Hi,

I've posted here a few times and always received good advice, which I think has helped my marriage.One problem I'm having in the relationship is that I would like to have sex more often.

I think my husband and I average about twice a month. I don't have an enormous sex drive and would be very happy with once or twice a week.

My husband and I have talked about this many times. I think there might be a big problem with the way I approach him about it - too emotional and accusatory.

One of the problems we have is that when I try to initiate (albeit in VERY subtle ways), my husband seems to reject me. He'll say he has a stomach-ache or that he needs to go do something else. When we have sex, he kind of takes over. I get the feeling that he may not be into sexually aggressive women. When we were first dating he really liked this about me.


It's confusing for me - he has suggested that I initiate and then later kind of turned me down. Is there something he's not telling me?

I would love to have more sex, but I would love even more to have more open and honest communication with my husband. He seems to really like mystery, and prior to me has always dated women who remain mysterious to him.

I have a lot of my own interests and opinions, I think I can still remain a mystery while having honest conversations with my spouse!

This seems confusing as I write it.

Another thing that could be contributing to the problems is my hubby is out of shape and drinks quite a bit and is getting close to 40. I wish he would quite drinking but of course can't make him. I think these things contribute to his lack of interest in sex.

I am 7 years younger and exercise and eat well - I think that may be why my sex drive is a little higher.

Just FYI - he doesn't get really drunk, he just tends to stay up at night, drinking 5 or 6 beers and listening to records. His personality doesn't change when he drinks. I think it just relaxes him and he really enjoys this time. HE can be a little high strung and I think he depends on the alcohol to calm him.

He knows how bad the drinking is for him and has made small efforts to quit.

He is a good husband who gets better all the time. I do feel like I'm at an impasse with this situation. To be honest, I think that taking the pressure off of him by masturbating kind of makes the problem worse. I stop seeing him as my sexual partner - that can't possibly be good for our marriage.

Post deleted by Soolee

Well...I think there are a few ways to initiate. I mean...you can start touching him and really coming on...Or...maybe you wear some sexy bra and panty set that he just accidentally gets a peak of when you're both alone - that is, in a way, initiating as well. Do you know what I mean? Maybe he isn't so much turned off by you initiating as how you go about doing it.

He may prefer a more demure style, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying altogether. He may like the idea of being the one to touch you first. That's fine, but you can certainly put the IDEA in his head to touch you first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If he is drinking that much on a nightly basis, I would voice my concerns and not accuse. "Honey, I'm worried about how much you're drinking and it causing some health concerns. I want you around for a real long time, and I'm starting to get anxious about it."

Beer will bloat a person and make it difficult to have sex. It can also pack on the pounds and cause interruptions in sex for a bathroom break. One thing to consider is if you add up the calories of 5 or 6 beers, you're talking an additional meal there. It can be an accumulatively expensive habit as well, if he is drinking that much nightly. If he's spending $75.00 a month on beer, we're talking $900 a year. That could go towards a nice family ticket package to a sport you all enjoy, a weekend hunting excursion for him, or a mini vacation for the family. Heck - it could pay for a lot of things. And hypothetically, if the interest rate is 3% monthly on that, it could earn you another $300 yearly in interest the second year. The third year, you could earn over $400 in compounded interest. It's just something to think about - I guess I got a little distracted there.

I think it's normal for everyone to have a vice; don't get me wrong. However, when that vice threatens your health or the stability of a marriage/family, it's time to take a second look at the ramifications.

You kind of made light of it in your post, but I sense a bit of a concern there. Sometimes we need to follow our instincts and just go with that. You know your husband better than anyone, and how you open a discussion on the topic is something to consider carefully. I think one of concern is usually a safe way to go, but you do what you think will convey your concern and hopefully get the best reception.

Most men are concerned about their sexual prowess and how well they do in bed. If you feel that alcohol plays a part in your sexual satisfaction, it's time to let him know.

I have a similar problem to yours. It has, in the past, caused problems for my husband and I. I have a higher sex drive than he does, in fact, I think I always have, it's just when we were dating, he didn't live with me, so our opportunities were less often and I guess I didn't notice it as much. Plus, let's face it, when you're not married, it's harder for the guy to say "no" without really wearing out his welcome. That being said, my husband is a pretty vanilla sex type guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he'd be embarassed and appalled if I ran into the room wearing sexy lingerie and swinging whoosits and whatsits around. He's way more low key than that!

I agree that perhaps a more subtle approach is in order. You could make it seem like sex is HIS idea. You know, cuddle up together (spooning) and then wrap his arms around you. If they "accidentally" brush up against something, you might get a response (it works for me a lot better than the direct approach).

