Okay, so here's a letter I recieved from WH today:


So I notice your still acting like everything is ok and its really starting to get to me now, do you just not see whats going on at all I don’t get why you would want to stay here at all, things are never going to go back to the way they were, and its not going to get any better around here, yet you keep on living this diluted lifestyle, theres no way you can be happy like this I know im not, we screwed up and did everything too soon, cant blame anyone for that. But its obvious this isn’t gonna last long so you need to get serious and just face it, we’re 2 different people and we don’t belong together no big deal it happens, you should want someone who can be better to you than I can than likes all that church stuff and your music and has the same background as you. Its cleary not me, let me know when your ready to get serious

wow.... pretty hurtful but pretty sad though too.

So here's the deal. He thinks I'm in denial or whatever b/c I'm doing Plan A. I keep telling him over and over again that I am here because I love him. I am here because I believe in him. I am here because this is where I want to be. (not that's it's easy) He thinks we screwed up I guess b/c we only dated or even knew each other 10 months before we got married, but we both knew right from the start that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together... yes he's rewritten our history. but I know I know I know that this is all just a big lie. It's his way of justifying his A. but it hurts so bad. He makes it out like I was a mistake!!! I'm not the mistake, SHE's the mistake!!! I know he feels guilty for what he's done... atleast he's no longer in denial so that's got to be a step fwd not to mention he obviously feels remorse by saying things like are you crazy, why are you still here, you should hate me.... you deserve better. That's got to be a step fwd too. Also, notice he doesn't blame me for what happened like many WS's do. He doens't blame anyone though. I don't know what to do with that. Oh, and he says that relationships don't take work so I wouldn't even know where to begin with recovery anyway! But I guess you can't really recover until he comes out of the fog and I'm quite sure that his little belief there is from his mind being so foggy. (sigh) Anyways, I don't understand the church thing. Yes I am a Christian but so is his family (he thinks God hates him) but I have never, not one time have I ever pushed God on him in any way. and I don't really consider myself a total religous person. I pray everyday and have my quiet time everyday, but I don't usually go to church and I don't pray etc in front of him or make a big deal out of things. I know that it would only cause problems if I did that and I'd rather just keep silent and pray about it (Power of a Praying Wife -Stormie O'Martian) and the music??? uhmmmm We listen to the same music. I don't get that one at all. and the same background... I don't really know about that at all.

I don't know. I guess I just need a little bit of encouragemnet tonight
thanks

well i don't have any answers for you but being a weekend i certainly don't want to see you get no response, so here goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

it sounds like your Plan A is working!!! just keep believing. keep telling him you are there because you want to be with him forever. for better or worse, just like the vows said.

i'm so glad he is not blaming you. don't take to heart any of it right now. just keep being strong for him if you can.

and pray!!! i also have power of a praying wife, i need to pull it out again. thanks for the reminder.

i hope this gives you that bit of encouragement you were looking for.

Typical BS BS. He's rewriting history but at least trying to do it in a way that's a little less of the blame the betrayed way (for now anyway). It's all babble honey - don't waste a nanosecond trying to make any sense out of it.

WS's typically make pronouncements that no matter what it's over. They try to get the betrayed spouse to end the marriage in an attempt to somehow relieve themselves of some guilt. Be prepared, when their claims that it's too late, that there's no way to 'work on' relationship, fail to cause you to give up they usually try becoming so mean that you dump them out of anger. Brace yourself...

Just stay in Plan A. FREQUENTLY review your Plan A do's and don't's. Stick to your plan no matter what your ALIENated spouse says or does.

Oh, and don't change anything about yourself that doesn't really need to be changed. Going to church isn't LBing and he knew this about you and didn't object before he married you, right? And anyway, in his present state of mind no matter how you might be tempted to appease him he isn't going to appreciate it. Only make the necessary, healthy, positive changes of Plan A.

Have you exposed the affair?

You're doing really really well with Plan A cincv, seems like its having a positive (positive for you) effect on him...in the long run.

Im trying to do Plan A but my WH still wants to push some blame on me, rewrites history, and walks around (when he's not missing OW) like nothing is wrong....frustrating.

GOOD JOB...dont get discourage...see that your Plan is working.

Don't respond to this...

if pushed verbally cling on to some few sentences he used and babble back...

say I read your letter ...you think I'm not serious enough...dear let me tell you...I am very serious...but I do appreciate your concern...
batt eyes...flip hair...smile...walk away...

babble back...

here's my questions...

do you think she is going to divorce her husband

have you gone to a lawyer to get to find out what your legal rights are about NOT allowing the exposure of your child to HER...no strangers...no others involved etc...

Have you each time he uses the OW husband is abusive..have you asked for proof....

if so write it down, secretly record, get details as what he says is abusive...

ask if their are charges filed against him or police reports...

don't verbalize any concern about it...be sneaky ..

take that information to your lawyer...and use it to get restraining orders from him and her husband for you and your child...

use the weapons your husband is giving to justify the affair to your advantage...

