O.K. I guess I have 2x4's coming, in that people will think I am a terrible mother for even thinking this...

DD who is a teen, decided she no longer wanted to live here and went to live with EXH and OW. After all she talked about them...bad things, hated them both for ruining our family, etc. etc., now she loves living there. New school, new friends etc.

OW is now her best friend! She told me she didn't know her before, thus calling her a wh$re etc. Now that she knows her, she says she is a really nice person. Sure, she's old enough to be her sister! (she's 17 years younger than ExH). OW takes her to school, picks her up, etc. etc. How can a person who got involved with a M man with kids be nice?! The way she talks is that OW is her new best friend and Mom, although she told me that I would always be her mother. Gee thanks!

I am devastated! I've always been there for her. ExH never was. I feel as if it is D Day all over again...hurt, betrayed, etc. etc.

I dont want to see DD, talk to DD etc. Not very motherly or adult like of me, I know, I just can't understand how she can welcome OW with open arms and live with them now. And of what she said of her father, he's now her knight! She saw how devasted I was when I found out about the A. She saw how our family has changed. Even though she is a teen, she knows what this is all about. I feel as it is a slap in the face to me.

She tells me the past is the past and to forget about it. She has. OW ruined my M and family, I can't forget about it!

As I said right now I want nothing to do with DD, I am so hurt, you have no clue. I feel like Plan B is the only thing I can do to keep my sanity, although others tell me she is still my kid etc. etc. I just don't feel that way right now.

We now have to go back to court to alter CS. DD said she will testify if needed, to say that she feels it best to live with ExH. She seemed happy here. Had a small arguement and now she's leaving to go live with him and he's welcoming her! He should have made her come back here to deal with stuff, but he feels she can decide where she wants to live. Another person who runs away when the going gets tough!

I would imagine now this will bring a kink to his and OW's relationship, but maybe not, if OW is embracing DD as I hear she is!

This nightmare will never end!

Am I wrong and a bad mother to think this way!?

Catgirl:

You are in an awful situation, no doubt. Do not worry about the feelings that you have because of the horrible actions of others. That is only natural.

My ex and her new husbands did some awful things, but most of what they did rebounded on them. My advice is to take the high road, be as nice as you can to DD, and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually your children will see the truth, just as mine have, although this may take time.

Catgirl,

I am so sorry that you have go through this, I can't even imagine it. I'm no expert but I think instead of Plan B, you should try to find a way to maybe Plan A your daughter. She's going through is really rough, doesn't excuse the pain she's causing you. Your daughter does NEED her mother. Put aside your own hurt and nurture your relationship w/her. The reward will come back to you 100 fold.

You have to look at this in long term, as much as it feels like a betrayal now, it won't always be. You don't want to burn any bridges, you also don't want to give them an avenue to justify why A happen. Don't let them take away the most important person in your life.

Let her live there full time, as we all know the fairy tale will end. The first time "the happy family" have a conflict (she is a teenager), she'll come out her "fog". And you need to be there to comfort and embrace your daughter with understanding and all the unconditional love that we reserve for our children. Become her safe haven.

Just to warn you, with it being a holiday weekend you may not get response you are craving for. But if you ask, they will come. Hang in there.

I'll be thinking of you.
Tami

catgirl,

This ia pretty common at this age. They are trying to be more independent and so move to parent who s chummier and less strict. No about you at all.

Your husband should have made her return home. But of course, he is living in la-la land, and not thinking like a responsible father. YUCK.

Your situation is very common and happens a lot when there are teens. It is almost predictable. I'm sure it won't last. You need to continue being her mother, and stay the adult. Lord knows, SOMEONE needs to be the adult in the family.

I'm sure she will be back as soon as the glow wears off. I know it is very hurtful though.

Yes, ExH should have made her come home, yet he didn't. He wants to be the hero now showing everyone how she will thrive under his care.

Funny, DD told me that in ExH's home it's much more stricter than here and she likes that. I let her have her space here, I guess I should have imposed more rules, but I didn't. Now she blames me for being a parent that had no structure for her and ExH does.

I'm not sure that it won't last. She sounded EXTREMELY happy on the phone. She told me this was the best for her and what she needed. I don't agree that a teen knows what they want at that age.

They *are* living as a big happy family now. DD loves the OW now, which is the ultimate betrayal to me. I would have thought DD would have had some alllegiance to me at least. Guess not.

Now ExH can gloat...see things were so bad here, that's why he left. Now my own kid can't stand living here. Justification for his A I'm sure.

