Best thing to do is to start your own thread and let this one die. The original poster is the one who can eliminate or change the thread.

TY

Changed the subject line per your request.

Hang in there - you are getting some spot on advice.

Well, I did it, and it worked!

OM's GF was as the same time stunned and crushed but not surprised. She was able to verify that OM had been exposed to herpes in Feb and has asked her several times since then to get retested but never explained why. The latest time he brought up herpes to her was the day after I confronted my wife about it.

She was able to verify certain times that I have kept track of where my wife was unavailable and so was he, basically, she filled in the last piece of the puzzle that I need.

I am going to take my daughter to my parents tomorrow and confront her again, give her one last chance to come clean and tell me the truth. I would appreciate any advice from all of you as to how to best go about this.

If she won't come clean, I am planning on asking her to leave until she makes a decision.

Ty:

This is where you need to be absolutely perfect! I made mistakes of just explaining why marriage was right for us instead of insisting on boundaries and parameters when I had this talk with my WS the first two times!

I'm sure others will chime in, but let her know you love her and want a good, relationship, but that you are not willing to be a participant in a sham. Let her know what is required if she chooses to be with you--if you can still accept her.

She will be mad and say horrendous things. She may claim she hates you and even actually leave. IF she stays or comes back, make sure she knows the conditions: No Contact, no contact letter, moving jobs if necessary, openness and honesty, and a real effort to heal and move forward.

Best of luck to you... oh, yeah, and don't forget to pray.

TY, others can pipe in here, but I suspect this will not wait until tomorrow. She will likely confront YOU and attack you tonight.

When she does, focus on this:

1. do not allow her to bait you into a fight, tell her the OM GF has a right to know about the affair and you don't have to justify calling her. She will make all manner of idle threats to throw you off, don't let her upset you! [you have just taken the crack pipe from the crack addict so expect her to lash out]

2. tell her you KNOW about the affair [STOP ASKING!!] and that her lack of honesty is making it WORSE. YOU DO NOT NEED HER ADMISSION TO KNOW THE TRUTH!

3. tell her you love her, but your marriage will not survive unless she is honest. It can survive an affair, it cannot her DISHONESTY

4. Tell her that your marriage cannot recover unless she leaves her job and ends all contact with the OM

In other words, don't ask her IF she had an affair. Tell her YOU KNOW she did and the time for secrets is over.

The goal now will be to ask her to quit her job and send her affair partner a letter of no contact. If she does not do this, then you should prepare yourself to expose this affair elsewhere, ie: her parents, the workplace, etc. But don't tell her this is the next step.

p.s. other things to remember, if she gets mad and tries to throw you out, DO NOT LEAVE. If she gets mad and wants to leave, don't allow her to take your child. Your child should not be hauled around because of her affair.

Hi Ty,

It took alot of courage to do what you did....and I'm glad you got verification so that you feel confident you are doing the right thing. I know the information was difficult to hear, but knowledge is power and now you are armed with the truth.

Don't give her a chance to tell anymore stories. Don't "ask" but "tell" (I really agree with Melody on this). Tell her you KNOW the truth and that her honesty is the first step towards rebuilding your marriage. When she starts to lie and disseminate (and she will)....just hold up your hand <stop> and re-affirm that this is not a question....it's a statement: I know you had a physical affair with XXX. Don't bother to deny it. Don't lie to me anymore. Don't tell me I'm crazy, jealous or paranoid. I'm a reasonable, intelligent man, and I know the truth. I've spoken to XXX's girlfriend and there is no doubt that my instincts were right. You've been really good at hiding it, but the jig is up. All I need to know now....is whether you can treat me with respect and honesty, that you believe I love you enough to forgive you...and that you want to rebuild our marriage and end all contact with your affair partner. But I will not listen to more lies and I will not doubt my own good sense again. I am giving you a chance to save this marriage, but only honesty will do that.

I would not ask her to leave, because rebuilding marriages is best done together....but I would refuse to listen to more lies and walk away from her if she continues to feed you this <almost> rape story that she's concocted. The guest room is a much safer and convenient place to conduct a good Plan A.

Be calm. Be rational. Be in control of your emotions. Don't beg, plead or cry if you can prevent it. Don't rage or rant. Show her that is safe to be honest with you....but that you will not tolerate more lies.

