well this is my 1st time here. but i wanted to throw a post out there, and get some advice..

OK , i been with this girl( she is 28 , i was 27 when we started dating) for a bit over 1.5 years now. and things were really good in the begining , and after about a year we moved into an apartment together with her 3 kids.. which i had no problem doing .. finances were tough and we were makin it , but at a huge financial cost to myself, as i was working and supporting her and her kids for most of the time.

anyway we went through a hard time at the end of july/ start of august, money was super tight , she was trying to get a job , and had one lined up , but ended up not getting it due to a failed drug test for marijuana ( i knew she smoked but she told me she quit 8 weeks before the test) .

at that point i went back to my parents place for a few days to try to work stuff out .. and eventually decided to go back and try to work it out with us , she had been able to get a job that paid farly well and things were looking up.

later in august we had a few bumps. she started going out with her girlfriends on the weekends , though we didnt have the money for it, and then decided on a whim she wanted to take her and her kids camping , and she proceded to book a site for labor day weekend. and paying for it with our bill/food money , i was pretty mad , as doing this left us with $2.00 to live on for the next 8 days till we got paid again . at this point i decided to go back home again until she got her life figured out, as she would not change her plans at all , saying the kids were more important than anything.

we argued about it on and off. but she ended up going anyway , borrowing money from everyone to make it happen. After a few more weeks of her being out drinkin with her girls every night.

We hang out on a sat. night and go to a drive in movie.. she gets a phone call and walks away.. comin back 30 mins later.. says it was about one of the kids.. i let it slide. she decides that the next weekend her and her girls are going camping again.. im thinking something is up, as she is very secretive about where she is going and what campsite she is at . while she is camping she calls me every now and then. i checked our cell bill , and find a bunch of calls to a number i didnt know over the past month . all hours.. and long calls up to 2 hrs long.

i ask her about the number , and she tells me its just a friend of hers. i did a reverse lookup , and got the guys name/address,she talks about him every now and then to me.. guy is getting divorced.. his wife left him for another woman , and he has 2 kids. but my GF keeps telling me everything is ok with us, just need to work out some stuff before it gets worse, we hang out a lil bit , but the closeness and intimacy is just about gone, she treats me more like a friend than her fiancee

saw her last night for a couple hours , was good, but again no closeness. barely getting a kiss or hug.. nothing more..

she is going to a concert tomorrow night , and out with the girls friday night.. im thinking she is going with this guy to the concert , and out friday night.. and then she wants to see me on sat.

so yea.. anyone got some advice/ideas ?? sorry if its not making much sense.. its 4 am. but i'll try to update it tomorrow

Hi Razor,

Welcome to MB!

I don't have much time, but wanted to let you know that I've read your post and will reply in a bit...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi Razor,

Ok... After re-reading your post a couple of things seem to stand out.

It sounds like your GF is just using you to help support her and her 3 kids.

Since you are NOT married, I would recommend walking as far away from this situation as you can and do it as quickly as you can!

I normally am a big supporter of saving a M, but you guys aren't married. She has absolutely ZERO committment to you and her actions are proving it.

If you do decide to try and work things out, don't be surprised if she tries this later on down the road. You are still young and you have your entire life ahead of you... don't waste it on this woman that isn't willing to make a committment to you.

Yes, you will have some pain over this 'lost' relationship, but I can assure you that it won't be nearly as painful if you do patch things up enough to put a ring on her finger, then have her do this again when you're actually married!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Razor,

When I read a post like this....my first thought is thank God you haven't married her yet! The saddest part of all of this is that there are three innocent children that she's dragging into her faithlessness and chaos. She isn't being responsible mother right now....she isn't even good girlfriend much less wife material. Who watches the kids while she goes bar hopping? I'm sure you love this woman and you've probably become connected to the kids....but she's not going to stay with you anyway....so preserve your dignity and your finances....end this now.

She is in bed with someone else she thinks will make more money. It is all about her.

She has no emotional committment toward you except for what you bring in the door and that you will babysit the kids while she looks for someone else.

