A contraindication is simply a factor that renders something inadvisable.

Being a guy, I must say I think Pieta has gotten the closest.

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well, my H happens to be a guy too, JL and he was the one who told me that he felt intimidated when a woman initiated sex w/ him and he was not quite ready. I didn't make it up.

He used the word intimidated....by the time he told me that he wasn't ashamed to admit he was intimidated...... he said
he felt more shame that he had allowed the girl(s) to think it was her fault.

to this day, my H will tell you he feels intimidated if i initiate and he is not ready. he prefers to initiate in most cases.
he loves for me to show that i am interested in him and sex...but, he prefers to be the initiator.
it might just have something to do w/ power like chrisblues said......but, that does not change the fact that he felt intimated by a woman who initiated even when he was interested in having sex w/ her.

Once he was able to come forward and tell me this, our sex life changed for the better...
we can talk about difficult sexual situations and work thru them now.

i think you make some excellent points and maybe it is the wifes approach that is turning her H off........but, it is quite possible that he is not as open/honest with her for some other reason.

i don't believe it is as simple as he does not want to have sex with her. there are many complicated possibilities.

First of all - thanks to everyone for their advice/input.

I agree with Pieta that this situation is very complicated - my husband and I have a lack of communication/honesty that I think may be the underlying problem.

I don't think I've made it safe for my husband to talk with me, and he tends to be reticent anyway. I'm trying to work on this. I talked to him about this problem last week (again) and I think I just made him feel bad!

He can be very high strung. When we are in a relaxed situation, we have lots of sex. When we have been apart for some time, we have more sex. But he has said before that normal life gets to him and he feels less sexually inclined.

As far as the drinking is concerned - he knows it's a problem and that he's self-medicating so as to deal with his anxiety issues. I've told him that I don't think it's healthy. I can't make him decide to stop, but I will continue to be honest with him about it.

I think sex is a hot-button issue for him as well. It embarreses (sp?) him and so he always seems to be caught between enjoying sex and feeling bad about it.

All I can do is try to improve myself. I've thought about potential LoveBusters, I think one might be approaching him about problems in an emotional way. There is no need to get emotional or say things like "maybe you don't find me attractive". It won't help, no matter what the reason is.

Also, I have considered that maybe he just doesn't want sex with me, or sex at all. I told him that he definitely deserves someone he's attracted to, he is very complimentary and when he initiates is really into sex, so I'm hoping that's not the problem! But you never know...

If you read some of my other posts, you may find that I've had issues with insecurity, etc. I think those have been alleviated a bit in the past year. Maybe that will give me the opportunity to deal with this in a mutually beneficial way.

I couldn't help but laugh...doesn't every man know that women are more randy when they have PMS?

No, every man doesn't know that.

I thought I was supposed to stay away during PMS!

that is the message I always heard.

Sad me for getting that wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

hooloovoo
[v] As a guy, I can assure you that it really sucks to think that your wife is willing to have sex with you, she enjoys it, but it's not something she really desires. The more you doubt your wife's interest, the harder it becomes to accept her attempts. [/b]

I agree with this almost 100%

when I get an eyeroll 8 out of 10 times I want sex and then once every 5 years my W comes to me wanting sex, I feel some resentment but I have sex when she initates. I don't want to kill any of her drive to have sex. That would be counter productive.

I'm not saying it's right, but I know that my wife's subtle attempts at initiating often made me pull away. She would do something like stroke my chest or my leg or something, and to her that was initiating. To me it was more like 'that's all you've got? you must not be that interested' and I'd feel rejected. I'd also tend to assume that if she said she was tired, or she got ready for bed and put on her pajamas, that she must not be interested so that by the time she showed some interest I was already upset and feeling rejected. I think it stems from a basic difference in how each of us initiates sex, and not seeing how the other person shows interest.
Saddly BTDT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hold my W for hours, then she gives me a 2 second hug. I want more. I ask for more but don't get more.

________________

i am not sure what Aeri meant by that.......i think that most men feel the way you do.....I have to stay away!

that's what my H does... and it really bothers me. I don't want to be left alone....i just wanted to call the shots.

i can get very aggressive when i PMS......but, i also get annoyed easily and loose the mood very quickly. it's a weird time.

Think of it not as initiating but indicating interest if you are interested. I don't know how often she initiates, but if it is not often it very well may be that she does not feel physically stimulated enough to initate often. But when she does, she may be kind of putting up a flag saying "I am interested". You are expecting her to act as you do, where as she may be just saying that you have an opening to start. Women don't have the testosterone that you men do!

My husband and I have had a good week. We had a date on Wed & spent a nice evening together.

It's funny how much easier it is for me when my needs are getting met...

O_G & Hoovooloo - I have been in your place before. I've actually refused my husband because I felt like he was just offering sex because I wanted it!

I've learned to just have sex with him when it's offered - it doesn't matter why. He's also pointed out that he would try to initiate out of genuine interest & I would turn him down & jinx our sex life. So I try not to do that!

Oh - I wanted to mention one more thing though.

My husband and I are on the same page about infidelity for the most part - but he thinks temptation is not an infidelity.

What do you guys think? I know temptation is a broad term, so let me know how far you think a temptation (note: this is all in the mind, nothing concrete) can go before it affects the marriage.