I also think that perhaps drinking might be getting in your way as well. Drinking can lead to more sexual activity, but usually it's the other way around. You get sleepy, you get numb, you "zone" out. Being overweight doesn't help, either. Maybe your guy isn't comfortable with his body and that affects him in the bedroom, too. Getting him active could help get his blood flowing and his self esteem up, too. Good luck to you.

I think some men are very intimidated when women initiate sex!

My Husband and I are equal when it comes to our sex drive. He is very touchy-feely and shows affection all the time while we're together. He'll phone me at work and say naughty things, but this is not to be miscontrued as an invitation for sex...to him, it's playful affection and nothing more. If I assume that we're going to have sex or if I initiate it, he'll actually get ANNOYED with me, as if I misconstrued his message. I don't really believe he's annoyed as much as intimidated.

The last time I iniated sex because I wanted it, he asked why I was being so aggressive. I told him it was because I felt like having sex....he actually said it was inappropriate because I only initiated sex outside of our regular routine when I had PMS! I couldn't help but laugh...doesn't every man know that women are more randy when they have PMS?

I don't hold this against my Husband. I think he sometimes feels inadequate and intimidated by me. I do nothing to perpetuate this, but I know he feels it. I'm not sure if it's a general "man" thing or if it's just him, personally...

This, probably like most other things varies substantially from one person to the next...

As a guy, I particularly enjoy when my partner initiates. My first wife was very critical of me in that my drive was too high for her, etc. And so when I was really passionate into making a subsequent marriage work, I was insecure about my own drive. I had a partner with a high drive and I really liked the fact that she wasn't afraid to ask for what she wanted (not in verbally asking).

But know that I think it was a turn off for her that she initiated more frequently than I did. She was great at making known what she wanted but resented the fact that she felt like she had to make it known. And understand that it was not for a lack of initiation on my part, it's that she seemed to have an expectation that I would always initiate.

This expectation did not appear until after we married in which it immediately became an issue. For some reason while we were dating she was perfectly okay with being the initiator say 60% of the time.

Men are only intimidated when women initiate sex if they do not want to have sex with that woman.

Plain and simple.

I must disagree with that. Some men often feel intimidated by women (especially totally hot ones with whom they DO want to have sex) initiating sex because they view themselves as inadequate and often uncertain as to how to react because its a blow to their "masculinity" when the HUNTER becomes the PREY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Where in the world did you hear that nonsense? The latest issue of Cosmo, perhaps?

Quote

Men are only intimidated when women initiate sex if they do not want to have sex with that woman.

Plain and simple.

Plain, simple and based on what?

Care to share your references on your position? You're mighty quick to ask for verification on the references of others....

_______________

well, chris......i really don't think it is that plain and simple.

ever hear of performance anxiety?
my H confessed to me a few years back that when he was young and dating the had a history of turning down sex from very attractive women because he he did not sure IF he could perform and it was easier (on his ego) to turn them away then face that possible humiliation.


for years, he did the same thing w/ me IF he was uncertain of his performance abilities. he was very embarrassed by it.
now, WHEN he was good and ready it was different story.

O.K. I'll play along.

If a man really wants sex, does it make any difference who does the initiating? If he must be the one to initiate, then the issue is less about sex than about power.

Are you willing to say that if a man really wants sex with a certain woman that he will turn it down because SHE made the first move.

That idea is laughable.

Would his performance anxiety have been any different if he had been the initiator? Are you saying that he would have been able to get hard if he would have made the first move? I seriously doubt it. He didn't want the sex because he was too concerned about his imagined embarassment. The bottom line, though, is that he didn't want the sex. What a mistake on his part. If these women were so beautiful, as he claimed, why didn't he pleasure them and leave himself out of the equation?

I'm going to post a different idea here, based on the fact that what you describe sounds a lot like what I have done to my wife in the past...

I would guess that he would absolutely love it if you initiated. However, I would also guess that he is not recognizing your attempt to initiate or that he does not feel it is done because you really want him. I'm basing this off of my perspective though, so take that for what it's worth.

Sex has always been my big need. I think it's somewhat misplaced, I try to get my intimacy there because it's not met elsewhere. Anyway, it's been a sore point for a lot of my marriage because my wife has always seemed rather passive when it comes to sex. As a guy, I can assure you that it really sucks to think that your wife is willing to have sex with you, she enjoys it, but it's not something she really desires. The more you doubt your wife's interest, the harder it becomes to accept her attempts.

I'm not saying it's right, but I know that my wife's subtle attempts at initiating often made me pull away. She would do something like stroke my chest or my leg or something, and to her that was initiating. To me it was more like 'that's all you've got? you must not be that interested' and I'd feel rejected. I'd also tend to assume that if she said she was tired, or she got ready for bed and put on her pajamas, that she must not be interested so that by the time she showed some interest I was already upset and feeling rejected. I think it stems from a basic difference in how each of us initiates sex, and not seeing how the other person shows interest.