Also ...
consider throwing some 180's HIS way...
have him come home from work...and YOU go out...looking and smelling great..not over the top...but just happy and excited to be going somewhere...

have him watch the child...and don't reveal too much about where you are going....
like...
Oh I just need some time away..humming the whole time...
and take off for a few hours....I can be reached by cell if you need me...

come home even happier...
singing ..humming under your breath....

get his attention....
without real acts of anything..
I don't care if you have to go the bookstore and drink decaf for hours...

drop memory bombs in his lap...
member when you and I traveled to here....


cook something he likes....
leave it for him to eat...
but go out AGAIN,,,,with little to no details...

get his attention in subtle ways off if his persistant rationalization and on to YOU..

the woman and person...

buy some new undies...and leave them out when he gets home...so that he sees you bought them...
but dont' wear them....put them in the drawer....

I know that this smacks of game playing...
but you have to turn things up a notch and take attention away from him....and his poor excuses...and on to you...

when if he calls ..
say Oh it's you..I was expecting someone else..I can't talk long..I'm in the middle of something...and HANG UP...

but then be really nice when you call him back..

get his attention

ARK

Ark, Where were you when I needed you? oh yeah, no computer then, darn. that is an awesome list, I may just do that list for the heck of it and pass onto my friends.
I would agree that this spouse is speaking the infidelity babble.
H is trying to justify what H is doing, although H sounds fairly guilty feeling, no?
Keep up plan A like suggested and add this bit from Ark,thats awesome stuff.

okay I keep trying to post but this thing keeps giving me problems saying invalid or something like that

thanks for all the help and support.

I have been sitting here reading Orchids advice on babbling... great thread!!

So I replied to his e-mail saying (as I have many times already) that I am here b/c I love him, believe in him, I want to be here... keeping short and simple. Today's reply (very common with most replies): Well stop loving me its not going anywhere, stop believing in me cause im not good for you, and you shouldn’t want to be here, its not good for either of us, you need to wake up and see the truth. I also tried talking to him, just casual talk ya know and was met with an angry bear. I am really making him mad by my behavior (plan a). I also read his previous e-mail (top) to MIL and she caught that he said "the way things use to be" meaning that he obviously DID feel happy or that things were great.... He has previously stated that he was never happy with me, that our marriage is a sham etc.... rewrote our history, ya know. He does seem to change his story a lot though. Wish he could see that..... and I'm the one who needs to wake up and see the truth. HA! This is so frustrating. I'm getting tired of him giving me the silent treatment too. I feel like I am back in high school. I'm so sick of this childish behavior!!

-going to bed now. It's nearly midnight for me here.

thanks again

oh, I'll answer your q's tomarrow... I've answered them twice already and I'm just to dang tired to do it again! lol This time I am going to copy this before I try to post... maybe that way I won't have to retype.

So it was another day of being given the silent treatment. I just kept smiling and talking to him anyway.

Okay to answer some q's.

I stopped going to church years ago. I know it's not much of an excuse but I find it hard to find a good home church when I move from place to place all the time and nothing compares to my 'home' church. So, I'm not not going to church b/c of him at all.

Onto exposure.... it has been exposed to family and some friends, and I tried to expose to OW's H but I'm not sure if he believed me or not... I have noticed though that they have not been talking quite so much since I did expose and unless she's on another one of her trips I have no idea why they're not talking as much and when they do it's usually only e-mail. weird.... I wish I knew what was going on with that.

I thought babbling was for Plan B... but I really didn't understand that though either... with the point and purpose of Plan B anyway. I would like to know what to say to him about how he thinks that relationships shouldn't take work and if they do, then you don't belong together..... argh!! I really need to learn to babble before I attempt it.

I don't think she would divorce her H and I don't believe for a minute that H is abusive either!

I have actually been doing some of the 180's as part of my plan A but not at the extent you recommended. I think I might take it up a notch.

So, you guys think Plan A is actually working??? That gives me a bit of hope. Why does my behavior make him so mad?

The most important thing is not to expect ANYTHING from him during Plan A. We all tend to make changes and expect the wayward to notice and reciprocate. That is a mistake. I'm sure he is noticing, but don't expect actions right now.

I have asked this before regarding your WH, military chain of command. As I recall, you indicated that you told a woman who told her husband who is in the unit.

That's not an effective way to expose here. You have a very powerful tool just waiting to be used. You are doing a good plan A, but not carrying the exposure to where it will help end the affair.

Why not?

Who

I know you're going to completely disagree with me on this but the reason I have not re-exposed the affair to his coc is b/c for one it's my life too but I think mostly b/c I know that the military is what is keeping this from being a pa. I'm not sure that they would take an ea seriously after talking to a chaplain about it.