(((((((((((((((((((TKY)))))))))))))))

Let us know how it goes.

OK...OMGF said that OM was "exposed to herpes in Feb"...did she explain how he was exposed?

Was he exposed to herpes and then pass it on to your wife...OR...did he tell his GF he 'was exposed to..." as a possible repercussion to having slept with your wife?

Good job exposing to OMGF. Make sure you clearly understand what she's heard from OM...and cross refrence that with what you're getting from your WW.

OM and OM's GF were exposed by a 3-some partner. OM's GF and OM got tested. OM's GF was clean but OM would not tell her his results at first, then said he was clean. Since then he has asked her to get retested twice and made her send him the results but would not send his results or explain why she needed to be retested. Last time this happened was the day after I confronted my wife about me having herpes.

She has been very good about this whole thing. She really appreciates me calling and telling her even though I dropped a complete bomb on her world. I asked her, really expecting nothing, to keep a lid on this until tomorrow night. I figured she would not be able to but she called me back (twice now) and told me that immediately after I told her he called, and that she kept her cool and didn't tell him what she knew. She's said that she will wait until tomorrow night. I have a feeling I'm not done talking to her.

I appreciate the advice about confronting her. I will not listen to any more lies. I am going to tell her that I know and I am not going to tell her that I've even talked to the OM's GF. She can let that slap her in the face the next day when she talks to the OM (which I'm sure she will).

I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm not going to be lied to anymore, and I will try to maintain my composure (I'm not an angry person, I have raised my voice through this whole 9 mos. maybe twice). I will tell her that I love her and that I want this to work but that it is going to have to happen the MB way.

I think it would be a huge mistake to not tell her the affair has been exposed to the OM GF. I would tell her and use this as leverage. Not only has she now been exposed to the OM's GF, but you now know all about the OM's herpes and that he got it from a sexual 3-some. This is good information for you to share about the OM. Plus, your wife needs her WORLD ROCKED. And this is information that can do that.

If she knows that the OM was in a 3-some, it will cause conflict in the affair and diminish his worth to her. You can also point out how devastating his swinger lifestyle has been to you personally. [don't call him a scumbag or anything, just state all this matter of factly - you can call him a scumbag HERE!]

I like the rest of your plan, but I want to be assured that you fully understand the absolute importance of asking her to leave her job and send the OM a no contact letter. She needs to know UP FRONT from day 1, that this marriage is not going foward unless all contact ends. This cannot be a negotiable factor.

Another reason I want you to tell her you have spoken to the OM GF is because this news will catch her off guard and shock her out of her defenses. Once she learns she has been busted and is out in the open, it won't be as easy to keep her compusure. SHOCK AND AWE!

I also will be very surprised if the OMGF is able to keep this secret until you speak to your W. I would have a plan B up your sleeve in case that happens.

I am listening. I will do as you all say. Any other tips are greatly appreciated.

I just have to hope that the OM's GF can hold tight through tom. morning. I think she will. All I gotta do is get my daughter safely into my parent's hands and then it can come as it will.

If it comes out before then then I will make arrangements to meet my mother myself, but I would prefer everything seem normal through tomorrow. Hopefully I "man up" and be cool through the evening. I'm going to go over to a friends house as soon as she gets home to make sure I don't blow it.

You did great.

Did you tell your parents about the affair?

Yes. I don't have a close relationship with my parents, but they have always been there when I need them.

I told them back in April/May what I was suspecting, and I told them tonight what I knew (everything). There are there for me in thier own way, even though they can't offer the emotional support that I need.

You all are great.

Please, anyone, if you have any suggestions to help me deal with what I'm going to go through tomorrow night, let me hear it!

The OM's GF is gonna hold on for me!

I talked to her again tonight. She is hurting so bad, but she is gonna make it.

I have been sharing MB philosophy with her and helping her the best I can. Don't be surprised to see her here soon.

TY

You are doing wonderfully. Its awful, what you are going through but you can do it.

I agree with Melody. When you confront your W, tell her that OM GF knows. Who knows what OM has said about the GF. If I remember correctly, your W seems to think it is an on again, off again thing? Doesnt sound like that to me. Perhaps your W will be surprised to learn that as well. OM will lose some appeal to her pretty quickly, Im sure.