They may be one big happy family right now, but it will NEVER last. I helped raise 6 step kids, and it was never easy. Problems will start popping up and I'm sure she will be back.

It has nothing to do with you as a mother, but is more of an attempt to please her dad and stay in his life.

How is everything else going?

Wow, God bless you on raising 6. I know how hard it is to raise just 2!

I guess I'm just having a very hard time understanding all of this. Just 2 weeks ago, she told me she hated her father/OW etc. etc. At that point, I didn't think she cared if he was in her life or not.

I just feel as if she has turned the knife in my heart deeper. She knew how upset I was with this whole situation, OW etc., yet she's now embracing OW?! I look at that as deliberately trying to hurt me!

DD told me that it's not like they are out to get me. She said I needed to move on and forget the past.

Well I do feel as if they are laughing their a$$es off right now at me. ExH knew how hard I tried to keep the kids away from OW and their unmoral living situation. How I told him that the kids would never accept her, which they told me, now DD is living with them and accepting OW! Guess I'm the one who looks like a fool now! Great role models my kid has to live with! And the funny part is, she seems to accept it all as normal.

In answer to your question...I am doing terrible. I try and keep it together for DS, but he is having it rough too. Dad left, sister left, me next?! I've explained to him that I would NEVER leave him, but I'm sure it's still in his mind.

I've lost 4 pounds in 3 days. Went to the Dr. and had him prescribe a stronger tranquilzer. I'm starting to have a few beers a night now to just calm down. Not like me at all, but I don't know how else to cope. I never thought my own kid would hurt me like this.

I do see an IC. She feels that this is all new to DD, that she gives it a few months and when the novelty wears off, DD will see where her bread is buttered. I don't agree with that. I think DD is too stubborn to admit she may have made a mistake by leaving, and will just stick it out there.

She already told me that ExH's apt. is much smaller than our house. Her room is small etc. etc., but that those things aren't important to her.

Talking to her was like talking to a 30 year old! I think they've already brainwashed her!

I thought maybe DD living there would hurt the A, but now I think differently. I think OW is doing all she can for DD to show ExH how devoted she is to him, by taking care of his kid...taking her to school, school clothes shopping, taking her for a new haircut etc. She has to kiss his butt, so he won't leave her.

OW is making a tremendous effort right now, but it won't last. She'll get tired of it, and sooner or later will have disagreements with your daughter.

This happens all the time here - it happened to Lord's Lady and Hurting in Oklahoma, and a couple of others. It is very hurtful, but won't last.

Let your daughter know that you love her and try not to take it personally.

catgirl,

I really feel for you chere....that is so damn tough!! Teenagers can be self-serving, narcissistic, opportunistic, fickle little boogers sometimes. The only thing you can count on....is that you can't count on them. Fortunately, they grow up. If you want her to be loyal, then you've got to show her what loyalty looks like....because she sure won't learn it over there.

If it were me, I would not intiate contact....but whenever she does....respond warmly and lovingly. Do not engage in emotional conversations with her full of accusations about her being a traitor and such. It won't help. If she brings up OW or WH, ask her to please change the subject. If she won't....be kind but firm about how painful those discussions are and end the conversation. When you're with her....distract her with fun and interesting things that you give you other things to share and converse about besides the misery index. Let her miss you. Let her return to you out of love....not guilt...or she'll make your life miserable and she go back and forth whenever it suits her. If she wants to come home....put conditions on it.

Let her learn this lesson chere....there are natural consequences....and she'll feel them.

((((((((((((((((((cg)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your kind words. I hope you are right in that the OW will get tired of being a babysitter and it won't last. It does look very promising now though, that's for sure!

It is just SO hard to pretend I love her right now, when God help me for saying this, I don't. I know I have to be the adult etc, etc, but I honestly thinks this hurts more than finding out about the A. It is hard not to take it personally when DD knew/saw the he## I went through.

DD heard me crying myself to sleep many, many nights over this OW. Now she has no problem forgiving her? Hanging out with her at the apt. etc? I see that as so disrespectful to me. I know I need to look at it another way, but right now I can't. When talking to DD the other night on the phone, she mentioned something about "her" house (where she lives now). That killed me! THIS is her house!

ExH took DS for visitation yesterday. DD was there. I just saw her from afar in the street. She got out of the car to let DS in. She looked at me. I should have acknowledged her, I know, but I ignored her. It hurts too much right now to even speak to her. I know if I did, then she would think I'm O.K with all of this, even though I told her I would never be.

