Hooloo,

Please listen to this advice, it is very good.

What have you done that you feel so guilty about that you are doing this to yourself? I want to know what you think you did, or where you failed that you are taking this all on yourself?

Can you list all the ways in which you failed, all the changes you need to make in order to be lovable?

Your posts are breaking my heart.

Please list all your many failures so we can dispel and annialate them for you...get them out of the way so you can concentrate on a plan.

There was something I read a few posts back that I feel needs to be highlighted, because it is key in a good Plan A (as is exposure by the way), and because it seems to be a problem for a lot of men and women trying to do a Plan A and basing their moves on the moves of a wacked out WS. (very bad way to work a plan)



I used to have a quote in my sig line from I can't remember who now that goes

"obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off of the goal".

In your case the frightful things are all yoru perceived failures, so lets get them out here and get rid of them right now.

Ive learned as a divorcee and now being remarried........women HATE a weak guy. Im not saying be a jerk, but they cannot stand OR respect a man they can run over. 2long is right......stop cowering at your wifes every whim.....stop letting her make it seem like everything you have done caused the marriage downfall. Its a two way street. He11, ask her what SHE is going to do to make you happy again in your marriage? Grow some nuts.

IMHO

Ask her what she's going to do to make me happy in our marriage? Why? She's done, she's given up, she doesn't want to be married to me. Why would I expect her to say anything about making me happy in our marriage?

Then start now. Stop avoiding the conflict, face up to what's got to be done. Get a plan to save your marriage...and then work that plan.

You posted here for advice...that's the advice you're getting.

Read up on plan A. Understand what it is, how it works, and how to apply it in your case.

Then make it happen.

Good rant! When your feathers get ruffled, you get tough. This is good, this will serve you well in your Plan A.

Plan A will help you make these changes, and you become very tough (in a good and soft way) as well as focused enough to work a plan long enough to effect change. Make sense?

When I came here, I was just like you. I can't even begin to tell you the changes I have made, and now thankfully because of them I have married a really great guy, and have a good R with him. Actually they were not fundamental changes in my personality, they were changes in the way I viewed things which led to changes in the way I related to others.

Basically they put me into a position where I could be my best self because I was no longer dealing a losing game.

The biggest thing I learned was the importance of having values or principles and living by them, and expecting those who I let into my life live by them as well.

Also disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts and not listening well.

Concentrate on these things in your Plan A. These are relationship skills, or qualities that will allow a really good, productive R.

Hm...

I heard somewhere that chocolate is poisonous to dogs...

I just checked, and baker's chocolate is the worst, but they have 2 still eat a lot of it.

Doesn't seem outlandish 2 me that you might call your W 2 see if she has any suggestions.

...but this isn't about dogs and chocolate, it's about being able 2 read the signs that your W is having an A. We've seen them before, and there are plenty here.

I still think you should call one of the Harleys, and sooner rather than later (because they can be most effective at this stage).

Do it in addition 2 your in-person counseling.

-ol' 2long

HLV,

Man up.

Your wife is having an affair, and is gaslighting you.

For crying out loud, you know that. Stop doubting yourself.

If she told you Santa Claus had packed that nightie, you would have found a way to believe her because you are in


denial.


Move through this fast, because she is looking at apartments.

You can do this the MB way


OR

The way that will probably not work.


One way has been researched. The other is by the seat of your pants.


I know which choice I would make.


Now you can sit there all day and tell us that you WANT to change.

How you WANT to stop being a conflict avoider.

How you WANT to keep your wife from leaving you.


OR,

You can use the methods and actually get yourself into action and DO things that are likely to get those things done.

There's not a guarantee MB will keep your marriage together.

But the odds are a heck of a lot higher than flying by the seat of your pants. At least MB has a plan, and it does not include running away from the problem for a weekend, so your wife can see the OM AGAIN while YOU ARE GONE.

Rethink your "plan".

Stay home. Talk to, and confront, your wife.

Tell her that you know about the man, and that there are pictures, and that she did not spend the time alone.

HLV,
Listen up. I am you for the purposes of what not to do in affair land. You still live with your wayward wife. Your kids are still with you. The folks here have given you some advice. It is much of the same advice they gave me. I picked and chose the things I was comfortable with. Do not do that! It will not work. Follow the MB plan. It might work. That's the best shot we get so take it. I've been doing a slow bleed since 8/05 and I feel like I KNOW you. Do not be afraid of her or what she will do in response to the actions you take. Appeasement will get you exactly 100% nowhere. My WW was the most wonderful person in the world once. I could not accept that she was gone. Now she is a mean, self centered, entitled witch-like person who looks like someone I used to know. She has also moved out. She has my two beautiful children four nights a week and when they are with her they are regularly in contact with OM and his family. If you think your life cannot get any worse, let me assure you that it can. It definately will if you continue being unsure of yourself, not following a proven plan and taking little stabs in the dark, hoping for a miracle without actually having to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. HLV, please understand that I am not trying to be mean. As a conflict avoider myself, I recognize it in you, by your own admission and the content of your posts. You still have a chance to do some positive things with your situation. I know you can talk yourself out of it if you want to. Been there. Done that. Listen. Go back and read everything Melodylane said. I will say a prayer for you and your kids. Sorry you have to go through this and wish you the very very best.

Hoovooloo, Where are you?

(that rhymes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

(edited 2 add... even misspelled! hooloovoo!)

-ol' 2long

HVL... how ya doing? Update?

SD:

I'm finding it rather alarming that so many people in hoo's si2ation right now are simply choosing 2 quit posting and take what the WS is dishing out.

hoo:

prove me wrong?

-ol' 2long

I think he's undergoing a change in his thinking, and is having to get his head around approaching things differently. When you begin all this from the standpoint of a conflict avoider, it takes a radical change to force yourself to be more confrontational. I bleed for him, as I was the same way, especially so closely after D-day. It is hard to jumpstart a new approach to things when you've practiced something else for Life!

He'll hang in there, I believe, in his own time.

I have noticed the same dynamic. I'm rather new here, so I don't have the benefit of knowing if this is normal behavior for some BH's, but I just can't relate to choosing to look the other way while your WW lies to you and disrespects you is such a horrible manner.

That was one thing I made VERY clear from my initial discovery forward ... I told my WW that I loved her very much, but I WOULD NOT SHARE HER in any manner. She had to choose right then and there what/who she wanted.

Hopefully, Hoo is finding his manhood and getting in a position to take some measure of control over his situation.