What do the professionals say about trying to do BOTH at the same time? (end her affair and end your abuse)

I don't see a way for you to do both at the same time. I get the impression that others seemed to feel the same way. What advice are the professionals giving you in that area?

My abuse had always followed a certain pattern when we had an arguement:

[*]I would ignore/avoid it and try to occupy myself with something to not deal with the issue.
[*]Wife would always want to solve it out right then and there.
[*]If she dosen't have my attention, she will try to get it by distracting my attention from what I was doing.
[*]I start getting angrier and angrier due to the distractions and not wanting to deal with the problem.
[*]I use Verbal Abuse to get her away (if that does not work)
[*]Physical Abuse to drive her away and leave me alone...

As long as that pattern is broken or when we see that I'm about to go back on it, there will be no abuse. It is broken with me going to the gym, taking "time outs" (my wife or I can request them), and following the policy of Radical Honesty towards my wife.

For the affair, my therapist said for me to tell her how I feel in regards to it, which I have done. There has been no effect or changes because she said that I'm supposed to be working on myself, not their relationship. So, I'm kind of in a bind, we did do marriage counseling, but the therapist downgraded it to working on me first then the marriage, I don't know what else more to do than what I'm currently doing now.

And that's pretty much the same as what you've heard here too. While it sucks, I'm not sure what you're going to be able to do about your wife's affair.

Now...since it appears that she may be reading here, I do want to add this thought.

Your abuse STILL does not 'justify' her affair. Cheating is downright despicable, regardless of the situation. She had (and still has) other options. She could file for divorce. She could end it with him, and find a way to put your marriage "on medical leave" for a bit...without seeing anyone else. There are lots of options.

She CHOSE to cheat. This doesn't give her a "get out of jail free" card to cheat. And she needs to realize and recognize that. Your behavior doesn't justify hers.

At this point...again, I don't know what else to suggest to you. All you can hope is that she'll open her eyes someday and realize what she's doing.

If physical and emotional abuse isn't a good enough reason for someone to have an affair, what is? Where is the justice in the fact that I have done that to her? I don't know if my wife knows what else is there to do in this kind of situation, I sure as ****** don't.

Your wife isn't thinking straight. Why would she want to bring a child into this mess? She needs to be dealing with the abuse and the affair. Unbelievable.