner during the couse of events last week?

Am I not looking at this objectively enough?

Is that a fair question? shouldn't be be concerned wit how you conducted yourself..or address Melody directly if you so choose?

Methinks somebody is "sincerely" trying to change the subject to avoid looking at herself. How objective is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

But would that be a justification for your own "nastyness?" Do you allow your children to justify their own bad behavior by pointing to others? Do you think that is a very mature trait?

Hmmm...lots of pondering going on while I was at the grocery store I see...

Okay, here are my thoughts/opinions on last week's drama around here...

As far as your advice on the thread was concerned, I think it could have stood on it's own merit with the poster of origin...meaning he could take from it what he needed...However, your post alone would not have been enough...it needed balance...BECAUSE...waywards as you know are a nasty breed...giving his WW tons of his faults on a silver platter would likely backfire in a BIG way further fueling her rationalizations and justifications which is DANGEROUS...I also know that there are kernels of truth in what waywards say...usually highly exaggerated, but some truth nonetheless, so because of that I felt that what you were trying to get across did carry SOME weight, but it's a fine line, IMO...Honestly, I think the best thing that a BS can do when being shot with the nasty rationalizations and justifications of an active wayward is to acknowledge and ignore...usually the wayward is placated by that, and that is enough...With the horrible things that the wayward is doing and the obvious immaturity that they are displaying sometimes flippant answers fit the bill...It's a really delicate balance and I am awed by the BS's that tread their way through it only a daily basis...that takes major strength and grace, IMO...

Regarding the "behaviors" of you and ML last week, I'll say it again FLT2H, the WHOLE enchilada could have been avoided if you had let your post stand on it's own merit-seriously, you could have chosen to even add more of your brand of help rather than "scolding" the others-that's just the way I see it...Other than that, the only thing I know to do is what my dad often did when my brother and I were younger...SPANK YOU BOTH TO BE SURE AND GET THE RIGHT ONE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope something I've said makes sense...You realize, of course, that it's just my lil ole opinion anyway, which is worth exactly what you paid for it...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

mkeverydaycnt,

it is a fair question because what i am questioning is if i am looking at this objectively enough.

hence my concluding question to MrsW was: "Am I not looking at this objectively enough"

Melody, conclude what you want, that is your choice. This is not about you.

Mrs.W. Thanks for you post. I certainly agree I should of counted to 10, or 100, whatever I needed to seperate my own issues/triggers/buttons from the act of just posting to help Captain. that is why i posted to begin with. I believe i pre-faced with saying i did not really know Captain's specifics. But his questions made me remember what DH did, how strongly it impacted and eventually helped and so I wanted to share.

and your balance thought is a very good one. i whole-heartedly agree.

and this "the best thing that a BS can do when being shot with the nasty rationalizations and justifications of an active wayward is to acknowledge and ignore." I also agree with.

It seemed to me that Captain was looking for some ideas of what to do in the moments in between.

when my DH apologized to me, it was not in response to anything i had just done. It just came from him.

anyway, my focus will strongly go back to taking/using what helps me, giving from the heart and letting everything else go by.

thanks Mrs.W, your lil ole opinion is what i was seeking, i do believe I got my money's worth.

editted to fix all my mistakes!!! been a long day.

Of course its not about me, which is why there is abcolutely no reason to bring me up if you are sincerely looking at yourself.

melody, what is your motivation behind posting to me?

i'm looking at a specific situation that occured last week that everyone already saw. and it did include you. what's the big surprise there? It's not like i'm dragging your name out of secrecy here.

FLTH, what is your goal in dragging my name into your supposed "sincere" self analysis? What does that have to do with your own behavior? Do you imagine that you should feel free to talk about others without being challenged on that immature behavior?

Maybe you are just confused?

Melody, your posts are full of DJs. if you are trying to challenge me on immature behavior that you believe i am doing by posting my question to MrsW all I can do is respecfully disagree with you.

my question was sincere.

i have nothing further to say to you. It is clear we are incapable of communicating constructively with each other.

I see, so you are unable to rationally explain the obvious discrepancy in your statements?