Do you feel used?

Run.

Larry

Razor, she is just using you for money likely, however, she is free to date whomever she wants. You are not married to her. She is in no way committed to you; you are just her stud du jour. How sad that these kids have to be exposed to shack up situations. Revolving boyfriends only increases of risk of molestation, which is quite common.

Move out and move on, she will wreck your life.

Razor,

Not only is she using you and wayward, as I read this she is also an OW possibly contributing to breaking up OM's marriage.

No one needs to sign on for this. Run, don't walk out the door, before she boots you out. You mean nothing to her except $$.

Sorry this has happened, learn from it.

Who

hey guys , thanks for the responses.. Normally i would totally agree , that yea its time for me to run as far away as i can. however i dont feel its quite that easy, The bills for the apartment , her car (that i got for her , with the understanding that she would pay for it, and she hasnt been) is under my name, and insured by me, and the cell phone line i got her recently. I'd like to just take her car back , but in reality i'll need to take it , and quickly sell it , because i cant afford it.

basically i dont want to totally ruin her(and by extention the kids) by takin her car , takin her cell phone , and cancelling all the utilities to the apartment (BTW im back at my parents now)unless i have total proof that she is cheating on me.

i think its the only way i'll be able to do it, is that when i do catch her , that i'll feel totally justified in taking everything that is mine. We had the understanding that we were going to get married , and i did ask her in november of last year. and of course she said yes. We also understood , if we ever wanted out of the relationship , just tell me , but cheat on me, it wont turn out well.

this upcoming weekend provides the best chances for me.. supposedly she is going out with "the girls" on friday night to a local bar.. I have told her i'll be a couple hours away at a car club gathering, i'll really be very close by. and will prob stake out the bar.. if i catch her all over this guy.. i'll be setting the wheels in motion, and will most likely end up takin her car right then and there.

its been a real roller coaster with her over the past month or so. times of thinking that it will all get better, then times when i want to just end the whole thing.I Dont really know where to go from here. but i feel if i catch her with my own eyes, it will be a lot easier , and erase any doubts in my mind , if i ended it without knowing.

Tony, you don't need to catch her at anything to seperate yourself. You need to get yourself extricated from this tangled web and stop being a fool. Good grief, son, you are just being used. Get out of there and try and learn from your mistakes.

Go take her car now, get your name off the apt, cancel the utilities, do what you need to do to get yourself out of this mess you have placed yourself in.

I agree 100% with mel...and Tony... I have walked in your shoes. Run brother...run.

Raz,


If that's what you need, it's what you need. But keep in mind, she clearly has a wayward mindset and a sense of entitlement AND she seems to treat you as though you and your feelings don't matter. Why, even if she isn't cheating YET, would you want to continue in a relationship like that?



Sounds more like YOU had and understanding and she merely pretended to "understand" to get as much out of you as possible.

As you have plans to do a little spying this weekend, it can ride that long. Just don't find yourself backing up and giving her just one more chance.

Honestly, a 28 yo with 3 children and wayward ways just doesn't seem to be much of a catch. If I were your mother, I'd be really worried about you!

Who

Hi Tony,

The score is 6 to 0.

If you do wait to catch her, you're going to have a mess on your hands... what are you going to do when she gives you the sob story about her poor kids, how you're 'abandoning' her, blah blah blah...

Go get your things out of the apartment. Cancel your lease. Turn off the utilities. Cancel your cell phone... then get YOUR car and run away as fast as you can.

You are being used and if you wait around, she's just going to manipulate you more and cost you MORE money in the long run.

You are a grown man and can make up your own mind, but from where we're all sitting and based on what you've told us, there isn't a one of us that would still be with this woman!

Semper Fi,

RIF

What she said!

BTW, don't mean to jack a thread, but a quick question. I have been lurking here for a good while, and sometimes I get members' situations confused. Melody, why isn't there an "F" in front of your husband in your signature? Isn't he a former wayward, or are you married to a different man that that referred to?

You're not getting it.