What's the answer? I don't know. I think really understanding each others desires, and how you express those desires is a good start. And I know for both my wife and I, we both absolutely love it when the other is agressive. When my wife just jumps me and makes it clear how much she wants me, I find that incredible and love it. Likewise she enjoys it when I do the same.

I can't really say what to do in your position, knowing what little I know, but I know for me what helps is when my wife will occasionally just attack me. She'll dress up, wait for me in the bedroom, not give me a chance to undress or talk, and just attack. Now at the same time, doing this all the time will probably cause him to just lay back and enjoy the ride, so that you will start to feel unhappy with his lack of initiating. So it should be an occasional thing, and would need to be coupled with an honest discussion about your needs and desires.

Would his performance anxiety have been any different if he had been the initiator? Are you saying that he would have been able to get hard if he would have made the first move? I seriously doubt it. He didn't want the sex because he was too concerned about his imagined embarassment. The bottom line, though, is that he didn't want the sex. What a mistake on his part. If these women were so beautiful, as he claimed, why didn't he pleasure them and leave himself out of the equation?

________________

first of all.....i never said he CLAIMED they were SO beautiful (why the sarcasm about that?)......but, i knew a couple and they were very attractive girls in their early 20's.
and actually, he did pleasure some of them but when they wanted intercourse, he backed off because he was afraid he would not be able to sustain the erection.


he KNOWS if his erection is strong (or isn't) when he feels confident about it, he will initate.........or he would be good w/ the woman initiating.

but, there were times when his performance anxiety left him limp.......he would be very interested but once the woman initiated.....he felt anxious and knew he wouldn't be able to sustain the erection......so he WAS intimidated by the woman initiating......even though he WAS interested in having sex w/ her.

why is this so hard for you to accept?

It's not about intimidation. It is about safety.

I think the sex goes awry, sooner or later, in any long-term marriage when couples do not learn how to talk together in a safe, open, trusting, loving, accepting, non-judgmental and respectful manner about sex. This is a major part of our life-long commitment to care for and treasure each other.

I think it is contraindicated and disrespectful to assume anything about our mate where sex is concerned.

There are so many liquid factors that lie behind anyone's desire for more or less sex be they male or female. It is a DJ for anyone to assume that they know or even think they know what their spouse's problem is...really!!! Is it premarital sexual abuse, promiscuity, rape or sexual addictions at the root of the problem? Is it perinatal blues, erectile dysfunction, menopause or an affair? Or did your partner just eat too much pepperoni for lunch that day?

On the flip side, it is just as absurd to assume your spouse knows why you feel the way you do. We all have a responsibility to express our own feelings, preferences and concerns in a manner that does not judge our spouse.

In my opinion, no sexual pleasure (even the thrill of a new partner) can ever compare to that experienced by a couple when you feel safe with each other at all levels--especially in the bedroom!

Being a guy, I must say I think Pieta has gotten the closest.

However, having said this permit me to throw out a few ideas.

1. Have you considered morning sex? Most men, are at their peak in the morning, especially as we age. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

2. Have you considered doing what Pieta is suggesting and that is talking not about sex so much as intimacy needs and how does your H interpret your initiating sex. Someone earlier mentioned that he might not get your signal.

Here is my strange but perhaps pertinent point. Imagine how your H would respond if you suggested he visualize "his mom" when having sex with you. I doubt he could perform. The point is what does he visualize when you initiate? Is it what YOU want him to visualize. There is a myth about men, especially mature men that ANYTHING will turn us on.

The assumption has been he might have performance anxiety, but the reality "might" be that your approach is not satisfactory to him. I am not trying to blame you here. I am trying to convince you that has Pieta says, these things can be very complicated. One issue is why is drinking so much beer now. Is something else wrong in his world? Have you asked? Why does he need to medicate himself with alcohol now when he did not earlier?

There is little way we can offer you "good" advice because our level of ignorance is much higher than yours. But, my guess is that the issue is NOT initiation at all. It is that until the urges just overwhelm him, he is not interested in sex. It could be hormonal, it could be job related, it could be performance related, it could be...

What needs to happen is that you two really talk, but not about sex, but about his life, is he happy, in the best of all worlds what would he be doing and what would he enjoy.

I know this sounds strange to you given the stereotype of men, but our emotions control our sex drive just as much as they do women. Women often withdraw from sex if other parts of their lives are not going well. Why couldn't this be a possible issue with your H?

In short, I am not sure intimidation is the issue. I am not sure you initiating is the issue. I suspect the issue is the same one that has led to his drinking so much. I might be wrong, but that is the first rock I would roll over if I were you.

Hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

What does contraindicated mean?

Yes, I too have always found many "liquid" factors that lie behind anyone's desire for more or less sex.

Well put, Just Learning. You make several excellent points.