What was the end result with Lord's Lady and Hurting in OK? I don't know their situations.

They both got their daughters back, and both ended up with other men.

But it was real heartbreaking.

My sons dad left when the youngest was 2 and never paid a dime of child support, and didn't call them. Sixteen years later, my oldest at 17 announced that he was going to move to Oregon and live with his father. I was upset for days, but my dad told me to let him go, and he would be back. He lasted 5 months, and then called and begged to come home.

Find it in your heart to realize that this is NOT about you, or your mothering. Love your daughter and let her know you love her.

Then get some popcorn and sit back and watch the show.

Star,

You were posting when I was. TRAITOR...perfect word as to what I feel she is right now.

Supposedly that is why ExH took her in. He said she would run away again if she came back to live here.

For the life of me I just can't understand it. I thought thingss were going great. Even DD's IC told me that she and I seemed to be getting closer. What the he## happened?! It's like she snapped!

I told ExH when she went there initially, that she was welcome to come back, but there would be changes. Rules etc. (I pretty much gave her space, which now I know was a mistake). She still refused and told me she loves the rules that ExH is imposing on her. He's doing what a 'good' parent should be doing. Imposing structure in her life. It just doesn't make sense. It's like she's 2 different people sometimes.

You got that right in that she won't learn morals over there. Another reason why I don't want her living there.

Yes, I have always told her that actions=consequences. I just think that even if she hates it there in a few months, she won't come back because she'll know she was wrong and I was right.Plus she would have to change schools etc.

That's why I think ExH never came back. He didn't want to have to deal with the feelings that he meesed up. ExH and DD are very similar. They think they are always right and will never admit any wrong.

I still have not gotten an admission of him having this A, even though we are now D'd. He'll never admit he messed up. Same with DD.

Wow Believer,

Sorry I didn't know your situation.

Now THAT is devastating. His Dad was never in his life, then he chose to go live with him? I honestly think I would have cracked. I'm not as strong as you. God Bless you!

I'm glad he realized it and came back to you.

How are things with you and him now if you don't mind me asking?

I know I have to be the bigger person and adult, and show her that I do want her in my life. It is just so hard now and i guess emotionally I'm not ready. This all just happened a few weeks ago.

catgirl,

You were posting when I was. TRAITOR...perfect word as to what I feel she is right now.

I speak from experience...I felt the same way when my kids showed sympathy for their dad after his second infidelity. All they wanted to see was his "willingness to change" and they criticized me for being so hard on him. Hard on HIM????!! huh? Your betrayal surely feels even worse!! And I'm so sorry.

Supposedly that is why ExH took her in. He said she would run away again if she came back to live here.

It doesn't matter what rationalization he invents....we both know he's feeling glib right now....but I'll bet money that lil' bit is going to make him rue the day he took her in. You need to sit back and watch the fireworks....because they are on the horizon. She is going to have a stormy adolescence no matter what house she's in.....because she's already figured out how to manipulate you both. She made this bed.

For the life of me I just can't understand it. I thought thingss were going great. Even DD's IC told me that she and I seemed to be getting closer. What the he## happened?! It's like she snapped!

Or she had a hormonal melt down. Or she missed her daddy. Or she's confused and trying desperately to get in his good graces because she felt abandoned too. Whatever it is....it's not about your mothering or how much she loves you.

I told ExH when she went there initially, that she was welcome to come back, but there would be changes. Rules etc. (I pretty much gave her space, which now I know was a mistake).

No, I think you were right the first time. You can't TELL teenagers ANYTHING....they know EVERYTHING....didn't you know that??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> She has to experience the reality of her choice.

She still refused and told me she loves the rules that ExH is imposing on her. He's doing what a 'good' parent should be doing. Imposing structure in her life. It just doesn't make sense. It's like she's 2 different people sometimes.

Don't you see what she's doing. If you point out a criticism....she'll defend it. It's like when I used to tell my daughter to go to her room and she'd say "Fine, I love my room." Or "Good, I didn't want to go anywhere anyway." Don't react chere.

You got that right in that she won't learn morals over there. Another reason why I don't want her living there.

I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have always told her that actions=consequences.

"told" yeah....well she has to experience the truth...not just be told the truth. As parents we want to protect our children. The hardest thing to do is to let them fail.

I just think that even if she hates it there in a few months, she won't come back because she'll know she was wrong and I was right.Plus she would have to change schools etc.

If you criticize her and punish her for her choices...you're right....she'll DIG IN!! So don't.

