Guidedcertaintiy...

set the boundary

Husband..
Do not bother to ask me to engage in sexual acts while I am in the custodial care of other people's children who are paying me to watch them period.

I will not EVER be willing to do that due the fact I am working.

This is not an issue of rejection or not wanting you it is that FACT that I am working

I will not discuss, engage or powerstruggle this issue..the answer is now and always will be NO.... PEROID

You should be in alanon...

does he have a sponsor did he or you call the sponsor and inform them of his recent desire to go get high...
that's what sponsors are for..to talk one off the ledge and offer alternitive...

ps be very wary of controlled pain meds at this stage of the game..
push for heat/ice/non-narc modalities..

ARK

Ark,

I made the sexual point very clear during our discussion. I told him that there were some very important perameters to our sexual reltionship.

He is in addiction counceling..I am not really sure what it is. I know it isn't alanon. I will have to look up the paperwork.

I will ask his doctor what else we can do for his pain. Due to his years of drug abuse (pills included), most pain medication does nothing for him. I will discuss it with her.

Thank you for the pointers. I would not have thought to regulate pain medication. The down side of not being a drug addict I guess.

ala-non is for YOU and the children..

you and they DEFINITLY need to check them out....

ark

oh. ok. i didn't know what it was. I will look into it. Thanks.

I am so furious. Yesterday xOW calls the house wanting to talk to my H. I told her that he wasn't here. So naturally she calls his moms (cause where else would he be?) and gets ahold of him there. She asked him if he left her a message and he said no and hung up on her. He called me right after and told me about the phine call. A little while later she shows up at his moms house! He said he picked up the OC and carried her back out to xOW's car. He said the whole time that she was begging him not to take her baby away. (We go to court for custody in a few weeks.)

My H told her that she wasn't welcome there and that if she wanted to come over she had better make sure that he wasn't there first. He again told her that he was not going to see her without me being there. He said that she gave him the "whatever I don't believe you" look. She then told him that I had better not be a b1tch tomorrow at the visitation cause she would not put up with it. ummmmm..me not be a b1tch? Who slept with who's H? He told her that if anything got started it would be because of her and not me. He told her all she needed to do was sit there and shut up.

He then came home and told me about it. I am furious of course, that she tried to see him like that. I am happy about the way he handled it. I was mad at first that he didn't just leave as soon as she got there, but he said that he would not allow her to run him out of his parents home. If one of them was leaving, it would be her. Which makes sense I guess.

Was this handled properly? I could use some suggestions on how to deal with this if it happens again in the future. She has been told repeatedly that she is not allowed to have contact with his family. Obviously she thought he was joking. How can we drive this point home that she simply isn't going to be tolerated outside of picking up and dropping off OC?

I am hurt by something I found in my H's brief case this morning and I am not sure how to handle it. I found 3 poems from his xGF Morgan who is now married to his BF Dustin. When my H got out of jail he moved in with them for awhile till he moved in with his cousin. He left because Morgan kept trying to get back together with him. He told me that nothing happened between them and he is very hurt that Dustin would think him capable of that. Umm maybe because he cheated on his wife? Anyway, these poems are all about how she loves him and everything. Well, I didn't think much of it till I read the third one.

That one was talking about how safe she felt in his arms and how she loved when he made love to her. This all happened before we got together again and while we were divorced. But I am still hurt that he could have possbily lied to me. Now, knowing Morgan she could have simply been talking about when they dated before (in high school). I know he was sexually active with her then. But my confusion is if nothing happened then why did he keep the poems?

Do I think he could have slept with her behind Dustins back? Absolutely. What I don't know is if I should confront him about them since he was with OW at the time and therefore would have been cheating on her and not me. OR do I address the fact that he told me nothing happened.

Of course nothing could have happened. But then why keep the poems? I need some guidence on this one. I will keep the poems to myself till I see what you guys think I should do.

Second thing....I was going thru my husbands email (as I do regularly to see what is in there) and I found the name Alice Seavor in his contacts. A few weeks ago I could not get into my H email, but he said that he had not changed the password, so together we set down and put in a new one together. I know that this name was not in there before that as I check it regularly. I checked to see when it was added and it said 8/14/07. I had not checked his contacts in awhile and only did so yesterday because I needed my SIL's email address. He said he didn't know who it was, but only he can add names to his contact list.

I sent this person a general email that said How's it goin? to see if they respond and how they respond. He often saves contacts for guitars and private sellers for music equipment and various things. I am confused because it would not be like him to leave something so obvious there for me to find when he knows I check it often. I am betting it is harmless only because of his ability to very successfully hide things from me. My H can be very secretive and manipulative when he wants to be. And very simply if he doesn't want me to find something, I won't be able to. It is very unlikely that he would make such a mistake. We will see when they answer.

ok he's up now..what do i do?

Ya know when your head tells you that you should be used to things by now, but your heart still hurts? I hate that. This time it is not my H. After the horrible visitation with OC, it was very apparent that his family's loyalty did not go in our favor. They did everything they could to spill their guts to the xOW while she was there. I am so fed up with my IL's.

My youngest SIL especially. She is 14 and old enough to know when to keep her mouth shut. I am so sick of them passing on every bit of info they can to the OW. We don't tell them anything so heaven only knows what they are telling her. When I went over to my IL's about an hour ago to take my H a sandwich, my SIL tried to suck up to me. I just turned away from her and she immediatly starts yelling at me. Telling me that it didn't matter cause none of it was my business. Ummmm, none of my business? Ok, so my family is none of my business. Whatever. My H slapped her in the mouth and sent her to her room. He told her never to talk to me that way again. Then from the back of the house my MIL yells shut up. Great parenting strategy.