The main thing is to set the bar high. Let your W know you want to recover the M but to do so, she needs to end the A, write a NC letter and maintain NC. It will mean finding a new job.

I remember my own experience during this time. It was SO HARD meeting my H's EN's every day with absolutely no return. He was AWFUL to me. 1 1/2 yrs later, he thanks me almost every day for saving his life and dragging him out of his own self imposed h3ll.

You CAN get through this. Your M can recover. If you follow the advice of the people here, it WILL work. Even if the advice you are getting seems counter intuitive, follow it anyway. It really does work.

Hang in there. Im rooting for you

We cannot stress enough the importance of keeping cool during your confrontation. Rehearse your words. Write them down. You won't be able to sleep well till it happens.

I really wish I had waited a day before doing what I did. I really wish I had printed out the evidence I had in order to confront her with it.

It will be very tough to keep your cool. This goes beyond anger. You will have a hard time keeping yourself from crying. But if you mentally prep, you'll be in the zone at the moment of truth.

Expect her to go nuts. She will threaten and say she'll leave and will put all the blame on you. Don't let her. Keep to the words given to you here. You are very much in the right and she's not. For God's sake, she gave you VD!

I do believe that sharing your info about the GF knowing is important as is the explanation about the threesome. It would be surprising if she knew about that.

Finally, protect your daughter in this process. You're the man, the father, and her protector. Your WW is nuts right now and selfish and not thinking of the havoc she's bringing on this little girl's world. You need to be the one thinking clearly.

We know you're hurting. Most of us have been in your shoes. You're hearing the advice based on either what we did successfully, or based on the lessons learned from the mistakes we made on our own D-days.

Best of luck to you.

Ty,

I was very hard on you at the beginning of this thread, and then I backed off when I realized you would have to process this information in your own way and time. You simply had to learn a lesson from the "school of hard knocks", which I've had to do plenty of myself in the past couple of months, so I recognized the symptoms.

Anyway, YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB in the past couple of days, and I can feel your confidence building in your plan. BE STRONG and hang in there, you're on the right track and these fine folks will be here to help all they can, just as they have for me.

I'll be thinking about your situation tonight, and wish you a heart felt ... GOOD LUCK ... from a fellow BS that's still hurting, but improving, and hope that you can say the same very soon.

I was on a little stake out today, just hoping to get some photos of them together at "lunch" at his apartment. I know from the OM's GF that he is going to visit her (the GF) next week (he has to, its a work trip) and I figured it possible that my W and the OM would be saying "goodbye" over lunch. It didn't pan out. My W knows that the OM has a GF and knows that it is a serious relationship. She knows the woman, they aren't "friends" but they have hung out at work functions etc.

I know my wife knows something is up, she turned into "nice wifey" in the course of 1 day, asking me when I got home last night to come to bed with her and wanting to cuddle and whatnot, I told her I had a few things to take care of and that I'd be there in a bit (which is something the groveling abused Tyk of the past 8 months would never have done). I went to bed and just laid by myself with my back to her and fell asleep (another thing I don't do, I like to sleep close with my partner). This morning we wake up to morning sex (my favorite thing but something she doesn't care for) and we've talked while she's at work and she's in full on nice mode.

The OM is freaking out on the GF though. He's panicking, calling her, picking nonsensical fights and accusing her of cheating on him and basically making no sense other than the fact that we both know the truth. She's having a good time messing with him and has him all turned around! He talks to her like she's a dog, I can't understand what my wife could see in him from what I heard. She seems like a great gal, we've been talking and laughing on the phone for the last two days getting our plan together.

I really think this goes one of two ways: she either tries to lie and when she comes to see that the gig is up breaks down and confesses in a pile of tears, or she gets mad, flips out and leaves.

If she leaves, the OM's GF and I will both be making a call Monday to the Human Resources Dept. at thier work. (A call I will make even if my wife agrees to quit her job) Then, once she confesses, I have a lawsuit ready to serve on the OM for knowingly spreading herpes.

I'll be cool and calm with her. I have cried enough through this. I am so relieved to have clarity and to know that I'm not going crazy. I slept good last night for the first time in a long time, and I'm thinking of taking a nap while I wait for her to get home!

D-Day in 5 hours and counting!

Oh: no hard feelings at all MyRevelation, I needed a kick in the [censored]. Thank you for the brutal honesty. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but its not your fault I was wrong.