That's why I think ExH never came back. He didn't want to have to deal with the feelings that he meesed up. ExH and DD are very similar. They think they are always right and will never admit any wrong.

Learn this phrase....and repeat it over and over:

"You might be right".

I still have not gotten an admission of him having this A, even though we are now D'd. He'll never admit he messed up. Same with DD.

Well, I've just devised a brilliant plan for you. It's lovingly devious (if that's possible). I want you to shower your son with attention (which he needs anyway). Do all kinds of things with him....especially the things you know your daughter liked and will probably miss horribly. Those special things that only you did with her. And tell her all about it in the same excited voice she's using to talk about her new life.

It's more important than ever that you show your strongest and most confident self right now....and that won't be easy when you've had your heart ripped out. As someone else said....don't Plan B her....Plan A her. Show your house as an attractive alternative. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Star,

I will try and do that if she comes next week when ExH has visitation.

You bet he's feeling glib. But he thinks he's the hero who rescued her from this he## hole. I'm sure she has painted a not so rosy picture of her life with me. I know she has already told OW stuff I said. That I don't like either. I feel as if ExH and OW now know everything that went on in this house for the past year. It's none of their business, but they know now thanks to DD.

I told ExH that she was manipulating us into letting her live with him. i told him flat out I did not approve. But he doesn't look at it that way. He feels she is old enough to chose her home.

I have ot be strong. I have been such a wimp, very weak.

I will carry on with life as usual. If me and DS have plans, we will go. Regardless if DD is there or not. She has to realize that life marches on and she did tell me to move on. I'm not going to punish DS and not go anywhere now becasue she doesn't live here anymore.

cat,

i feel your pain. i can't even imagine how i would feel if one of my children went to live with their father and his "ho". I can see how upsetting this is for you. BUT, i think you have gotten some good responses here.

your dd, i am sure is feeling quite in the middle right now. do you have any idea how confusing it is that you have told how and he has experienced, what the ow as caused, and yet, ow is nice to her? i am sure it is hard for her to comprehend that ow is the awful person but wait a minute, she is nice to me?

let me just say this.. yes, the affair destroys the family BUT, you need to let dd form her own opinion of ow. your daughter needs to know that you are still going to love her even if she ends up getting along ok with ow. i know how hard it is for you to hear that and see that. trust me, my kids go to see their dad and i have to hear how ow took my dd on a shopping trip alone, just the girls, or how she bought my son what I WAS going to buy him for his bday. but i can't my make stuff my kids stuff. they have enough to deal with. i am sure you dd knows affairs are wrong, etc, but she is probably in a very confused state right now.

when my parents divorced i was 15 and i moved between my mom and my dad probably about 4 times before i finally felt settled and ended up staying with my mom and just going to see my dad when i wanted. my dad lived with ow. my mom, i give her a LOT of credit. she NEVER bad mouthed ow ever. she let me form my own opinion.

being a teenager is hard. being a teenager in a family of divorce caused by infidelity is even harder. she loves her dad and wants his approval i am sure. she knows she has yours. i'll tell you what. my kids are only 10 but they give me one heck of a harder time than they give their dad, know why? because they know i am NEVER going to leave them. they know i am their constant. they don't know that about their father. my son even told me at one point he wanted to live with his dad. know why? because that child will do anything to make his father happy. BECAUSE he is so afraid of losing him again.

some of the stuff coming out of you dd mouth sounds like what she has probably had her father and maybe ow telling her. and her being there, i don't believe either, will be permanent. i think it has a lot to do with wanting to please daddy so daddy will love her and give her attention and not leave her again.

love her cat. don't plan b her. DON'T TAKE HER ACTIONS PERSONALLY. my kids like ow. i don't take it personally. they know she did wrong. but, for the most part, she is good to them, and that is all i care. i want to know that who ever is in my exes life is good to my children. you pray for a hedge of protection around them because when they are with their father we can't protect them. i just don't think we can turn our children into little hating machines. teach them what marriage is supposed to be about, etc. but children need peace and calm. and sometimes they create for themselves by getting along with the op. it makes the time they have to spend with their father bearable.

yes, i would love it if my kids would go up to ow and call her a lying manipulating ****** who hurt them terribly. not gonna happen. i will give my kids credit, they have asked her some pretty tough questions to which of course she lied about the answers, but my kids knew the truth.

my children's therapist told me, and it has worked, to let them form their own opinion of the affairs, and ow, and the divorce. they need to do that on their own. i can have my opinions but i can't force my children to feel the same way. all i can do is love them totally, always be there for them, answer their questions, and teach them what marriage is supposed to be. my children spend time with their dad because they love him. they may not love what he did, but they love him. they know who their constant is, they know who has always been there for them. keep being that for you dd. she will be back.

hugs
mlhb

Oh Cat... OUCH!