After almost 13 years of them hating my guts, you think I would be used to it by now. But it still hurts. They have done everything in their power to come between me and my H. In our first marriage it worked. It won't in this one. The difference is that my H is finally standing up to them where I am concerned. I just don't understand how people can be like that. My family is so different.

They would never have supported a A. I would have been turned out of the family until I got myself right again. I come from a very deeply religious and tight knit family. No one is ever intentionally unkind. We have our spats but they are always respectful. There is no name calling or belittling. We are extrememly supportive of eachother but we also hold eachother accountable for our actions. Anyone in my family would go out of their way to help anyone they could. I have always been so loved and supported by my family. I could never imagine one of them trying to hurt me intentionally, let alone try to wreck my life.

In many ways I feel so sorry for my H. To never have known unconditional love from his family. To know that no matter what they are there. My heart aches for him. My family in no way supported a divorce until he commited adultery. Even then it was questioned. When I told my father (who is very strict) that we were back together, I was very afraid of his reaction. But all he told my H was welcome back to the family. I have always told my H that it wasn't him that they hated, it was what he did to me that they hated.

I have tried to guard my heart against these people. I have tried to let their comments and backstabbing just roll off my shoulders. I hate to admit that a part of me desperatly wants their acceptance. I envy my friends who have wonderful relationships with their IL's. I have done nothing besides marry my H to invoke their hostility. I am always kind and warm when I am around them. I try to tell them what is going on with their granchildren, but they barely take their eyes off the TV. Then I sit there and look at all the pictures of the OC and xOW they have on the TV stand and it hurts.

Why do I keep subjecting myself to this punishment. I pray about it and try to show them christian love at all times, but it is so hard. I feel like my time is wasted in this town. With the exception of his brother, whom I love dearly, no one has anything to do with my kids. I feel so horrible living an hour from my family who love my kids dearly. My parents dote on my kids. I feel like I am robbing them of the love I grew up with. I don't want them to think that this is how a family is supposed to be.

I have tried to get my H to move to my home town, but all he says is that he will gladly move away from here. He doesn't want to move close to my family either. I don't know what to do. I know that I need to accept the fact that his family will always be this way and no amount of kindness from me will change their minds about me. I just don't understand why it is this way.

If God has a divine plan for these people, it is a complete mystery to me. Cause all I see is a complete waste of humanity.

Ok, need to vent for a moment. My H just left and I am furious..but I am proud to say that he doesn't know I am because I managed to keep my temper in check and not LB. It was very difficult.

Last week my friend MaryBeth got ahold of me and wanted to know if my family could go up to where she lives and we could get together and do some Christmas shopping. I told her that I would like that and would talk to my H about it. Well, I brought it up the other day (waited for him to be in a good mood...had to wait awhile lol) and he immediately got angry and said no. He said that he didn't want me to go to where she lives. I said well she invited you also and he said he didn't want to go. So, I dropped it for awhile.

Then today he starts getting angry cause his sister wants to go to church tonight with my oldest DD. I asked him why she couldn't go and he said because she wasn't going for the right reasons. Umm...ok? I told him that he needed to stop trying to control everything and he said he doesn't...right? I told him that it was just like him not wanting me to go see MB. He said that he didn't want me to go there by myself. I said well I wanted him to go also. He said he didn't want me at a hotel. I said..ok..why? He said he was afraid I would f#ck someone. WHAT?????????

I was floored. I used to live in the town that my friend lives in and I went to college there. I admit that I went a little crazy in college. I rebelled against everything. I had no boyfriends, but a few sexual friends. I cheated on no one cause I was dating no one. I changed my behavior the moment my H and I got together. I saw no one else and have never cheated on him...EVER. I was completely faithful. He has brought this up and thrown it in my face numerous times in the past, but I had thought we were past that. I don't throw the A in his face.

I just joked about it saying that I doubted those guys were still around 7 years later. He said well you can always go across the street and find an old guy for you. We live across from senior citizen apartments. I dated a man 13 years older than me while my H and I were divorced. We were divorced before I met him and it only lasted a couple months. It was over long before my H even got out of jail.

He told me that he can't trust me and that I have proven to him that I an untrustworthy. I am very floored by this...I am not the one that cheated. He has told me that I am not allowed to go over to any of my friends house. I gave up one of my friends per his request because she is the one that set me up with the man I dated. I agreed because I made him give up a few people that supported his A. The man I dated is always at my friends house and I respected my H wishes that I not see him again...even though we were divorced at the time of this other relationship. It was really no big deal.

Why would he act like this. I have never been unfaithful or given him any reason to wonder if I was or not. I don't know what to do. He slept with many women before me and I have never thrown his past in his face. It was before me...what do I care? Why is he treating me like I am the one that cheated?

It is very hurtful to me when he brings up my mistakes because I have learned from them and moved on. I have never repeated them. I don't understand. I made jokes and was smiling when he left, but I was breaking inside.

How do I handle this? How do I assurt myself without damaging our relationship recovery? I am not going to give up my other friends or my time with them when I can get it which isn't often. I am not going to let him control me this time, but I want to be respectful at the same time. What do I do?

He also saw me on this website earlier today and asked me if this was still neccessary. He told me it was just a waste of time and it was just a bunch of bitter women. I said that there were plenty of men on here too and that it wasn't what it was all about. He asked me how long till I hooked up with one of the guys on here. He thinks that everything is fine when it is so far from the truth. We are not fine and I am not fine. I don't know what to think.