I am feeling really hopeless tonight. I had a really bad day with WH yesterday and although he gave me an inch of hope this am, he quickly took it away by me catching him talking to OW again. (sigh).

My questions for the day: I have read that many WS whose BS are in Plan A are most often in a cake/eat stage where my WH no longer wants that, he wants out of the m but at the same time he feels guilty and wants me to be with someone who will treat me better than he can.... so is this the goal of plan a... sort of?? I mean him feeling guilty. Is that why Plan A seems to be working? -and that he notices my behavior change.

It's 2am for me and I can't sleep although after praying my heart out I am feeling better and I might just be able to get some sleep. I am praying for all of you guys out there going through the same thing.

Well, I got a little bit of sleep last night.

I think the reason I feel so hopeless these days even though he does feel guilty which after all is a good thing. (read thread what if he backs out of guilt) But you see during the cake/eat stage I was still getting my EN's met and since this guilt stage has taken over he is so withdrawn. He barely acknowleges my presence. It's hard to have hope when you are being treated that way, not to mention he of course is still contacting her.

I have to go get the baby. Be back later.

How long have you been married? You say they started working together just before your married. Do you really believe it is just an EA?

I got a real nice e-mail from WH earlier today... I was going to post it but he must have gotten into my e-mail and deleted it b/c it's gone now. I'm not sure what that's suppose to mean but I think he knows he completely and totally pissed me off!!!!!!!!! MAJORLY He wants DD for a year, wants me to leave. I didn't even finish reading the e-mail after I read that. I grabbed DD from him and said you are not going to take her and I turned around and left!!!!!! He also says he doesn't regret the affair that he's glad he did it.... oh, it was downright mean!!!! He said that I've had her for a year and now he wants her...... he's had her a year too, it's his own fault that he's missed out on whatever! Told me I was 27 and that I needed some time to live for myself or something like that.... he's right I am 27 not a child I know who I am, what I want etc... I don't need time to find myself or whatever he's trying to tell me!! I don't care what I have to do he is NOT going to take DD from me!!!!!!!! So, is this still all babble??? I'm still puzzled... why did he delete it? is he taking back what he said?? Is he trying to cover up his A, thinking I went to his COC when I left, but then why wouldn't he have deleted the other e-mails I've kept where he's admitted to the A???? unless he didn't see them. Is it time for Plan B??? I don't know what to do!!!!!

after reading e-mails going through personal stuff, I am almost certain there's never been any phys. but I'm sure I could be wrong. we've only been married a year... I know SAD!!! huh I think what caused the A was b/c we got married and had a baby so quickly and all of a sudden he was faced with a lot of responsibilies, growing up, facing reality.

I'm almost certain he was just trying to cover up what he said so I have no proof of his A. I was reading the other e-mails and most of them only say 'if' Oh, I also forgot to mention we live overseas.... thought you might need to know that to understand things a little better esp in regard to custody. I also forgot to mention how he said that he doesn't even want to come home any more and he only does it for DD... which I don't understand that. Up until here recently he often pays little or no attention to her!! He's even called her a b^tch for crying- on more than one occasion!!!

You really do need to expose this to his chain of command. It doesn't matter whether or not the relationship between them is 'physical'...it's still over the bounds for what should be going on.

Are either of them subordinate to the other? Does she work for him or vice versa? If so, then that makes the relationship even more 'out of bounds'.

I don't recall what branch you said you're in. But you need to take this to his chain of command, and give them the chance to do something. If that doesn't work, then take it both through the chaplain, and through the IG office.

Make it clear that they're involved in far more than a 'friendship' or 'work relationship'. If you've got email evidence or anything else, have that ready to share with his commander.

Don't put this off any further. Its the only way that you can put pressure on him to end his affair.

Have you exposed this to his family, friends, your family and friends? Asked them to talk with him and get him to see what he's doing?

CVH:

Be very careful about what you say to his chain of command. I have lived overseas, and am also in the military, and what you say could result in actions that result in pay being taken away, future promotions, etc. Now if you are talking physical abuse, go ahead and tell them.

I recommend you talk to the base chaplain. Also recommend you purchase a key logger, and forward any relevant emails that need to be saved to an account that is not tied to an ISP, i.e. yahoo, google, or msn.

Scott-

Even if he loses pay, chance for promotion, etc...

That's all consequences of HIS AFFAIR...not her exposure.

And that all puts pressure on him to end it. If she's military, then they'll have to help her make it even if its the result of UCMJ action. Community food closet, ACS...all those remain available to her if she needs them to take care of her family.

Those reasons you suggest that she be careful are the very reasons why she SHOULD expose. Its the risk of that happening that should cause him to end the affair. The chaplain is a good start...but the chaplain likely won't put pressure on her H to end his affair...which his chain of command WILL do.