I have had problems with two of my three daughters moving in with my WXH (oldest daughter wrote him off years ago) BUT in my case the OW dumped my WXH before our divorce was final. I can't imagine how hurtful it must be to have to deal with your daughter even meeting the OW let alone living with her and liking her! I'm SO sorry.

I think you'e been given some very good advice:

Plan A your daughter.

Don't forget she's a teenager and teenagers do things like this (a kid we know moved in with his aunt & uncle and told his dad he would only come back home if his parents met his conditions...he wasn't gone long and the rules at home remained the same).

Enjoy doing things with your son and tell your daughter about it.

Sound cheerful when you talk to her instead of angry or hurt.

I remember feeling devastated the last itme my daughters left to live with WXH. I really believed that they were gone for good - that I would only see them on rare occasions and be deprived of being of any influence in their lives... But they didn't stay gone for long and did come back with a much better attitude towards me.

I doubt seriously things will stay calm between your daughter and the OW forever. The OW's nice act will start to wear thin probably just about the time your daughter gets a normal teenage moodiness. The OW will eventually start to feel exhausted or even resentful because of all the kissing up she's taken on. I'm willing to bet she's already secretly complaining to her family and friends about all she does for your 'ungrateful' daughter. And the first time your daughter and OW have a spat it's a pretty sure bet your daughter will let OW have a glimpse of how she really feels about the OW, adultery, divorce...

Hang in there. Pamper yourself and your son.

Distract yourself with fun and healthy hobbies.

You'll be in my prayers

Remember you can't teach a WS anything. So for now, keep quiet and let him FEEL the results.

Do NOT offer to help out in any way. The WS and OW must bear the brunt of having such an immature child in their care.

I know it is hard but any help or aide you render will open you up for an attack. All your good will gestures and deeds will be seen as an attack on the A which it is and s/b but obviously will NOT be appreciated by the WS OW and now even your children.

So to cause you less grief and more relief. Leave 'em be.

L.

Thanks all,

I know I have done what EVERYONE told me NEVER to do. And that was bad mouth ExH and OW to the kids.

I guess I wanted them to know why we couldn't go on vacation this year (cuz Dad used up all the $$ and I have none except to pay bills). And why their lives have changed cuz Dad left us and had an A). Etc, etc.


I know that is hurtful to them, I am really trying to work on not allowing my feelings to become theirs. It is so hard though.

Yes, I guess they will form their own opinion of OW, I guess I just want them to hate her like I do, knowing all the ruin she has caused us.

I still have a very hard time thinking that the kids will like OW. DD did tell me last week that she told OW that she did not like what she did, (the A), and that she told OW evrything she ever said about her, (not sure if that's true. She said some pretty nasty things, wh$re being one of them), but DD said that once she got to know OW, she formed her own opinion and all that I had said about her were lies.

I know I have to be there for her, but as I said to Star*fish, I feel like she is a traitor. I have to get over that, but I'm having a hard time. That's why I thought plan B would be good. The less I have contact with her, the better I will be right now. I mean I might say hello to her if she comes with ExH to pick up my DS for visits, but that's it. I'm just not ready I guess to forgive and forget as she thinks I should. I wish she would see what OW is really like, but I doubt it. DD sees what she wants to see and as long as OW is good to her etc., then she'll be in her good graces.

I am going to let it be and try and concentrate on me and DS. It is so emotionally draining for me right now. I will let her live her life, the life she claims she wants there. I guess I really have no choice, but I feel as if ExH wins. He gets to go against everything I fought so hard for...the kids not being around OW. And I'm sure they are all gloating! And as I said before, he is DD's saviour now.

I doubt DD will be back here though. This is her last year of high school and I'm sure she will finish it in ExH's city. She seems pretty pleased with the school and the new friend's she's already made.

I just thought all the court stuff was over and now we start again with custody stuff.

How can I move on when this stuff never seems to end?

One more thing. DD's IC told me that she thinks this might be a way of DD trying to make things hard for ExH and his OW. She feels that if she causes friction, then ExH and I will have to be around each other more...maybe she hopes on us getting back together.

I don't see it as that, but IC said alot of kids do this.

Who knows? I just found it so hard to believe that a few weeks ago things were great, and then she just snapped and literaly turned against me and towards the 2 people she hated so much..