Your fiancee has failed the trust test already. Whether or not she has actually cheated on you, her actions are clearly suggesting to you that you will not be able to trust her.

This is NOT the person you want to commit the rest of your life to.

IMO, get out as quickly as possible, and don't look back. Don't worry too much about how many $$ you would lose in the process. Much better than staying in a relationship that's likely to bring even more hardship if it continues.

GET OUT!

Who cares that you will be hurting her financially? NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I'm sure she would take you to the cleaners if you were married and she wanted to divorce you for another man. I would set boundaries like NC w/ OM for life and couples counseling, if not, don't let the door hit her in the @ss on the way out. Don't walk, RUN from this woman. She is using you. You can do a he11 of a lot better.

What I want to know is how did your self-esteem end up as low as it is? What happened to you?

How can you be attracted to a woman who has three children and is out running around in bars, etc, shacking up with bf's and being such a rotten mom.

Doesn't that make you sick? Please prove to yourself that you are not just as bad as her by setting your standards higher and not contributing to what she is putting these poor little kids in the middle of.

What a nasty little person and rotten little mother she is. Too bad the dad or grandma can't get these kids.

And next time you date a woman with children, do not move in with them until you are married to their mother and will be a part of their life forever.

let me just try to clarify things a lil bit, i know i have painted a pretty negative picture of my girl ,and the responses do show that. Let me be the 1st to say , this behavoir from her is somthing very new , the drinking and being out at the bars , is a 2 week old thing, Prior to August of this year everything was good , and i really had no reason to suspect anything from her.

we never argued about anything , and got along so well , so for most of our relationship things have been very good, there are always bumps in the road , and we have had a few, im hoping that this is just a pothole, and things will get back to normal.

up untill the past couple weeks , has has been a very good mother. always there for the kids , and doing what it took to make sure they had whatever they needed. I helped her when she needed it. due to some medical issues her 4 year old had

as far as the 2 of us.. things were great, we did everything together , intimacy was great.. she was open to anything we wanted to try , very supportive of my career choices and really put 100% effort into the relationship.

i know this can sound like im making excuses , but i just find it really hard to walk on a almost 2 year relationship , over about 2 weeks of issues. We still talk all the time , and realize that we need to get US back on track , just trying to find the right way to do it. I do understand now that we cant spend 24/7 together, its not healthy for a relationship, and she did ask me for a little bit of space for the time being

as for the cheating thing. up until now , she has never given me any reason to not trust her.. she never hid anything or tried to mis-lead me, at this point i dont have much , i have some phone calls , and her denial of anything happening. I really do not want to be that guy who doesnt trust his woman to be out with a guy and that she wont stop somthing if it gets out of hand, at the same time i need to follow my instinct and see what comes out of me trying to see whats up on friday night. If i am able to catch her , then i know it was never meant to be , and i was nothing more than a dollar sign to her , if not , maybe this relationship still has some life in it .

*edit* it should be noted that financially i have cut her off.. its now totally up to her to make it or not.. the car doesnt get paid. it gets taken , cell not paid.. its turned off.. in the past 2 weeks she has also been able to pay down the utils in the apartment to 0 , and pay for her car/ cell phone/ car insurance

if she wants to spend time for me.. its just that , spending time together with me , not my wallet.. I dont know what the future will hold from this.. or if anything is goin on at all, i just cant make a snap decision on this without knowing all the information....

Why isn't she with the children's father, Razor? What happened there, and how did your R with her start?

You are making excuses for her. If she started her first affair after 1.5 years of dating, imagine how many she will have racked up after 10 years of marriage (not that I think it would ever last that long). By then you will be older, and you will have to give her half of your property and pay spousal support to someone who never respected you to begin with.

Bingo. It takes just about that time for the "gloss" of a new relationship to wear off and for us to see our chosen spouses for what they really are. That's probably why most A's don't last that long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

It sounds like you've reached the point where you feel a permanent bond with your spouse, but your head is telling you that it's probably not a good idea to continue it, hence your uncertainty.

Larry can provide the chemo-biological explanation, if he's reading this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.