My opinion right now is that temptation should be nipped in the bud, even if its all in your mind. I'm not sure what my H thinks because the conversation got loaded & we stopped talking about it.

sexual temptation, an interesting topic. . .

when I have a great relationship with my SO, be it girlfriend or wife, i do not feel tempted to look elsewhere. .

when i was being accused and the object of my X's anger, then I was tempted. . . SF is a high emotional need for me, and X constantly, verbally put me down for that. . and put down sex in general. . .

however, temptation can come from male "machismo" beliefs, and nothing more than that. . . these situations can be learned in one's upbringing. . . especially if family elders had affairs or were womanizers, and the family acknowledged it, and didn't specifically discuss its negative connotations, or teach that its not acceptable. . if womanizing was looked up to, then affairs as acceptable are implicitly taught as acceptable.

so often, how we are brought up about sex is carried over into adult hood. . . and i had to deal with that with my X. XILs didnot sleep in the same bed, xFIL slept on the couch while XMIL slept in the queen family bed with air conditioning, etc. .. controlling XMIL and XGMIL led my X to try the female in control of everything with me, and its very dysfunctional. . . my point is that there may be some very old and learned bad habits or misunderstandings that lead a spouse, male or female, to have issues with life, sex and intimacy included. .

wiftty

My opinion right now is that temptation should be nipped in the bud, even if its all in your mind. I'm not sure what my H thinks because the conversation got loaded & we stopped talking about it.
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by temptation... i guess you mean lust?
the way i look at it...we will all be tempted now and then but once you are in a committed relationship.....you just don't dwell there. You don't go looking for women to imagine having sexual encounters with and thinking it's no big deal because it's just happening in your mind.
THAT is what a committed sexual relationship is all about as far as I am concerned.
If you do, I consider it, some form of infidelity.

But,thanks to Hugh Hefner and the likes my H grew up feeling it's his right as a man to look and lust his entire life, so he thinks (or thought..i am not really sure what he thinks these days) that as long as it's just a fantasy and he isn't emotionally involved w/ the woman then it isn't infidelity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just my $0:02 here but I am tired of always being the one who initiates sex. I feel that I need to gauge her demeanor first. Is she tired. Is she stressed. Is she preoccupied with work etc. If the answer is NO, I will initiate sex and sometimes find that she is not interested for whatever reason. I feel rejected and it affects my male ego.

Now if my W initiated sex, I would be instantly receptive. Again this is just my opinion but as a man (one who has a bigger sex drive than his W) it's a huge turn-on when a W expresses desire. I love it and wish that my W would do it a lot more frequently.

With an open relationship, it would be a good topic of conversation between a couple. That way, the W would know her H desires.

AB

Now if my W initiated sex, I would be instantly receptive. Again this is just my opinion but as a man (one who has a bigger sex drive than his W) it's a huge turn-on when a W expresses desire. I love it and wish that my W would do it a lot more frequently.
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i think that's pretty common.....we hear that a lot on this forum.
we also hear from the W's whose H's won't respond to her advances.

I know that after being snubbed by my H a few times i felt embarrassed and humiliated and I stopped initiating. At that time he probably would have said the same thing that you did.

You bring up a good point about being snubbed. It turns out that when my W was pregnant, I snubbed her. I found her totally unattractive and we ceased from having sex for quite a while. In hindsight, this was MY loss. I asked her why she did not push the issue at that time and, like you, she said she stopped trying. Her sex drive was much higher than mine during that time. She brought this point up during our last therapy session and it brought back memories. I guess it means so much to me now since my W and I are having difficulties but I hope I have learned from my past mistakes. Being pregnant is a wonderful time for both spouses and I missed out on my W advances. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed her pregnancies along with her, I just had some weird vision in my brain about having sex with a pregnant woman.

Although she cannot become pregnant, I will never snub her again. Maybe it's because I am older and more mature and more in-tune to how quickly a relationship can sour when one spouse takes the other for granted.

I asked her why she did not push the issue at that time and, like you, she said she stopped trying. Her sex drive was much higher than mine during that time.
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i don't know if you can imagine the humiliation of being snubbed as a woman but it's pretty intense.

stereotypically men are supposed to be the sexually aggressive ones....we grow up confused about that.....women who initiate have a fear of being considered slutty.
and then theres... "everybody knows men always want sex....so what's wrong w/ me if he doesn't want it w/ me?

and then the added stress, hormones and insecure feelings of being pregnant......and feeling so horny...yet,unsexy...and being turned down by your own H.....it's pretty tough to get over.

women who initiate have a fear of being considered slutty.
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Perhaps but these feelings should not come into play when one is married. I would never consider my SPOUSE as being slutty. Perhaps other GF when I was growing up but not my life partner.

I kind-of know how humiliated she must have felt because I feel that humiliation when I am rejected albeit not as intense. I am not pregnant or have runaway hormones or feel fat etc.

I think we all get stuck in a rut and the comfort level of a stable relationship that is not being actively worked on can create feelings of ambivalence to our partner. No wonder there are so many posts in this forum. Unfortunately it takes visitors here to realize how fragile a marriage can be if it is taken for granted.

AB

Perhaps but these feelings should not come into play when one is married. I would never consider my SPOUSE as being slutty. Perhaps other GF when I was growing up but not my life partner.
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i agree that a spouse SHOULDN"T worry about coming off slutty.....but that stereotype never completely left MY mind .......and it was reinforced when i put myself out there and was snubbed by my H.

Uninhibited Sex makes most wifes feel very vulnerable.........similar to how difficult it is for most men to talk about their emotions and their feelings.

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